my loot:

- toffifee (mmmm)
- popcorn (woo!)
- bed in a bag
- water filter system to hook up to kitchen sink
- cell phone accessories
- family heirloom scrapbook/keepsake box. it's lovely!
- beautiful snowglobe
- sexy pajamas (thanks to sisinlaw)
- the movie "we were soldiers" (which i already owned, doh!)
- a book about different ways to divine the future, and their origins (v. cool, but already own, double doh!)
- a book on public speaking/letter writing, what to do and what not to do
- a day planner/wallet/cell phone holder (memo to self: set up cell again when get money)
(memo to memo to self: f. in law offered to set up cell again, woo!)
- stuff for the bathroom (thanks ma)

from "santa":

- new thinsulate gloves (red)
- new scarf (also red)
- new hair brush (yay!)
- hair thingies (woo!)
- 2 pr. stockings (rowr)
- new venus razor and cute carrying case thingie(i heart santa! he gets me stuff so i don't have to get it myself)
- shave gel (it smells like raspberries, v. good)
- a home spa kit (mmm)
- chapstick with spf 15 block, in melon and peach flavors (v. yummy)
- more stuff. i forget now.

i won't even begin to try and compile the lists for my kids. it was insane.

also, now i'm beginning to feel sick, as is so. all three of em are still in bed as i type this.

What a holiday it's been so far.

I ended up taking K to the clinic on the 23 because he had a fever of 105. Discovered after an hour of waiting that he has an infection in both ears and his lower right lung. Oi!

On the 24 we all went to my parents' home for Christmas dinner, mmmm turkey.
K was of course still sick tho so I didn't really get to eat mine until someone else was done so they could keep the little guy company while I ate. No biggie. Family was there which was nice it was all the family I like so YAY! The kids got spoiled of course, but I'm kinda happy to report, very few toys. More stuff like new snowsuits and new clothes, or craft type things instead. C *did* get two barbies tho which tickled her pink. K got cars and a Crayola activity center which he adored, he loves drawing and coloring. C got a barbie one. I don't even know what they got anymore, too much stuff.

On the 25 the kids got me up at 7:30, a pleasant change from last year (4:30) but they both took turns keeping me awake all night with this or that complaint. We got up and opened gifts, Santa was very good to them this year and they were deeeeeeeeelighted. Then I hosted a Christmas brunch, I made a potato casserole and waffles and whipped cream and strawberries and apple turnovers and punch and SO's family came over and we had ham and other food too. Ooog. So much eating. After the brunch was more present opening. Agh! The kids got movies and books and things and one or two toys (they have too many toys, I was so glad both our parents restrained themselves this year). We got stuff too, some really nice things.

So then after all that happy eventing, C got very sick. Complained her back was hurting and had a fever of 104. I took her up to the hospital. We were admitted immediately but then stuck in a small room for a couple hours. C slept through the whole thing. Then the doctor came and poked and prodded and C bravely put up with it all. He said it was a good thing I brought her in because meningitis is going around but then after a battery of tests proclaimed her free of such thing. Then he had me get a urine sample from her and checked for urinary tract infection, came out clear. He said nothing much we can do for her, just plenty of rest and ice cream (she rather beamed at that last suggestion).

So now it's the twenty sixth. Christmas has come and gone. In spite of all the doings, I have yet to feel the holiday spirit come over me. What's wrong with me? I see everyone else with it. Maybe I am broken.

My daughter brought home a thing from school in the beginning of December, a big chain of loops she'd made, attached to a poem about Christmas. Every day she was to cut a loop off the chain, until the last loop, a big silver one. Then she'd know that Christmas was getting closer.

Today She was ecstatic to announce that there were only four more loops to Christmas, mum! Then she and her brother prompted me for their daily advent chocolate.

She made a Christmas angel at school, and the wings were white handprints of hers. It's very pretty.

I've been hella busy at work and etc. I have also been fighting off a sickness, I'm not sure what. Last night I went to bed at 7 frickin' 30. Slept right till this morning when my daughter came in and begged me to get up and feed her pop tarts. Because on Saturdays she gets pop tarts as a special treat. This morning was a strawberry sort of morning. My son was pretty excited. It's amazing what frosted, fruit-filled pastry can do to morale around the house. :p

Pop tarts are also this weird food craving I get when I get a cold. Don't ask, I'm not sure why. I'm just strange.

I lent the movie "I am Sam" to my parents the other weekend, they hadn't seen it yet. Then we dropped the kids off on Sunday to finish wrapping their gifts. When we came to get them I picked the movie up too and asked how they liked it. "Not a dry eye in the house." Dad said. "I actually watched the whole movie."

From my Dad this is miraculous praise indeed. He has this little habit of falling asleep during the movie. You literally have to prod him every 15 minutes to keep his attention sometimes. But with some movies, it captures his attention right away. This one especially touched his heart.

It's funny, anyone whom I've talked to that isn't a parent didn't enjoy the movie as much as people with kids. *shrug*

We might be going to one of SO's friends' for New Year's Eve, SO told me the other night. Fine by me I didn't have any plans anyway, but it's in Woodstock, we'd be bringing out kids... if the weather is crappy I am going to put a nix on it.

It was my friend Ju's birthday on Thursday, so S (who is Ju's sister, my friend) had a gathering at her home for the birthday girl. I went over for a while and behaved myself drinking wise, but ended up doing the horrible and buying a pack of cigarettes. Menthols. I have not smoked since January/02. I don't know what pushed me to do it. I just did.

Maybe it's all the stress finally getting to me. I don't know.

Ok I'm off.

I can't believe Christmas is almost here. It's shocking.

I talked to my cousin JP tonight for a bit over msn and gave her a livejournal code, let's see if she'll actually use the thing.

I have a heavy sense of meloncholy coming upon me. I don't know what to do with it. I could set it aside but it just makes it worse later. Holiday blues? I don't know. I just get this way sometimes. I feel older so much older than I am and it seeps into my bones and cracks them and I feel broken, washed up against the rocks




It's an effort to get out of bed in the morning



I don't know why


I find myself being irritable with the people I love, and I want to tell them I don't mean to be, and I want to explain to them why, but it's hard to do when you yourself don't know the right words...






I'm tired.

So get this, William Fucking Shatner was in my home town a few days back. Nobody I knew knew about this until they read it in the paper! Front page!

Meh, it's no worse than when the Prime Minister showed up for the inauguration of our new theatre.

Yay it is Sunday!

I need coffee. Want some? Great! While you're up, get me some too!

HOLY CATS THERE IS ONLY TEN DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS! ADAPT PANIC MODE...>NOW!

I had a fucked up dream again.

This one involved my getting suckered into helping my friends at a sorority/frat mixer. It was really bizarre and everyone was dressed to the nines in ballgowns and tuxedos. So we were lined up like cattle and this guy they paired me up with was asking me all sorts of personal questions and then i smacked him upside the head with my tiara. Then he tried to kiss me so I stomped on his foot. Then this girl named J (someone I went to college with and have not seen since) was in her house and I was there helping her decorate. She was wearing a wedding dress but wasn't getting married. She just liked the dress. These 4 big trunks showed up and we opened them up and had a 10 minute argument over whether the stuff came from Spain or Portugal. Then this fellow with a deep voice stopped the argument with a big booming "PORTUGALE". He told her she *had* to come with him now, pack up everything she would need. She was losing her identity here, it was a matter of extreme importance that she come with him now. She said "Won't people miss me?" He said, "Not for long." Then a lookalike came in and lay down on a chaise lounge. They rubbed the real J down with some sort of soapy substance and me too. Then two big black bears came in and ate the lookalike alive! We hurried with the packing and got into a van and took off for the airport.

I don't remember the rest.

So yeah. I'm tired.

I was gonna go out last night but decided "Hey! I haven't slept in two days, I bet that would be a better idea" so I conked right out.

Had fucked up dreams involving recipes for items to save someone's soul, it had something to do with cinammon hearts and bong screens, it was very bizarre. And I was talking to some chick who totally hated me, and her boyfriend was there and he was defending me and I ended up eating some of the ingredients to save the person, I think I ate some moss and a piece of black licorice. Then SO woke me up because the alarm had gone off and I was mumbling about something being my favorite.

Clearly I should sleep at regular intervals to avoid such dreaming.

Ok I go to work now. We managed to raise $250 to buy presents for needy kids. I decided we should buy stuff for the older kids this year because the little ones are always getting donations but the older ones get the shaft. So at lunch today I go do that.

My driver's license is up for expiry soon, ACK

Reminder to self: renew that sucka

Ok I really go now.



NO......NOW.



Now?



...

stupid jimmy neutron version of parents don't understand. grr.

i've been up since yesterday, woo! my son decided he wanted to sleep poorly, but not without making sure i didn't get *any* sleep! fuuuuuuuuuuuck.

i keep thinking to myself that the holiday is coming soon and i can relax. which is bullshit because like everyone else i will be stressing myself out visiting relatives or hosting them.

k bye

A bajillion things have happened!

So yeah. I bought a computer for all by myselfness.

Also!

C had her first school concert on monday, they sang "Away in a Manger". It was great although a little weird too, my parents attended and said they found it so strange to think their *granddaughter* was up there...

I've been hella busy with work type crap, that whole year end thing. I haven't disappeared I'm just holed up in my box in front of a box doing the work thing. And when I'm not I'm doing the family thing. Gah.

