Fucked up Dream

Posted by Slowplum on 9/30/2003 06:23:00 AM
Holy cats batman. Time to stop eating... whatever it is that brings up dreams like this.

Ok. Details already getting fuzzy, but here is the gyst:

Peter Steele (you read that right) was there as this weird surreal guardian angel type who also solved mysteries in his spare time (talk about fucked up, imagine Peter Steele as Nancy Drew! hahahhaa) Anyway... we were in this house I didn't recognize playing pool or something else mundane and then it got all twisted and I was talking to an ex boyfriend and he was talking to me like we were still an item. For some reason my hair was also really short, I'm not sure why I dwelled on that bit of it, maybe time for a haircut? ha!

I know I keep digressing but it's sort of like catching wisps of spider web, it goes all over the place and I have to keep coming back to the center to make any sort of sense of it. Ok. So. I end up "breaking up" with him yet again and he's this huge mess of a person and starts going off about how he'll die if we break up or somesuch rot. Then Peter kicks him out with some weird superpower, he literally flies up in the air, hovers over him and KICKS him out of the house. Then a friend from work is there and for some reason we are in this room full of costumes and my friend and I are trying them on and laughing our heads off (no, not literally, har har) and then she goes to go to sleep.

But my ex comes up and sneaks into her room and tries to mount her!?! But for some reason I knew he was going to do that so I ended up barging in and catching him and throwing him across the room and then my friend wakes up from her sleep and panicked and had no clue what was going on. I explained it to her and she couldn't believe me so I showed her a piece of tissue that had semen on it and muttered something about the proof being in the pudding. Amusing! Then the Mr. Steele type dude comes in and makes peace between us all and then we are all in this one room, crowd of people resting on these really old marble stairs.

So my ex is sitting in the lap of this one person and he sees us and starts to get up to attempt some sort of communication with us but then suddenly lightning comes from the sky and hits him dead center in the chest. There's this huge hole in his chest and he is sitting there burbling blood out of his mouth and dying and I feel not one bit of remorse or pity or anything. I just keep staring at the hole and feeling anger towards him well up inside me. Then Peter tells me "he's dead, peach, let him go, you do not need his memory anymore" and we turn away from the corpse and that's all I am remembering now. Very bizarre.

Posted by Slowplum on 9/29/2003 06:49:00 AM
belated birthday hugs to [info]oh_chris, whom i forgot to call this year. it was also my [info]ducky537's birthday, whom i remembered to call this year. i can't win for losing.

lot happened over the weekend. but no time to tell it.

Posted by Slowplum on 9/25/2003 06:27:00 AM
I am now doing four jobs for the price of one.

Ridiculous. But true.

Please shoot me.

Posted by Slowplum on 9/23/2003 08:06:00 PM
I wasn't aware things could get any more stressful than they have been lately. Clearly I was mistaken.


So much going on lately. I think I may scream from it.

Posted by Slowplum on 9/20/2003 08:09:00 AM
Yesterday I processed FOUR HUNDRED invoices, twice the normal capacity, and the phone would not. stop. ringing. I felt like a fucking parrot. "Good [morning/afternoon], [company name]" over and over and over. Or people calling the switchboard from within the company because they are TOO LAZY TO LOOK A NUMBER UP IN THE DIRECTORY. It takes five seconds. Cripes. (I initially typed that as crepes. Mmmmm, crepes. I could go for some of those right now)

Anyway, so after stressful day at workplace, and feeling tired from coming home so late from school last night, I was in no mood for anything but a hot bath. But a hot bath was not to be had. I picked up the kids and realized we needed groceries so damn, to the grocery store we went, C whining the entire time because she wanted McDonald's, and I was having none of that nonsense today. I managed to settle her down by the time we got to the store. She was tired too as was K; none of us have been sleeping well lately. I don't know if it is that the kids sense the tension in me or if they are just tense themselves lately.

At the grocery store I managed to acquire their Halloween costumes; clearly this was the high point of my day! (Have I ever mentioned how very much I love Halloween? Always have)

I asked K what he wanted to be and his answer was a cheerful "KANGAROO, MOM!" I panicked a little, because what are the chances of there being a freaking kangaroo costume there, right? Well! Lo and behold, there was! With a baby kangaroo in the pouch and everything. K's latest obsession with kangaroos stems from that movie, Kangaroo Jack, which we have now watched at least eleventy billion times. C found a Bratz costume that allowed her to dress up like an angel, but a funky sort of angel. I dunno. It looks neat. Costumes in tow, I pulled them through the grocery store and got our necessities.

Two hundred dollars later (isn't the cost of produce such a killer? It costs a bank to eat healthy. Shameful!) we get out of the grocery store in one piece only to have C crying because I didn't buy her a toy, well let me tell you I snapped! I normally am pretty patient with my kids but that was enough. I refuse to have her growing up thinking she can get what she wants when she wants just because she wants it. And I told her exactly that. We got home and I packed their costumes away (which resulted in their both crying because they wanted to wear them...RIGHT NOW MOM) and got them their supper.

