I'm wearing the same grin, I take it all on the chin
I still believe everything that I read
and sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's harder
sometimes it's on sale, sometimes it never fails
I have a psychic and she says I'm lonely
she says my destiny is turning out all wrong
so now I just sit here and think of meaningful things to say

Having man troubles. Oi.
 
I would like someone to explain to me why it is that when one gets married, suddenly communication goes out the window and you just end up shutting up instead of saying whatever the fuck it is that is eating at you?

I am honest enough to say that sometimes I do it too. But not near as often as he does. I will tell him if i am sad/mad/glad/whatever about whatever but he does not and I don't know why this is. We used to talk about everything and now we talk about the nothing things. You know, work kids bills groceries. There is more to me than this.

Symbolistic white walls surround me and you
every single day I am cheap and see through

And it is crushing my spirit to see myself being cut off at the knees whenever I ask him why he is so grumpy all the time and why I feel like I am walking on eggshells around him now. I am afraid to speak my mind because I don't want to bother him, he seems so depressed and he isn't telling me why. I can only speculate and if anyone reading this really knows me they know that sometimes my speculations can be dangerous because they go places that they shouldn't go and it causes me to be more upset.

I just don't know what to do anymore.
 

It's all right now

take the world and make it yours again 
 

this whole getting up at 5 am thing is for the birds. i used to be up for hours by this point. but not anymore. stupid #$*&#*$& pills.

I am SO glad the xmas crap is over. Feh! 5 freakin' christmases later and my house is a freakin' tornado of toys and socks and whatever the hell else the critters got. they got so much stuff i don't even recognize half of it nevermind who it came from. yowsa. recession my ass.

i have to work tomorrow from 6 am to 4 pm. hoo-fucking-rah! *grumblefuck*

i am in a pissy mood mainly because all i wanted for christmas was a little peace and quiet and i got ZERO. bah!

my friend J finally proposed to E today. they've been together for 9-1/2 years. whooboy. took em long enough!

had dinner at the in-laws' today. after cooking 7-1/2 trays of meatballs for the sweet n' sour sauce for the in-laws' xmas extravaganza on the 26th. yay!

anyhow. i'm too tired to type more. bleh.

so yesterday was the first of a series of christmas gatherings. i did not have much in the way of actual fun because i was tired and head hurty and chasing my little boy who was overtired from missing his nap. gah! SO had fun tho he even stayed after i took the kids home. so this is a good thing because sometimes i think he is too serious for his own good.

today i go to his mom's to help her with some christmas cooking and tomorrow morning i go out with dad to buy mom's stocking stuffers and tomorrow night i go to their house for a quiet gathering. man oh man.

My therapist said not to see you no more
She said you're like a disease without any cure
She said I'm so obsessed that I'm becoming a bore, oh no
Ah, you think you're so pretty

ack. i am not looking forward to christmas this year. it just gets to be more of a hassle and less fun every year. i keep trying to convince my hubby that we should just stay the hell home, but noooooo, we should do *family* stuff. bah! bah,i say!

tomorrow we go to my parents' home for my mom's side's family christmas.

on sunday i go to his mom's house to prepare sweet n' sour meatballs for their gathering on the 26th.

on the 24th (monday) we go to my parents' home again for my dad's side (sorta, but mainly just them and a few others.

on the 25th (tuesday) we stay at home in the am and then go to his parents' home in the pm for christmas.

on the 26th is his dad's side's xmas so we go to his uncle's home.

on the 27th was his mom's side's xmas but i got out of it to...yup! WORK. 6 am to 4 pm. woo!

on the 28th i work 6 am to 4 pm again.

on the 29th and 30th, i finally get to rest.

on the 31st (new years eve, y'all) i work 6 am to noon.

bleh. i wanna be a kid again!

pills suck, head hurts, gah. i'm editing this entry twenty bazillion times. yay me!

this whole test thing is getting out of hand. i already ranted about it a few days ago tho. so. i am feeling sleepy STILL. i hate pills. hate hate hate.

SO asked me waht i want for christmas today. i told him nothing. he didn't like the answer but as a matter of fact it is truth. i care not for material things, i have him, i have my kids, i have my friends and family...what more could i want? (aside from a better health portfolio, but we're workin on that).
 
i told him if he really wanted to get me something special that i would absolutely love, get us a few hours alone together. not for anything specific. just time. alone. together.

twenty bucks says he buys me something. because that is easier.

MEN!

It's SNOWING again. We are getting A WHOLE TEN CENTIMETRES TONIGHT. CHRISTMAS IS ALMOST HERE BABY!

The kids are getting antsy about Christmas, but they are behaving (that whole "ack you mean Santa KNOWS when I'm hitting my sibling over the head with a toy truck?" thing). I am feeling blase about it, which is kind of sad.

