The Top 100 Classical tunes is actually a pretty neat site, when you consider most kids out there aren't really exposed to classical music in the traditional sense and probably don't realize just how many songs they hear in adverts and cartoons etc are decades and decades old.

It also makes me realize how nerdy I am because I could identify most of these without the help of this site, heheh.

Watching the Jeffersons now, and it reminds me (as does Sanford & Son) just how much the comedies of the past got away with.

Ok time to clean up some before heading to work. Ugh. Work has been a real challenge in some ways, but in others it's a different experience in that I just really don't care when people call to push my buttons because theirs have been pushed and it rolls downhill. I just sort of remain this blank slate that doesn't really give two shits that your client is ramming it down your throat - in the grand scheme of things there are much more important things to worry about. Interestingly, this blank calm seems to work on the caller and they tend to slow down and breathe (especially when I say "Hey. Slow down and breathe. Ok, now tell me what is wrong").

As far as medical insanity is concerned - there's too much to talk about and I am not really in the mood. The synopsis is: I remain a mystery of science, and they just keep feeding me different meds to attempt to calm down the symptoms until they can figure out the root cause.

Now I'm going to go listen to Bizet and get myself pumped for another day.

Ciao.

Have I ever mentioned my friend V?

Probably not. The reason being - I miss her so very much. There is a huge vacancy in my life that is left especially for her, and no matter what I do, nothing and nobody else can fill it. We were friends in college, and of all my "college friends" she is the only one that has stuck. What I mean is, I don't write about her much because there is so much to say. But I think of her all the time. She moved to England quite a few years ago. We get together maybe every 2 years if we are lucky. If she or I could afford it the visits would be much more frequent.

Today I got a package in the mail from her. She gave me "eat pray love" by Elizabeth Gilbert, and a CD of her making. It was so strange because I have seen this book on shelves in stores all over lately, and have felt drawn to it, but always held back from getting it. Now I know why. She wrote all over the inside cover of the book and I cried. And I read the tracks on her CD and I laughed and then I listened and then I cried.

All I really wanted to say here is, I miss her.

I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
the rhythm of my footsteps crossing flood lands to your door have been silenced forever more.
the distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
it seems farther than ever before
oh no.

I need you so much closer

(death cab for cutie - transatlanticism)

É ingratidao falar mal do vinho
E a provar o que digo
Vamos, meu amigo, a mais um copinho
- Mariza, "Ouça Lá, Ó Senhor Vinho"

Dear whoever this concerns:

I haven't written much lately. I feel like I have poured too much sad and not enough happy, and things are feeling flat. I don't mean for most of my tales to be sad. Truly, I don't. It's just that I'm always told, "Write what you know". It is as simple and as difficult as that. Most of what I write is true, and most of what I write is real, and most of what I write is probably a bad idea.

I still have many stories to share and I don't know where to begin. It is like all these moments are surfacing for me and I want to express them but I already feel so damn exposed here. At the same time I wonder why not? Over time I have peeled myself down, layer by layer. It is all out there if you want it. This is something that has been both painful and cathartic. The knife ever so gracefully poised over my cadaver, waiting to sink into flesh and reveal all the viscera underneath. But I am no longer looking to see who is wielding the scalpel, instead I am itemizing these things, labeling them neatly, presenting my case and stepping back to allow for the words to speak for themselves.

What you don't see is what is happening between the lines. I am really good at playing the bumbling fool. However, the curious (but wholly expected) side effect of playing the fool is that I am never taken very seriously. This is my protective shell - do not allow myself to be seriously considered and then I won't get hurt. When I am cornered into telling it like it is, no fancy analogies or anything, I shuffle my feet abashed and wishing that the focus was on anything but me. People would not believe that I am terribly shy; that I rarely tell the people I love how I really feel about them; that I rarely smile; that I cry and cry until I am dry and then I won't cry for months; that these days I think that I am almost always afraid. I have spent literally decades of my life fooling people into thinking I am unapproachable, like some freaking special unicorn faerie or something. That if you touch me you will find that I disappear into the mists. I am fun but I will hold you at arms length.

