So I have this Metisse song stuck in my head and it won't go away. The culprit behind it is watching the first season of "Dead Like Me" again. I really liked that show and I'm sorry it was cancelled - that seems to happen with shows I like so maybe I should start pretending to hate Dexter and Mad Men. Anyway, it's all I've been doing in between sleeping and semi-functioning as a mother to my kids. Stupid pneumonia/sickness/whatever just kicked me in the rear and is running amok in me. I'm on a freaking puffer for crying out loud - that's how bad the breathing has been. I have to see my doc again on Weds & see about going back to work - I'm just exhausted but I need to go back and I hope he says yes.

As a result of this pneumonia I have had to reschedule the battery of tests I was supposed to take at a hospital in another city (because it's the earliest I could go) and now I'm fucked over for another few months.

Um. What else. I'm too tired to think. That's nothing new, but I'm just putting it out there. The weather has been terrific outside and I've been too ill to enjoy it. There are flowers budding all over the place and that saucy Robin that knocks on our back window every year for crumbs should be showing up any day now. Everything is shouting "It's spring! It's spring!" and I could care less. That is probably the saddest thing I've thought in a while.

Who wants to start building me a bionic body?

Went out with Sir T last night (considered changing the moniker to Sir Pan, for reasons too long to get into here, but for now Sir T he remains) and fed him beer while we caught up on our daily lives as well as other stuff. It is great to have a friend like him, and I think it is seriously necessary that every woman have at least one male friend they can talk to, to get their perspective on, or to even just chit chat with. I feel that it is a mutual thing here - I give him female perspective on things as well, and a neutral one at that as our friendship circles are very different. In any case, it was my turn to drive him, let him drink, and talk talk talk. And laugh! I needed a laugh. I really, really needed the laugh.

Here is the thing. Every time we get together, we always say the same two things: "I'm so glad I can talk to you" and "we should get together more often". Which is followed up by the latter item not really happening, in spite of the former statement. Mostly because our lives are scheduling nightmares, also because it's just one of those things. Something we hope to amend. One thing I am thankful for, is that S is good about this. He trusts me, knows me well enough to know there isn't any hanky-panky going on. Also I suspect he believes Sir T is terrified of him - which could quite possibly be true, but isn't an issue here. S is a big guy - you don't want to see the Hulk get angry, all that jazz, but the truth is, Sir T is a pretty upstanding guy, has a good moral backbone. Clark Kent with a serious need to save the world, one drunken mishap at a time.

Enough on that. On to the London trip. The night before I went with C & my mother to London, at around 3 am the fire alarm started beeping intermittently. We couldn't sense any fire, etc, but to be safe S cut off the electricity for upstairs and then I stayed up the remainder of the morning until the kids got up, worrying about fire anyway. The issue was, the alarm is older than dinosaurs and finally just went kaput, not with a bang but a clatter and clang. On barely any sleep, I drove myself and C and my mom to London. We did a bit of shopping, and then went to our hotel to check in. The suite was really nice - like a little apartment almost. Fridge, stove top, microwave, dishwasher, the whole shebang. Two humongous beds, living room, etc. C was in Heaven and immediately began unpacking and settling her things in. We rested up a bit in the room, C played on my laptop for a while (whee, free wireless with the room! Fantastic!) and then we went out shopping some more. This weekend was about my C, so she got to direct us to the stores she wanted. Most of the things I bought this weekend were for my kids, and C made out like a bandit as usual. There was a pool in the hotel so C and I went swimming after supper while my mom took a little nap.

Breakfast the next morning inclusive and buffet style, fit for a king. C in her glory - all the bacon she could eat! Muffins! Waffles! Eggs & home fries! Seriously, it was wonderful, and you don't often get to say that about hotel faire.

Came home to S & K playing a new Wii game, the new fire alarm installed & a new light for the upstairs hall as well. I was just pooched - no sleep, driving all over hell's half-acre all weekend. Took a nap and felt refreshed, and glad I managed to squeeze in a little mini-break for C and me. She's getting to a tricky age, and I feel it is incredibly important to make time for just her and I. K takes up a lot of my time, and I don't want C feeling as though she is left out all the time. C was in her glory and you can tell - she really enjoyed our time away. Next year we'll probably just go back to London - while Toronto was nice, it's hectic and I hate driving there, the cost of everything is ridiculous, grumblemumble complaincomplain, walking barefoot in the snow uphill backwards, kids these days and their crazy rock music.