The medication I am on for the stupid tumor is hopefully working, but the medication to treat my headaches isn't so hot. It makes me groggy and morose. Blah. I HATE PILLS.

On the bright side, M SENT ME JAFFA CAKES! Hooray!

On to the testity test test test....

it snowed the other night but now it is almost all melted away, they are predicting more snow on saturday but i doubt it. this all follows my theory that the seasons are shifting on us. soon we shall have christmas in autumn. which might be nice because i LOVE autumn.

i wrapped all the presents we got for our kids last night. whooboy it can be tiring. they get way too much stuff because there's stuff from "santa" from us from my parents from his parents...man! if i had even 1/2 as much of what my kids have now at their age...

wow. that made me feel really...old.

My grandmother was in a serious car accident yesterday. She is 66. She is very active and looks 20 years younger than she is. She was driving to church when a van driven by a 17 yr old girl and full of kids smashed into her. Totalled her little car. Smashed her up good as well. Her knee is applesauce right now and she is in a great deal of pain. My mom has been staying at her place taking care of her because she refuses to stay in a hospital.

My mom called me last night to tell me. She sounded tired and sad. I was of course shocked. When I found out she was thankfully alive but not so thankfully injured, I was sad and confused. I didn't even bother asking about the car full of kids. I didn't care about them. I wanted to be sure that my grandma was ok. This woman, this remarkable woman that so many people take for granted. I entertained the idea of her not being around anymore and of course was reduced to tears. I couldn't handle it.

Our family Christmas for my mom's side is taking place on the 22nd. I am hoping grandma will feel up to it. I am praying she heals fast...but I know she will not. She has always had problems with her knees. The hospital sent home a walker for her. For my grandmother, the lady who is more active than most 20 yr olds I know! She is a proud woman, this must have devestated her.
Here is the sad part. No snow in our town right now. Dry road. The van was to blame. How? I don't know, I didn't press for details last night. But I am sad. I am angry. I feel drained from it. I hope they are all ok. At the same time the small part inside of me, the part that is mean and evil, hopes the driver rots for this. Silly but true.

Anyway. I'm sad. I'm tired. I think I'm catching the flu my husband has had for the past week or so. I just wanted to write this all down. You know. Real life. Not quizzes. Not quizzes about quizzes. No hiding behind silent walls of "friends only" locks. Here is my life. Be nice to it. It's a bit bruised right now.

It's my bruddah's birthday today. He is a whole 24 years old! Yowch. Tempis fugit.
Went out krimmis shopping this weekend, how painful. It was disturbing and depressing because every store we went to seemed to be filled with utter crap. Half the stuff I don't see how kids would take any joy in them. I yearn for simpler days. And I'm only 25. How pathetic is that?

We've had our tree up for a few weeks now. My daughter is Christmas hungry and has been asking for Santa since August. She is only 3. Imagine how she will be in upcoming years? Right now I enjoy the fact because she isn't after the toys she just loves to see the decorations up and to do fun things like bake our own ornaments and whatnot. I'm no 50's cookies mom but sometimes I can be crafty. This is one of those times.

I long for snow (I must be crazy for saying that but I do!) and snow isn't coming. People are predicting a mild winter. I just think the seasons are shifting more and more every year. So in essence in the future Christmas will be celebrated in autumn.

My I am long-winded today. I shall stop for now.

ended up that SO came home early from work, what a pleasant surprise! we went out to london to see shallow hal and eat at the keg (here's the part where my vegan friends cringe and gnash their teeth) mmmm teriyaki steak blue rare anyhow SO had never been to one before and he was quite impressed.
 
shallow hal was actually quite good. i mainly wanted to see it because i have a thing about jack black (what can i say i have a soft spot for funny guys) and also to see how they managed to take gwyneth paltrow and turn her into a 300 lb woman. but they did it and did it in style i might add. the movie has a good ending so all is well. but it surely makes you think about how much weight (no pun intended) is put upon looks.
 
anyhow. off to find another test, you know how i am about these things...

Sleepy. New pills make me so very sleepy. Blah. But they arehelping. I think? I nunno. Internist flaked out on me so I have to go back on Wednesday afternoon. Fuck.
 
Applied for some new jobs (talk about proactive! Yay me!) and hopefully will see some feedback. Wish me luck.

so i had to reschedule my appointment with the internist because he was running 2 hrs behind.
 
ARGH! oh well. c'est la guerre.
 
i'm tired and my kids are away so i am going to take a nice long bath. yay solitude! i bask in it because i get it so very little.

neurologist gave me pills. all is well so far. we shall see what the internist says on friday.

