I've been a terrible journaller, but to be honest I've been saving up my energy for everyday life, and it leaves little left for this kind of self-indulgence. Fear not, citizens, I am alive. Not well and not whole but alive, and that is something to be thankful for.

At my doctor's behest, I've started to see a psychologist, to sort out all my current frustration and stress. I've been to a few sessions and it's going ok I guess. I have issues with the whole therapy thing but this person seems to not play any of the typical games and is genuinely trying to help me. She also thinks its ludicrous that I've been put on all sorts of pain killers and whatnot because while it is helping yes it is also not helping in that it is not treating the root cause. She's also concerned about my family doctor's laisse-faire attitude about my health these days. There's more, so much more to this, but I really don't feel like blathering on about it here.

The snow has finally hit here and it was like one day there was nothing and then suddenly the ground was covered in white. Welcome to Canada, right? Doesn't mean I have to like it. My parents have already emailed me to gloat about their lovely Mexican weather. If I could afford the holiday (both monetarily and physically) I'd be on the next plane to visit them.

With snow comes thoughts of Christmas. It's going to be a weird time without my parents around this year but I'm sure it'll be fine. I've somehow managed to get finagled into hosting Christmas Day at my house - I have zero energy for this but S has already said he'd do what he could and that we don't have to make it a huge thing and fuck his family if they don't like it, and he thinks they'll understand either way, but again if they don't too bad. I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me to have this man in my corner. He is my rock, my safe harbor in a storm.

I've been knitting up a storm as well - not much else to do when my mobility is limited and I get tired so very easily. I have to put the projects down often, but it's good to know they are there and within reach and portable and easy. When my mom came down during thanksgiving she yoinked a bunch of my yarn, and while at the time I didn't mind, the yarn she took was stuff I actually had in mind for use of making things. Ah well, it's only stuff, and I can get more whenever.

I've been fighting off this hell of a wicked sinus infection (at least I think it is- it's been 3 weeks of pressure and pain in my face and ears - unless it's part of the Super Mystery Science Theater Disease From Hell).

Ok, time to go back to watching more Six Feet Under (a.k.a. Gay Dexter as S calls it) and maybe take a nap before the kids get home from school. Cheers.

I spent most of this afternoon sitting alone on the couch crying into about half a box of kleenex. I am full up and had to empty somehow.

(I got away with this because S was gone to work and the kids were playing some online game - probably Neopets - and were so engrossed that the only thing that they might have noticed was possibly an earthquake or some other catastrophe)

The Top 100 Classical tunes is actually a pretty neat site, when you consider most kids out there aren't really exposed to classical music in the traditional sense and probably don't realize just how many songs they hear in adverts and cartoons etc are decades and decades old.

It also makes me realize how nerdy I am because I could identify most of these without the help of this site, heheh.

Watching the Jeffersons now, and it reminds me (as does Sanford & Son) just how much the comedies of the past got away with.

Ok time to clean up some before heading to work. Ugh. Work has been a real challenge in some ways, but in others it's a different experience in that I just really don't care when people call to push my buttons because theirs have been pushed and it rolls downhill. I just sort of remain this blank slate that doesn't really give two shits that your client is ramming it down your throat - in the grand scheme of things there are much more important things to worry about. Interestingly, this blank calm seems to work on the caller and they tend to slow down and breathe (especially when I say "Hey. Slow down and breathe. Ok, now tell me what is wrong").

As far as medical insanity is concerned - there's too much to talk about and I am not really in the mood. The synopsis is: I remain a mystery of science, and they just keep feeding me different meds to attempt to calm down the symptoms until they can figure out the root cause.

Now I'm going to go listen to Bizet and get myself pumped for another day.

Ciao.

Today is my mother's *mumblemumble*th birthday! She doesn't look a day over 30, good gravy I hope I inherit that! The kids and I called and sang Happy Birthday to her over the phone, which made her cry of course. It doesn't help that Dad is in Canada (!!!) right now getting their paperwork in order so they can FINALLY get their stuff moved down there to Mexico with them. Getting a call from Dad saying he would be over in a few minutes with chicken & buns from the Portuguese restaurant in London was like getting a Christmas present early.

