I've been a terrible journaller, but to be honest I've been saving up my energy for everyday life, and it leaves little left for this kind of self-indulgence. Fear not, citizens, I am alive. Not well and not whole but alive, and that is something to be thankful for.

At my doctor's behest, I've started to see a psychologist, to sort out all my current frustration and stress. I've been to a few sessions and it's going ok I guess. I have issues with the whole therapy thing but this person seems to not play any of the typical games and is genuinely trying to help me. She also thinks its ludicrous that I've been put on all sorts of pain killers and whatnot because while it is helping yes it is also not helping in that it is not treating the root cause. She's also concerned about my family doctor's laisse-faire attitude about my health these days. There's more, so much more to this, but I really don't feel like blathering on about it here.

The snow has finally hit here and it was like one day there was nothing and then suddenly the ground was covered in white. Welcome to Canada, right? Doesn't mean I have to like it. My parents have already emailed me to gloat about their lovely Mexican weather. If I could afford the holiday (both monetarily and physically) I'd be on the next plane to visit them.

With snow comes thoughts of Christmas. It's going to be a weird time without my parents around this year but I'm sure it'll be fine. I've somehow managed to get finagled into hosting Christmas Day at my house - I have zero energy for this but S has already said he'd do what he could and that we don't have to make it a huge thing and fuck his family if they don't like it, and he thinks they'll understand either way, but again if they don't too bad. I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me to have this man in my corner. He is my rock, my safe harbor in a storm.

I've been knitting up a storm as well - not much else to do when my mobility is limited and I get tired so very easily. I have to put the projects down often, but it's good to know they are there and within reach and portable and easy. When my mom came down during thanksgiving she yoinked a bunch of my yarn, and while at the time I didn't mind, the yarn she took was stuff I actually had in mind for use of making things. Ah well, it's only stuff, and I can get more whenever.

I've been fighting off this hell of a wicked sinus infection (at least I think it is- it's been 3 weeks of pressure and pain in my face and ears - unless it's part of the Super Mystery Science Theater Disease From Hell).

Ok, time to go back to watching more Six Feet Under (a.k.a. Gay Dexter as S calls it) and maybe take a nap before the kids get home from school. Cheers.

Let the lamp affix its beam.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.

I'm back at square one, with nobody knowing what is wrong with me, and therefore unable to help. I've been put on amitriptyline to help me get some rest at night; unfortunately, it is making me groggy during the day as well. I'm being referred to an ENT specialist, a back specialist, and possibly another neurologist because the first one was - I don't even have words for what he was.

The possibility of my going back to work on modified hours is now looming over me, and I am actually happy about it for the most part. Mentally I need this. I need not only to have something new and outside of myself to focus on, but I need to feel useful. I need to contribute. I'm not the type that likes to sit at home and feel sorry for myself. I am frustrated, yes. I am exasperated, yes. I have been doing my utmost to refrain from complaints because, frankly, complaints aren't worth anybody's time. And they don't get you very far. There are people out there in much greater need of help than I am - I am not so self-centered as to believe the world must spin around me and my worries. Whether I am physically ready for this is another story altogether, but I am nothing if not tough.

In the meantime, the bellows of my lungs continue to pump air through my body, although sometimes they falter. The little muscles and valves in my heart click and pull and do the job they are meant to do, pumping life through me, again only pausing for a break now and again. I keep convincing myself that one day I will wake up, fully functioning, and looking at this as some horrific dream. And every morning, I trick myself into it, until little by little it all comes crashing down. All the king's horses...

MRI results: No tumors, no bleeding. There was an incidental note of retention cyst/polyp in both maxillary sinuses (not something to get all up in arms about though).

Inconclusive otherwise.

I see my neurologist on Monday. My family doctor is frustrated as he has no answers for me.

Me: "What do I do about the excrutiating pain in my head and left side?"

Doctor: "I don't know?" (looking very flummoxed)

Me: "Excellent. That makes two of us."

So I'm to take the amitriptylene at night for now to help me sleep, and just wait it out till I see the neurologist. Just a few more days, right? I shouldn't die before that, right?

I am looking at the silver lining here: No tumors. No internal cranial bleeding. The headaches and severe pain I am having have no basis in something life-threatening, apparently.