Had to work today and train. WHich was depressing because it was "career path training" and only accentuated the fact that i really, really hate my job.
 
Too tired to write much more, i've been sick all week and headachy. i fucked my knee up royally somehow when i was sleeping last night. i am always doing that, i don't know how but i wake up bruised and broken. it isn't a being abused in my sleep thing it is just the way i am. always have been this way. hmm.
 
i have to work tomorrow again BUT i get sunday off, yay!my sister-in-law had her commencement today i was supposed to go but my parents flaked out on watching the kids so i couldn't oh well hopefully the sisinlaw fogives me
 
ok i am speelling way too badly a sure sign i need rest and meds so bubye nice ladies and gents xoxo me

Blah.
 
Long, long weekend.
 
Work work work is my weekend theme song.
 
Still adjusting to the very blackness of my hair, hasn't been this way since high school, oy!
 
No test yet today but I may do one later and update. Feeling too blah to bother.
 
Go to see a neurologist on the 27th and then an internist on the 30th. Wish me luck.

Finally dyed things. And my hair? Well get this, the BOX said "Natural Deep Brown". Guess what color it is? CAT BLACK! Yes! Talk about fucky! S's was "Plum Black" or somesuch, but it came out much lighter than mine. Hee. Oh, how cruel the hands of fate are! I look so...so...GAWTH!
 
Ok me go now, wake up hubby and give him coffee like a good wifey.

Tired.

My daughter's fever broke last night tho, woo! I hate it when my kids are sick I feel so helpless because there is only so much I can do for them and they are like limp little noodles :/

Found the downside to my haircut this morning: WICKED BEDHEAD. But it is also an upside, because sometimes bedhead can be cute/sexy. I love bedhead on men sometimes it is hilarious and makes me want to pounce. S'true. My hubby almost never has it but when he does WATCH OUT. hee.

In other news, had a weird conversation about Tom Jones and head panties with J last night and then another weird conversation about invisible socks with B. I'm not one to convince myself that these were profound conversations. Rather I enjoyed them because of their silliness. There is altogether too little silliness in this world, it's nice when it comes unannounced.

As mentioned before S never came over last night but that is good as I was exhausted and taking care of my daughter anyway. We are making plans to make plans to get together and dye like there is no tomorrow.

Wednesday is fish day at the Elizabethan, so we will definitely hook up there. I love their haddock. Every Wednesday it's the same thing, "Wanna do lunch?" "Ok, where should we go?" "The Queens?" "Ha! No. How about the Elizabethan? It's fish day..." "Woo!"

I'm serious. We have tried to go other places, but why? They tend to mess up food too often and this place has NEVER given us bad lunch. So there! I am not always a creature of habit but this, this is RITUAL.

Now that I have assured you I am certifiably crazy, on to tests! I take at least one online test a day, because I am such a sucker for em. If you have a cool one to go to contact me. I will post any and all results in here.

For other test junkies, try All The Tests DOT com. Yum.

Test of the Day:

Find Your Star Wars Twin

OPENNESS:High scorers tend to be original, creative, curious, complex; Low scorers tend to be conventional, down to earth, narrow interests, uncreative. You: very high (88 percentile)Yoda -- This wise, philosophical, and thoughtful Jedi master challenges the establishment, encouraging his pupils to unlearn what they have learned and see the world in novel, creative ways.

CONSCIENTIOUS:High scorers tend to be reliable, well-organized, self-disciplined, careful; Low scorers tend to be disorganized, undependable, negligent. You: neither high nor low (47 percentile)Grand Moff Tarkin -- Is in the middle of conscientiousness because although he is usually a highly organized leader with a keen eye for detail, he occasionally misses a small but crucial detail (e.g., vulnerable exhaust ports on death stars).

EXTRAVERSION:High scorers tend to be sociable, friendly, fun loving, talkative; Low scorers tend to be introverted, reserved, inhibited, quiet. You: neither high nor low (53 percentile)Ewoks -- A species with extraverted and introverted tendencies. On one hand they are a shy, timid, and reclusive species. On the other hand, they are very sociable, living in groups, placing great emphasis of interpersonal relations.

AGREEABLENESS:High scorers tend to be good natured, sympathetic, forgiving, courteous; Low scorers tend to be critical, rude, harsh, callous. You: neither high nor low (50 percentile)Darth vader/Anakin Skywalker -- This character truly belongs in the middle of the agreeableness dimension, representing both good and evil. On one hand a kind and warm, on the other hand, evil & ruthless.

NEUROTICISM:High scorers tend to be nervous, high-strung, insecure, worrying; Low scorers tend to be calm, relaxed, secure, hardy. You: high (76 percentile)C-3P0 -- This fussy droid is generally anxious and nervous with a constitution that often seems unsuitable for the danger in which it finds itself.