Health-wise, nothing new to report. The meds work wonderfully. They carried me through a migraine that lasted 14 days. I want you to think about that - 14 days of your head feeling like there is a vise gripping it, your eyes twitching and sometimes seeing stars. Feeling like if you could only just reach in and pull them out of their sockets, the pressure might go away awhile. Feeling like you wish someone would stop pushing down on the top of your head with a jackhammer. Fourteen days of it. The meds helped as far as the not needing to vomit and the eyes mostly obeying, took the edge off the pain, but not much more than that.

How is it that I'm still sane again?

I don't know.


I have that Rolling Stones song "Play with Fire" stuck in my head, because of that movie the Darjeeling Limited. I sort of liked the movie, sort of didn't. I like Wes Anderson films, that is something in his favor, but I found one or two of his casting decisions rather poor, and parts of the film could have gone better. In general it was okay though. And his song choices are always spot on, thus the earwig digging into me chanting "but don't play with me cause you're playing with fire"...

I can't believe it's almost Easter already. Hammer sent me some fun factoids about this being the earliest Easter we'll ever see in our lifetime. It's pretty neat, and amazing to think on - time is such a funny, funny thing that way. Hammer is another person I need to spend more time with. Again, life is a nightmare, bla bla bla.

Ok, I should probably go make the most of my morning off by getting the kids' Easter things together. We're going for low-key this year - get them what they need maybe, mostly some chocolate eggs or whatnot.

I had some hours banked from overtime last week, and I feel kinda cruddy, so hooray for being able to go home without penalty.

Easter was quite the ride but I'm not in the mood to talk about it.

i could have been learning something, oh well you know what i mean
i've done this before and i will do it again
come on and kill me baby, while you smile like a friend
oh and i'll come running just to do it again

I have had that Pulp song in my head for a week straight.

What I love about Pulp is that they are so cheeky and comfortable in the knowledge that they're tongue-in-cheek disco/mod.

Ok, I'm seriously feeling dizzy so I'm going to lie down.

Been a while since I've heard a Depeche Mode song. Hrm.

So I overslept and was in a mad rush this morning to get the kids off to school. I managed to do so, thank goodness. Then I went out and got them some Easter goodies. I actually found a skip-it with a bona fide strawberry full of beads at the end of it. God bless the Dollarama. C is going to have kittens when she sees it. They also had nerf-like rocket launchers so I got one for K.

Sped home, took a shower, cursed because blowdryer is dead and I had to tie my hair up in a bun because it was still wet. Air conditioning was on at the office, so I froze my bitties off. Funny thing - took the bun out of my hair just now, and there are still wet parts. Hair smells like Johnson's no more tears shampoo. This is not by accident.

It snowed a little today which is completely depressing, but I'll get over it.

MIL's birthday is on Saturday and FIL is planning a surprise dinner for her. I'm glad for FIL's thoughtfulness but also think what the hell - she bitched for us not to have a dinner for her last year, then bitched about it afterward that we never held one. Um. You can't have it both ways lady. Anyway. S has bought her a card and not much else - I have no idea what to do but I can't afford to go out and buy her anything. It's his effing mother, I'm tired of doing all the gift shopping for his family, but what really burns my ass is that if he neglects to pick something up, somehow it is going to be my fault. Le sigh.

I still can't believe it's almost Easter.

Sometimes my job really irritates me. Or rather, the people I deal with on the phone irritate me. I'm sorry that you fucked up. I'm sorry that I refuse to take the blame for it. I'm sorry that you aren't willing to try at least one of the 3 resolutions I suggest and provide for you on a platter. Click. Bang.

But the nice thing is, I come home, and it's forgotten, and I don't care.

I was never able to say that about my previous job, as anyone who's kept up with this blog or spoken to me can attest. I was a shadow of a person there, completely lost. Completely.

I've felt the itch to write more things of late. This is good, and something I haven't felt in a long while.

No idea where the title came from. My Noggin, I guess.

Spent the weekend at my cousin Lola's house, and we brought the Wii. I'm pretty sure her hubby is now enamored with the system. S and I are comtemplating just how long he'll go without one - I'm figuring one more visit with the system may push him over the edge.

There has been a lot of introspection going on with me of late. Perhaps its the season shifting that is causing the tectonic shift in my thought processes. I don't know.