I was so happy and I am so thankful I got to see him. Dad travels a lot, which is funny because he used to complain about how his Dad used to travel lots. I don't begrudge him for it - his kids are grown, the nest is empty, and the only thing to stop him from doing it is himself. But what this means to me is, all those hours and hours that most people take for granted when they get to see their fathers, are boiled down to precious minutes for me. He gave me a huge hug when he saw me and I breathed in his cologne and I was five all over again. He is the most important man in my life aside from my husband, and I cherish whatever time I get with him.

Last night I got to talk to my friend V via Skype. It was so fantastic - we both have webcams so we got to see each other while talking - for FREE. This may not seem like a big deal, but when you consider the fact that I would have paid a kazillion dollars for a 51 minute phone call to the UK, this is a HUGE deal. And you don't have to have a webcam to use it - just a microphone and speakers, or a headset. That's it. Calling from skype to skype is free, calling from skype to a phone is chargeable. But whatever. I'm not a paid advertisement for Skype, I am just happy I got to talk to her, on the internet's dime. That's two really important people in my life that I got to be in contact with in two days. My own little blue heaven.

That may not seem like much, but to me, the way things have been lately, it is everything. Which isn't to say I am not thankful for the people I have daily access to - they are every bit as important to me. All I am really saying here is, I miss the ones who are close to my heart but impossibly far by geographical standards.

Other items on the agenda: You might notice to the right there is a bunch of "Tweets" - that would be my gratuitous use of Twitter which really feeds the lazy in me - when all I want to say is one or two things without doing a whole dang journal entry.

Ok, that's probably enough for now. The pneumonia sucks and woke up this morning with a migraine for extra fun. If it weren't for all the happy I'd be pretty darn sad right now.

My boy is EIGHT today!

He was pretty surprised at his cake.



This morning I made him chocolate chip pancakes with hearts cut into them for breakfast, as per his request. Supper tonight will be sweet n sour meatballs & french fries (also his request. A weird combo but it is tradition that the birthday boy or girl gets to request their meal).



So the short term income people were fucking me over stating I had to start work today for 4 hours. My regular shift is only 5 hours. Huh? How does that equal half a shift, like my fucking doctor wrote on the forms? I talked to the medisys people on Friday and the woman was totally uncool about it - said there was no way that my company would allow for 2.5 hrs and it would HAVE to be four.

So of course I'm upset - I can barely do groceries without needing a nap afterward, whiskey tango foxtrot over.

I called my boss on Friday and he said there was "no way in hell I will allow you to come back in those conditions" and "sit tight, I will handle this" and "the medical insurance company is probably pissed that we are taking the business away from them and giving it to another company" and "DO NOT COME BACK UNTIL I CALL YOU".

I called today and left a message to see what was going on - he called back and said that he was looking into it, that HR agreed with him and said there was no way I should come back all at once, that they could even set it up that I only come back 1 hour and then work my way up slowly at my own pace. And that the medical ins co could suck it. Ha and HA. So he said even if I don't get a call back in enough time today, he would *winkwinknudgenudge* give me hours as if I had (knowing full well that I've on more than one occasion stayed an extra hour and never put it on my time sheet - this is strictly a quid pro quo move on his part).

The only reason he is being so cool about this is because he knows what I am usually like - I'm that person that comes in even though I'm dying, I'm the person that is cool about staying extra time when it's needed, and I'm the person that gets a METRIC FUCKTON of accolades from fellow employees, brokers, and lawyers that call in.

He said he would rather eat glass than see me come in before I am truly ready.

So yeah, basically, health wise, I'm better than I was say 2 months ago, but still not fabulous. I am more or less biting through the pain and trying to get my life back in order. The amitriptyline isn't doing shit for my sleeping, the doctor wants me to go up to 30mg by next week to see if that will work. And during the day I get to suck back the gravol for the dizziness and extra strength advil for the pain and just pray my vision/hearing doesn't go off on me. It isn't much of a solution but what can you do, right?

I've also been set up with "telephone counselling" that may/could eventually turn into "counselling in an actual counsellor's office", depending on my needs. The first call from them was kind of weird, it was this whole "please tell me your life story and the principal characters in it" and the lady on the other side was ok but also went into tangents about herself (which I totally expected to happen - next time you talk to me, ask me what I really think about counselling). It was ok in that I got to complain to a semi-neutral ear, but bad in that, here we go again, I do more listening than talking and feel like I've wasted my time because they aren't really listening, they are pausing until there is a gap and then talking talking talking. Ugh.

Ok, time to go pick out a movie to watch with the kids (read: fall asleep to).

Let the lamp affix its beam.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.