Today was the core christmas lunch type thing for our company and I had to MC the thing. Which was fine but I got a lot of comments like "wow you are really brave". Well of course I am, since I don't care a damn about 90% of the people's opinions, least of all their opinions about me.

I don't really know what else I was going to say. I'm tired and I want milk.

I LOVE YOU ALL. Yes even you.

One thing that always always always makes me think of family Christmases is the Elvis Christmas album. My father is a big Elvis fan and every year at Christmas dinner, no matter if we were with all the family or just the four of us, we would be listening to this album. It is so infused that my response is almost Pavlovian to it. Blue Christmas plays, and I immediately need to surround myself with decorations and kick back with a glass of wine, staring peacefully at the tree.

Is there anything prettier than Christmas trees? The colored mirrored ornaments reflecting the tiny twinkling lights. Turn out all the lights and just stare. My throat tightens up sometimes looking at it and thinking of all the Christmases both good and bad, how far I have come and how far I have yet to go. I don't care about the presents, I just want that peaceful feeling that descends over me with the first blanket of snow on the ground. Air pluming out smoky breath outside and I fall into it and make angels. I taught my children to make angels this year. So when the snow is deep enough they'll fall into it and make some.

This year I've decided to host a Christmas brunch again, both sides of the family are coming over and that way we are cutting back on travel. I kid you not, last year we went to 5 different events within 7 days. That gets to be a lot for the little ones...

SO's parents' anniversary is coming up, it's their 25th wedding anniversary and his sister has managed to sway me to help her plan an event for them. I don't have any money and yet I've managed to shell out quite a bit for this. Hopefully I'll get reimbursed. But doubtful. It's supposed to happen on the 6th and be a surprise. Gooooood luck@!

The only thing I hate about snow is shovelling it out of the driveway. Which is exactly what I plan to do now. Ta.

Which Diesel Sweeties Character Are You?

YAY! I heart dieselsweeties!


Today is another holiday in the US? Is it? Isn't it? My boss tells me yes, but I think he's full of it.

hahaah that song always cracks me up!

emode.com tells me:

G, you're Smart 'n' Sexy

Your intellect puts you in a class above the rest, and it creates a sexual aura that's untouchable by people who possess nothing more than a pretty face. You have people and intellectual smarts and are able to juggle them accordingly. Your sense of the world at large and your world around you draws people to your mind, and what a beautiful mind it is.

Whether you look the part in horn-rimmed glasses and a finely pressed suit or dress simply in a T-shirt and jeans, your style really takes off when you flaunt your intellectual prowess. You're probably happier volunteering for a good cause, like tutoring kids, than spending all night partying with friends — well, at least some of the time. You've read the classics, or at least know what they are, and get the greatest rush when you can fully connect with people — both mind and body. While you may have the looks as well, it's your brains that turn up the heat wherever you go.

the test

Volleyball tonight. WE ARE GONNA KICK SOME ASS! Or maybe just take names. What? We're still getting the hang of it. It's been literally *years* since we've played. But we are doing good! Shut up about our losing streak. It isn't our fault that all the other teams have been in the league for YEARS. *pout*

I feel giddy for some reason. Probably the lack of sleep. C kept waking up all night and when C is awake, everybody is awake. *sigh*

Ok time to go workies now

It's almost that time for me to get to work. The house is pretty quiet, minus the dull roar of the furnace and the high-strung hum of the computer. It's dark out; winter is here.

I can't keep my mind on things lately. I feel like I am folding in, my heart is hibernating to protect me from the cold chill headed my way.

I care too much I drink too much I sleep not enough I cry.

What the fuck. QUIT YER WHINING, MISS MOPEY!

Can I please go back to bed?

This is the way the world ends
this is the way the world ends
this is the way the world ends
not with a bang
but a whimper

take the nerd test.


and go to mewing.net. a nerd utopia.


HA! LIES!

So yesterday was supposed to be the release date of The Powerpuff Girls Movie. My daughter has been anticipating this date with overzealous salivary glands and muffled gigglings in my ear of "is it PPG yet mum?" And what do I discover? The release date has been MOVED to next week!

I diffused the bomb of disappointment by getting out a big calendar and silver marker and marking off the new date. Promises of using the shiny marker to X off each day until release date resulted in happy smiles and big hugs from the now only *slightly* disappointed poppet.

In any case, I've come to the conclusion that people who move release dates should be kicked in the nads.

Tell me this, my friends down south. How come I only had to do FIVE customs papers when normally I do TWO HUNDRED AND FIVE.

I have been humbly corrected on the day off thing, but yet I still ponder, why oh why was work so damn slow today??? Was it just the Big 3 taking a sabbatical to loiter around voting booths?

So today is voting day or somesuch in the U.S., which makes my job rather boring today, as we won't be shipping anything to you good US citizens. You get the DAY OFF to VOTE. In Canada we just do it during our lunch break or whatever.

The snow is almost all melted away. Good riddance, says I. But it smells like more snow in the air so I know it is coming, it is inevitable.

SO is rather sick. He spent most of last night sick on the couch. Poor lad. My kids are feeling fine though. (phew)

Pointless trivia about me:

I have never watched: Casablanca, UHF, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, The Star Wars Christmas Special

I have never eaten: mango, kiwi, avocado (including derivatives, a la guacamole), blackberries

My legs are 3-1/2' long from hip to heel.

I do not like the texture of mushrooms, cherries, or olives.

I have suffered from insomnia on and off for almost my entire life.

I have myopia. I also have astigmatism.

I crave salty food before I crave sweets. I usually need a combination of the two.

My favorite sweathog is the big man himself, Mr. Kotter.

I used to watch The Flintstones religiously during my lunch hour as a kid. We'd come home for lunch and watch it while eating.

You'd never know it, but I was raised under a Roman Catholic roof.

In college, I would eat rice with ketchup when I got too broke for real groceries.

Who am I kidding? I put ketchup on everything.

Ok, maybe not everything.

I really like popsicles.

Ok I go work now. Byebyebyebye

I don't like me today.

I also feel achey from post-flushot blues. For Halloween K was a Pumpkin and C was a Powerpuff Girl (Bubbles, to be exact). It was cold and rainy and snowy and hailing. So we didn't go too far. Stupid weather.

It is about 5 inches of snow out right now, and still growing. Packing snow. Oh the joys.

Fuckety fuck fuck.

I'm "Me fail English? That's unpossiible!" Which Ralph Wiggumism are You? by CaB.

So yesterday sucked at work, I had a ton to do because my boss didn't do it and his associate wasn't in. It took one of our plants 6 hrs to get their paperwork and another one didn't even get ANY so they had to do it manually (which takes them hours I can assure you). So yeah. Everyone is pissed off at my boss but my boss hasn't said boo to me so it's all good.

Yesterday was also my father in law's birthday, but we totally forgot (DOH!) but SO stepped up to bat and brought over a bottle of rye and drank with his dad most of the night while I stayed home and played Neverwinter Nights (which I am absolutely HOOKED on, gaming gods be damned! *shakes fist*).

Today SO goes for forklift training or somesuch, and his parents are watching the kids while I work. I get paid this week, WOO I am dying to get paid as I am BROKE BROKE BROKE like, BEYOND BROKE.

I'm also putting my costume together for Halloween. Will give details later. This is gonna be fun!

Congratulations, you're New York City, the Big Apple.
What US city are you? Take the quiz by Girlwithagun.

The blurb-y type thing after the results says: "Overwhelming to visitors, this bustling city can seem hard and imposing. With so much going on, there is an axiom that if you visit NY for a day you will see most of what you want; for a week, some of what you want; and if you live there, you will see none of it. It is a city made by people, changed in some small way by everyone who passes through it. Despite what anyone may have ever said about it, New York has shown a tremendous spirit. At their heart, New Yorkers are symbolic of the American Spirit, and have become the poster children for defiance in the face of adversity."

So yeah.

Ok I go work now.

So K was sick all last week, so much so that it involved SO staying home Thursday and I staying home Friday to keep his temp down. It spiked up to 105 at one point. Antibiotics managed to cool it down as did popsicles and juice.

I have a feeling that today is going to be a bad day, it always is the day after I've had to take time off work because there is all that catching up to do. Also I bet my boss will be all snarly about it (not that he should care, he just gets his associate to cover for me. My taking time off does little to intrude upon his life).

It was SO's Grandmother's 70th birthday yesterday. We were supposed to go to a party for her but I ended up sleeping through the day with a terrible migraine. Yay.

YAY HALLOWEEN IS COMING! I AM SO EXCITED!

Halloween is my most favorite holiday ever! For real!

This year C is being a Powerpuff girl and K is being a Pumpkin. My dad and C carved a pumpkin this weekend it looks awesome! We have yet to go get ours, maybe tonight we'll get one. We keep the seeds and roast them with hot pepper sauce, mmmm they are great!

I think I am going to be a pile of leaves for Halloween. Maybe. I have a little time left so we'll see. At work we are having a Halloween potluck with costumes and prizes, YAY!

So uhm, yeah, that's all for now. Byebye

Thank you to everyone who sent me well wishes, I greatly appreciate it :)

So last night my father came over to our house and watched the kids while we went out to see a movie and have a light supper. We watched Sweet Home Alabama because SO didn't wanna watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding and the other movies sucked. Then we went out for food and ran into eleventy billion people we knew which was kind of nice but also kind of bothersome because we wanted wind down time. Then we came home and put the kids to bed (they waited up for us haahaa) and listened to music and drank some wine. SO's anniversary gift to me was these gorgeous crystal wine glasses and a very very nice bottle of ice wine. I gave him a sweater (haha P I told you I would) and a book from his favorite author. I was going to get him a toy for his computer but money is pretty tight around here these days...

