My mother's father died last night. He had a heart attack. By the time the hospital reached someone to tell them, he was dead. At least he didn't suffer.

But there are members of his family, his own children, who believe he should have suffered, and been made to pay and pay and pay for what he did.

I don't want to really get into what he did or did not do. That is the past and he is gone now. In a sense he's been gone for quite some time. I have met him a total of maybe 9 times in my life.

I am numb. He has been dead to me for years. So why am I crying?

We've been through fake-a-breakdown
Self hurt
Plastics, collections
Self help, self pain,
ESP, psychics, fuck all
I was central
I had control
I lost my head
I need this
I need this

(ll) damnit
(ll) I need rockstars now
(g) rockstars schmockstars
(g) they're all the fucking same.
(wn) g is our rockstar
(g) you better fucking believe it, sirrah

sex
drugs
wine
women
fun
sin
you
(no wonder it's dark!)

haha i am too clever.

I have eleventy bajillion things to do today. Why do I always do this to myself?

I've got to learn to say no to some things. I am not a superhero. In spite of whatever they may tell you.

But the cape sure looks nifty, don't it? :)

I don't wanna go work today. *sigh*

On the bright side, I may not have to work Monday after all. ROCK!

i have a busy week this week.

also. 80's rock tunes swishing like tuning a radio in my head.

i blame everything.

and also. sometimes i really am a brat.

memo to self: don't jump. you are not a lemming.

So I slept in this morning and now I have to take a cab to work (grumblefuck) so I'm typing this while waiting for a cab.

I woke up to this contraption being on and opened to a letter from our friend MSh saying sure he'd love us to come up this weekend. I guess that means we are going to O-S, thanks for the heads-up SO.

Except I have to work on Monday (SUCK!) so I don't know what's going on now hmmm

Ok gotta go cab's here

Ok. So. Today my SO decided to read my journal for the first time in a while. And then later this evening when he called me from work he called me a brat for writing that he cried when he watched "I am Sam". (See? I told you so.) He said I promised I wouldn't say anything to anyone. Except I don't remember saying that. So hmm.

Then I said "would you rather I discuss our sex life in detail?" and he said "Yup. Wait... will you get money for it?" "No." Pause. "Well, forget that then!" hehehee I love him so.

I went to JB & N's wedding on Saturday. It was really nice and I had a lot of fun. Too bad SO was bored out of his skull. Apparently this was my fault (read: I drank he did not and I Was supposed to be DD). I suppose I should feel sorry but there is a little selfish person inside me that says FUCKIT. I danced up a storm and I haven't done that in YEARS quite literally.

The keyboard is sticking like someone spilled something in it. Hrm.

It was my father's birthday on Sunday and we went over to my parents' for food and cake but we were stuffed because we all went out to brunch first at the Queen's with a bunch of friends.

It makes me a little sad to think that a lot of these friends we only really get to see at weddings funerals and baptisms. It makes me feel older.

C goes to school soon. She is ready. I am not.

*sigh*

So now that SO is reading this, HI I LOVE YOU OK THX BYE

Hey you!
You've been around for a while.
If you'll admit that you are wrong, then we'll admit that we're right.

And the joke is, when he awoke his
body was covered in coke fizz.

What I love about that song is everyone I know sings it "goat piss" instead of "coke fizz". Because honestly. It sounds like they are saying goat piss.

On that note, I am off to work.

Bizarre fact about me: I cannot go to sleep unless all the closets in my house have been shut in a particular order.

here comes the sun and i say it's all right

the morning came too quickly today. this past weekend was really nice a lot of rest that i haven't had in a long long time.

work was ok it took me most of the morning to catch up to friday's fiasco (i don't really want to go into details. for one, it's mundane to anyone not in it, and for two, it's mundane to anyone who IS involved). i got a ride home with my father and had supper at their house. then i got the kids ready to go home. of course, c didn't want to come home with me and cried the whole time.

my mother has this awful habit of giving c her way all the time. it is getting to the point where i am considering threatening very limited visitation and perhaps none at all until my mother learns to respect my wishes and deal with c the way we deal with her.

it's a tough thing to do because my daughter adores my mother (of course she does, who wouldn't adore someone who gives you everything you ask for at the merest pout?) but i have to lay down the law.