I'm back at square one, with nobody knowing what is wrong with me, and therefore unable to help. I've been put on amitriptyline to help me get some rest at night; unfortunately, it is making me groggy during the day as well. I'm being referred to an ENT specialist, a back specialist, and possibly another neurologist because the first one was - I don't even have words for what he was.

The possibility of my going back to work on modified hours is now looming over me, and I am actually happy about it for the most part. Mentally I need this. I need not only to have something new and outside of myself to focus on, but I need to feel useful. I need to contribute. I'm not the type that likes to sit at home and feel sorry for myself. I am frustrated, yes. I am exasperated, yes. I have been doing my utmost to refrain from complaints because, frankly, complaints aren't worth anybody's time. And they don't get you very far. There are people out there in much greater need of help than I am - I am not so self-centered as to believe the world must spin around me and my worries. Whether I am physically ready for this is another story altogether, but I am nothing if not tough.

In the meantime, the bellows of my lungs continue to pump air through my body, although sometimes they falter. The little muscles and valves in my heart click and pull and do the job they are meant to do, pumping life through me, again only pausing for a break now and again. I keep convincing myself that one day I will wake up, fully functioning, and looking at this as some horrific dream. And every morning, I trick myself into it, until little by little it all comes crashing down. All the king's horses...

MRI results: No tumors, no bleeding. There was an incidental note of retention cyst/polyp in both maxillary sinuses (not something to get all up in arms about though).

Inconclusive otherwise.

I see my neurologist on Monday. My family doctor is frustrated as he has no answers for me.

Me: "What do I do about the excrutiating pain in my head and left side?"

Doctor: "I don't know?" (looking very flummoxed)

Me: "Excellent. That makes two of us."

So I'm to take the amitriptylene at night for now to help me sleep, and just wait it out till I see the neurologist. Just a few more days, right? I shouldn't die before that, right?

I am looking at the silver lining here: No tumors. No internal cranial bleeding. The headaches and severe pain I am having have no basis in something life-threatening, apparently.

Talked to a friend who has MS, she said to wait it out. Her first three MRI's came out clear before she got a diagnosis. She also said at least if there were no lesions/plaques apparent, then if I did have MS, that remyelinization was occuring and that was a *good* sign because it meant I was getting it early. (Earlier diagnoses make for better prognosis - aggressive therapy can stop a lot of the progression in its tracks.) In the end I am not caring much what it is as long as it's treatable and there is an answer for me to bring me back to normal life (whatever that is).

Had an x-ray of my back done this afternoon. That was uneventful, as x-rays go. Won't know results of that until next week.

Um. So yeah. How was your day?

É ingratidao falar mal do vinho
E a provar o que digo
Vamos, meu amigo, a mais um copinho
- Mariza, "Ouça Lá, Ó Senhor Vinho"

Dear whoever this concerns:

I haven't written much lately. I feel like I have poured too much sad and not enough happy, and things are feeling flat. I don't mean for most of my tales to be sad. Truly, I don't. It's just that I'm always told, "Write what you know". It is as simple and as difficult as that. Most of what I write is true, and most of what I write is real, and most of what I write is probably a bad idea.

I still have many stories to share and I don't know where to begin. It is like all these moments are surfacing for me and I want to express them but I already feel so damn exposed here. At the same time I wonder why not? Over time I have peeled myself down, layer by layer. It is all out there if you want it. This is something that has been both painful and cathartic. The knife ever so gracefully poised over my cadaver, waiting to sink into flesh and reveal all the viscera underneath. But I am no longer looking to see who is wielding the scalpel, instead I am itemizing these things, labeling them neatly, presenting my case and stepping back to allow for the words to speak for themselves.

What you don't see is what is happening between the lines. I am really good at playing the bumbling fool. However, the curious (but wholly expected) side effect of playing the fool is that I am never taken very seriously. This is my protective shell - do not allow myself to be seriously considered and then I won't get hurt. When I am cornered into telling it like it is, no fancy analogies or anything, I shuffle my feet abashed and wishing that the focus was on anything but me. People would not believe that I am terribly shy; that I rarely tell the people I love how I really feel about them; that I rarely smile; that I cry and cry until I am dry and then I won't cry for months; that these days I think that I am almost always afraid. I have spent literally decades of my life fooling people into thinking I am unapproachable, like some freaking special unicorn faerie or something. That if you touch me you will find that I disappear into the mists. I am fun but I will hold you at arms length.