Sweet Home Alabama was your typical sappy girlie movie, about marrying and divorcing and then not divorcing your childhood sweetheart. It got me thinking about my own story about SO and I and I thought I may as well post it.

The Daffodil Story

One night many moons ago, I was sixteen. My best friend at the time, JM, whom I called Mickey because of his uncanny similarity to Mickey Dolenz of the Monkees, and got everyone else to call him that too, decided we should go drinking in the cemetary. Because the next day was report card day, and he was failing math, and figured this would be his last hurrah for a while.

Anyway. We went and he brought along his friends, SO and JE and I brought along my friend L. I had to lead everyone through this trail that goes along behind the cemetary because JM is deathly afraid of spiders and I had to "clear out the webs". True story. We get to this spot under a willow tree and JM proceeds to get very, very drunk.

I had never met SO before, he seemed quiet but nice. Blue eyes to die for, tall lanky boy. JE I had met before, more's the pity. He tried to get me drunk. And failed miserably.

JM got drunk out of his tree. He tripped over everything, apologised to grave stones, and lit the wrong end of at least three cigarettes before finally giving up. By this time JE and L were busy talking it up (poor L, she was too nice to tell him to go, so she just kept listening to him). Meanwhile it was time to go home. So SO and I got a hold of each side of JM and practically had to carry him.

About halfway there, we passed by a house with a really magnificent garden. In the garden were tons of daffodils. We of course got on the conversation and I mentioned I really loved daffodils, I wasn't sure why I just liked their shape and their look and their smell. We kept walking and talking and carrying JM. We reached a corner and he said "wait a minute, I have to do something" And he threw JM in my arms. I figured he had to pee or somethin, right? So anyway, he comes backa few minutes later and hands me a daffodil.

I was so pleased. I was smiling the whole way home. I put the daffodil in a book to press it.

SO and I never got together then. Things were hinted at and mentioned and rumored but nothing ever came of it. Actually, the night he was going to ask me out, some other boy did instead and I said yes. And after that it was just a series of bad timing and one or the other or both having a person in the picture. So then I break up with someone, its a nasty break up leaving me feeling pretty damn raw and scared. Anyway, he's still going out with this girl TB, whom I end up living with for a year (the same year she breaks up with SO and SO and I get together, oh man is *THAT* a story). I'm of course infatuated with him but I don't know what to do. So I let things be. Move in with TB and my friend EF (who is dating my friend JM).

At this point I am noticing a mutual attraction between SO and I (well it had been going on for some time, I just kept lying to myself about it). But I don't want to do anything to jeopardize his relationship, even though she was screwing around on him with his best friend at the time. He and she finally broke up. I was there on that day. So he said he was coming back that night with JM to go out and celebrate. He came back and we all got drunk and he ended up spending the night in my bed, but I swear to God nothing sexual happened. We ended up talking all hours of the night. He stayed the whole weekend.

Then he called me on Tuesday and told me he couldn't stop thinking about me. I told him that I really liked him, but I wanted him to wait things out and I wanted to give him space. I told him I would wait for whatever decision he had to make, but I wouldn't wait forever. He told me he didn't need time. He had been thinking and the only conclusion he was coming to was that there was only one woman for him, and her name was G. Then I hung up the phone because I didn't know what else to do.

This leaves me feeling so confused, and scared and happy all at once. I didn't know what to think. Because there was something about the look in his eye. So I sort of clean things up a bit and I'm crying because I am emotionally overwrought. I'm alone in the house TB had gone home for the weekend and EF was at a late class. I start shuffling things around and this book, "FireStarter", a hardcover of the King novel, falls off the shelf. This book falls off the shelf and lays open to what page? A page with that very daffodil on it. And it lay there, mocking me as if to say I knew all along this would happen.

And we got together the very next weekend.

I still have that daffodil.

Two years ago today I did the scariest thing ever and got married.
Two years of marriage, but many more years of laughter, tears, parenthood, debt, devotion, and so much more.

I could not imagine my life in any other way today. I could not have imagined I would ever get to this point, but here I am. And I am happy. So maybe this marriage thing isn't so scary after all...

Happy anniversary, SO. I love you.

Moon, Sun, or Sky?
brought to you by Quizilla

"Moon You have a calm and understanding soul, but since you are reflected from the sun sometimes a little anger comes out in you. People might also try to take advantage of you, for moons usually seem to be dependent on others, but that might not be true. DONT BE TOO TRUSTING! You generally are very emotional, but sometimes you like to keep your emotions to yourself. You are usually the person that people's problems are laid upon, eventhough you usually dont know how to deal with your own.You like to write poetry, and sometimes you are considered a little bit eccentric. Although you and Sun are so contrasting, when put together you are inseperable."

Yeah. So ANYWAY...

I found a new babysitter! It's my friend S's mom, so it is extra cool because it's someone I've known for years and can trust. Today will be their first day with her. Well K. C will be in school. Today they are going on a field trip to a pumpkin patch to learn how pumpkins are grown and to taste apple cider. They also get to bring a little gourd home. :)

Volleyball last night was fun, we were totally beaten down but I had a blast and have discovered that I have a really mean spike. I didnt' discover it until late into our third game tho. Doh! Oh well I can try it on for size next Thursday. I was supposed to go out with the ladies last night for some beer and things at Molly Bloom's but I was too damn tired. Maybe tonight I'll go out as it is CR's birthday, ayay!

On Monday it is SO's and my 2nd wedding anniversary. Not sure what we are doing yet. Possibly very little as we are both broke.


What's Your Bedroom Personality? (For Her)
brought to you by Quizilla

"Mistress may I? Heh. Who wears the pants? You wears the pants! Just remember that it's fun to switch sometimes and not everyone enjoys being bossed around in or out of the sack."

hahahha! too funny. I also took the "what kind of porno movie would you star in?" quiz but I don't think I'll share those results. So where was I? Oh yes...

So Brooke and Taylor were BOTH shot by Sheila, and Erick is left to witness their demise! No wait, that's not my life, that's the Bold and the Beautiful...

RIGHT! So anyway, Halloween is coming soon! I love Halloween to death! LOVE LOVE LOVE! I am thinking I might go as a pile of leaves this year. hehe! I forget what I was last year. Oh right I was nothing because I was sick *sigh*. C doesn't want to be a pumpkin anymore because my mom bought K a pumpkin suit without consulting me so now because K is going to be one C doesn't wanna because "You can't have TWO pumpkins, mom!" So now she is going to be Bubbles the powerpuff girl. Oi.

It's 4:30 as I type this, I got up at 3. YAY INSOMNIA!

Ok bye now. More later.

Which Sexy Comic Book Villainess Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

So volleyball the other night was a blast! We had a ton of fun although we lost every game, it's only the second match of the year so we have time to get better hehehe.

I'm tired of this stupid pneumonia thing. Grrr! I keep hacking up green gobs of grossness and wanting to die.

I'm still working on a piece of writing about grief but I keep putting it down because it is a little exhausting.

Had a long talk with a friend the other night and my heart broke a little for them because they had so much anger but it was well understood why and I wanted to help but there isn't much I could do except to listen.

I've been re-reading books from my childhood, I'm not sure why, maybe to stir up some nostalgia, maybe to see how much of the book I remembered. Maybe to prepare for the day when C would read them. I've kept almost every last book I've ever owned. I love books beyond belief. Always have. I remember growing up and reading while everyone else was watching television. Which isn't to say I don't watch TV, hell even I have some Shameless addictions. But I can't immerse myself in television the way I can in a book. Nerdish of me perhaps but also true.

So anyway, tomorrow is the Canada's Thanksgiving. However, I will be working because you crazy merkins still expect goods to be shipped to you. But I'll only be working till 1pm so I will still have time to get my turkey on. SO's mom was going to host it but she has the flu so now my mom is. Bah. In all honesty I'd be just as happy to not do anything. Mmmmmm not doing anything....

I would kill for a long UNINTERRUPTED hot bath right now. *sigh*

My son is getting better at talking, slow but sure. I am still a little concerned. I'm looking into speech therapy for him.

C made a little paper turkey at school on Friday, it's so cool! She is bringing me home little things every day that makes my heart ache a little with delight. Proud mom syndrome anyone?

She wants to be a pumpkin for halloween. When everyone else wants to be princesses! heee. Her school doesn't allow for costumes but rather has "orange and black day" where the kids dress up in halloween colors. The school also doesn't make the kids solicit for fundraising money which I thought was very cool. They raise money in other ways and are rather successful at it at that.

Erk! Need for coffee. Getting stronger.

ahsfdhfkhljhl.nxzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I am a STORY TELLER

I am a natural story teller, and tales unfold in my mind almost without thought. I can entertain myself by reading a book that exists only in my head, which might make me seem distant from people at times.

Wow, that was a real surprise.

So anyway, work sucked and I ended up being late because I couldn't wake my in-laws up and had to take the kids to mom's house. Which was probably the better deal because my in-laws are sick. Also, I'm still scurrying to fix babysitting issues. Oi! Is it my fault I am picky about who will watch my kids? Personally I think some people aren't picky enough!

I go to play volleyball tonight. A bunch of us put together a team to play in a woman's league. Except we all suck at it. But hey, it's exercise, right?