ROAR i am in a pissy mood. stupid moms.

listening to random music on my play list and laughing in spite of myself. who listens to "here comes the sun" when they are ready to cause torrential storms? :p

tell me oh readert, is this what you prefer? my blabbering about nothings and foregoing letting you know that i am snoopy, rob gordon from high fidelity version of john cusack, and a salad spinner via the happy fun quiz result pictures?

yeah. that's what i thought. :p

My daughter is at my mother's house, having a sleep over. We have cousins from Port. visiting, they have a little girl C's age, so they are having a sleep over this weekend. C was tickled pink at the notion, doubly so when I bought her new pajamas for the occasion. I am glad she has this fun time, but still I missed her this morning.

Lazy Sunday morning. The two most important boys in my life (read: husband and son) are still sleeping soundly. My son came crawling into bed with us at 7 am, crying from a bad dream. Cuddled in, kissed me on the cheek and feel asleep again. This is Sunday morning in our home.

I couldn't get back to sleep (typically) and just lay there watching my son and my husband sleep peacefully. Listened to their quiet breathing and wondered what I ever did without this.

Got up quietly out of bed so as not to disturb my sleeping angels (angels only when they sleep, did you ever notice this?) and came downstairs. Made myself some coffee. Indulgance; ate some caramel pecan pie. This is the decadent life I sometimes allow myself to have. Stretched like a feline, cracked my back in the process, felt the ooozing sensation of blood pressure changing.

PS: Hi bgy!

I am considering a shower about now, to wash away the remnants of sleep. Yesterday I slept most of the day away, battling off a cold. Then I took a hot bath with lavender bath oil in between. Cleared my head up and soothed me at the same time. SO said I smelled too girly for him. I said I didn't care as long as this cold went away before it could check in at the front desk and settle for a few weeks.

Now I go to do things, probably clean the house, probably not. We will see.

Good morning, world.

dreamlog:

fading fast but main points were i was growing and selling pot (very odd since i am allergic to the shit) and i gave this huge bag of it to my cow orker to hold on to right in front of a police officer (played by Dustin Hoffman, no word of a lie) and then he took some and started smoking it right in front of us.

Then I was touring through this house with SO and he was looking for weird collectibles of characters I had never heard of before. It was an old house and had all sorts of pathways and stairways and things. There were these kids constantly running through our legs and stuff and eventually I lost him. So I started planting things in the middle of the kitchen and then got into a heated debate with someone about how to grow ginseng. Meanwhile my cow orker had smoked all the pot I had given her which didn't bother me in the least and then asked me for my cigarettes. Which was weird because I knew I had quit smoking, why did I have cigarettes on me? I gave them to her anyway because I knew I wasn't going to smoke them. Hmm.

I found SO in the backyard going through this old wooden toy box and he had found one of these unheard of collectibles and it looked like a ken doll with a clown face, I couldn't describe it. All I knew was it creeped me out and he said "yeah it's great isn't it?" and then took it to its owner to ask if he could buy it.

Meanwhile I went to this tent in the backyard and under it was all this weird stuff and I kept trying to organize it all but people kept coming by and picking things up and putting them down in a different place, it was driving me bonkers.

Ok that's all I remember.