I am really tired of pretending that I am ok. I pretend and I pretend and everyone else goes along with it. That is so much better for me than to see their worried glances and sometimes even see their questioning eyes. And I want to be honest here, life has been one long struggle and this past month or so has been more than I can bear at times. So now I am trying to just sort of live day by day, watch the seconds on the clock march in cadence and bring me closer to an answer.

I keep opening and closing my hands. I keep blinking my eyes. I keep feeling my pulse under the surface of my skin and I am grateful for every little beat that pumps through my heart.

"and Eric Stoltz"

Oh man.

Just amusing myself while waiting for the time to leave for the MRI. Wish me luck.

You want to shake your head some? Download Type O Negative's cover of "Summer Breeze". (YouTube has a user-created vid here, if you are curious. The vid is just a montage of Peter Steele and the rest of tha band ad nauseum, but the music is the part I'm talking about anyway.)

So um. I went to doctor again today, because couldn't sleep at all last night. Or for the past forever. Pain like you wouldn't believe. He checked my legs for blood clots (just to be safe) of course found nothing. "Take some advil & tylenol if you are finding it to be too much at night, go easy on the narcotic stuff". Right, because I'm huge on pills.

As I am wide awake, I figured it would be a good project to hook up the Wii to our wireless network. Well what do you know, I am a genius and managed to do it, even remembered the WEP code to allow it access. Now I am waiting a zillion years for it to update as the Wii has been out for quite some time now and we have never updated it.

So.

Recently watched "You Kill Me" again, which is a rather dark "romantic comedy" (I use the term very loosely here - this is not your typical romcom) featuring Sir Ben Kingsley & Téa Leoni. I love them both and it was interesting to see how they interacted with each other. S mentioned that Kingsley's voice sounded really odd in this film - I pointed out that he is playing an alcoholic - and doing it rather well at that. The slur is intentional. If you have a macabre bone or two in your body, you will find parts pretty damn funny. I bought the film used for 4 bucks at the video store a few months ago. For less money than a rental, I can now watch it at my leisure.

Let's see... there are still things I need to update on but my mind is in a ramble bramble sort of mood so I can't really articulate it all at present.

I'm going to try napping, we'll see if my legs & arms cooperate & let me sleep - even if only for a little while.

Itemized for future reference, I will get to this when I'm not falling over exhausted (today's activities especially took a lot of energy from me - I think I managed to fool people into thinking I was ok though).

- 2 packages coming in the mail
- Ibrahima
- doctor's appointment (aka guess who still can't go to work?)
- appointment with the school re: K
- Hammer's visit
- Sir T's visit
- K's upcoming trip to the kid's museum by way of train (I know! How exciting is that?)

I've been a fan of Wil Wheaton for a while, and not just because of his stellar performance in Stand By Me (which is what most people pair him with, if not Star Trek: The Next Generation). In all honesty, I've been a fan of his journalling, and more recently his books. So I yoinked this from his blog:

Classics in Lego

Actually, all of Balakov's photostream is pretty kickass, worth the viewing.

Haven't slept much in the past few days, due to general uncomfortableness (is that a word?) and the raging storms at night. Two nights in a row with severe thunderstorm/tornado warning type material. Whooboy. Welcome to summer!

I watched Bee Movie the other day with my kidlets. They had already seen it at the theatre with their grandparents but I hadn't, so I was more than happy to rent it for them. Afterward came a frank discussion on the importance of bees. The kids were receptive and K and C were pretty upset about the whole Colony Collapse Disorder thing. It's hard to explain this sort of thing to children, so I kept it as simple as possible, and left the conversation pretty open for follow-up questions (which inevitably come at night time when they are supposed to be sleeping).

S kept me up last night because he was all pumped about watching the season 5 finale of CSI. He said it was the best finale he's ever seen, which prompted a long discussion of how much of that was Tarantino's influence, and how much of it was the regular script writers. Then of course I couldn't sleep and I watched Pride & Prejudice because for whatever reason, to me it's the world's greatest sedative, and then of course S couldn't sleep. So we were grumpy at each other, and the end result was my coming downstairs and camping out on the couch watching re-runs of Holmes on Homes (thank you On Demand channel) until I passed out.

Busy week this week. Meeting with the school principal on Thursday to discuss K's educational plan for next year, something that was postponed due to my illness. I'm still not top drawer here but I can hold a conversation for a few minutes at least. Then after that I go see my family doc for my weekly review. Friday is K's school trip, which I had initially signed up for, and I am kind of wishy-washy about whether I will go or not. Friday is also my friend Hammer's birthday - hurrah!