I am starting to feel stir-crazy. And winter isn't even here yet. Bah.

I have been writing this piece on grief and it's troublesome just how many experiences I've had that have caused me grief. But writing about them is rather cathartic and so I press on.

And now I go to pick up the man. K bye.

This quiz told me I have a "Crystal" Aura. That means:

Crystals have clear auras and are known as the "aura chameleons." Like chameleons, their auras will change colors to match those of the people they are connecting with at the time. They then take on the characteristics, behavior patterns, emotions and thoughts of that color.

Interesting, but I'm not sure if I agree. Maybe? I don't know.

Stupid cold. Now SO is getting it, poor thing.

Holy cats! It's our anniversary on the 21st! Two years already, whooboy!

I have to work on Thanksgiving Monday. Phooey. Stupid work.

I've been swamped at work with month-end stuff. ROAR. Yucky.

Weird dreams galore, but fade too fast before I can jot them down. Stupid interrupting alarm clock...

So yeah. Anyway. How are things?

i'm tired and a really crappy time of year is coming up. also i habe a code. yes again!

i don't want to feel blue but i feel it wrapping around me like a warm blanket.

i had a fucky dream last night about somebody giving me a doll and hugging me and asking me all kinds of inappropriate questions. it was weird flashes of us going between being kids and being adults and i couldn't keep up with which i was supposed to be. then there was this room with a thanksgiving dinner in it and all these people and the person said it was their family and now it's my family too. i didn't quite understand that. and the turkey walked away from the table and nobody thought it was strange except me. then i went to sleep in a warm bed and the person with the doll was there again whispering secrets in my ear but i didn't want to hear them but i did at the same time. anyway that's all i remember. i know who the somebody is but don't feel like telling. so nyah.

ok i'm off to work now!

bleh.

Today at work was hell and busy and hell and busy and hella busy.

Also, my ear is itchy.

Also, I'm hungry.

I got a ride home from work because I left the car at home for SO in case he had to take K to the hospital again. Then SO said he was too tired to pick me up after work. Bugger all. It's ok I understand he was up pretty late and it was wing night last night (they moved it to Mondays! As if) and bla bla bla who's reading this? Yeah, thought so ;p

In other news, I really really hate being sick. And I hate having to explain to my boss why I wasn't in yesterday. And I hate hate hate hate.

Ok I go now.

ROAR!

So my son is still sick, I'm still sick, and my daughter is getting sick. Woo! Stupid germs. Yay for school introducing new germs to our home! Fookers.

I've been an editor for a few days now, have killed some things, cooled some others, getting comfortable with the position, but being sick I barely remember what I've done, thus an editor log. But some other editors are a bit cranky with the idea of editor logs for good reason. Meh.

...although I see the need to "edit" e2 to some degree. There is a lot of crap there that isn't necessary. (I am not talking about poetics or prose, but moreso the actual garbage a la untouchable toilet seat node).

Anyway. I'm blabbering now so I'll quit while I'm ahead. Bye bye

My Pirate Name is: Iron G Flint

"A pirate's life isn't easy; it takes a tough person. That's okay with you, though, since you are that person. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!"

WHAT IS YOUR PIRATE NAME?

I habe a code. Ad I'b all stubbed ub. ::sneeze::

baby boy puked all over my pants and shoes and the front door of my in-laws' home when i went to drop him off this morning.

this is gonna be a bad day, i can tell already...

*sigh*

SO bought the kids Monsters, Inc. while I was away. They like the movie but refuse to watch it without us right there and them sitting in our laps. "Scary movie, mum."

Yesterday was actually a not so bad work day, minimal stress and all. Then I came home.

So there went the non-stress thing. haha!

SO bought a mic for battlecom so now he no longer has to waste valuable game-playing time typing things out, he can just talk with these people. Which is fine. But. Ok I really don't want to get into the "but" of this topic. THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS CALM BLUE OCEAN CALM BLUE OCEAN

ok so yeah.

Off to work now. Byebye.

So yeah. My weekend in B was a lot of fun! Wearing masks and doing our hair all crazy like and talking, talking, talking. Reading old letters. Breathing. It was like coming home. I have missed that for some time and am glad I managed to go.

Last night I became an editor for E2, go me! I was a little taken aback (I had been offered CE status a while ago, but had no idea they really meant it haha) and there are so... many... buttons...



...what was I saying again? Oh yes. So yeah! Content Editor! I promise not to let it get to my head.

Now I must go to workety work work work. Meh. I don't wanna. My entire house is sick except for me and I just know I will be next on the list, damnit. Let's hope I can get away with not being sick because I really, really don't wanna.

Here is a fun link to amuse and delight:

Hello Kitty Psychological Test!

My results:

"You easily feel stressful.

Only with a little bit of additional work plus controlling your temper, you would then lose energy.

Not only you would accumulate your stress, you are weak to release it. For this type exercise and Karaoke would be the best way."

I shit you not, ladies and gentlemen, that was my quiz result. God bless Hello Kitty.

so now i have to find a new babysitter because once again i'm being let down. but the reasons for my being let down are perfectly understandable, so...

gah.

i really hate all this drama that keeps popping up in my life i would much rather have it be quiet for a little while but i don't think that will happen any time soon.

gonna spend the weekend up in b with my cousin v. we have some catching up to do. it's going to be just us two which will be nice. that is, if i can get someone else to babysit because my mom flaked off and so has to work saturday.

ROAR.

Today I sent my daughter to school for the very first time. I was nervous and she was nervous and excited. We got there a bit early so she got to play in the playground with the other kids for a bit. It was funny to watch her elbow her way in like that.

I hope she makes a lot of friends. I hope she has fun. I hope she listens to her teacher and doesn't cause too much trouble. I hope I can survive this. Hehe.

School! Good God. She's in... school. My mom took K today so I could bring C to school just me and her. My mom and dad took pictures of her on her first day, and of course I did too. She was almost too nervous for breakfast but she managed to have some somehow. I couldn't touch a thing till I got home.

I've been feeling sorta sick which didn't help matters. But I got her there and they let us parents walk our kids in to help them out. She gets her own hook and her own cubbyhole. She has indoor shoes and outdoor shoes. She packed her own lunch last night.

She was only a baby a little while ago, how could I have missed her growing up so fast?

I love you C. I'm proud of you. Now don't go beating up any boys. ;)

Bad day.

Oh come on, people, I haven't don't a quiz/survey in AGES. Besides, this one is pretty neat. Ok, here goes nothing...


PAST

First grade teacher's name: the first half of the year it was Ms. Janet. Then we moved to Quebec, and it was Mrs. Fitzpatrick. Ms Janet sucked but Mrs. Fitzpatrick ROCKED.

Last word you said: Yes

Last song you sang: The ABC song (at my daughter's insistence)

Last song stuck in your head: Dr. Hook - Cover of a Rolling Stone



PRESENT

What's in your CD player: a mix CD I threw together one day when I was late for work and didn't care that making the CD was making me later. The mix is called "LATE FOR WORK". Want a copy? :)

What color socks are you wearing: no socks for me baby

What's under your bed: a monster! grrr!

What's the weather like: Sunny and hot

What time did you wake up today: too fucking early


FUTURE

Who do you want to marry: Too late, I already married him

Are you going to college: no

Where do you want to go: I'd love to go to Scotland

What is your career going to be: Isn't what I'm doing now a career?

Where are you going to live: Where I am now

How many kids do you want: Two seems pretty good...oh wait! I have two! How perfect.

Kids' names: C and K.

Where do you want your honeymoon: You mean people can still afford to go on those?

What kind of car will you have: currently we are driving a '96 Mercury Sable



[a] - age: 2-something

[b] - best friends: they know who they are

[c] - choice of meat: rare rare rare steak. or veal. moo!

[d] - Dream date: person or event?

[e] - Exciting adventure: life

[f] - favorite food: you mean I have to choose?

[g] - greatest accomplishment(s): having 2 awesome kids, learning that i really am brave, i really am strong

[h] - happiest day of your life: how can one measure it? life is not over until you die, only then can you say, "oh yes, THAT was the day"

[i] ? interests: photos, music, movies, paranormal stuff, observing people, too many interests to mention

[k] - kool-aid: grape

[l] - Love: mo my mommma momma mo my mother, i would love to love you lover...

[m] - most valued: my family

[n] - name: g

[o] - Outfit you love: i hate clothes.

[p] - pizza toppings: pepperoni, pineapple, extra sauce, garlic. i hate cheese on pizza and always pick it off.

[q] - question asked to you the most: are you for real?

[r] - Radio station: none

[s] - Sport: no thanks

[t] - television shows: Whose Line is it Anyway?, The Simpsons, 3rd Rock from the Sun (even tho it was cancelled - BOOO!). Tho truth be told, I don't watch much television.

[u] - Your favorite song: Depends on my mood

[v] - Video: Again, depends on my mood

[w]- winter: is cold.

[x] - xylophone: ping, pingpingpingping, pingpingping, ping, pingpingpingping, pingpingping!

[y] - year born: 19--.

[z] - zodiac sign: Leo. Chinese: Fire Dragon.



