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It's the most wonderful time of the year

Posted by Slowplum on 9/04/2006 09:53:00 PM
Tomorrow is C & K's first day of the school year. They're asleep in bed, happy as kittens, went to bed with no argument knowing the sooner they went to sleep the sooner they'd get to go.

For whatever reason, I'm really nervous for them. I don't remember being nervous the other times, but this year I am. Perhaps it's because my baby boy is now in school full time. No more every other day schedules, and his new teacher is giving me some nerves too. I'm not one to be fearful of change, and in this case I'm not really, I'm just nervous for him in ways I never really was with C.

C is pretty pleased with herself too because my Dad came by on Sunday and dropped off my old desk for her to use. She set it up with books and the like the second it was placed in her room. She was in her room most of Sunday because of it - not a peep to be heard. When I checked in once or twice she was happily playing away with her little Barbie laptop game thinger, or writing in her little diary, or doing some sort of project or other.

And I caught a glimpse of her growing up, and it caught my heart in my throat. As she lay out her things for tomorrow morning, she included her hairbrush & lip gloss on her desk, and chose her jewelry, and I saw it, the shadow of her womanhood cast over like a looming cloud. She's only eight. If I were selfish I'd keep her eight forever. But I'm not and I know with each year slipping through my fingers she will grow and grow. And I also know she is going to grow into this terrific being and I am so proud that I get to be a part of that, get to watch it happen.

And I see these things happening in my son as well, and my heart is full near bursting and I don't know what to do with it. I never realized parenthood could do this to a person. When I was younger, becoming a mother was never in my gameplan. It was more or less the bachelor apartment, boyfriend allowed to have a toothbrush there and not much else sort of vision. I think about that and I laugh at how hollow it seems to me now. I can't picture my life without my children. And it's interesting how you read of women who wear their hearts on their sleeves, who weep when they see sick children on television, whose hearts swell with fear at the thought of war, of poverty, of violence - but you never truly understand that until you become a mother yourself.

Now I'm just waxing sentimental, a clear sign I should probably go to bed.

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