I am really tired of pretending that I am ok. I pretend and I pretend and everyone else goes along with it. That is so much better for me than to see their worried glances and sometimes even see their questioning eyes. And I want to be honest here, life has been one long struggle and this past month or so has been more than I can bear at times. So now I am trying to just sort of live day by day, watch the seconds on the clock march in cadence and bring me closer to an answer.

I keep opening and closing my hands. I keep blinking my eyes. I keep feeling my pulse under the surface of my skin and I am grateful for every little beat that pumps through my heart.

I had seen this months ago when it was initially created, but I am sharing it now anyway, because it was in my head tonight. It moved me and I keep thinking in my head "Please be the next U.S. President. Pretty please?" Because really, look at the alternative... and also truly, it's been a very long time since I've felt drawn to a political leader the way this man draws people in. I actually prayed that Hillary Clinton would be ousted. Not to cast any disparaging remarks against her, as nobody can fault her for fighting for something she worked hard to achieve, but I really don't think we need another Clinton in the White House.

Anyway.

Yes. We. Can.



When Obama speaks I feel compelled to listen. People compare him to MLK and you can kind of see why. The speech that inspired the song can be seen here:



There is an excellent a capella version of the song, performed by students. Gorgeous.

You want to shake your head some? Download Type O Negative's cover of "Summer Breeze". (YouTube has a user-created vid here, if you are curious. The vid is just a montage of Peter Steele and the rest of tha band ad nauseum, but the music is the part I'm talking about anyway.)

So um. I went to doctor again today, because couldn't sleep at all last night. Or for the past forever. Pain like you wouldn't believe. He checked my legs for blood clots (just to be safe) of course found nothing. "Take some advil & tylenol if you are finding it to be too much at night, go easy on the narcotic stuff". Right, because I'm huge on pills.

As I am wide awake, I figured it would be a good project to hook up the Wii to our wireless network. Well what do you know, I am a genius and managed to do it, even remembered the WEP code to allow it access. Now I am waiting a zillion years for it to update as the Wii has been out for quite some time now and we have never updated it.

So.

Recently watched "You Kill Me" again, which is a rather dark "romantic comedy" (I use the term very loosely here - this is not your typical romcom) featuring Sir Ben Kingsley & Téa Leoni. I love them both and it was interesting to see how they interacted with each other. S mentioned that Kingsley's voice sounded really odd in this film - I pointed out that he is playing an alcoholic - and doing it rather well at that. The slur is intentional. If you have a macabre bone or two in your body, you will find parts pretty damn funny. I bought the film used for 4 bucks at the video store a few months ago. For less money than a rental, I can now watch it at my leisure.

Let's see... there are still things I need to update on but my mind is in a ramble bramble sort of mood so I can't really articulate it all at present.

I'm going to try napping, we'll see if my legs & arms cooperate & let me sleep - even if only for a little while.

Feeling pretty numb and lost. I think I've just about had it up to here with everything. Let's run away, hobo style. Little stick and scarf with precious things in it.

If you could pack a scarf, and you could only fit 4 things, what would they be?

So I have this Metisse song stuck in my head and it won't go away. The culprit behind it is watching the first season of "Dead Like Me" again. I really liked that show and I'm sorry it was cancelled - that seems to happen with shows I like so maybe I should start pretending to hate Dexter and Mad Men. Anyway, it's all I've been doing in between sleeping and semi-functioning as a mother to my kids. Stupid pneumonia/sickness/whatever just kicked me in the rear and is running amok in me. I'm on a freaking puffer for crying out loud - that's how bad the breathing has been. I have to see my doc again on Weds & see about going back to work - I'm just exhausted but I need to go back and I hope he says yes.

As a result of this pneumonia I have had to reschedule the battery of tests I was supposed to take at a hospital in another city (because it's the earliest I could go) and now I'm fucked over for another few months.

Um. What else. I'm too tired to think. That's nothing new, but I'm just putting it out there. The weather has been terrific outside and I've been too ill to enjoy it. There are flowers budding all over the place and that saucy Robin that knocks on our back window every year for crumbs should be showing up any day now. Everything is shouting "It's spring! It's spring!" and I could care less. That is probably the saddest thing I've thought in a while.