This weekend is Easter weekend of course, and with it brings a whole new set of problems: how do you make egg trails when you own a cat that loves to bat things around?

C actually made hazardous mention of the idea that maybe Mr. Bunny and his mate S. Claus don't exist. Nobody at school has been saying anything - she just drew up the conclusion on her own. I asked her why. Then she mulled it over and recanted. She said there is probably for sure a Santa, because she was sure there wasn't but then he brought her exactly what she asked for at Christmas and there was no possible way that S & I would have got these obscure requests. So if Mr. Claus exists, maybe E. Bunny does too. We had a talk about faith - believing in what you can't see. We also had talks about Jesus - I think the religious aspect of these holidays is what is causing the counter-point of "why do these figments exist?"

This whole scandalous conversation thankfully went down without K in our presence. But it got me thinking - I mean, I can't really pinpoint the time that I stopped believing. I think it just happened slowly, in increments, until that last bastion of magic in my life crawled away when I wasn't looking. Sad really when you think on it. I figure if I'm lucky, if I'm very lucky, C will believe for one more year, and then she'll be done. That's just the way C is, but is it silly that I find that just a wee bit heartbreaking?

I don't care what anyone says. Will Farrell is pretty damn funny.

Got in touch with Senor D, which is strange as I probably haven't seen or heard from him in about 15 years I think? 14? Something like that. He's going to wrack his brain for stories about the soon-to-be Groom that are PG-rated but still funny. This may take a while, good thing we have a few months till the wedding.

Memo to self: buck and doe meeting April 13.

Feeling kind of lazy this morning, took a shower later than usual and now my hair is all wet. And I hate using a blowdryer - I have too much hair, it practically kills the damn things. In fact I don't even know if I have one. Wet hair to work it is.

Spring has sprung, and I feel terrific about that let me tell you. I'm a sun worshipper and hate how the past winter has really cramped being able to be out for more than a few seconds at a time.

It was crazy hair & backwards day at the kids' school. K wanted a faux-hawk and C wanted a bunch of ponies in her hair. K insisted on even having his backpack on backwords today. I think the school spirit days are great but at the same time a little ridiculous. Like how they have the pajama day in the middle of November. Say what? You read that right. It's usually freezing out and there the kids are in their flannels all day.

S made us broiled salmon and an asian stirfry and rice last night. I know the saying usually goes that the way to a man's heart is through his ribcage-er, stomach, but I think it goes both ways. Walking into the door last night and smelling that delicious smell of pepper and other such things was just... damn, my mouth's watering just now thinking about it.

All right. Enough procrastinating and time to get myself to work.

So the last post? That was my one thousandth post on this blog.

Huh.

That's either pretty impressive, or pretty pathetic, or the most likely: a mixture of both.

If I were better at keeping people up to date I'd probably have made 1000 long ago. Go Team Procrastination!

Walked to work today which was wonderful and I felt the sun on my face and the birds were twittering and I felt alive. Almost like I'd forgotten what that felt like a little. That's what spring usually does to me.

I'm worried about my sister in law. She's not doing so well; her ex's death has hit her twice as hard this year for some reason. I'm hoping she'll be ok. She managed to get the week off work - self-explanatory as to why but it makes me sort of sad that she'd use up her vacation hours for mourning.

She's supposed to be coming over Friday night and we're going to drink and bake. That should be interesting and I will do what I always do - say insane things to make her laugh, use my wit to charm her into forgetting for a while that she's sad.

Nothing shifts focus on my problems quite like the problems of those I love, after all.

We went to King Buffet last night at S's insistence - he had a hankering for buffet food and the kids were right on board with that one. K loves that he can fill his own plate with whatever he chooses, C loves that there's a large variety, they both love the desserts, and I love that we don't have 20 minutes of the kids going "I'm hunnnnnnnnnnngry" and "when's the food coming?" and "moooooom, he's coloring on my side of the table" or whatever-have-you. I'm not a big buffet eater, but they did expand their seafood selection, so I was happy as well.

This weekend S & I are going to Medieval Times through one of his work's social club functions. I am looking forward to it, but I'm also tired, so I'm thinking I'll need a power-nap tomorrow morning at some point. I just feel so drained. I think it's because I've spent the past month healing, and getting a bad infection, and healing some more, all the while choking down emotional issues because I am a wife a mother an employee and don't have time to digest that stuff. I know it's going to catch up to me; I know I know I know. You don't have to tell me. I know. But for now I'm content with choking it down and shoving it deep undercover and not thinking about it. For now.