Your favorite myth: The Tragedy of Cassandra

your favorite serial killer: hmm....

your favorite female ass: Milla Jovovich

your favorite author: Oh, too many to mention! I consume mass quantities of books. mmmm books.

your favorite obsession: John Cusack

your favorite number: 7

Your favorite excuse: I forgot

Your favorite emotion: That warm happy feeling you get after a really good orgasm. Or love, or somesuch.

your favorite drug: alcohol

your favorite drink: milk, i drink it by the gallon

Your favorite place: the bathtub

your favorite unattainable object: why would it be a favorite if i'd never attained it?

your favorite regret: i regret nothing.

your favorite thing to hate: math

your favorite paranoia: alien abduction

your favorite way to die: sleeping

your favorite insecurity: that i'm being too selfish

your favorite frustration: insomnia

I keep wanting to write something but it is at the tip of my brain and there is so much and my hands are not fast enough to cram it all down onto paper before it jumbles up again. Like dandelion seeds spreading, don't blow, not yet only gentle breaths oh shit I blew and there they go, bye bye thoughts.

I wonder who will catch them.

I had a bee fixation today, I'm not sure why.

Today at work, there was a gigantic spider crawling up the glass on the outside without a care in the world and people were cringing and freaking out and all I could keep thinking was, lucky.

Death by fire ants would be painful, I bet.

OK, now I am going to try and get some sleep. Wish me luck.

I have too much to do and not enough time to do it all again, fuckety fuck fuck.

Man I am a whiney bitch sometimes, you know that?

Of course you do.

On the bright side, I have tea! It is Twinings of London English Breakfast Tea. What is amusing the hell out of me is the "Packed in Greensboro, NC" stamped proudly on the frong of the packaging. On the back it says "A blend of Ceylon, Kenyan, and Indian teas, producing a full-bodied English brew." Does anyone else see how amusing that is?

Ok I'm off to go work now.

had a bad day again
she said I would not understand
she left a note
and said "i'm sorry, i
had a bad day again"


i'm feeling icky and bleh. k has an earache, poor little bug. c is moody from either lack of sleep or too much stuff going on during the weekend. she goes to school september 13th. she can't wait!

She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace
Smeared the lipstick on her face
Slammed the door and said i'm sorry i
Had a bad day again

dude, that is totally me today, right down to the fucking shoelace.

ok i'm going to go cry or whatever it is girls do when they're upset and have nowhere to release it all. maybe i'm still hurting from this grandfather dying business. i don't know.

...is it so wrong to cry?

(it feels like it is wrong)

and all that's going on in my head is

(i loved you i hated you i love you i hate you god damn you you left you fucking bastard and you left us all and you left us all and you left us all you fucker)

this isn't healthy. i need a nap.

So I ended up not going to my grandfather's funeral, it was too messy an ordeal. My mom insisted I keep my plans with SP for the weekend.

So we went to visit some friends in O-S. It was a nice peaceful weekend, our kids got along with their kids, we were just sort of taking things at a slow pace and enjoying ourselves.

Swam at S-Beach yesterday, we all got burns heheh

I feel a small twinge of guilt for not going to the funeral. But like I posted before, this man has been dead to me for years...yet still. Bah. You cannot change what has been done.

So there was only crap radio stations on in O-S so I put on a random tape, it happened to be Weezer. So we're listening and Say it Ain't So comes on and for no apparent reason I start to cry and I think it's because all teh alcohol references made me think of my grandfather and it was just gah.

What a waste what a terrible waste. This man didn't care when he found out he had a great-granddaughter (my daughter) and didn't even know about his great-grandson (my son). How sad is that? This man has missed out on so many births Christmases birthdays weddings christenings. He didn't come to my wedding, I don't even know if anyone invited him.

How do you put to rest in your mind someone who makes you cry because of all he never was?

The funeral wouldn't have done it. I know this. I've been to enough funerals in my life to know this. It doesn't stop there.

My mother's father died last night. He had a heart attack. By the time the hospital reached someone to tell them, he was dead. At least he didn't suffer.

But there are members of his family, his own children, who believe he should have suffered, and been made to pay and pay and pay for what he did.

I don't want to really get into what he did or did not do. That is the past and he is gone now. In a sense he's been gone for quite some time. I have met him a total of maybe 9 times in my life.

I am numb. He has been dead to me for years. So why am I crying?

We've been through fake-a-breakdown
Self hurt
Plastics, collections
Self help, self pain,
ESP, psychics, fuck all
I was central
I had control
I lost my head
I need this
I need this

(ll) damnit
(ll) I need rockstars now
(g) rockstars schmockstars
(g) they're all the fucking same.
(wn) g is our rockstar
(g) you better fucking believe it, sirrah

sex
drugs
wine
women
fun
sin
you
(no wonder it's dark!)

haha i am too clever.

I have eleventy bajillion things to do today. Why do I always do this to myself?

I've got to learn to say no to some things. I am not a superhero. In spite of whatever they may tell you.

But the cape sure looks nifty, don't it? :)

I don't wanna go work today. *sigh*

On the bright side, I may not have to work Monday after all. ROCK!

i have a busy week this week.

also. 80's rock tunes swishing like tuning a radio in my head.

i blame everything.

and also. sometimes i really am a brat.

memo to self: don't jump. you are not a lemming.

So I slept in this morning and now I have to take a cab to work (grumblefuck) so I'm typing this while waiting for a cab.

I woke up to this contraption being on and opened to a letter from our friend MSh saying sure he'd love us to come up this weekend. I guess that means we are going to O-S, thanks for the heads-up SO.

Except I have to work on Monday (SUCK!) so I don't know what's going on now hmmm

Ok gotta go cab's here

Ok. So. Today my SO decided to read my journal for the first time in a while. And then later this evening when he called me from work he called me a brat for writing that he cried when he watched "I am Sam". (See? I told you so.) He said I promised I wouldn't say anything to anyone. Except I don't remember saying that. So hmm.

Then I said "would you rather I discuss our sex life in detail?" and he said "Yup. Wait... will you get money for it?" "No." Pause. "Well, forget that then!" hehehee I love him so.

I went to JB & N's wedding on Saturday. It was really nice and I had a lot of fun. Too bad SO was bored out of his skull. Apparently this was my fault (read: I drank he did not and I Was supposed to be DD). I suppose I should feel sorry but there is a little selfish person inside me that says FUCKIT. I danced up a storm and I haven't done that in YEARS quite literally.

The keyboard is sticking like someone spilled something in it. Hrm.

It was my father's birthday on Sunday and we went over to my parents' for food and cake but we were stuffed because we all went out to brunch first at the Queen's with a bunch of friends.

It makes me a little sad to think that a lot of these friends we only really get to see at weddings funerals and baptisms. It makes me feel older.

C goes to school soon. She is ready. I am not.

*sigh*

So now that SO is reading this, HI I LOVE YOU OK THX BYE

Hey you!
You've been around for a while.
If you'll admit that you are wrong, then we'll admit that we're right.

And the joke is, when he awoke his
body was covered in coke fizz.

What I love about that song is everyone I know sings it "goat piss" instead of "coke fizz". Because honestly. It sounds like they are saying goat piss.

On that note, I am off to work.

Bizarre fact about me: I cannot go to sleep unless all the closets in my house have been shut in a particular order.

here comes the sun and i say it's all right

the morning came too quickly today. this past weekend was really nice a lot of rest that i haven't had in a long long time.

work was ok it took me most of the morning to catch up to friday's fiasco (i don't really want to go into details. for one, it's mundane to anyone not in it, and for two, it's mundane to anyone who IS involved). i got a ride home with my father and had supper at their house. then i got the kids ready to go home. of course, c didn't want to come home with me and cried the whole time.

my mother has this awful habit of giving c her way all the time. it is getting to the point where i am considering threatening very limited visitation and perhaps none at all until my mother learns to respect my wishes and deal with c the way we deal with her.

it's a tough thing to do because my daughter adores my mother (of course she does, who wouldn't adore someone who gives you everything you ask for at the merest pout?) but i have to lay down the law.

ROAR i am in a pissy mood. stupid moms.

listening to random music on my play list and laughing in spite of myself. who listens to "here comes the sun" when they are ready to cause torrential storms? :p

tell me oh readert, is this what you prefer? my blabbering about nothings and foregoing letting you know that i am snoopy, rob gordon from high fidelity version of john cusack, and a salad spinner via the happy fun quiz result pictures?

yeah. that's what i thought. :p

My daughter is at my mother's house, having a sleep over. We have cousins from Port. visiting, they have a little girl C's age, so they are having a sleep over this weekend. C was tickled pink at the notion, doubly so when I bought her new pajamas for the occasion. I am glad she has this fun time, but still I missed her this morning.

Lazy Sunday morning. The two most important boys in my life (read: husband and son) are still sleeping soundly. My son came crawling into bed with us at 7 am, crying from a bad dream. Cuddled in, kissed me on the cheek and feel asleep again. This is Sunday morning in our home.

I couldn't get back to sleep (typically) and just lay there watching my son and my husband sleep peacefully. Listened to their quiet breathing and wondered what I ever did without this.

Got up quietly out of bed so as not to disturb my sleeping angels (angels only when they sleep, did you ever notice this?) and came downstairs. Made myself some coffee. Indulgance; ate some caramel pecan pie. This is the decadent life I sometimes allow myself to have. Stretched like a feline, cracked my back in the process, felt the ooozing sensation of blood pressure changing.

PS: Hi bgy!

I am considering a shower about now, to wash away the remnants of sleep. Yesterday I slept most of the day away, battling off a cold. Then I took a hot bath with lavender bath oil in between. Cleared my head up and soothed me at the same time. SO said I smelled too girly for him. I said I didn't care as long as this cold went away before it could check in at the front desk and settle for a few weeks.