Interesting.

They all said we'd never get together
Darling, let's take a bow
For ho, ho, ho!
Who's got the last laugh?
Hee, hee, hee!
Let's at the past laugh
Ha, ha, ha!
Who's got the last laugh now?"
Charlie Biddle Trio, They All Laughed

I cut my hair today. LOTS. It was just about mid-back level. It is now all chunks and layers not lower than my chin. I like it. A lot.

So on top of cutting my hair today I am going to be dying it with my dear buddy S. It is a ritual we go through every once in a while. Just get together and color our hair and do girlie type things that we normally abhor. Feminity is not our forte by far but man can we color! ;) Actually, nix that because she found her cat today...it was ummm not very alive? Yeah. I feel horrible because I didn't quite hear her when she told me on the phone, so I kept calling her a slacker for skipping school, meanwhile she is mumbling about a dead cat? I'm such a heartless bitch, is what you may be thinking, when really, I'm not. I'm just DEAF.
So, sorry S, we'll get together another day and destroy our follicles and bitch about men.

I am totally enamored with my hair now, it is such a free feeling. My bruddah R likes it. Which is odd because he normally thinks anything I wear or do is weirdness itself. (From him this is a sort of compliment, or at least I take it this way. In the past it bothered me to no end; this, I suppose, is the nature of siblings. Your focus shifts as you grow and you see through the bullshit to realize what was really being said/done.)

I rented a bunch of movies for my daughter, who has the flu; we've been watching Shrek and then another movie and then Shrek and then another movie, lather rinse repeat. It's still funny after the 2 bazillionth viewing, which is rare for a movie. It's the little things that you pick up that you may have missed before. I like subtlety.

As for good old Biddle, shame on you if you haven't heard of him! Go! Find him! Love him! He is *the* father of the Montreal Jazz scene!

Awright. I go now.

Fighting soldiers from the sky,
Fearless men who jump and die,
Men who mean just what they say
The brave men of the Green Beret.
Silver wings upon their chests,
These are men, America's best,
One hundred men we'll test today,
But only three win the Green Beret.

Trained to live off nature's land,
Trained in combat, hand to hand,
Men who fight by night and day,
Courage take from the Green Beret.

Silver wings upon their chests,
These are men, America's best,
Men who mean just what they say,
The brave men of the Green Beret.

Back at home a young wife waits,
Her Green Beret has met his fate,
He has died for those oppressed,
Leaving her this last request:

Put silver wings on my son's chest,
Make him one of America's best,
He'll be a man they'll test one day,
Have him win the Green Beret.
Staff Sgt. Barry Sadler - Ballad of the Green Berets

I never thought I'd live in a time where war would become common talk around the dinner table and innocents would die so quickly. I never thought I'd live in fear of my children's future. I am arrogant, I guess. This is a hard day for me to begin with. So many bad things have happened on this day. But some good things, too. I am confused. I am tired. I am REALLY not wanting to go to work. *sigh*

Take me back to the land of kids.

Who am I wearing my poppy for? Too many people.

Hey little sister what have you done
Hey little sister who's the only one
Hey little sister who's your superman
Hey little sister who's the one you want
Hey little sister shotgun

It's a nice day to start again
It's a nice day for a white wedding
It's a nice day to start again
Billy Idol, White Wedding

Soooo

Today my friend T asked me to be her matron of honor! I am so very touched and honored that she asked and of course I said I would be.

I have to work again at 3 am tonight I am hating my job but what else is new.

I am so tired. I must sleep.

I I I ME ME ME always about me, what a selfish creature I am! What about you??? Tell me about you!

This about says it all.

Please die Ana
For as long as you're here we're not
You make the sound of laughter
And sharpened nails seem softer

And I need you now somehow
And I need you now somehow
SilverChair, Ana's Song (Open Fire)

Humdrum life lately, been sick sick sickety sick sick.

Been thinking of things that always crop up this time of year.

At least it's predictable.

Watched this weekend:

High Fidelity
Dogma
Conan the Barbarian

I thoroughly enjoyed, for the umpteenth viewing. I like to rewatch movies, you catch things the next time around you didn't the time before.

I also frivolously got my nails done today, because I am oh-so-shallow betimes. They look pretty. Pretty pretty.

Sometimes it is nice to do something for yourself.

When I was younger I suffered from bulimia and then later anorexia nervosa. The thing with eating disorders is that they are truly illnesses. They don't just go away and it is easy to get sick again. I am trying not to. But sometimes I just...

Because we all LOVE name genorators!