Talked to a friend who has MS, she said to wait it out. Her first three MRI's came out clear before she got a diagnosis. She also said at least if there were no lesions/plaques apparent, then if I did have MS, that remyelinization was occuring and that was a *good* sign because it meant I was getting it early. (Earlier diagnoses make for better prognosis - aggressive therapy can stop a lot of the progression in its tracks.) In the end I am not caring much what it is as long as it's treatable and there is an answer for me to bring me back to normal life (whatever that is).

Had an x-ray of my back done this afternoon. That was uneventful, as x-rays go. Won't know results of that until next week.

Um. So yeah. How was your day?

Today I:

- Managed to get the kids to school on time, in spite of all of us sleeping in.
- Got out of having to actually answer the phones by offering to take training on a certain aspect of the job I haven't learned yet
- Had to borrow the fil's car in order to get a friend from work so she could come over and make a soup to be judged tomorrow for entry into the "Soup's On" thing
- Comforted my daughter resonably when on the way to fil's house she tripped and fell all over herself, getting mud all over her new jacket and favorite jeans.
- Got the friend from work and got to show the kids my workplace. They were delighted that I had not only their photos up, but little things they had drawn for me were on display as well. It is one of those things that drive the point home to them that even when I'm at work I'm probably thinking of them.
- Made some kick-ass garlic cream soup. I can't even tell you how awesome it is.
- Disbursed a great sweet n' sour sauce recipe
- Got in a huge fight with my son when it was time to take friend home, as he wanted to finish watching a show. The words "I hate you" and "I wish you would disappear" came out of this boy's mouth. A bar of soap was considered for entry into said mouth but I decided to let it go. When we got home he mentioned he had had a really bad day and was tired and sorry and didn't really mean anything he said, etc etc. Man oh man. I didn't expect to hear that until they were into their teens. Isn't parenting fun?
- Got home and ignored the dishes in favor of sitting down with the kids and a book. Showers already had and pajamas on, you could see the remnants of a cruddy evening just uncoiling from them and releasing.

The really big thing I did all by myself:

- I managed to configure our wireless router so that all PCs in the house are now connected wirelessly. I also managed to set up an encryption for the wireless access in order to prevent others from reaping the benefits of our connection. I did this all by myself, within about an hour. I don't want to tell you how long today my S tried to get all this done. It was enough hours that a lot of swears were said when I told him I had it all figured out and working.

As a result, I am typing this from the comfort of my bed. Hurraz for progress, I guess.

Ok, time to finish up the last bits of GIR so I can stuff it and give it to sisterinlaw. Cheers~

Currently making a couple dozen butter tarts. I hope 2 dozen is ok - I figure there will be lots at the bake sale and I'm too tired to put myself out any further - it's been a very long, very stressful few weeks and I can't really put forth any more effort than I already have. Last week was report card week and the parent-teacher meetings left me drained and crying. It's too long to get into here and frankly not something I feel the need to publicly air (shocking, I know). If you are curious then you'll know how to get a hold of me to find out what is going on.

Tomorrow night is a council meeting because yet again they had to reschedule. If it keeps going on Monday nights I'm going to have to quit because it conflicts with my schedule BIG TIME. Sigh.

Ok I need to go do more things. Because I have a zillion on my plate and hopefully want to pare it down to a million by the end of the night.

I don't know what to do with K anymore. Third note home since November 5th with regards to his being rough and picking on, of all people, his best friend. All three incidents involved his friend, all three incidents he "said he was sorry" and had to go to the principal. I have no fucking idea what to do with him as our typical punishments don't seem to be getting through.

What really makes me irate is that just this morning, he and I had a long talk about his behavior and he PROMISED he would behave. Promised me like there was no tomorrow. So imagine my surprise when I find at the bottom of his school bag (which was soaking wet for the third time in a row because yet again, he didn't put his water bottle in his lunch bag and also left the damn bottle open) another note from his teacher explaining that, yet again, he has done something not very nice to his friend. This time around he threw snow down his friend's coat and hat. Last time he had pushed his friend into a block of ice. The time before, oh god I can't even remember.