Who wants to start building me a bionic body?

Oh, man. I can't even tell you how much this amused me.

New Kids On the Block Reuniting

I just want to know... why?

In other news, my whole family has been sick - S has pneumonia and has been off work for about a week and a half now, the man asked me to take him to the hospital TWICE that is how sick he is. We thought for sure C had gotten it when she fell ill last Saturday, carrying all the same symptoms as S, but she managed to bounce back the way kids do with plenty of bedrest. K is of course now home with similar symptoms but not as bad, however because he still has a fever (they've all had a fever of about 39-40 this whole time - that's 102-104 to ye Americans out there) he is staying home.

I am mentally physically emotionally exhausted, and all this taking care of sick people has finally caught up with me. Chest heavy, bones achey, I want to just sleep forever. But I can't, because I am the mom and I still have to get stuff done. The dad in this situation is busy resting and trying to get better. I don't have this luxury, although I did indulge and call in sick yesterday at work - only to stay home and care for K who is pretty demanding when he is ill - like papa like boy I suppose.

I feel terrible that S feels so bad but even he is getting on my last nerve - I told him I wasn't feeling well and he got all sarcastic in my face and said "gee I have no idea how that feels" and I snapped right back at him "Oh right, I forgot that all sympathy must be directed at you at all times." This made him laugh at least but I was fuming - I am tired and I have been up all hours and I have been making home made chicken soup (I mean from scratch people - I am badass like that) and running to 5 different stores because nobody seems to carry dayquil & nyquil anymore (and it had to be those items, nothing else would do) and brewing tea and still helping the kids out and making sure everyone is eating and has plenty of fluids. See what this does to me? It makes me write run-on sentences that is likely going to give more than one friend reading this the hives.

In between all this I have been helping mother-in-law with preparations for Sunday - it's father-in-law's dad's 80th and they are having an open house for him. Insert rant about ungrateful old men here. I don't even want to go there, ok? It's just going to wind me up. And on Saturday is a surprise 50th for my friend Mickey's dad, and I feel like a bag of hell but I really want to go because I haven't seen Mickey or his family in a long time, and I miss him so very much. He was my best friend all through high school and university and he is a chef in St. Catherine's now so I never get to see him really. Sigh.

Ok I think I've ranted enough for one day, the exercise has taken me about an hour to write all this when normally it would take a few minutes. My head is spinny and I need to lie down for a while (for ever if I had the opportunity) before driving C to school (because I'm still expected to do that in spite of the fact that I feel like I would really like to just die, because at least that way I'd be resting).

How have YOU been?

Went out with Sir T last night (considered changing the moniker to Sir Pan, for reasons too long to get into here, but for now Sir T he remains) and fed him beer while we caught up on our daily lives as well as other stuff. It is great to have a friend like him, and I think it is seriously necessary that every woman have at least one male friend they can talk to, to get their perspective on, or to even just chit chat with. I feel that it is a mutual thing here - I give him female perspective on things as well, and a neutral one at that as our friendship circles are very different. In any case, it was my turn to drive him, let him drink, and talk talk talk. And laugh! I needed a laugh. I really, really needed the laugh.

Here is the thing. Every time we get together, we always say the same two things: "I'm so glad I can talk to you" and "we should get together more often". Which is followed up by the latter item not really happening, in spite of the former statement. Mostly because our lives are scheduling nightmares, also because it's just one of those things. Something we hope to amend. One thing I am thankful for, is that S is good about this. He trusts me, knows me well enough to know there isn't any hanky-panky going on. Also I suspect he believes Sir T is terrified of him - which could quite possibly be true, but isn't an issue here. S is a big guy - you don't want to see the Hulk get angry, all that jazz, but the truth is, Sir T is a pretty upstanding guy, has a good moral backbone. Clark Kent with a serious need to save the world, one drunken mishap at a time.