In more superficial news, what the hell America? Voting someone who can actually sing off American Idol and allowing people who have the talent and charm of dry toast is just mind-boggling to me. You know what I'm talking about.

Is it sad that I'm tempted to try Americone Dream? Truthiness of taste aside, the flavor combination is a good one. We'll see.

You know what I love? SPRING. You know what else? It's practically here!!! March came in like a den of half-starved lions; here's hoping the adage is somewhat correct, and it will leave like roasted lambs on spits. Mmm. Lamb on a spit.

On that note, time to put in the last day of the work week.

So the weekend in Toronto? Um. I don't even know where to begin.

As soon as my mom came to pick us up, C ran out and slipped on some ice and the ice was wet and melty so therefore so was her pants. We got her fixed up and changed and then stopped at Tim Horton's and sat with some coffee before going to the VIA station. I won a free donut which we grabbed for the trip there. I don't know if it's a Portuguese thing (more likely a European thing) but we have this thing where we always pack food when we take long trips. C was in her glory because my mom brought a mini-cooler bag and it was full of cookies and iced tea and strawberries and all sorts of goodies. "Look mom, there's even room for the donut!"

The train ride up was lovely, though our group was separated a little because the train was booked solid. C and I got to sit together, but my mother ended up having to sit by someone who was - believe it or not - playing World of Warcraft on his laptop the whole trip down. C was just beside herself with giddiness over the ride. I let her have the window seat of course and she was fascinated and happy.



She brought her mp3 player and hummed quietly to herself while munching on a cookie. At every stop the train took she asked me how many more stops till ours. I explained which one we were at, and some information about it, and how much longer till we got there. She got more and more restless the closer we got.

When we got to Union Station it was chaos as usual. My mother had never been on a train either so she didn't know what to expect. She was fascinated by the underground - "it's like a whole other city down here!" We took underground paths to the Royal York which she thought was cool.

We went up the winding staircase to the lobby of the hotel and it was just beautiful. They allowed us to check in early which was awesome. The lobby was full of tv & radio types, celebrating some sort of Rogers event. My mother had the foresight to ask if the hotel took corporate rates - looks like they did, and being that we both work for the institution that we do, we were eligible for the rate - hurrah!

We got to our room and it was so, so lovely. Taking photos didn't quite give the idea but it was very spacious, and the view outside our window was of the CN Tower. C really loved that.



C jumped on one of the beds and declared it was HERS, and that me and my mother would have to share the other one. She flopped into a million pillows and the look of happiness on her face was like a little slice of heaven to me. When we were finished unpacking things and exploring the room, we then went down and out into the world to head to the mall. Shockingly my mother had never been to the Eaton Centre - wonders never cease.

She and I had a mini-argument over going via The Bay - she was convinced it was a shop on its own and would not lead us to the shopping mecca that is Eaton Centre. I managed to sway her as it was pretty nippy outside. We got in and once we got into the mall proper, the two of them were like kids at Christmas - they didn't know where to go first. Information overload.

C found a Claire's and there was no question - that was to be our first stop. We traversed quite a few shops, including one of my favorites - I mean who doesn't love Old Navy right? By the end of the excursion both C and my mom were just dog tired, and we agreed to take a cab back (Yes yes I know that's pretty damn lazy considering how close the hotel was but it was freezing out and we did have a lot (A LOT) of bags and who was I to argue over a 5 dollar trip?).

We got back to our room and my mom changed into pj pants for a bit before we'd go out for dinner. C was panicking thinking it was bed time - I explained to her, it's just the way my mom operates. We turned on the tv and watched the last 20 minutes of "Man in the Iron Mask" while my mom "rested her eyes" for a bit. C whispered to me in a conspiratorial tone that "if Mootie (her pet name for my mom) doesn't wake up when it's time to go, we're leaving without her ok?"

We ended up going to Casey's for dinner which was fine by C. After a 20 minute wait for our table ("Mum, it feels like I've spent half the day waiting for things!" Welcome to Toronto, kid) we were seated and fed pretty quickly. The food was fabulous but the portions were just huge - you could have fed 3 people with my plate alone. My caesar came with a big chili pepper hanging off the glass rather than the typical accoutrements of lemon and such. C thought we should keep it to bring to S but I wasn't about to carry a chili pepper in my purse for the rest of the excursion.