I was so mad I was crying. I'm at my wit's end and have no idea how to get it through to him, that if he continues to behave this way, a few not so nice things will happen. First he will lose every last one of his friends. Nobody likes a bully. Second, he'll probably get suspended or expelled. Thirdly... I don't even want to think about it. The path he is walking is not a good one. And it just kills me because he is such a good boy, deep down, and has such a good heart, and I don't know where all of this aggression is coming from. He says he just can't control himself sometimes and this is what he does to let out whatever is in him. I say he needs to learn and real damn quick son because: my wit's end? Yeah. I'm there.

So I'm at a point where, do I do the thing I really don't want to do, and not give him the main thing he really wants for Christmas, to teach him something? Or do I try and figure out something else? My dad would say just tan his hide until he can't sit for a week, and while in a way I'm tempted, it would just be sending the kid the worst kind of mixed message.

I don't know. And I'm so upset, and I'm embarrassed because I really like the family of his friend, and there are only so many phone calls I can make to apologise before even I don't want to hear it anymore. What do I do? I don't know. I don't know. The only thing I can do right now is cry. I'm so frustrated.

Been a while since I've heard a Depeche Mode song. Hrm.

So I overslept and was in a mad rush this morning to get the kids off to school. I managed to do so, thank goodness. Then I went out and got them some Easter goodies. I actually found a skip-it with a bona fide strawberry full of beads at the end of it. God bless the Dollarama. C is going to have kittens when she sees it. They also had nerf-like rocket launchers so I got one for K.

Sped home, took a shower, cursed because blowdryer is dead and I had to tie my hair up in a bun because it was still wet. Air conditioning was on at the office, so I froze my bitties off. Funny thing - took the bun out of my hair just now, and there are still wet parts. Hair smells like Johnson's no more tears shampoo. This is not by accident.

It snowed a little today which is completely depressing, but I'll get over it.

MIL's birthday is on Saturday and FIL is planning a surprise dinner for her. I'm glad for FIL's thoughtfulness but also think what the hell - she bitched for us not to have a dinner for her last year, then bitched about it afterward that we never held one. Um. You can't have it both ways lady. Anyway. S has bought her a card and not much else - I have no idea what to do but I can't afford to go out and buy her anything. It's his effing mother, I'm tired of doing all the gift shopping for his family, but what really burns my ass is that if he neglects to pick something up, somehow it is going to be my fault. Le sigh.

I still can't believe it's almost Easter.

Sometimes my job really irritates me. Or rather, the people I deal with on the phone irritate me. I'm sorry that you fucked up. I'm sorry that I refuse to take the blame for it. I'm sorry that you aren't willing to try at least one of the 3 resolutions I suggest and provide for you on a platter. Click. Bang.

But the nice thing is, I come home, and it's forgotten, and I don't care.

I was never able to say that about my previous job, as anyone who's kept up with this blog or spoken to me can attest. I was a shadow of a person there, completely lost. Completely.

I've felt the itch to write more things of late. This is good, and something I haven't felt in a long while.

I have had a very hard, very hurtful, very sad few days. I really, really want to get it all out but putting it down here just seems ridiculous. I already open up about just so much and this is still too raw and personal for me. Not to mention the details can be quite icky.

Without being too enigmatic hopefully, I can say that after so many doctor visits, and needle jabbings, and machine xray takings, and sufferings, I think I've had enough for the year. Any further medical interruptions would make me go over quota, to be sure.

The lady who takes lunch orders for the school came by today with a card and some flowers. She called earlier in the day, ended up on the tail end of a crying jag on my part, got what was going on out of me, and came over to see if I needed anything and if I was okay. It was so damn nice that I started to cry again - heh. She understood completely having gone through some similar things, and being a nurse to boot she knew what was going on without my having to explain myself.

The small surprising kindnesses that are bestowed upon a person when they least expect it and certainly need it most just reaffirms my belief in angels and higher powers sending you what you need, even if you don't know you need it yet.

On the bright side I can now see why I was going through such emotional rollercoaster over the past little while. If any of you were subjected to my wild mood swings or general crabbiness and complaints about things that normally would not bother me (I swear), please accept my heartfelt apologies - you know who you are.

Ok. Time to go lay down and watch something mind-numbing. Hopefully that decorating show with the two gay lads from the UK is on - they just crack me up.