It is an amazing feature some moms have, drowning out their kids' tired noises. I wish I knew the switch that turns it all off. I don't. There is this very poignant speech that Michelle Pfeiffer's character Rita in the movie Sam I Am makes, about how utterly frustrating it is sometimes to be a parent, how some days you wake up and you feel like you've already failed, before you even make it out the door. I cry every time I hear this speech because, as a parent, I know, I know EXACTLY what she is saying, and I defy any parent not to have felt it before, that awful feeling like you are a complete and total failure.

It's funny, on the weekend, when I was visiting with some cousins/my aunt NP, my aunt massaged my hand and she was freaked out at how tense it was. It actually hurt me to have her massage it. My back was rock-hard. I am so high strung. Most of it is from work. I had an interesting conversation with my cousin V in which I asked (rather rhetorically) why I always do this to myself, this overbooking of myself so that I don't know up from down anymore, my hours so completely packed full that I am a mess and am hard-pressed to find breathing room. She said (tongue planted firmly in cheek) that I (and she for that matter) thrive on that sort of thing. If we didn't do it, our bodies, minds, would completely break down.

And the scary thing is, she is absolutely right.

So how do I stop it? Because it feels like if I keep doing this, I am going to break down completely regardless of it.

I'm just hitting on the tip of a rather large ice berg. But I'm too tired to spell it all out. Nothing more to see here folks.

Posted by Slowplum on 9/19/2003 06:53:00 AM
between work and getting sick (really, really sick) and school (yes! school!) i have been so completely worn out that i don't know what to do.

i miss people.

i'm a mess.

had huge long conversation with SO that was maybe good, maybe bad, i don't really know where it was going but at the end of it we were both pretty worn out.

i'm tired, it's time to go to work. i'm going to snap soon from the pressure. oh well. it's a job, it's a job, it's a job, and who cares about the fact that i am filling up my hours with this bullcrap.

Posted by Slowplum on 9/12/2003 09:56:00 PM
hands gripped to the wheel held too tight to feel
face pressed to the glass please don't ask
one more breath now one more
it's alright
i could never give enough have enough be enough
you could never stand to stay there

Posted by Slowplum on 9/12/2003 05:43:00 PM
Johnny AND John...

what IS it with all these people dying? Do they know something we don't? Is it time to jump ship?

Posted by Slowplum on 9/11/2003 09:03:00 PM
You know that episode of the Twighlight Zone, where that lady has a medallion that gives her the power to stop everything in its tracks when she says "shut up"?

...I kind of wish I had that today.

Posted by Slowplum on 9/11/2003 06:59:00 AM
What is the funniest thing you've done to impress someone?

Posted by Slowplum on 9/10/2003 05:56:00 PM

...bad day.

I tried to forget but I couldn't. It might explain the strange dream too. :\

Posted by Slowplum on 9/10/2003 10:05:00 AM
We passed upon the stair, we spoke of was and when
Although I wasn't there, he said I was his friend
Which came as some surprise I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone, a long long time ago

Posted by Slowplum on 9/10/2003 06:27:00 AM
I just had a really messed up dream about SO dying in an explosion at work. Except he was at a building in Germany at the time. And I didn't find out about it until 3 days after, when they'd already buried him.

I spent most of the dream between almost exploding myself with grief, and then beating things up in anger. Yeah.

Then it twisted into this messed up conspiracy where someone specifically wanted him to die and I had to figure out who and nobody was willing to help me, I can't explain a lot of it because it's all messed up in my head now.

It was one of those dreams where you are participating in your body instead of being quiet observer, if that makes any sense. While that made it seem more real to me, it also made it seem a little surreal.

Near the end I was pushed off a building and caught up by a beam of light that brought me back to the top again, and then the beam turned into SO, and I woke up crying.

Yeah I don't know either. Maybe it's because I'm fighting off sickness.


yoinked from freyja...

Posted by Slowplum on 9/06/2003 09:07:00 AM
(Soundtrack for my life meme)

Still working on it...

01. opening credits: Blind Melon - Change
02. waking up scene: Cowboy Junkies - Sun Comes Up, It's Tuesday Morning
03. average day scene: The Shins - Pressed in a Book
04. first kiss scene: Songs: Ohia - Tigress
05. first date scene: The Strokes - Barely Legal
06. fight with a friend scene: A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras
07. break-up scene: The Cardigans - Erase/Rewind
08. get back together scene: Rolling Stones - Under My Thumb
09. fight at home scene: Local H - Bound for the Floor
10. depressing scene: VNV Nation - Forsaken (vocal version)
11. life's ok scene: Syd Barret - Effervescing Elephant
12. heartbreak scene: Rilo Kiley - Bulletproof
13. love scene: Depeche Mode - Never Let Me Down Again
14. mental breakdown scene: Joydrop - Sometimes Wanna Die
15. driving scene: Depeche Mode - Behind the Wheel
16. lesson learning scene: Red House Painters - Have You Forgotten
17. deep thought scene: Leonard Cohen - Famous Blue Raincoat
18. flash-back scene: Massive Attack - Black Milk
19. party scene: Marvin Gaye - Got To Give It Up
20. happy/crazy dance scene: Harry Nilsson - Coconut
21. night driving scene: REM - Half A World Away
22. regret scene: Tool - Opiate
23. long night alone scene: Frank Black & The Catholics - 85 Weeks
24. death scene: Counting Crows - Round Here
25. closing credits: Jeff Buckley - Corpus Christi Carol

..and now you can commence laughing at me. ;p Meh. I'd probably think of a better list if I gave it more thought. But that's what came to mind with the themes...