Mister T Name Generator My name is "Fool"

Oz Prison Bitch Name Generator My name is "Sweet Lips"

Superhero/Villain Generator
Psychicj@k (Psychic-j@k)
Power(s): Juggling
Source of powers: Extra-terrestrial chemical mutant
Weapon: Psychic Tentacles
Transportation: Skatesj@k

Fantasy Name Generator My name is: "Galovia"

Hobbit Name Generator My name is: "Sweetpea Hamwich of Buckleberry Fern"

African Name Generator My name is "Zaghawa"

US Name Generator My name is "Valerie Shelton"

Evangelist Name Generator My name is "Pastor S. Rich Winkey, II"

Jedi Name Generator "You are MCEGR SOSTR of the planet Toradol!"

Rock Star Name Generator
My Alternative name is: Lush Van Ripp
My Blues name is: Bertha Earl Hatters
My Classical name is Vee Ola
My Country name is Reanne Limes
My Electronic name is Deep House Debbie
My Hip Hop name is Shady Lady
My Jazz name is Trudy Roof
My Metal name is Angel Morose
My Pop Rock name is Katie Racket
My World Music name is Ital Misty

White Lesbian Name Generator I'm "Powerful WilyCrone"

I am a testaholic.

What kind of Gorrila are you? - I am most like Ivan.

Do You Make Enough Time For Yourself? - I am Striving for Balance.

What's Keeping You Awake? - My list included Sleep Apnea, Insomnia, Narcolepsy, Periodic Limb Movement Disorder, and Restless Legs Syndrome. The narcolepsy bit surprises me completely, the others not so much.

The College Personality Quiz
- Learning style: You scored in between
- College orientation: General education
- Academic/social balance: Balanced
- Affection for knowledge: Strong
- Basic academic skills: Solid
- Social Consciousness: Individually focused
- Independence: Self-sufficient
- Self-understanding: Less aware
- School enthusiasm: You scored in between
- Eagerness for college: Eager
(I am wondering what my score on this would be several years ago when I was on the brink of going. Hmm.)

Enough for now. More later. Ta.

A friend in need's a friend indeed
A friend with weed is better
A friend with breasts and all the rest
A friend who’s dressed in leather

A friend in need's a friend indeed
A friend who’ll tease is better
Our thoughts compressed
Which makes us blessed
And makes for stormy weather
Placebo, Pure Morning

Please pity me. My rockstar boyfriend is Brian Molko.

I worked from 3 am to 3:30 pm last Saturday, and get to work 7 am to 7 pm last Sunday. I haven't slept much the past while. It is taking its toll. This weekend I work Midnight Friday to noon Saturday, and 11 am Sunday morning to 11 pm. In between I go out with my sister in law for her birthday. Weeeeee

Somebody shoot me.

He lay back in the long dark grass and closed his eyes. It was getting colder. Winter is coming, the breeze around him seemed to whisper.

He was still and silent, thinking about things, mostly worrying. Footfalls on the soft green carpet. He sensed someone near. His eyes remained closed. He didn't need to look. He knew who it was. The presence spoke.

Darling...the voice trembled. From the cold, or distress? Probably both. What are you doing?

Breathing deeply, in and out. Counting the stars he still saw with closed eyes.

Darling? Inquisitive. Perhaps pleading? Yes, he recognized the tone. The presence crouched nearer. Are you ok? These things that I am fighting, that I am worrying over...in the grand scheme...they are nothing. Don't fret about it. Okay? Please.

Soft sigh. He willed his patience to stick around a little longer. Eyes opened and stared into the night sky. Stars were falling. He was falling. Into what? He didn't know. Change of focus. There she was, to the right of him. He stared back up into the sky. The occasional star was still falling.

She looked up as well, and spoke again. You see the stars? The universe out there is so very vast. Our troubles are minute. We are but specks of sand.

He paused. Not so. Not so at all. They are just...different. To something yet bigger, the stars themselves are specks.

Her turn to sigh. She lay down too, not touching him, just near. The two stared up into the dark blue forever, stars punching holes into the sky, letting in light. Sparkling. Some still falling, going out. Winking at them. A few minutes of silence, and then...

You see them falling? From his peripheral vision he noted her nodding, yes. If I am right, if those stars are specks to something greater...if even those amazing stars can burn out...

She held her breath and waited. He slowly sat up, still looking at the sky. He cleared his throat. We are all shining and important to someone. We are not so insignificant as you say. We matter. We all shine in different ways. And some of us...tire of that shining. We burn out. We fall.

She too sat up now, concerned. Darling, I --

He held up his hand, motioning for her to be silent. We count. Even if only to the specks of dust that see us as the vast universe. We are significant. He stood up. He paused, ran a hand through his hair. He looked up again, gesturing at the sky. These stars...they have a universe of darkness to fight against. Yet they still shine on. Even as they fall, they burn bright to the very last. We should do well to take our lesson from the stars.

