Hahah.

You know what I hate? When I am not given enough information to perform the one thing that needs to be performed today, and all the people that would be available to give me said information have fallen off the planet, and I have to do it TODAY, motherfookers, and no, I have no choice in the matter.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Ok so today I woke up and it sounded like my ears were under water. Is this how fish hear? That totally sucks.

For some reason I now have the song "It's raining men" stuck in my head, probably because I flicked through channels last night and Bridget Jones was on the telly and it was the scene where the guys fight. I dunno. The song just makes me laugh though.

Ok it's time to get my ass in gear and get ready for work, and hopefully get an answer sometime TODAY so I can get myself to the post office. Grrrrrr.

C dropped the bomb to K about our trip this morning. This resulted in a few tears, until I helped K figure out a "boys only" itinerary for when C and I are gone. He's excited at the idea of spending time just him and Daddy, so I'm going to have to have a talk with S tonight to make it happen. Not that S neglects our kids or anything, but I want S to understand that K will have expectations for their alone time, and he'd better be prepared for that.

The Walk for MS is coming up soon. I should probably get around to setting up online pledges or something. I'm typically a slacker in that department but this year I need to get my act together. It just seems like just that one more thing on top of a million other things that are just sapping my energy right now, and I don't know what to do with that. I may just end up donating lots to my friend SM or to my cousin V as they are both participating in the actual walk, whereas I'm just volunteering behind the scenes.

I feel light-headed. Hooray for Sinutab.

Ok, time to shovel the end of my driveway. Stupid snowmachinethinger.

Don't you hate it when you're in the middle of a dream and something wakes you up and you grasp at it like straw and it sifts through your fingers? And you spend most of the morning thinking you've missed something important. Yeah I hate that too.

Planned a trip to Toronto w/my mother & daughter. We're spending the weekend at the Royal York and shopping. C is just tickled pink and frankly I'm pretty happy at the prospect as well. We're taking the train down and back, which is also exciting for her as she's never been on a train before. We're going down the weekend of the 10th of March, this should be a good kick-off to her March break.

The kids saw Bridge to Terabithia yesterday with my motherinlaw. They both liked it very much and played Terabithia in the backyard all afternoon.

Ok time to get to work or somesuch.

I'm not much one to watch reality shows, but I must confess I have been watching American Idol. Here's the thing. I really love Simon. Why? Because he's honest. If he says you suck, chances are you probably do.

Blake Lewis the beatbox dude covered Keane's "Somewhere Only We Know" the other night and I have to say I was pretty impressed. Out of all the male performances that night his was the only one that made me think "wow, that guy's pretty good". Chris Sligh is pretty good but he has to learn to not sing ahead of the music. The female performances the next night knocked the boys out of the park. Seriously. Lakisha Jones could be the next Aretha. Melinda Doolittle is also pretty awesome, ditto Gina Glockson.

Maybe I like American Idol because I love music. I tend to not watch it until the preliminaries are done though. It is troublesome to me, the way they parade people who can't sing and are being earnest in front of the 3 judges who then dissect and make fun of them. I realize that the show is pandering to the wishes of the American public, and that is something that is even more troublesome when you think on it.

The other show I really love is Hell's Kitchen. Chef Gordon Ramsay is such a cheeky blighter, and his challenges can be pretty intense. I've been watching reruns of the last season on the "uncensored" version which is pretty damn funny. Luckily it's on after the kids are in bed, or they'd have a pretty colorful vocabulary paraded before them.

I've had a doozy of a cold this week, which culminated in my being off work yesterday. I still feel like hell today but am going to be stupid and drag myself in, even if I get sent home later at least they'll see I tried. I know that's pretty ridiculous thinking but intent is a powerful thing and as I've missed a lot of work recently due to, um, medical procedures, I'd rather not push my luck.

Ok, time to go take a mini-nap before dragging myself in. Later taters.

So I got tagged by Hammer to write six weird things about myself. I feel rather limited only being able to post six, but here goes:

1. When I was a kid, I used to take a small dessert bowl, fill it with ketchup, and then take some bread, and break it in pieces, and dip it in the ketchup. This was literally my favorite snack.

2. I have this thing where I rub my feet together a certain amount of times before going to sleep. Drives S nuts though he's grown accustomed to it.