Posted by Slowplum on 9/04/2003 05:14:00 PM

I totally had a horrid day until I got home and there was a card on my door telling me a florist had come by, but I wasn't home yet...

...well! The florist is in a town 45 minutes away :/ so I called them up and they said they'd send it to my workplace tomorrow, but NO NEED, for my neighbor picked them up for me and there was soon a knock on my door after I got in to give them to me.

GORGEOUS FLOWERS and all my favorite kinds!

And of course you all are curious to know whom would be so kind as to brighten my day, and some of you may be shocked to hear... it was...


So thank you. And you were right, I needed that. :)


addendum: the vase was cool and had two lemons (yes real lemons) floating in them, adding extra rays of sunshine! huzzah!


misguided grief

Posted by Slowplum on 9/03/2003 08:23:00 PM
had a bad day again
she said I would not understand
she left a note
and said "i'm sorry, i
had a bad day again"

i'm feeling icky and bleh. kevin has an earache, poor little bug. celeste is moody from either lack of sleep or too much stuff going on during the weekend. she goes to school september 13th. she can't wait!

She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace
Smeared the lipstick on her face
Slammed the door and said i'm sorry i
Had a bad day again

dude, that is totally me today, right down to the fucking shoelace.

ok i'm going to go cry or whatever it is girls do when they're upset and have nowhere to release it all. maybe i'm still hurting from this grandfather dying business. i don't know.

...is it so wrong to cry?

(it feels like it is wrong)

and all that's going on in my head is

(i loved you i hated you i love you i hate you god damn you you left you fucking bastard and you left us all and you left us all and you left us all you fucker)

this isn't healthy. i need a nap.

Posted by Slowplum on 9/03/2003 07:02:00 AM
as if.

Posted by Slowplum on 9/03/2003 06:43:00 AM
So tonight I have to host the discussion for the recent book our book-reading group is doing because I chose the last one we read. After reading a series of really crappy books I decided I didn't want to waste my summer reading something I didn't want to so I decided to inflict "Bridget Jones' Diary" on the poor souls. Since I'd already read it, it gave me 6 weeks of freedom from the group (we do a new book every 6 wks, names are drawn to see who picks the book at the meeting, ble ble ble)

So anyway, I decided to have fun with this, so I made little Bridget jones diaries, by writing out snippets of funny bits from the book on word and cutting them out and pasting them on random pages in blank diaries I bought at the dollar store. Crafty am I, huzzah! Then I'm going to quiz them on it to see if they really read it or just cheated and watched the movie, in which case they'll FAIL and not receive FABULOUS PRIZES from me. hahah. I will also be serving wine and chocolates, you know, going by the theme and all.

Yes. I was bored. Leave me be.

Time to go back to work. Blah. I don't wanna.


I love this guy.

Posted by Slowplum on 9/02/2003 08:14:00 PM

Posted by Slowplum on 9/02/2003 07:00:00 PM
quite result
Quiet Girl

What kind of little girl were YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla

Posted by Slowplum on 9/02/2003 07:06:00 AM
my baby brudda moved into an apartment with his girlfriend yesterday. these times, they are a-changin... it makes me a little weepy to think about it.

which is silly, really, he's 26 this year. bah. i can't make y'all understand. he understands though.

family is pretty important to me, and my brother is one of my closest friends. likely because we moved around so much as kids, we only had each other as a stable, constant friend. the only one in my family who might be closer would be my cousin v.

i don't really know why i'm talking about this.

i feel sleepy.

c goes back to school today.

i need toast. and a hug. hugtoast!

Posted by Slowplum on 9/01/2003 08:45:00 PM
ahhh! now i have a split on my bottom lip, i'm not sure how, i smacked into a wall so maybe it's from that. yeah. i was tired, it was middle of night, i couldn't see. ok? it could have happened to anyone, i tells ya! this top/bottom lip thing is making eating fun, i can tell you that. grumblefuck.

C goes to school tomorrow and has been making up every excuse in the book to stay up because she is wayyyy too excited to sleep. but she needs her rest.

buying K his own knapsack even though he isn't going to school payed off as well. he was pretty damn proud of it, carrying it on his back around the house while c and i made her lunch for tomorrow.

there's a kid in her class deathly allergic to nuts, and another kid deathly allergic to eggs and milk products. guess how fun it was to figure out what to pack? yeah. Well. her teacher this year was actually pretty cool about that, sent us a list of do's and don'ts. did you know fruit roll-ups contain traces of peanuts? yeah.

anyway. tune in next time for yet another episode of MY BORING LIFE. maybe i'll have another disastrous day, i'm about due...

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