Now I go to do things, probably clean the house, probably not. We will see.

Good morning, world.

dreamlog:

fading fast but main points were i was growing and selling pot (very odd since i am allergic to the shit) and i gave this huge bag of it to my cow orker to hold on to right in front of a police officer (played by Dustin Hoffman, no word of a lie) and then he took some and started smoking it right in front of us.

Then I was touring through this house with SO and he was looking for weird collectibles of characters I had never heard of before. It was an old house and had all sorts of pathways and stairways and things. There were these kids constantly running through our legs and stuff and eventually I lost him. So I started planting things in the middle of the kitchen and then got into a heated debate with someone about how to grow ginseng. Meanwhile my cow orker had smoked all the pot I had given her which didn't bother me in the least and then asked me for my cigarettes. Which was weird because I knew I had quit smoking, why did I have cigarettes on me? I gave them to her anyway because I knew I wasn't going to smoke them. Hmm.

I found SO in the backyard going through this old wooden toy box and he had found one of these unheard of collectibles and it looked like a ken doll with a clown face, I couldn't describe it. All I knew was it creeped me out and he said "yeah it's great isn't it?" and then took it to its owner to ask if he could buy it.

Meanwhile I went to this tent in the backyard and under it was all this weird stuff and I kept trying to organize it all but people kept coming by and picking things up and putting them down in a different place, it was driving me bonkers.

Ok that's all I remember.

Damnit Derek, I'm a coal miner, not a professional film and television actor!

i don't know about the rest of you, but i'm just utterly and completely exhausted. and it's not just from the whole wine episode last night (which was partial accident, partially on purpose. sometimes it is nice to feel numb).

it's strange because i really really like my job, but i am so stressed by it because it is a big responsibility. but not a bad stressed that i take home. job stays at work which is nice.

but then there are some outer elements that cause me to feel stressed. my kids are not taking this very well because they are used to mommy being around more. so now k is having nightmares and peeing the bed and c is waking up in the middle of the night crying for me and begging me not to go to work the next day. but when the next day comes they are fine and have fun at my aunt's (she is baby sitting them from 2-5, just before so goes to work straight afternoon shift until i pick them up when i am done work) and they spend some quality time alone with daddy in the mornings.

but i guess nothing compares to mommy sometimes.

and then there is the fact that since so works straight afternoon shifts, i don't really get to see much of him if anything at all during the week. we only have weekends, but it seems like every weekend this summer has had some sort of event going on that we had to go to so we haven't really had much in the way of quality time.

what i really love about this is, noboby is really reading this journal as i am notorious for just little blibberings about nothing appended by horrendous quiz results. who wants to read that crap? hell who wants to read what i'm writing right now either?

I bought Zoolander, The 13th Warrior, and LOTR recently. All very good.

I found out yesterday while having lunch with my friend S that our friend JD (who's wedding I went to back in June) is pregnant! She got her test results the day before the wedding but hasn't said anything until now, the sneak! I am happy for her.

T brought me a cool birthday (belated) present last night. It was all sorts of expensive luxurious bath things. Have I mentioned I adore baths? Oh good god, I would kill for a hot bath right now. And a cup of tea and a good book. Lots of bubbles. Candles. Mmmm. That is a little slice of heaven right there.

...what was I saying?

Oh yes. So she brought that over and I was muchly pleased and quite surprised. Then she lamented over the fact that she goes back to work soon (she has been off on maternity leave with her son A) and then B gets 4 months paternity leave with the baby alone. She really doesn't want to go back to her old job but has to for financial reasons. It really sucks and I feel bad for her.

I need to dye my hair again.

Also, the ear piercings are itching right now, stupid healing process.

I should do more writing in this damn thing and less fluff.

Today I found I was hugging myself because I was cold and tired.

My lips are chapped. I HATE THAT.

Tomorrow is dress down day, WOO!

Ok I go now.

Take the Bovine Personality Test!

hee.

anyway. yeah. head is a little throbby this morning, probably due to consumption of too much wine last night.

ps EMUS ROCK.

that is all.

I had a really bizarre dream involving getting married again, and I was late for my own damn wedding, and I couldn't find the garter and there was this acquaintance who was doing everything BUT getting my hair done, and suddenly there were two dresses, one from the wedding i had with SO and a new one, and i couldn't decide, and i was panicking and angry at the friend for not helping but rather doing whatever she could to hinder my progress.

at one point she was sitting under a blanket on my bed eating something and wouldn't come out until she was done. she put a banana clip in my hair and claimed i was done. then she poured her drink all over me.

meh.

anyway....

notes to self:

- new m.o. for wp
- make sure r0 got her thing
- talk to the school asap
- call the dentist, make appt. f/girl
- call the eye doctor, make appt. f/girl, me, husband
- call audiologist, reschedule appt. f/boy
- EXPENSE REPORT before the acct dpt puts my head on a stake

have you ever gotten that surreal moment where you feel like you are floating when really you are just sitting there? but for that moment you feel ... lighter

i'm getting that feeling right now.

hmmm.

i feel completely overbooked lately.

ack! which reminds me:

- call cm re: bbst f/wedding on aug24

phew.

this is only a SMALL glimpse of all the crap i have to do.

ok i go now.

Monkees - Daydream Believer

]

Which Trainspotting Character Are You?


I saw J and E and a bunch of other people at K & SC's place last night. It was nice but near the end our kids were getting a little crazy from being tired so we took off just as some other people were coming in.

So. Sleepy.

I have been having weird dreams. Friday night I conked out with K on the couch and had a dream that our house was flooding all except the top floor. And the floor looked different like we had renovated the hell out of it. I was the only one concerned about the flood. Then I woke up at 8 thinking it was 8 am and flipping out because SO wasn't home. I called his friend JE.

me: have you seen so anywhere?
je: yeah i talked to him like an hour ago on the phone
me: where was he??
je: uhm...at... WORK?
me: what the FUCK is he doing at work?
je: uhm... working?
me: at 8 am?
je: g... it's 8 at night.
me: oh. cripes. really? jebus.

needless to say he got a good laugh out of it. this is clearly a sign i am stressed and not getting enough sleep.

so then i stayed up with k a bit and then we both conked out again. this time i had a weird dream about someone making me take them to see someone else but the someone else was involved with yet another person and it was a whole big mess. then i dreamt i was discussing food with sting in an elevator that was going up this floor to some sort of office where we apparently worked.

last night i dreamt i was worked as this person who was hooked up to these wires on this big tower and every time i saw a jaywalker i was supposed to swoop down and knock the stuffing right out of them.

yeah. crazy stuff.

anyway, i'm waiting for a call from J & E to go out to madelyn's for breakfast. mmm breakfast...

So yeah. Tuesday sucked because 1) I slept in, and I hate that, even if it is only for a few minutes I spend the rest of my day catching up with myself. 2) the lock to the door in our house busted and I could not get in and it was hot and my son was tired and had a poopy pull-up because he was sick and had the runs. BADDD scenario.

Took the locksmith 1 hr to come to my house. So I am glad I dropped my son off at the in-laws and came back to wait for him. Then he picked the lock on the garage door (we didnt' have a key for it and haven't ever) and took the doorknob off and then took the doorknob off our front door and tons of dust came out. The peg in the middle had rounded off (normally they are square) so he took both of these things and took them back to his magic locksmithing shop and came back and voila. Not only was front door lock fixed, now garage door works with same key. YAY LOCKSMITH! He also only charged me like, forty bucks, which is wayyyy cheaper than he should have. I RULE.

Wednesday was better. I still slept in again and had to scramble like a madwoman when I got home to clean up toys &etc from the floor (kids toys, yo) for my fantasia party. It was fun and I got like $150 in FREE PRODUCT WOO! Anyway. My parents kept the kids all night haha! Suckers.

...but I slept in a little again from being up so late Wed night (why I was up so late is NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX). GAH! This week it is like my sworn duty to sleep in or something. But SO woke up this time and sped me off to work and we even had time for me to get coffeeeeee mmmmmm.

Ok. So. That brings us to today. I actually woke up early today in spite of the fact I was up late again. Let's hope it goes over well, but I doubt it.

What's Your Movie Dream Car?

by Auto Glass America

BATMOBILE! YEAH!

I had a fantasia party last night.
And my kids ended up sleeping over at my parents' house.
Needless to say, when the party was over, after SO came home, I did not get any sleep.

...sometimes lack of sleep is a *good* thing. ;)

Yesterday was craptastic. I will write more later. Finer points include:

- sleeping in
- the lock on our house door being busted
- cold dinner at the in-laws
- forgetting my expense report at home.

I forget where I got this.

I AM: tired
I THINK: i think too much
I KNOW: that i know a lot less than i would like to, and a lot more than i should
I WANT: ice cream
I HAVE: so much more than i deserve
I WISH: too many wishes
I HATE: insincerity
I MISS: you
I FEAR: the unknown
I HEAR: what you tell
I SEARCH: for meaning
I WONDER: if i care too much
I REGRET: nothing
I LOVE: too much
I ACHE: a dull sort of aching that sits there and waits
I CARE: i care. i do.
I ALWAYS: remember kindness
I AM NOT: who you think i am
I DANCE: to remember to let go
I SING: whenever it suits me
I CRY: too much
I DO NOT ALWAYS: keep my temper
I FIGHT: when pushed
I WRITE: and i write and i write. oh how i write.
I WIN: and yet i lose.
I LOSE: my car keys on a daily basis.
I CONFUSE: myself
I LISTEN: to those who need to talk
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: where you last look
I NEED: i don't know what i need
I AM HAPPY ABOUT: my children
I SHOULD: go to bed.