Damnit Derek, I'm a coal miner, not a professional film and television actor!

i don't know about the rest of you, but i'm just utterly and completely exhausted. and it's not just from the whole wine episode last night (which was partial accident, partially on purpose. sometimes it is nice to feel numb).

it's strange because i really really like my job, but i am so stressed by it because it is a big responsibility. but not a bad stressed that i take home. job stays at work which is nice.

but then there are some outer elements that cause me to feel stressed. my kids are not taking this very well because they are used to mommy being around more. so now k is having nightmares and peeing the bed and c is waking up in the middle of the night crying for me and begging me not to go to work the next day. but when the next day comes they are fine and have fun at my aunt's (she is baby sitting them from 2-5, just before so goes to work straight afternoon shift until i pick them up when i am done work) and they spend some quality time alone with daddy in the mornings.

but i guess nothing compares to mommy sometimes.

and then there is the fact that since so works straight afternoon shifts, i don't really get to see much of him if anything at all during the week. we only have weekends, but it seems like every weekend this summer has had some sort of event going on that we had to go to so we haven't really had much in the way of quality time.

what i really love about this is, noboby is really reading this journal as i am notorious for just little blibberings about nothing appended by horrendous quiz results. who wants to read that crap? hell who wants to read what i'm writing right now either?

I bought Zoolander, The 13th Warrior, and LOTR recently. All very good.

I found out yesterday while having lunch with my friend S that our friend JD (who's wedding I went to back in June) is pregnant! She got her test results the day before the wedding but hasn't said anything until now, the sneak! I am happy for her.

T brought me a cool birthday (belated) present last night. It was all sorts of expensive luxurious bath things. Have I mentioned I adore baths? Oh good god, I would kill for a hot bath right now. And a cup of tea and a good book. Lots of bubbles. Candles. Mmmm. That is a little slice of heaven right there.

...what was I saying?

Oh yes. So she brought that over and I was muchly pleased and quite surprised. Then she lamented over the fact that she goes back to work soon (she has been off on maternity leave with her son A) and then B gets 4 months paternity leave with the baby alone. She really doesn't want to go back to her old job but has to for financial reasons. It really sucks and I feel bad for her.

I need to dye my hair again.

Also, the ear piercings are itching right now, stupid healing process.

I should do more writing in this damn thing and less fluff.

Today I found I was hugging myself because I was cold and tired.

My lips are chapped. I HATE THAT.

Tomorrow is dress down day, WOO!

Ok I go now.

Take the Bovine Personality Test!

hee.

anyway. yeah. head is a little throbby this morning, probably due to consumption of too much wine last night.

ps EMUS ROCK.

that is all.

I had a really bizarre dream involving getting married again, and I was late for my own damn wedding, and I couldn't find the garter and there was this acquaintance who was doing everything BUT getting my hair done, and suddenly there were two dresses, one from the wedding i had with SO and a new one, and i couldn't decide, and i was panicking and angry at the friend for not helping but rather doing whatever she could to hinder my progress.

at one point she was sitting under a blanket on my bed eating something and wouldn't come out until she was done. she put a banana clip in my hair and claimed i was done. then she poured her drink all over me.

meh.

anyway....

notes to self:

- new m.o. for wp
- make sure r0 got her thing
- talk to the school asap
- call the dentist, make appt. f/girl
- call the eye doctor, make appt. f/girl, me, husband
- call audiologist, reschedule appt. f/boy
- EXPENSE REPORT before the acct dpt puts my head on a stake

have you ever gotten that surreal moment where you feel like you are floating when really you are just sitting there? but for that moment you feel ... lighter

i'm getting that feeling right now.

hmmm.

i feel completely overbooked lately.

ack! which reminds me:

- call cm re: bbst f/wedding on aug24

phew.

this is only a SMALL glimpse of all the crap i have to do.

ok i go now.

Monkees - Daydream Believer

]

Which Trainspotting Character Are You?


I saw J and E and a bunch of other people at K & SC's place last night. It was nice but near the end our kids were getting a little crazy from being tired so we took off just as some other people were coming in.

So. Sleepy.