Time to go and get whatever housework done that I can before I get a case of the fatigueishness (I know that isn't a word).

Ciao.

Update: My work has approved paid leave until July 7, in light of current circumstances. This simutaneously pleases and worries me. I don't like not working. It's an illness unto itself - I'm the type that will go mad when I retire if I don't have several time-consuming hobbies in place by then.

Update update: I also find it a hilarious form of serendipity that Mr. Wheaton's post today is about (drumroll) Stand By Me.

So CT & x-ray results? No stone. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. Over.

No explanation for blood in the urine either. Also, fun fact, I lost 6 lbs in 3 days (probably due to my appetite going to almost nada. I'd probably have lost more had my husband not thrust food upon me now and again). I already had an appointment set for this Thursday for my doctor, so I'll just have to wait until then to talk to him about it. What's two more days, right? In the meantime, percocet and gravol are still in steady diet rotation. I do my best to go as long as possible without taking the perc, I hate taking meds.

I'm pretty sure my chronicles here are just further fueling the point with my American friends that socialized medicine can be pretty frightening.

I feel pretty guilty complaining here when there are a kazillion people dead in the East due to natural disasters. I have to think about that - at least I am alive, I have breath in my body with which to complain. All of this may turn out to be nothing, just some weird viral infection and at least I do have access to medical help in some capacity. My family is whole, I am not fretting over where my children are. They don't know what it means to go to bed hungry, to wake up hungry, and to have nothing to fill their bellies. I have a warm bed and clothes on my back. A cupboard full of food. A job that not only pays well, but has supported me through this illness. I need to count these blessings and be thankful.

I went back to the hospital last night with terrible pain in my left side & back, on top of everything else this was a new pain. They took a urine sample & there was blood in my urine (not visible but a blood count there) so the doctor believes I may have a kidney stone on top of every thing else going on (he said my other symptoms are more neurological and I'll have to wait for MRI for that) so today at 4:00 I'm going for a CT scan of my abdomen, they want to see if it is blocking anything or if it is small enough to pass. They gave me more meds, and told me to keep drinking lots, and after the CT they will give me a strainer to catch the stone (how fun is THAT)

Isn't life grand?

You know what would be really awesome? What would be really awesome is if this is really a kidney stone, if passing it would just make everything go away, it would be totally worth it.

If wishes were fishes, right?

on my way to the bathroom (because i go about as often as a pregnant woman these days), i collapsed on the floor again last night. came to, to see S hovering above me looking very very concerned. i couldn't see him at first although i am told i had my eyes open the whole time, and was actually talking to him. i came to with a terrible buzzing noise in my ears and i couldn't feel my legs for a while. S got me up and into bed but neither of us got much sleep. i just didn't feel right no matter what i did, but i refused to go back to the damn hospital. head aching and i couldn't see out of my right eye for a short while. and stabbing stabbity stabbing in my left side, but that might have just been gas, who fucking knows anymore.

saw my family doc today and he managed to get me an MRI for June 19, at about 8 o'clock at night. That really isn't so bad when you consider the regular wait times for them are terrible - i have a friend who has hers scheduled for september, and she made the appointment in january. maybe it depends on your circumstances, but i'm pretty glad i got on the short list. basically there isn't much more he can to for me. he's trying to get the neurologist appointment but so far no luck - because my testing results were ambiguous or clear (dude i don't even want to go into how many times i've been poked with a needle - heroin addicts have less holes) some neurologists will not bother, however my symptoms are not getting better. i have some good points of the day but for the most part i'm buggered.

on the positive: i may get out of jury duty due to my illness. here's hoping.

ok, nap time. i feel like such a tool from being so fatigued. i guess i will have to get used to it.

I've posted this elsewhere, I forgot to post here. Those of you who read it elsewhere can ignore this. It occurred to me that not everyone is privy to the other posting, and since some of you have been asking, I felt it was time to give you an update.

Here are some things.



Ok, here goes: As for how I am faring, I WAS doing well as far as getting better last week, then I had another episode that landed me back in the hospital (I've been there a few times now, beginning of April I had pneumonia & bronchial infection, back to work for a week and then back off work). Here is the story of what happened.