Enough on that. On to the London trip. The night before I went with C & my mother to London, at around 3 am the fire alarm started beeping intermittently. We couldn't sense any fire, etc, but to be safe S cut off the electricity for upstairs and then I stayed up the remainder of the morning until the kids got up, worrying about fire anyway. The issue was, the alarm is older than dinosaurs and finally just went kaput, not with a bang but a clatter and clang. On barely any sleep, I drove myself and C and my mom to London. We did a bit of shopping, and then went to our hotel to check in. The suite was really nice - like a little apartment almost. Fridge, stove top, microwave, dishwasher, the whole shebang. Two humongous beds, living room, etc. C was in Heaven and immediately began unpacking and settling her things in. We rested up a bit in the room, C played on my laptop for a while (whee, free wireless with the room! Fantastic!) and then we went out shopping some more. This weekend was about my C, so she got to direct us to the stores she wanted. Most of the things I bought this weekend were for my kids, and C made out like a bandit as usual. There was a pool in the hotel so C and I went swimming after supper while my mom took a little nap.

Breakfast the next morning inclusive and buffet style, fit for a king. C in her glory - all the bacon she could eat! Muffins! Waffles! Eggs & home fries! Seriously, it was wonderful, and you don't often get to say that about hotel faire.

Came home to S & K playing a new Wii game, the new fire alarm installed & a new light for the upstairs hall as well. I was just pooched - no sleep, driving all over hell's half-acre all weekend. Took a nap and felt refreshed, and glad I managed to squeeze in a little mini-break for C and me. She's getting to a tricky age, and I feel it is incredibly important to make time for just her and I. K takes up a lot of my time, and I don't want C feeling as though she is left out all the time. C was in her glory and you can tell - she really enjoyed our time away. Next year we'll probably just go back to London - while Toronto was nice, it's hectic and I hate driving there, the cost of everything is ridiculous, grumblemumble complaincomplain, walking barefoot in the snow uphill backwards, kids these days and their crazy rock music.

Health-wise, nothing new to report. The meds work wonderfully. They carried me through a migraine that lasted 14 days. I want you to think about that - 14 days of your head feeling like there is a vise gripping it, your eyes twitching and sometimes seeing stars. Feeling like if you could only just reach in and pull them out of their sockets, the pressure might go away awhile. Feeling like you wish someone would stop pushing down on the top of your head with a jackhammer. Fourteen days of it. The meds helped as far as the not needing to vomit and the eyes mostly obeying, took the edge off the pain, but not much more than that.

How is it that I'm still sane again?

I don't know.


I have that Rolling Stones song "Play with Fire" stuck in my head, because of that movie the Darjeeling Limited. I sort of liked the movie, sort of didn't. I like Wes Anderson films, that is something in his favor, but I found one or two of his casting decisions rather poor, and parts of the film could have gone better. In general it was okay though. And his song choices are always spot on, thus the earwig digging into me chanting "but don't play with me cause you're playing with fire"...

I can't believe it's almost Easter already. Hammer sent me some fun factoids about this being the earliest Easter we'll ever see in our lifetime. It's pretty neat, and amazing to think on - time is such a funny, funny thing that way. Hammer is another person I need to spend more time with. Again, life is a nightmare, bla bla bla.

Ok, I should probably go make the most of my morning off by getting the kids' Easter things together. We're going for low-key this year - get them what they need maybe, mostly some chocolate eggs or whatnot.

Went and saw Juno on Sunday with my friend Hammer. Since both our husbands had no wish to see it, but we both did, we decided to go without them. There was a bit of a fun mix-up as far as meeting up at the theatre, but we made it and all was well. Except the popcorn. That sort of tasted like it had been festering there for a year or so. But I digress.

The movie was good, though terribly unrealistic. Full of clever lines, and some things I could relate to and remember. I can see why it got so many accolades, but at the same time it isn't life-changing work here. It was just a good, clever movie that I enjoyed. You know what I found terribly amusing? Jason Bateman singing Hole's "Doll Parts". Fantastic.

I've been pretty busy and there is just so much that I am tired even thinking about writing it all down. I think it must be a tradition for me that my February is always rife with drama, doctors, and depression. I think that last bit just comes because of the former two.