I have been having weird dreams. Friday night I conked out with K on the couch and had a dream that our house was flooding all except the top floor. And the floor looked different like we had renovated the hell out of it. I was the only one concerned about the flood. Then I woke up at 8 thinking it was 8 am and flipping out because SO wasn't home. I called his friend JE.

me: have you seen so anywhere?
je: yeah i talked to him like an hour ago on the phone
me: where was he??
je: uhm...at... WORK?
me: what the FUCK is he doing at work?
je: uhm... working?
me: at 8 am?
je: g... it's 8 at night.
me: oh. cripes. really? jebus.

needless to say he got a good laugh out of it. this is clearly a sign i am stressed and not getting enough sleep.

so then i stayed up with k a bit and then we both conked out again. this time i had a weird dream about someone making me take them to see someone else but the someone else was involved with yet another person and it was a whole big mess. then i dreamt i was discussing food with sting in an elevator that was going up this floor to some sort of office where we apparently worked.

last night i dreamt i was worked as this person who was hooked up to these wires on this big tower and every time i saw a jaywalker i was supposed to swoop down and knock the stuffing right out of them.

yeah. crazy stuff.

anyway, i'm waiting for a call from J & E to go out to madelyn's for breakfast. mmm breakfast...

So yeah. Tuesday sucked because 1) I slept in, and I hate that, even if it is only for a few minutes I spend the rest of my day catching up with myself. 2) the lock to the door in our house busted and I could not get in and it was hot and my son was tired and had a poopy pull-up because he was sick and had the runs. BADDD scenario.

Took the locksmith 1 hr to come to my house. So I am glad I dropped my son off at the in-laws and came back to wait for him. Then he picked the lock on the garage door (we didnt' have a key for it and haven't ever) and took the doorknob off and then took the doorknob off our front door and tons of dust came out. The peg in the middle had rounded off (normally they are square) so he took both of these things and took them back to his magic locksmithing shop and came back and voila. Not only was front door lock fixed, now garage door works with same key. YAY LOCKSMITH! He also only charged me like, forty bucks, which is wayyyy cheaper than he should have. I RULE.

Wednesday was better. I still slept in again and had to scramble like a madwoman when I got home to clean up toys &etc from the floor (kids toys, yo) for my fantasia party. It was fun and I got like $150 in FREE PRODUCT WOO! Anyway. My parents kept the kids all night haha! Suckers.

...but I slept in a little again from being up so late Wed night (why I was up so late is NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX). GAH! This week it is like my sworn duty to sleep in or something. But SO woke up this time and sped me off to work and we even had time for me to get coffeeeeee mmmmmm.

Ok. So. That brings us to today. I actually woke up early today in spite of the fact I was up late again. Let's hope it goes over well, but I doubt it.

What's Your Movie Dream Car?

by Auto Glass America

BATMOBILE! YEAH!

I had a fantasia party last night.
And my kids ended up sleeping over at my parents' house.
Needless to say, when the party was over, after SO came home, I did not get any sleep.

...sometimes lack of sleep is a *good* thing. ;)

Yesterday was craptastic. I will write more later. Finer points include:

- sleeping in
- the lock on our house door being busted
- cold dinner at the in-laws
- forgetting my expense report at home.

I forget where I got this.

I AM: tired
I THINK: i think too much
I KNOW: that i know a lot less than i would like to, and a lot more than i should
I WANT: ice cream
I HAVE: so much more than i deserve
I WISH: too many wishes
I HATE: insincerity
I MISS: you
I FEAR: the unknown
I HEAR: what you tell
I SEARCH: for meaning
I WONDER: if i care too much
I REGRET: nothing
I LOVE: too much
I ACHE: a dull sort of aching that sits there and waits
I CARE: i care. i do.
I ALWAYS: remember kindness
I AM NOT: who you think i am
I DANCE: to remember to let go
I SING: whenever it suits me
I CRY: too much
I DO NOT ALWAYS: keep my temper
I FIGHT: when pushed
I WRITE: and i write and i write. oh how i write.
I WIN: and yet i lose.
I LOSE: my car keys on a daily basis.
I CONFUSE: myself
I LISTEN: to those who need to talk
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: where you last look
I NEED: i don't know what i need
I AM HAPPY ABOUT: my children
I SHOULD: go to bed.