On Monday the 28 April, I ended up collapsing on the floor with a severe headache and pain/tingling on my left side. Initially I figured it was a migraine (which I am prone to) but it persisted beyond anything I was accustomed to. It felt like I was hit by lightning, and no matter what I did I couldn't get comfortable or lessen the pain. I had a friend drive me to the hospital. They ran some tests, among them a CT scan, and then 2 doctors attempted a lumbar puncture (Spinal tap). Neither was successful and ended up giving more pain than good - bruised, they kept hitting the spinal column, and poked me a bunch of times before I finally begged them to stop. I wanted to go home, they said if I went it was AMA, and then filled an IV with something to help me sleep. They kept me overnight until the head of the ER department could see me the next morning. She came in and managed to successfully do the procedure, I barely felt it. But the damage had been done. While the lumbar puncture came out clear (a good sign - they were concerned of aneurysm or possibly meningitis, they did a full run of testing on me) the fact of the matter is the botched attempts traumatized my body.

My family doctor wasn't sure at that point if it's the original issue, a third issue, or if I'm suffering from post botched lumbar trauma, but he is pretty adamant about me not going back until he says so. I'm supposed to and allowed to get up and out for a bit each day but I'm supposed to rest when I feel the pain surging (which it inevitably does after about 45 minutes of me sitting up and pretending I'm ok) and it's completely frustrating for me. He also figures since I'm only just recently recovering from pneumonia/bronchial infection, that my symptoms are taking longer to heal than they typically would. I'm only just now noticing the IV bruises going away, and they gave those to me several weeks ago so there you go.

I ended up back in the hospital the next night because I was still in pain. They hooked me up to toradol and then sent me home next morning, and then I threw up all the next two days and I couldn't keep anything down, not even water. I had to pee constantly which also contributed to the dehydrated feelings.

On the bright side I didn't/don't have an aneurysm which was the whole point in them sticking a giant needle up my back in the first place. I'm pretty mad at the hospital and my husband took pictures, counted about 7-9 holes where the first two doctors butchered me. He has half a mind to file a formal complaint.

I suffered from severe symptoms of lp trauma, including headache, vision disturbance, nausea, ear pain, and my left side was still in agony. When I saw my family doctor a few days later, after not being able to keep any food down or in, he said it was difficult to discern if I was still suffering from the initial symptoms or if it was still the lp stuff. He put me off any work or any thing for that matter, and suggested lots of bed rest.

So then on Mother's Day after taking my mom out for brunch (my first outing in 2 weeks) I got back to her house and basically threw it all up again. My left leg was killing me and my left arm and back were hurting and tingling. I took some advil and whatnot and instead of getting better, I started to feel worse. After a few hours I finally begged my husband to take me back to the hospital. The head of ER happened to be there again (this will have been my third visit now in 2 weeks) and she ran more tests. The end result is they still don't know what is wrong with me and she is going to work with my family doctor to get me a neurologist as soon as possible. She did some weird tests where she would touch various parts of my arms and legs with both blunt and pointy things, cold and hot things, and noted some loss of sensitivity on my left side. I couldn't discern between pokey and blunt with my eyes closed, nor cold & hot. She made me try to walk a straight line one foot after the other, and I was completely unbalanced. She is suggesting the possibility of MS, if not another neurological issue. I'd need an MRI for that, but it takes time to get one here. My family doctor up to this point has been entertaining the idea of inner ear issues, but this new information may blow that out of the water. I've since been feeling the numbness sort of taking its turns, my hands then my feet then my face for a while, and my back really really hurts. And I have to pee like, all the damn time. And my eyes get blurry and my balance is messed up. And the back of my head hurts. And sometimes my ears feel like they are full.

I'm just really tired and I'm tired of being tired. I'm doing my best to get better, I'm hoping the doctor will maybe entertain the idea of me coming back to work on shorter hours at first until I am 100%. Here's hoping. In the meantime I'm stuck with fuzzy thinking and a body that doesn't want to work the way I need it to.

It's now May 21 and it is cold outside. Last night I saw a few flakes of snow fall.

I'm going to see my family doctor again on Thursday, I'm hoping he will approve me going back to work for short hours at first, letting me build back up to my full hours. I have a feeling he is going to say no, but I am going to try anyway. Because frankly I am completely frustrated and I just want to be able to get up and go and do things and not be so tired and hurt. Really what I want is to see a specialist, see someone who is actually capable of telling me what is wrong. A diagnosis means at least they'll know how to fix me. I don't know. It's sort of like a marathon runner, and one day they break their leg. They want to keep getting back up on their leg and they can't. But the doctors don't know what's wrong with their leg, so they just pump them with pain killers and tell them to sit the hell down. But who's going to race? They need to get up and run, dammit!