3. I have this innate fear of clowns. Seriously. I avoid circuses at all costs because of it (although there is the added issue of animal cruelty that helps me make the decision to avoid them)

4. All the closets in my house have to be shut before I can go to sleep. I have no idea why.

5. I've never tasted Avocado. Not even guacamole style. Ditto mango. For whatever reason I just feel an aversion towards these foods.

6. I used to be terrified of the television show Fraggle Rock. The muppets just look really menacing to me.

Ok so I'm supposed to tag people or something. You can just post your answers in the comments I guess, or blog it if you have one, or email? I dunno. You know how these things go. Lola, Jackie, Christina, Lometa, Meatball, Factgirl.

I drink much more than I ought to drink
Because it brings me back you...

I've had a strong craving to get very, very drunk, if only so that I can shut everything off for a while. Went back to yoga yesterday after taking a break last time around - my body was still in too much pain then. Yesterday was no different and I found myself having to take breaks between positions as my hips and lower belly region are still tender. Sisterinlaw was there as well and we went out for a light meal afterward, and then I hung out at her house a while. Talked a little, cried a little. She's also going through some rough things right now - March is a very hard time of year for her as she is still putting to paid her grief over her ex's death. I'm trying to think of something to do for her, take her to some distraction. We'll see.

A friend of mine is getting married in August - the 25th, to be exact, which is my father's birthday. While I'm happy for her, at the same time I think she's crazy to be planning it so soon - especially since she's marrying a Portuguese lad. You need at LEAST a year to plan those types of weddings. Part of the reason they are planning so soon however is because she is wanting to have another child, but wants to be married first. Her son from her first marriage will probably be terribly put out about that - he was more or less King of the Mountain all this time, and has had some trouble adjusting to two new step-siblings. A new baby in the mix would be pretty disconcerting, although in my deep down parts I admit that it (and a good spanking) is something he has had coming for a while now. This kid is trouble with a capital T - mostly because my friend lets him do whatever he wants and lets him walk all over her because she doesn't want to discipline him. Her first husband was pretty abusive and in her mind discipline = abuse - I'm sorry, but for some kids the corner isn't enough. Especially if you don't enforce it. What's hilarious is, she's a babysitter full time. She has no issue whatsoever with the kids she babysits - enforces good behavior, puts them in corners or timeouts or whatever - it's just her own kid.

I finished M's baby blanket, brought it to her and she loves it of course. She's getting antsy - only 6 weeks to go! I'm excited for her, but it's a little bittersweet. I choke that part of me down, because practical me knows things turned out the way they did for very good reason.

I am going stir crazy though. I need to get OUT - and can't really because S is on afternoon shift this week again, and while I could take the kids with me (and frequently do) I need ME time very badly.

C started taking violin lessons a couple weeks ago. She's actually pretty good at it, and about it. She practices every day without any prompting; partially I think it's because she wants to catch up to her friend's level. The teacher is super nice, and clearly knows what she's doing. Her methods make sense to a degree - Suzuki teaching is a much different structure to anything I've really been exposed to, but the theory is solid.

Hey you know what? I'm tired.

And yes, I'm aware that I complain too much.

Also, for an odd change, my email inbox yielded no new messages this weekend. Kind of creepy actually.

We got more snow than we know what to do with. I had to shovel the driveway twice yesterday morning - a daunting task at the best of times, but considering my current medical issues, it was damn hard and hurty. S was sleeping at the time being on the late shift this week, and I didn't have the heart to wake him. Eventually a neighbor took pity on me and helped shovel out what the plow had done to the end of my drive. K tried to help too with his little plastic shovel - I give the kid A for effort.

I'm so tired these days - my sleep schedule is all a-kilter.

I'm also sick and tired of snow.

I once wrote something about it, also in February. It's as true now as it was then...

I'm tired of the cold. I want lemonade and flopsy shoes and little umbrellas in my drinks.

I take it back. I want one further. I want twiddling toes in grassy knolls and laying on the sweet grass looking for four leaf clovers. I want the sun kissing my shoulders and the warm winds. I want daisy chains and lazy bees and the smell of rain.

I want one further. I want warm rain storms and running through them shrieking and feeling alive. I want chalk on the pavement and skipping because I can.