He turned to her. She was staring at nothing, listening intently. His voice softened a little. These worries of yours, these trials you must overcome - they are significant. They matter. They are like the darkness we each fight against, every day. We shine on, regardless. It is just a matter of choosing how long we wish to give out light. He focused on her. She was looking up at him, overwhelmed. His voice lowered to almost a whisper.

If even things as amazing as stars burn out sometimes, is it any surprise that we can, too? And you wonder why I worry about you. You are no less important than the stars. You dazzle so many people, and yet you shine on, oblivious. Just like a star. So if you were to burn out...it would matter. You are important. You are so much more important than you realize. We all are.

She stared at him in quiet awe. He was right. And then, she smiled, and bravely chose to shine on.


------------

This story is fiction. This story is also true. No matter how insignificant we may feel, we affect a multitude of things and people in so many ways. Nothing is trivial. We are important. We are loved.

We matter.

We will match your capacity to inflict suffering with our capacity to endure suffering. We will meet your physical force with Soul Force. We will not hate you, but we cannot in all good conscience obey your unjust laws. But we will soon wear you down with our capacity to suffer. And in winning our freedom we will so appeal to your heart and conscience that we will win yours in the process.
-Martin Luther King, Jr

I weep for America. I weep for Afghanistan. Innocent lives are in the balance here. I hope our leaders choose wisely. No more blood. An eye for an eye is NOT a good motto.

I just want to feel safe in my own skin,
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world

But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore

On a different day,
If I was safe in my own skin,
Then I wouldn't be lost and so frightened
But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin

And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
Dido, Honestly OK

i can't let you be
cause your beauty won't allow me
wrapped in white sheets
like an angel from a bedtime story
shut out what they say
cause your friends are fucked up anyway
and when they come around
somehow they feel up and you feel down

when we were kids
we hated things our parents did
we listened low
to casey kasem's radio show
that's when friends were nice
to think of them just makes you feel nice
the smell of grass in spring
and october leaves cover everything

have you forgotten how to love yourself?

i can't believe all the good things that you do for me
sat back in a chair
like a princess from a faraway place
nobody's nice
when you're older your heart turns to ice
and shut out what they say
they're too dumb to mean it anyway

when we were kids
we hated things our sisters did
backyard summer pools
and christmases were beautiful
and the sentiment
of coloured mirrored ornaments
and the open drapes
look out on frozen farmhouse landscapes

have you forgotten how to love yourself?
Red House Painters, Have You Forgotten?

Sometimes I ache and ache for no reason at all.

I think I need a vacation.

 do you have an opinion?
a mind of your own?
i thought you were special
i thought you should know
but i've run out of patience
i couldn't care less
Garbage, Special

I was Shirley Manson in a past life. I bet you are all jealous.

[refer to song quote below. nyah.]

Same day, much much later.

I HOPE YOU GUYS ARE HAPPY.

I'ma go to bed now.

dont' get your back up over this
if i'm so wrong and you're so right
you really got your mind made up i guess
won't you let me get some sleep tonight?
Sarah Harmer, Don't Get Your Back Up

I've been getting flack from both S and M to "freakin update the page already!" So I am going to do so. Today. I PROMISE.

ciao

[no lyrics today. i'm too moody.]


Went to African Lion Safari yesterday. Woo!

Stay tuned!

My speech went rather well the other day, people liked it very much and I got a good review from the person who had to evaluate me. Except that I didn't get many grow points; I don't know if it is because they were too busy listening to me or because they honestly believe I have nowhere to grow. I of course found a million things I did wrong, but oh well.

To elaborate on the safari excursion: This week was my hubby's vacation, I finally kicked his ass in gear and we were off to the African Lion Safari. The whole way there my daughter was singing her lungs off while my son snoozed away. We got there and she took a bit of a pout because we wanted to eat first but then she was good to go when my hubby threatened to take us all back home again. Haha. So we get some food and then go and watch the elephants swim in the water for a while. My daughter thought that was the greatest thing since sliced bread. The only way we could convince her to leave was with the promise of tigers. So we get in the car and follow many other cars into the reserve. First stop a bunch of birds. None of us were altogether too impressed so we moved quickly along to the next stop: lions! These things are HUGE! I swear they must tranquilize them or something, because they were so...docile. Next on the road was tigers, which were kept at bay by two big trucks. They really wanted to roam but the safari people wouldn't let them. Bla bla we see a bunch more animals, all in all pretty cool. But halfway through the tour, the A/C in our car decides to die a slow and deliberate death. Oh, the horror! Meanwhile a car in front of us has their windows DOWN and smoking like crazy! Fools. I hope the monkeys ate them. We bypassed the baboon section because those suckers are aggressive and tear people's cars apart.