Tonight is a parent council meeting, it's the dinner one where we all go meet at a place I would almost never eat, and exchange pleasantries we don't mean, and skirt around issues we have skirted around a million times before. Somehow Hammer managed to get conned into going though, so at least I'll have someone there that is beyond the "small talk" stage with me. It isn't that I'm a snob, or anything like that. It's more that... oh I can't explain it and there's no use trying. I just feel like I'm on a very different wavelength from most of the parents there. I don't know if it's an age thing (if someone tells me I'm just a baby one more freaking time I swear to God I'm going to punch them with my little baby fist. I'm 31 years old for crying out loud and I've likely seen more than most of the women there could dream of, thank you very much. Except you Hammer, you can call me a baby, I get that you don't really mean it) or if it's just that I don't care how much money a person makes, or what their husbands do for a living. I don't know.

I was driven home from work last night by my boss. She had a co-worker follow us home, and she drove me home in my neon. I literally saw stars and only stars - focus was impossible and my head felt like it was being crushed in a vise. My right arm was tingling, then it was on fire, then it went numb. Then the same thing happened to my face. I got in the door after she brought me home and I crashed on the couch. Hard. S brought me some meds and then I managed somehow to crawl up into bed.

I don't remember much after that except for S waking me up telling me he had to go to work, and I had to at least get myself on the couch so that there was parental presence among the young fry. I told C that I couldn't take her to guides and she said ok, that was fine. Then she called her friend Z to say she wouldn't be going, and Z said they could come get her. You know how there is that friend that would just drop everything to help you? That is Hammer. I can't even tell you how glad I am for her, I keep meaning to do something nice to thank her but there isn't enough time for me to even breathe lately, and I know she doesn't expect anything in return (she knows I would do the same for her in a heartbeat) but I still want to.


Ok, time to get the kids off to school. Thankfully my vision is back, although my head still hurts. Aren't tumors fun?

I really like Feist, I have no idea why.

For the first time ever, as in ever in my entire life, I bought a lottery ticket for myself yesterday. I don't know what impulses were working there, but it just seemed like the thing to do.

I'll let you know how it goes.

I am so sick and damn tired of snow it isn't funny.

In other news, I'm knitting GIR and I just finished one of his arms and realized I forgot to switch to grey after doing his shoulder in blue and now I'm all flustered and angry and I realize I'm going to have to rip it out but I just finished the damn thing and doing a four-string I-cord on 4 separate needles is HARD do you hear me????? The gad danged needles keep slipping and ARGH! If this weren't for my sister-in-law I would have done with it and feed the yarn to the cat already.

*heave*

*sigh*

Ok.

Today is the last day of vacation for the kids, and frankly I'm glad because they are driving each other and as a result ME up the bend. They stay at grandma's while I'm at work for the 5 hrs a day I'm required to go in, but the minute I'm home they are like rockets, ROCKETS I TELL YOU around the house. But ANGRY ROCKETS that shoot laser beams at each other all the damn time but the laser beams in this scenario are sharp pointy YELLING WORDS.

I have that stupid damn Amy Winehouse song stuck in my head and it won't go away and I want to gnash my teeth.

To end this post on a happy note I found out yesterday that one of my co-workers is having a baby in July. This is happy news because she's had some real trouble not only conceiving but managing to keep a baby in her belly over the 3 month mark. So hooray! I'm very glad for her as she is the type that truly wants a million kids and stuff.

Ok off to make breakfast for my family. Ciao.

Currently making a couple dozen butter tarts. I hope 2 dozen is ok - I figure there will be lots at the bake sale and I'm too tired to put myself out any further - it's been a very long, very stressful few weeks and I can't really put forth any more effort than I already have. Last week was report card week and the parent-teacher meetings left me drained and crying. It's too long to get into here and frankly not something I feel the need to publicly air (shocking, I know). If you are curious then you'll know how to get a hold of me to find out what is going on.

Tomorrow night is a council meeting because yet again they had to reschedule. If it keeps going on Monday nights I'm going to have to quit because it conflicts with my schedule BIG TIME. Sigh.

Ok I need to go do more things. Because I have a zillion on my plate and hopefully want to pare it down to a million by the end of the night.