After supper we walked around the city for a bit. I wanted C to see how beautiful it can be at night (homeless people sleeping on the sidewalk and all). The skydome's big light beams were flashing in the sky. "Look mom! The bat signal!" That's my girl.

We got back to the hotel and got into our pj's and vegged out on the beds & chairs. Mrs. Doubtfire was on and C had never seen it so we had snacks (more snacks were purchased elsewhere through the day because I refuse to pay 5 bucks for a small bag of hotel goodie basket M&Ms) and chit-chatted and just relaxed. C probably didn't get to sleep until about 1 am. What the hell, it's March Break right? My mom fell asleep at ten and then woke up again at 2 - I was still awake, so she decided it was time to talk. So she did. Till about 4. Then she fell asleep again and it was just me, staring at the ceiling trying to will myself to sleep. I finally managed to but then woke up around 7, up like a rocket. Stupid internal clock.

Cinnabons and hotel coffee for breakfast, while C had pop tarts (the mini cooler strikes again!) and then we packed up and went to the train station. The departures area requires we go into the station proper. This thrilled them as - well - it really is a sight to see. The opulence of Union Station is worth seeing at least once. Then we found a fruit vendor in the area where we board the trains so C and I got some apples and pears to munch on while mom watched the bags. I spotted a photo booth so C and I went in and took some photos - it's a thing we seem to do every time we have a mother-daughter outing. Then C convinced my mom to go in with her - the photos came out pretty goofy which was just great.

We got on the train and this time managed to acquire a set of four seats facing each other. Surrounded by bags, C settled in for another 2 hour trip.




If only we knew what was in store.

The rest of this story some of you may have already read/heard about from me, but for the rest of you, hold on to your hats.

We had just left the Guelph train station when I saw it happen. My daughter thankfully was oblivious - daydreaming and listening to music, looking at a book. She felt the thump-thump, and heard the train's brakes, and smelled the burning of the brakes, but didn't know what really happened until I explained it (very briefly).

A Toyota Corolla failed to stop at a railway crossing near Woolwich-Guelph Townline. As a result our train hit it. I'm not sure why - maybe they didn't see the lights and hear the bell and train horn blaring, but the car was trying to outrun the train and I saw the train hit its rear end clear off. It flew into the air and it spun like the tazmanian devil and flew into a ditch - metal flew all over the place. And then the car's engine caught fire. Blood and shrapnel everywhere. The train had tried to break but how the hell do you stop a moving train right? So they burned the breaks out and then we were stuck in the train for three hours while police and everyone tried to sort things out. In the end they ended up paying for cabs to take people to their final destinations.

I texted S on his cell when it happened and immediately he called me. "Are you ok? What happened?" and in the background his buddy JG said "Was she driving, is that why they hit something?" Leave it to him to try and diffuse something with humor. It worked a little but I was still edgy and S could tell. I told him NOT to tell K anything until we got home, just tell him we would be a little late. I wanted to tell K after we were already home so that he could see for himself that we were safe, and so his little 6 year old self wouldn't worry unnecessarily. S agreed to this but said what about his 28 year old self?

I just keep thinking about how I saw it happen and it seemed so surreal. My mother had no idea what was going on - "why did we stop? Why aren't we moving?" because she obviously didn't hear me shout "oh my god we just hit a car!" There were three passengers - two women and a nine year old boy. The boy was pronounced dead at the scene and the women were airlifted to a nearby hospital. The women are still in critical condition. The engineers have asked for a leave of absence apparently - who can blame them? How do you make amends with yourself over that, even though it was beyond your control to avoid it?

C said she never wanted to see a train again. I tried to explain to her I've been on one thousands of times, and that this sort of thing very very rarely happens, but she wasn't convinced. Today she seems to be okay with it, and has said she'd be willing to try it again, but could Daddy please come this time too?



Frankly while I remained calm the whole time, after we got home I was a wreck. Really shaken up and I just keep thinking my god imagine how the engineers feel, you know? Here's the thing. The train hit the tail of the car. I bet if the car had about 5 more seconds, it would have made it across the tracks. Five more seconds. If their day had been behind by five more seconds, they'd be alive, and it would be just another close call, lesson learned. I keep thinking about that. Five more seconds.

And now I hug my kids for five seconds longer and am just so damn thankful we're all okay.

So. How was YOUR weekend?