Wow I have been moody today. I was up up up for the past week or so and now... CRASH BANG.

Maybe I am manic-depressive or some shit. Or maybe I am just a moody woman like all the other women on this planet. I don't know.

My son was sick today, I felt so bad for the little guy. *sigh* My daughter is currently at a sleepover at my mom's house, some cousins from portugal are down and brought their little girl around C's age. So my daugher is going haywire over her. It's cute.

I bought some more clothes for new job today, blech. I hate buying clothes.

SO had to work today even though it was a holiday.

I feel sleepy now. I have been having weird dreams, but I keep forgetting to write them down. Memo to self: Invest in another dream journal.

My old one is full.

It is weird to read back on dreams, with new eyes you get a totally different perspective and see what they really meant.

Things with SO are getting a bit better than they have been of late. Something is still bothering him but he isn't as distant.

Ok I go now, fall asleep to movies or something.

Ok so last night my sister-in-law and her boyfriend TN took me out for my birthday. They claimed it was only a ten minute drive but of course they were lying, we ended up going to K-W.
They took me to lazer quest and then we went to mongolian grill to eat and drink a few drinks. It was good fun and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. CM admitted she was a little perplexed about what to get me for my birthday so she decided we shoudl go do something goofy and fun. YAY FOR CM AND TN.

Today will hopefully be a lazy do nothing sort of day. Even though I have an expense report staring at me, begging me to fill it out. Stupid expense reports. They take FOREVERRRRR

Ok I go hunt for breakfast now! And lots of juice! Because too many martinis make my mouth dry the next day.


Inigo Montoya: Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father: prepare to die. Now, offer me money.
[slices Count Rugen's cheek]
Count Rugen: Yes.
Inigo Montoya: Power too. Promise me that.
[slices Count Rugen's other cheek]
Count Rugen: All that I have and more. Please...
Inigo Montoya: Offer me everything I ask for.
Count Rugen: Any thing you want.
Inigo Montoya: I want my father back, you son of bitch.
[stabs and kills Count Rugan]

Yay! My first Saturday off from job in YEARS. I heart this.

We watched "I am Sam" after SO came home from work last night and I CRIED LIKE A BABY. You heard me. It was really really good. Even SO cried, and ADMITTED he cried. See? This is what becoming a parent does to you, it makes you a SAP. (He will kill me later for posting this. Likely also call me a brat.)

But even if I weren't a mom I think I would cry. I mean... gah. So sad.

However. I think being a parent definitely puts a different spin on how you view this movie. Because you understand some of the things they talk about, like how everyone regardless of their mental IQ can find parenting to be confusing and difficult and that they make so many mistakes. Everyone has self doubt, and the only true constant is that you love your child so fiercely, so much, that you can hardly contain the feeling.

OK! First of all, my birthday ROCKED and thanks to everyone who called/messaged/wrote to wish me a happy birthday! YOU ARE MY HEROES

Especially thank you to my SO, r0, OJ and the NYCCB, you know why.

YAY for surprises!

Birthday things:

- treatza pizza
- stag and doe party
- sleeping in (mmm)
- breakfast
- ice cream
- manicure
- gift certificates
- phone calls
- mail

In other news, I am Colin!

I am Colin! See which Whose Line is it Anyway? cast member you are!

See? Told ya!

He is my favorite, well him and Ryan. YAY!

Work is going well, in spite of a few glitches at the beginning of the week, I am getting into the swing of things. :)

Did I mention that my SO rocks for getting me a CD burner?

Did I mention that the NYCCB rock for catering to my whimsical fetishes?

Did I mention that OJ especially rocks for playing detective and getting me things I specifically wanted?

Did I mention that r0 rocks for pulling a crazy stunt that honored me, overwhelmed me, and made me happy?

Did I mention that the rest of you rock too?

Did I mention that I am drinking wayyy too much coffee lately?

:) :) :) :) :) :)