Ok so the title is appropos because that that Haddaway song was on the radio this morning. And it got me to thinking about this one time I went out with S to Swiss Chalet. This was back when that damn Eiffel 65 song, "Blue" was out. S just LOVED this song. I mean LOVED it. Hummed it all the time and did this weird head-swivelly thing. Anyway, it drove me nuts. And I told him to stop humming or singing it al-damn-ready. And he said ok, he promised. And we were sitting there in the restaurant, and to be a brat and not break his promise at the same time, he started the head-swivel thing and started mouthing the words.

So to be a brat back, I said, "oh yeah? Well -"

And I started doing that head-bob thing the boys in Night at the Roxbury do. And laugh! Oh my God, we were cracking up right in the middle of the restaurant, and getting all kinds of dirty looks from these little old ladies in a booth near us. And that didn't help it just made us laugh more. Oh man. And it probably isn't as funny describing it, but that's just the way we are. We laugh and laugh and laugh sometimes until laughing-tears come out and we can't breathe.

That is love.

I'm not actually sick. I just have that Queens of the Stoneage song stuck in my head.

I want to knit this so badly I can almost taste it. It is beautiful and just the type of thing I would wear. I just need to find the right kind of yarn.

You would never know I got paid this week. Stupid bills. And signing C up for Guides. And a million other things. Siiiigh.

Not sure what to think of this cover. I think I like it. I think.

Kids: back in school. Finally! I'm beginning to think a friend at work had an idea there, where March Break & Christmas were extended, and the summer vacation was shorter. The kids were driving each other (and ME) bonkers by summer's end this year.

There's a hint of a whisper of a rumor that they want me back on council this year - I might and I might not, it depends... it would be nice not to have to have that on my head anymore, but at the same time, I'm used to doing it by now...

My cousin V is getting married in May... in CUBA. She wants us to go but... ugh. I hate money. It really depends on if we can swing it financially. It isn't that we don't want to go, but life always has a way of sticking it to us, financially speaking. We'll see. I was talking to S about it and he's game, but also is of the same thought - we need to see if we can afford to.

I'm itching to re-vamp this blog site again. The only thing that has been holding me back (aside from lack of creative muse) is that I really really like the Lost in Translation thing. However, I almost find myself missing the "Mean Reds" one I did a while back. Hmmm.

Now I'm just posting crap without meaning, a clear sign I need to make coffee. And send the kids off to school. Ahhh.

With your feet on the air and your head on the ground 
  Try this trick and spin it, yeah 
  Your head will collapse if there's nothing in it 
  And you'll ask yourself 

    Where is my mind?
    Where is my mind?
    Where is my mind? 
    Way out in the water, see it swimming 

Damien Rice is pretty good at just rending your heart into little bitty pieces.

Buck and Doe this weekend. I'm getting things ready for it. I've sent the response to the wedding invite out - it's on the same day as my Dad's birthday, and as they're invited too this should prove amusing.

I sort of have my speech planned in my head - it's a matter of getting it all down on paper and accosting a captive audience.

Brownies tonight - last one of the year, and because it's cruddy out they're having it at the hall again rather than the park. Oh well, c'est la guerre, right?

I've had a lot going on in my head lately. Things that I haven't thought about in years are surfacing, and begging me to write it all down. And I have, but not here. Probably never here. Some things just shouldn't be. It's almost cathartic, this process of releasing the little bones that make up one big skeleton.

K is loving soccer, and was all sad that it got cancelled last night due to the rainstorms. Mostly because S missed last week's first game due to work, and K was looking forward to his daddy being around for this one.

Summer is fast approaching, and I don't feel ready for it. I turn 31 this year, which is a pittance compared to some, but dinosaur-like in status to others. I haven't brought up my birthday with anyone close to me - I'm secretly hoping it just passes quietly.

I always think of that Tracy Bonham song.

I spent my Mother's Day morning cooking waffles for C's friends. She had her slumber party last night - the little ladies were up till about 1:30 and then woke up at 7 am today. S & K managed to escape the madness by spending the night at my in-laws' place.

C had fun, and I'll elaborate more when I'm not a walking zombie.

Happy Mother's Day, all.

If I only could
Be running up that hill
With no problems