Wow I have been moody today. I was up up up for the past week or so and now... CRASH BANG.

Maybe I am manic-depressive or some shit. Or maybe I am just a moody woman like all the other women on this planet. I don't know.

My son was sick today, I felt so bad for the little guy. *sigh* My daughter is currently at a sleepover at my mom's house, some cousins from portugal are down and brought their little girl around C's age. So my daugher is going haywire over her. It's cute.

I bought some more clothes for new job today, blech. I hate buying clothes.

SO had to work today even though it was a holiday.

I feel sleepy now. I have been having weird dreams, but I keep forgetting to write them down. Memo to self: Invest in another dream journal.

My old one is full.

It is weird to read back on dreams, with new eyes you get a totally different perspective and see what they really meant.

Things with SO are getting a bit better than they have been of late. Something is still bothering him but he isn't as distant.

Ok I go now, fall asleep to movies or something.

Ok so last night my sister-in-law and her boyfriend TN took me out for my birthday. They claimed it was only a ten minute drive but of course they were lying, we ended up going to K-W.
They took me to lazer quest and then we went to mongolian grill to eat and drink a few drinks. It was good fun and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. CM admitted she was a little perplexed about what to get me for my birthday so she decided we shoudl go do something goofy and fun. YAY FOR CM AND TN.

Today will hopefully be a lazy do nothing sort of day. Even though I have an expense report staring at me, begging me to fill it out. Stupid expense reports. They take FOREVERRRRR

Ok I go hunt for breakfast now! And lots of juice! Because too many martinis make my mouth dry the next day.


Inigo Montoya: Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father: prepare to die. Now, offer me money.
[slices Count Rugen's cheek]
Count Rugen: Yes.
Inigo Montoya: Power too. Promise me that.
[slices Count Rugen's other cheek]
Count Rugen: All that I have and more. Please...
Inigo Montoya: Offer me everything I ask for.
Count Rugen: Any thing you want.
Inigo Montoya: I want my father back, you son of bitch.
[stabs and kills Count Rugan]

Yay! My first Saturday off from job in YEARS. I heart this.

We watched "I am Sam" after SO came home from work last night and I CRIED LIKE A BABY. You heard me. It was really really good. Even SO cried, and ADMITTED he cried. See? This is what becoming a parent does to you, it makes you a SAP. (He will kill me later for posting this. Likely also call me a brat.)

But even if I weren't a mom I think I would cry. I mean... gah. So sad.

However. I think being a parent definitely puts a different spin on how you view this movie. Because you understand some of the things they talk about, like how everyone regardless of their mental IQ can find parenting to be confusing and difficult and that they make so many mistakes. Everyone has self doubt, and the only true constant is that you love your child so fiercely, so much, that you can hardly contain the feeling.

OK! First of all, my birthday ROCKED and thanks to everyone who called/messaged/wrote to wish me a happy birthday! YOU ARE MY HEROES

Especially thank you to my SO, r0, OJ and the NYCCB, you know why.

YAY for surprises!

Birthday things:

- treatza pizza
- stag and doe party
- sleeping in (mmm)
- breakfast
- ice cream
- manicure
- gift certificates
- phone calls
- mail

In other news, I am Colin!

I am Colin! See which Whose Line is it Anyway? cast member you are!

See? Told ya!

He is my favorite, well him and Ryan. YAY!

Work is going well, in spite of a few glitches at the beginning of the week, I am getting into the swing of things. :)

Did I mention that my SO rocks for getting me a CD burner?

Did I mention that the NYCCB rock for catering to my whimsical fetishes?

Did I mention that OJ especially rocks for playing detective and getting me things I specifically wanted?

Did I mention that r0 rocks for pulling a crazy stunt that honored me, overwhelmed me, and made me happy?

Did I mention that the rest of you rock too?

Did I mention that I am drinking wayyy too much coffee lately?

:) :) :) :) :) :)

It's my first official day at the new job. I am so nervous. Ack!

I also can't get Cake's version of "I Will Survive" out of my head.

I had a WONDERFUL birthday, thank you all who wished me well and thank you all who called! I will write more later when I get home.

Did I mention I have "I will survive" stuck in my head? The bass beat is catchy. And also making me wiggle in my chair.
 
Ok. I go now!

happy birthday to me.

Songs:
 
*reminds you of an ex-lover: Guns n Roses - Patience
*reminds you of an ex-friend: Third Eye Blind - Jumper
*makes you cry: nothing comes to mind.
*makes you laugh: David Bowie - Don't Sit Down
*makes you wanna dance: anything by The Gypsy Kings
*makes you wanna sing: I always want to sing <- what data said
*reminds you of the one you want: The Beta Band - Dry the Rain
*reminds you of the one you love: Sting - Fields of Gold
*you wish you wrote: nothing comes to mind
*you never want to hear again: anything by Cher
*you want to get married to: already got married, our first song was I Mother Earth - So Gently We Go
*sums up your teenage years: Depeche Mode - Blasphemous Rumors
*you like to wake up to: anything upbeat
*you like out of your parents record collection: pretty much anything my Dad listens to
*you love that you wouldn't know about if it wasn't for a friend: The Shins - The Past and Pending
*reminds you of your 1st crush: Bon Jovi - I'll Be There for You
*you love which is from your favorite movie: Aimee Man - Wise Up from Magnolia (though that isn't my favorite movie, it is what is coming to mind)
*makes you think of the moon: David Bowie - Space Oddity
*makes you think of stars: That damn Moby song. I can't get it out of my head.
*makes you think of the sun: The Supremes - Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In
*makes you think of the night: The Toadies - Possum Kingdom
*makes you think of sex: a lot of songs make me think of sex.
*makes you think of being alone: Dido - Honestly Ok

So yeah.
 
Other points:
- pierced my ears again
- casino debacle
- hotels suck
- sleep deprivation
- buying of things for self
- coming home early
 
So.
 
What's new? Hmm? Share a piece of news with me.

So:
 
Hotel rooms suck. The training went alright.
 
Points to remember:
 
- two boys from Virginia propositioning me in the parking lot minutes after arriving at the hotel sunday night
- the tire explode-y adventure
- the hotel catching fire adventure
- the Cameron the movie guy simultaneously hitting on me/lecturing me about comics debacle
- the Casino adventure
- the truck exploding on the highway on the way home adventure
 
It's been a tiring week. It's nice to be home. Too bad I have to go back next week.
 
W is a suck town. HATE IT. Also expensive. Work is *so* going to owe me money.

So today is my last day at my old job, I am training the new guy and then I am OUTTA THERE! My boss did the political apology thing which was weird I never expected one from her. Ok I am off!

I am still pissed off at my boss. But cooling down. Also, gads it is hot out there. Also, spent time today in the kiddie pool with my daughter and son. my son kept dunking his head under water gulping some up and then snorting it out his nose. On his face you could just see the pride. "Lookit me, mom, I'm a whale!"
 
The water was coooold but so nice in the humidity. YAY!We also had ice cream at Scoopers. It was an ok day in spite of the whole incident with my boss.

They're breakdance fighting!
 
Hahahahaa. Oh god. I loved Zoolander.
 
I have no idea what got me to thinking about that movie. I need a whole lot of sleep but it ain't happening.
 
Wow wow wow time is speeding up and the next thing you know I will be doing this new job and gah! No time to prepare!
 
So training this kid has been interesting although I think whatever I have taught him will slip away into dim memory well before he has had a chance to retain it. Which means more work for me in the long run having to type down what I did so he has something written. I mean we have procedures in place (I should know, I wrote the fucking book) but somet things are relatively new that I do and have not had the time to put in the freakin manual. I am -} {- this close to saying FUCK ALL Y'ALL FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELVES.
 
But my stupid conscience is getting the better of that instinct.
 
I go now.

So I started training a new guy yesterday to take my place. He is young, gads, only 18. Cripes. He is also the first guy to ever do this job. It's always been girls.
 
After work I had to rush to get myself together to go to my friend JD's wedding. I ended up going alone because of babysitting issues. It was a lovely wedding and JD looked gorgeous, as did everyone. I took my daughter to the church with me, she was pleased as punch that I did so. But I sent her back home afterward.
 
The reception was good as well and fun. Except I was lonely for SO. I hate going to functions alone sometimes, I always get the "where's SO?" question and then the raised eyebrow as I try to explain the situation. Some people are vultures circling, waiting for something bad to happen so they can feed on it.
 
M scraped up her leg bad falling down the steep hill at the Vic Inn (where reception was at) parking lot. It was pretty nasty, but after a few drinks in her she felt fine hehehe. I sat at a table with some people I haven't seen in a long while, that was good. The funny thing about weddings is that there is of course the inevitable wedding talk among couples who are and are not married. The couples who are married inevitably warn the couples who are not married to ELOPE! DO IT! FORGET THE WEDDING STUFF!
 
Personally, I wanted to elope to Las Vegas and get married there, but, hmmm how can I explain this? My father had been dreaming about walking his daughter down the aisle and celebrating with family and friends since the day I was born. How could I possibly not grant him that?
 
In any case, a good time was had by all. Instead of clinking plates or singing songs about love to get the couple to kiss, we had to go up and tell a story about them or tell a joke. I found that to be a much better option. I went home early, however, because I was still tired from the night before (my son still having issues getting used to his "big boy bed").
 