Fresh cut grass and running through sprinklers. Hearing the kids on their bikes with cards attached to the spokes. Tapoketa-poketa-poketa. Barbecue smells from the neighbors. Baby frogs in the garden. Crickets in the evenings.

I want one further. I want the stars so bright they make me breathless. Lying on the ground and staring up at them and wishing. And wishing.

Swinging on swings, legs dangling and tossing myself up so high I can almost fly. I want the air through my hair as I swing to the clouds. I want sunshine and wildflowers and sandy feet.

Rubber shoes on the pavement, thump thump thump as they run by. Children laughing. Popsicles dribbling down my arm as my mouth tries to beat the sun at consuming them. I want one further. I want the smell of fresh lilacs growing outside my window, breezing in. I want comfort. I want home.

So I've been given the ok to go back to work. This makes me happy sort of, as I am one of those types that doesn't like not working, but sad sort of, because I'm still not over some things yet. I have a lot of thinking to do; the doctor is now discussing the possibility of a uterine ablation at some point. I don't really want to get into how and why we got to this point - suffice it to say, I have a lot of thinking to do.

I'm kind of nervous about going back into work tomorrow. It's not like returning from a holiday or a bit of the flu; I've been gone long enough for fellow employees to start speculating, and wondering, and talking amongst themselves. The one girl I get along with quite well, whom I shall call Rose from this point forward for my own devious reasons, actually went so far as to track down my phone number on Friday and call me in between calls at work. I explained briefly what was happening, knowing full well she would keep it to herself. In an office of 500 people, gossip can be (IS) rampant and finding someone who doesn't share information is pretty damn rare. She was pretty empathetic, wished me well and reminded me she'd be on holiday this week but if I needed anything to let her know.

Aside from Rose however there are some pretty bad gossips, one who sits right behind me and constantly pokes and prods me (literally), asks too many questions, and doesn't like that most of my answers are brief. I'm sorry but I know that whatever I tell you is going to be known by the general public in the matter of a day or two. I don't need it and don't want it and I'm prepared to tell her to go to hell politely but I'm hoping it doesn't get to that point.

I just finished baking chocolate chip banana muffins. K gets to bring one or two to the school for a snack swap they are doing on Valentine's day. Hopefully things go well for him - he has a particular person in mind, and is hoping he won't have to figure out someone else if they get chosen already. Both kids finished writing their Valentines over the weekend. They're pretty cute about it - very particular about who gets what Valentine.

Ok. I need to get them started settling down, maybe play a game with them before bedtime. Hug them to death and be thankful God gave them to me.

If the doctor gives me the ok today I'll be back in to work tomorrow. I'm pretty sure he'll be ok with it but a little part inside me worries.

I'm too tired right now to post more, but rest assured: I am alive, and while not completely whole, I'll be ok eventually.

I have had a very hard, very hurtful, very sad few days. I really, really want to get it all out but putting it down here just seems ridiculous. I already open up about just so much and this is still too raw and personal for me. Not to mention the details can be quite icky.

Without being too enigmatic hopefully, I can say that after so many doctor visits, and needle jabbings, and machine xray takings, and sufferings, I think I've had enough for the year. Any further medical interruptions would make me go over quota, to be sure.

The lady who takes lunch orders for the school came by today with a card and some flowers. She called earlier in the day, ended up on the tail end of a crying jag on my part, got what was going on out of me, and came over to see if I needed anything and if I was okay. It was so damn nice that I started to cry again - heh. She understood completely having gone through some similar things, and being a nurse to boot she knew what was going on without my having to explain myself.

The small surprising kindnesses that are bestowed upon a person when they least expect it and certainly need it most just reaffirms my belief in angels and higher powers sending you what you need, even if you don't know you need it yet.

On the bright side I can now see why I was going through such emotional rollercoaster over the past little while. If any of you were subjected to my wild mood swings or general crabbiness and complaints about things that normally would not bother me (I swear), please accept my heartfelt apologies - you know who you are.

Ok. Time to go lay down and watch something mind-numbing. Hopefully that decorating show with the two gay lads from the UK is on - they just crack me up.

i came home early. hurt hurt hurt hurty hurt. stupid ovaries.

gonna die now.

k thx.