I don't really expect anybody to understand what is going on, because I barely understand it myself. I don't expect anybody to care. I'm not the type that likes to milk being sick, I leave that for other people. I am the type that goes to work sick anyway, that schedules six events in the same day, that juggles the lives of 3 other people in a household and still manages to eke out a little time for me. I try not to think about what is happening to me, because frankly it is a little frightening. I don't like going numb for no reason, I don't like having shooting pains in my legs and arms, feeling like my back is going to break. I don't like feeling off-balance, feeling mentally fuzzy. I don't like feeling exhausted. I have never felt this way before and I don't like it. Sadly enough I'd rather go back to just having migraines, at least I could deal with it and carry on.

I think that's enough for now.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday, Stephen Colbert!

I'll have an update on what has been going on with me health-wise later on. It's too much to explain and frankly I don't have much energy for it, as I just got back from my doc's office and I'm feeling the meds finally start to kick in.

This Friday is C's 10th birthday. Where the hell did 10 years go? And who gave her permission to up and grow some curves? What happened to my baby? Dammit.

Something I need to be thankful for is all the support I've received, you know who you are. I owe you a million.

Happened last night.

S: (watching but not watching the television at my parents' house, while we were trying to fix mom's computer) - So wait, how long do these (US) elections go for anyway?

me: The democratic elections?

S: No I mean the one to elect the president.

me: That election isn't until November.

S: So what the hell are they doing now?

me: Determining who will represent the Democratic party.

S: I thought this was the real deal here. I thought Clinton & Obama were running against each other to be the next president.

me: Uh. Sort of, but no. John McCain is representing the Republican party, it was more or less a no-brainer there, but because people are divided between Obama & Clinton, it's taking longer to determine who would best represent the Democratic party. But in the end it will probably be down to the superdelegates to determine who will win over the Dems, because the race has been so close.

S: So what you're telling me is, they are having an election to determine who they get to vote for? But the people's voices only count for so much, and in the end it won't really matter anyway?

me: That's about it, yeah.

S: That seams really, uh... stupid and wasteful? They're spending all kinds of money and time just so they can do it all again afterward?

me: I don't know, I'm not a US citizen, I barely understand it myself!

S (after a few minutes): I - I just can't believe they're wasting everyone's time and money on this.

(He spends the next few minutes talking about how he thinks Clinton is a bit too shrewish to be the president, but Obama would have more crazies trying to kill him, and that sadly he thinks all this race to be a democratic rep will be for naught because the US will fuck it up and vote McCain into power anyway).

So we're clear here - I'm not heavy into politics. I never have been. My understanding of politics outside my own country is minimal at best, so I found it really amusing that he got all up in arms about it. You can feel free to vent about whatever here, but I'll probably either not understand it, or ignore it. Just putting that out there in advance.

Ok time for a short nap before work. The pneumonia is still lingering and on top of that a bronchial infection. It's making work incredibly long and tiring, but c'est la guerre, right?

Still alive, sort of.

So I have this Metisse song stuck in my head and it won't go away. The culprit behind it is watching the first season of "Dead Like Me" again. I really liked that show and I'm sorry it was cancelled - that seems to happen with shows I like so maybe I should start pretending to hate Dexter and Mad Men. Anyway, it's all I've been doing in between sleeping and semi-functioning as a mother to my kids. Stupid pneumonia/sickness/whatever just kicked me in the rear and is running amok in me. I'm on a freaking puffer for crying out loud - that's how bad the breathing has been. I have to see my doc again on Weds & see about going back to work - I'm just exhausted but I need to go back and I hope he says yes.

As a result of this pneumonia I have had to reschedule the battery of tests I was supposed to take at a hospital in another city (because it's the earliest I could go) and now I'm fucked over for another few months.

Um. What else. I'm too tired to think. That's nothing new, but I'm just putting it out there. The weather has been terrific outside and I've been too ill to enjoy it. There are flowers budding all over the place and that saucy Robin that knocks on our back window every year for crumbs should be showing up any day now. Everything is shouting "It's spring! It's spring!" and I could care less. That is probably the saddest thing I've thought in a while.

Who wants to start building me a bionic body?