So the safari bit ends and we decide to look around the rest of the place. Check out some birds, some monkeys, some baby elephants at play. Then the highlight, my daughter and my hubby take an elephant ride. She absolutely loved it and was even thanking the elephant after the ride hehehe. Kids are so cute sometimes.

Blah, see this is the problem with journals - I have too much to say and my fingers cannot type as fast as I think so I get frustrated and then bored. Enough for today.

I will try not to worry you.
I have seen things that you will never see.
REM, Try Not To Breathe

Argh. Not enough time to say what I need to today.

dont' get your back up over this
if i'm so wrong and you're so right
you really got your mind made up i guess
won't you let me get some sleep tonight?
Sarah Harmer, Don't Get Your Back Up

Lordy, it's been a while since I have updated. Hrm. I don't even know where to begin.

I've been quite ill, this whole tumor nonsense really really sucks. Seizures have been coming back. Insomnia has been kicking me in the ass. I've also been working a crapload of hours. Blah.

Saturday night my other half and I went to a friend's birthday gathering. There was much playing of cards on the wimmen's part and much bitching about the wimmen on the men's part. All in all a good time. Did not drink which was odd but nice at the same time. I am finding that if I even have one drink I get rather ill and very very dehydrated, talk about wierd. SO likes it however as now he has a dedicated DD. Of course he still panics when I am at the wheel but that is neither here nor there. Do NOT mail me about how crappy women drivers are, I am not listening, la la la.

S, the bitch, is going away for my birthday again. True. Nah she isn't a bitch, in fact I don't think we have been around for each other's birthday in years and years. Since the beginning it has been our bane. But we always seem to make up for it in the long run. We are thinking of creating a mutual birthdayish sort of day smack in the middle of nowhere, calendar wise.

Either way I am having mixed feelings about my birthday. I turn 25 this year. The whole quarter of a century bit doesn't bother me. I just have an odd feeling about this year. Anyhow, I'm off. To work. Blah.

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do.
Cold Play, Yellow

Playing Scrabble Online at 4 am can get quite crazy.

Insomnia sucks. Know that? It's true. Whoever out there glorifies it obviously doesn't get the picture. NOT SLEEPING ENOUGH IS BAD FOR YOU.

Headaches are worse, I don't know if it is because of the lack of sleep thing or what, but they are horrible. Blah blah blah like any of you care.

I spent last night at S's house, smoking cigarette after cigarette and trying not to think about anything too upsetting though lord knows that plenty of upsetting things have been going on behind the curtain of the drama that is sometimes known as my life. I am learning that everything is to be expected and nothing discluded from the list of possibilities. I am learning that the more I think about what's wrong the less I think about what's right, so I am reversing these things. I am learning that by reversing these things I am confusing the hell out of myself.

I am learning that I am lost. I am learning that maybe I never was who I should be and all the people that knew me as this brave incandescent light were just as fooled by me as I was. I am not always so brave. I am not always so strong. I get scared and upset too. Sometimes, I need the shoulder. How lonely it is that when I do, I have so few, so very few of the many people I know, to turn to.

Work really sucks lately.

Sometimes I wonder why I come to care about people I barely know more than some of the people I have known all my life.

I think that I think too much.

let us die young or let us live forever
we don't have the power but we never say never
sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip
the music's for the sad men
can you imagine when this race is won
turn our golden faces into the sun
praising our leaders we're getting in tune
the music's played by the madmen
Alphaville, Forever Young

How long has it been since you'd heard that song? Yeah, same here. I heard it in the cinema yesterday while we were waiting for "Bridget Jones' Diary" to come on. It wasn't terrific, but it was pretty good. Smacked of Pride and Prejudice re-written, but maybe it was just the whole Colin Firth influence. Renee Zellweiger (I probably spelled that wrong, I can never get her name right) did an excellent job with the whole Brit accent bit, much better than most movies I see where people put on accents and then forget halfway through the movie they are supposed to have one.

I have a tumor. On my pituitary gland. Yeah, the one in my brain. Most cases of pituitary tumors result in it being benign. This is good. The tumor can be operated on via laser surgery through the nose a la Totall Recall. Yeah, I shuddered too. If it doesn't work, the next step would be radiation therapy.

It is relieving to know what is wrong with me, but it is aggravating because now that they have a path to follow, they are taking their sweet time about following it. I told my parents. My father wants a fifth or even sixth opinion before he will believe it. Of course, to him, tumors have always meant cancer. We have lost a lot of family to cancer. He couldn't handle my having that. My mother of course is turning it into a soap opera. And me? I just wish the headaches would stop. Because they are getting worse and worse.