Today I actually get the day off, WOO.
 
But Monday I work 7am-11am and then back in from 3pm-11pm. Fuckers. I am gone from their clutches in 2 weeks. Holy wow. Two weeks!
 
Ok. Time to do things.

I am spinning in circles.

You said you would tread gently; I hope you do, but not too gently. I need to remember what it means to be strong even when you are so very small.

I need to remember a lot of things.

Dear heart, the head and I have talked, would you mind it if you would stop breaking a little while? The tear ducts are going on strike and frankly, it is giving us a headache.

xo

G.

She says, "It's only in my head."
And she knows she's more than just a little misunderstood.
She has trouble acting normal when she's nervous.
 
I am feeling like I am going on an emotional roller coaster. My heart is a piece of pottery dug up from the earth, be careful, it is so old and fragile, you could shatter it if you aren't careful.
 
If you dusted it off you would find behind the layers of debris a cacophany of scenes that would both melt and shatter you.
 
I am not near so melodramatic as I seem. But I would like to be, if only for today. I hope that is ok with you.
 
Round here, we talk just like lions,
But we sacrifice like lambs.
Round here,
She's slippin' though my hands.
 
I don't know who I am anymore but I am slowly starting to find out. What frightens me to no end is that, in the end, when I finally emerge and be who I am meant to be, I will be standing alone.
 
And yet at the same time, I welcome that.
 
I am a fuckton of mixed-up craziness.Do you even care? Who reads this, anyway? Really now.
 
She says, "Shh... I know, it's only in my head."

Days are glomming into each other. I have been emotionally frazzled. HUGS ARE APPRECIATED.

I get to train soon, this should be interesting.

I am still messed up as far as daycare goes. *sigh*

I got excellent surprises from PI, J, and Q. They all have impeccable timing; I needed the lift.
 
I wrote something new. It exhausted me. Writing about stuff that has to do with my life always does exhaust me but after I am finished with it I feel... relief? Something akin to that.

Work is giving me $$ advance for my expenses and a car. YAY! This makes me feel a bit better about things, I hate the idea of paying upfront and then having work dick around and not refund for say YEARS.

Not that that's happened before, or anything. *cough*

I had more to say but I lost it. That seems to be the theme of late. Speaking of themes, it is fun playing themerati, the bastardized version of literati. Although not as easy as you may think!

Today is just not a very good day. I suppose it started with my son getting me up at 2:30 in the morning and my not sleeping since. Carried on with the chilling fact that I am going to have to shell out $170 (before tax mind you) for day care to watch my kids every afternoon when I take on this new job, thus putting me in the exact same amount of money left over as I am now, no improvement there. SO isn't helping by beeing moody as all hell. Oh yes, he called me a bitch today.

So now I'm in between shifts of working. Only a few more weeks and then I'm free of this god-awful position.
 
That is my mantra. "Soon I will be free."
 
Playing Ben Harper mp3's to give me energetic feeling. Hopefully I can trick myself into it. THANK YOU CBN FOR GIVING ME ACCESS TO YOUR PRETTIES. XOXOOk. Brain melting.
 
Not enough sleep in me. Too many hrs working. Write more later.

Have you ever:
 
01. fallen for your best friend?: yes.
02. made out with JUST a friend?: yes
03. been rejected?: yes
04. been in love?: of course!
05. been in lust?: well duh.
06. used someone?: never.
07. been used?: unfortunately, more often than not.
08. cheated on someone?: define "cheated".
09. been cheated on?: see above.
10. been kissed?: yeah.
11. done something you regret?: i regret nothing.
 
who was the last person....
12. you touched? my son, i gave him a hug and a kiss before putting him into bed
13. you talked to? with a voice? uhmm... my mom.
14. you hugged? see #12
15. you instant messaged? eh, feck, i don't know. lotsa people.
16. you kissed? *kiss* kissed? my husband.
17. you yelled at? same person i kissed.
18. you laughed with? my kids.
19. you had a crush on? i try not to crush and tell.
21. who broke your heart? i'm a mom, my heart breaks on a daily basis.
 
do you...
22. color your hair? yes. any color you can imagine.
23. have tattoos? no, but hoping to get one this summer.
24. piercings? aside from my ears?
25. have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both? no, my husband wouldn't approve
26. floss daily? yes.
27. own a web cam? no, thank goodness!
28. have aol? nope. i use aim though.
29. what are you wearing? kinky bastage, i'm not answering that!
 
favorite...
30. car?: ARMY TANK
31. place? : can't narrow it down.
32. thing to do on a rainy day?: watch movies
33. ... sunny day?: have a picnic
34. ... boring day?: read something
35. ... good day?: spend time with loved ones
36. ... bad day?: kick things
37. friends?: i don't play favorites with friends, yo.
38. person?: my kids tie this one up.
39. movie(s)?: anything with john cusack in it, and uhmmm this is tough. i like lotsa movies.
40. song(s)?: again, i can't play favorites
41. color(s)?: black, silver, red, purple, white
42. food(s)?: ice cream!
43. drink(s)?: water, milk, tea
44. memory?: my first kiss
45. features of the opposite sex?: eyes, shoulders, hands
 
what...
46. do you do in the mornings?: wake up to hungry baby noises, feed my kids, make some coffee, read the paper if i'm lucky, every day is different, i don't have a "typical" day.
47. ... afternoons?: stuff with kids/work/whatever.
48. ... evenings?: see 46/47
49. do you like to watch on daytime tv?: i don't like television.
51. makes you swoon?: john cusack (hahaha), men who can pull off smoking a cigar without looking ridiculous, good music
52. makes the guys/girls swoon about you?: I don't know, ask them.
53. makes you happy?: making others happy
54. ... sad?: memories
55. ... mad?: selfishness
56. ... feel good?: an un-looked-for message/phone call from someone i have been thinking of.
57. would you rather be doing?: traveling the world.
58. are you listening to? the gentle hum of the air conditioning
59. can you do anything freakish with your body? yeah, wanna see? :p
 
Random Questions:
60. chicken or fish? fish
61. do you have a favorite animal? cats. meow!
62. is ice cream the best thing in the world? no, but it is pretty damn high up there!

New work coming up quickly.
 
Old boss getting cranky.
 
Me feeling happy and nervous and excited and everything all at once.
 
I have to iron out details about getting a company car and cash advance. Also directions to the workplace and maybe to places to sleep that are near place of training. It is kind of going to be nice to have some time to myself. I still am scrambling to find good daycare. *sigh*
 
Things you may or may not know about me:
 
I hate cherries because their texture reminds me too much of olives, which I also hate.
 
Up until last week, I had never tried mango or any mango derivative. Last week I had some mango juice. It was yum.
 
Never tried avocado, either; no, not even in guacamole (spell that? guacamole? guacamoli? bah). I still haven't and probably won't for some time.
 
I am allergic to: blueberries, mustard, and marijuana.
 
I have a brother. He is 18 months younger than I am.
 
I owned the movie "The Shawshank Redemption" for TWO YEARS before cracking it open to watch it. And then it became a favorite.
 
I went to the island of Sao Miguel, Portugal when I was sixteen.
 
I love tomatoes. I will eat them like apples, given the chance.
 
I also love David Bowie.
 
That's all for now. Have a good day, folks.

Here is a snippet of my life.
 
the story. my daughter comes up to me a while back and says "i know a sekrit. a deliciously yummy sekrit. and i'm not tellin' nobody."
 
i say "not even me?"
 
she says "ok but just you!"
 
i say "well, what is it punkin?"
 
she looks around all conspiratorial-like, and then creeps up close and angelic whispers "i love you to the moon! and you are the bestest in the world!"
 
she told me this not minutes after i gave her crap for not cleaning up after herself.
 
the secret she taught me was the secret of unconditional love. that it does indeed exist in others, and it isn't just me. unconditional love is possible and you should settle for nothing less.
 
out of the mouths of babes...in any case, it isn't as big a deal as it seemed, not to anyone outside of myself. but the line struck a chord. Children open up your eyes in unfathomable ways. It is amazing.
 
When I think about what I did before kids, it feels both hollow and good. Good because I didn't know any better, hollow because now I know what I was missing.
 
Some (not all but SOME) single people hate to hear parents gush about kids. They can't comprehend it until they are in the moment.
 
Is that interesting enough, D? :P

Long week last week and longer weekend.
 
I got the job and all is well on that front except now I have to scramble to find reliable daycare.
 
And my boss is being nasty about it because she wasn't around when it all took place. WELL FUCK THAT she has no control over me or my life (and she HATES that, she is a total control freak).
 
In any case FUCK IT I didn't go looking for this behind anyone's back it dropped in my lap and I took the opportunity.
 
Haircut from HELL this weekend I ended up going home and crying and then cutting way more off to fix it. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
 
So yeah. I had more to say but I lost it. I'm going crazy I think.

So I got offered a job in a different department today. I would basically be doing customs stuff making sure things get across the border safely.
 
It would require 2 weeks of training in W. Dudes, that's a 3-4 hr drive away. So they will be paying for my accomodations &etc.
 
Except it means 2 weeks away from kids (excluding weekend).
 
At the same time, it means 2 weeks to myself!
 
But it means 2 weeks of an empty hotel bed.
 
But it means 2 weeks to myself!
 
Obviously, I have mixed feelings.
 
SO is being a bit of a doody-head about it. Oh well.