C dreamed she was being chased by a mountain lion last night. And then she and her friends were fighting it, and she got blood on her clothes, and had to change, and then went in a car, and met a person who she discovered was her long lost brother. And then they fought over who got this big sweater. And then she woke up.

I'm throwing my knitting forays elsewhere for now. It'll mostly be just my own nattering about projects with photos of progress - for my own amusement more than anyone else's, so nobody is beholden to reading that crap.

Cable guy is supposed to come today.

I have things to do, and not enough time to do them, so I'd best be off.

I'm curious to hear Rammstein's version of Depeche Mode's "Stripped". Hmmm.

I caved and ordered cable. The deal was too good to pass up - free hook-up, up to 5 cable outlets, seventy bajillion channels and the family package for like, uh, cheap. Way way cheaper than the regular pricing. Plus, because I already have other products with Rogers I get an extra discount on my bill, hurrah! With everything I have it's 15% off the bill - basically tax, plus a little. I can handle that.

Going to voga again this morning, I woke up at 6:30 thinking it was 9:30 and then couldn't get back to sleep of course. Everyone else was down and out so what did I do? I straightened my hair. That took about an hour and then K was up and S too. C is usually last to get up - she likes her sleep. She only just poked her head out of bed a few minutes ago.

Not sure what to make for breakfast, wondering if I should wait until after I'm done. Hmm. It's note till 10:30, I figure some toast will be ok. I considered going to mass this morning but my mind just isn't in it right now. I'm such a terrible Catholic.

I've lost about 12 lbs now. I can't really tell - S says you can see it round the middling parts - but I probably can't tell because I see myself every day, right?

I'm less stressed about this whole school council treasury bit - it looks like we are going to be ok with the playground situation, and the tax portions are just about done. Now that I've done it once I'll be fine for next year, unless someone else is crazy enough to take the position over. Which I highly doubt.

Sorely tempted to purchase size 50 needles from Lion Brand - they're massive needles and are for quick projects - you could probably knit a scarf in about a half hour with these puppies. They have some lovely chenille yarn as well... hmm... I should probably focus on finishing the baby blanket (I set it aside because of all the tax/accounting stuff, and then some other family things) but it doesn't hurt to purchase ahead and have it ready for when I'm done.

I have a massive basket full of different yarns though. Some of it is extras (I tend to buy one or two more than patterns call for, just to be safe) and I figure that's good since C has taken an interest; there's plenty for her to work with. S just laughs when I come home with more. He knows I will put it to good use so he never pesters me - he just finds my yarn neediness funny. I told him it's like my thing with shoes and purses - you can never have too many.

Ok. Time to brush snow off the car (my hubby was a slacker and didn't put it in the garage, booo) and maybe get some tea from Tim's before yogaboga time.

Laters

Took the kids on a mini-adventure today aka public transportation. They'd never been on a city bus before, since anywhere we usually go we either drive or walk. But S had the car today and it was a PA day and they were driving me bonkers in the house. So I bundled them up and onto the bus.

They were fascinated.

We went to the mall and picked up the majority of Z's present and then some oddball things for ourselves. Then we took the bus back home. Again, they thought it was the cat's pajamas.

"You're the best mom ever!"

Doesn't take much to please my darlings, no it doesn't indeed.

I just got finished my statement of accounts for last year's thing for school council. My eyes are blurry and the worst part is I still haven't justified all the receipts so I have to call the volunteer accountant who works on the yearly charity report for tax purposes and see if we can't muddle together what really happened (it's a really, really long story involving the changing of the guard for treasury and a LOT of miscommunication). Not to mention there's a council meeting on Tuesday and I will be on the hot seat to explain the income/disbursements for the playground in minute detail. Right. Like it's my fault that the fundraisers still owe a couple hundred bucks to the general ledger they borrowed from to pay off the damn thing in the first place. I think I might just snap if anyone gives me guff because frankly, it's a fucking volunteer job and it's my duty to deposit & disburse, nothing more.

Why am I doing this again? No really.

I'm going to try to sleep but fat chance of that because when I get worked up like this my stomach gets in knots and I can't get comfortable and I can't sleep worth a darn.

You've Changed 76% in 10 Years

Compared to who you were ten years ago, you've changed a great deal. In fact, you're probably in a completely different phase of your life - and very happy about it!

How Much Have You Changed in 10 Years?