Now be off with you. Go somewhere much more interesting than this place.

I will try not to breathe.
This decision is mine. I have lived a full life
and these are the eyes that I want you to remember. Oh.

I need something to fly over my grave again.
I need something to breathe.

I will try not to burden you.
I can hold these inside. I will hold my breath
until all these shivers subside,
just look in my eyes.

I will try not to worry you.
I have seen things that you will never see.
REM, Try Not To Breathe

I got my CT results back. I don't really know what to think of it all, I will post about this soon. Perhaps after I have talked to my family about it. My parents are currently in Portugal and have been for almost a month. They will be home soon. I don't know if they are going to take this well. We shall see. At the very least, the doctors now have a path to follow. Whether it is good or bad, it is a path. Better than not knowing.

I have been playing around with the page as you can see, I've updated the look of pretty much everything except the poetry pages and the old archives. I do not know what I will do with them yet.

I was voted Vice President of Public Relations for my Toastmasters club today. The title is more impressive than the job. I basically promote the club to the outside and make newsletters and stuff. *shrug* Hey, it's something to do.

We've been through fake-a-breakdown
Self hurt
Plastics, collections
Self help, self pain,
ESP, psychics, fuck all
I was central
I had control
I lost my head
I need this
I need this
REM, Country Feedback

Want to talk about wierd days? My alarm never went off this morning so I was two hours late to get to work to cover for a coworker. I got out to my car to find the lamp part of a streetlight in front of my car. The pole which it came from was still intact and erect. Just the lamp was off. In front of my car. Good thing it wasn't ON my car.

I get to work and find out that someone from one of our other divisions has been fudging their figures to make themselves look good and make us look bad. The next spending/savings review is coming up and my boss is preparing to chew a hole through them. Oh to be a fly on the wall for THAT meeting...

Now that I have gotten the hand of this blogger nonsense, I am finding it much easier than the html nonsense. Lazy, yes, but efficient, also yes. 

Carry on.

Once upon a time there were no birds. But Sky was lonely and needed song, so the birds came and cheered it up. Now, not all the birds were happy. Some sang sad songs, so the sky would cry a while. And sometimes the birds would go away for a long time.

Then the sky would be sad and lonely, and would cry frozen tears until the birds came back. The frozen tears were called Snow and Ice. Sky's tears would blanket Earth and make her beautiful, in hopes that the birds would come back. Some did, but not all. Sky was sad and bleak.

Soon enough, the birds would return. Sky would shine and melt away the blankets that kept Earth asleep. Then, Sky would cry tears of joy at the return of the birds. The earth would swallow up Sky's tears when it was all done; but sometimes Earth couldn't contain so much sorrow, so the tears would wash everything away. This was called flood.

Sometimes Sky became so preoccupied with the singing that it would forget it was sad. It would bring the shining heat on everything and make it pretty for the birds, to entice them to stay. The sad birds would say not a word. The happy birds were too warm to sing. Earth would radiate its fury at the sky. This was called drought.

Sky would not give in. It would fill up with the tears and not release them. It did not want to be sad. It wanted to feel only joy. The pent-up
tears and the shining heat would make everything hazy. This was called humidity.

Everyone would pray that some day, Sky would cry again. The plants would scream in abject horror as the sun burnt their flesh. They had no tears from Sky to save them.

The Dancers would come and sing to Sky because the birds were too weak. Sky would boom back at the dancers, wanting the birds. The boom was called thunder.

The Dancers would sing louder, and move in a frenzied pace. Sky would boom back louder, crackling with anger and lighting up with its fury. The crackling would bring lightning.

The Dancers would not let up. They would make fire and circle around and around, their voices reaching up and out.

The Dancers would pray.
The birds would pray.
Earth and the plants would pray.

Sky would finally snap in frustration. The noise was deafening.

And finally, the tears came.

This was called rain.

And the rain was good.

Don't project
Don't connect
Protect
Don't expect
Suggest
U2, Numb

So today I caved and finally decided to start using the account I set up at blogger. Much as I love putting my own weblogs together from scratch, this is nice too, because I can update this from wherever, instead of waiting until I'm home and at my comp with all my ftp info and stuff.

Anyway, this past weekend was a long weekend in Canada. We all get Monday off. Well most of us. I got to go to work and answer the phone and explain to everyone else on the planet that "you see, in Canada, where I happen to be, it is a holiday, so no one else is here. Why am I here? Good question. I have things to do. Call so-and-so tomorrow. Yes. Ok. Bye." Why is it that we are expected to keep on the up-and-up with events and holidays in other countries, but it isn't reciprocated? I just don't get that. Oh well.