I would also like to mention it took me FOUR FRICKIN TRIES before I got the coding right for the strongbad email link. I am that tired.

Am becoming addicted to literati again. Mmmmm words. I love words. Even when I lose at that game (which I did twice last night because THE TILE GODS HATE ME) I still love it.

Though I really much prefer scrabble in person.

K forgot his blankie at the babysitters yesterday so it was hell last night, he kept waking up and finding it missing. This morning he was a pill too. Bad habits. Better than the soother or a bottle though.

Another weird dream but it is almost totally gone from my memory due to crying son waking me up and making me think nothing but "must stop that noise".

The emu-bee summit has resulted in me getting my bees back and the emu being returned to its rightful owner.

I had to get trounced royally before giving in. Twice, in fact.

B directed me to more music so THANK YOU B.

I'd also like to point this link out to the small percentage of you who have not seen it.

Strongbad checks his email every Monday.

Click on the dragon link. Prepare to laugh your ass off. TROGDOR!

Man. Every time a childhood icon dies, I feel older and sadder.

I had a dream last night about swans. Specifically, it was summer and there were swans in the Avon river (as usual) and I was showing them to people. Then this one big swan flipped on its back on the river and gave birth to twin Swans. Which was peculiar because a) it was male and b) swans lay eggs.

The swan is an ancient bird and there is a great deal of information on them. In the state of dreams it is a powerful messenger and such.

memo to self: re-negotiate treaty.

addendum: be firm on the emu front.

Ok. Work time now.

I had a fun amusing evening with a pseudo-war. A++

Anyway. I'm tired. Rough day. Work is getting really stressful. Have to remind myself to smile.

I'm having a bad week. Two days now it's been hectic-go-crazy-upsidedown type days. I was invited to go out to LaserQuest with my sister-in-law, but at the last minute I had to cancel because K was begging for my attention and SO wasn't feeling too well. And C is going through the growing pains of trying to understand she can't get everything she wants with a tantrum because it just gets her in the corner for 5 minutes instead. Boy can she holler when she wants to.

Also, I'm worried about S. She had another MS episode and has been pretty much out of commission for the past while. It's funny, this is something we almost never talk about. We know it's there. We just don't brood over it because what's the sense? Whatever happens will happen. Still, though I don't let on, I worry.

I've been bringing my lunch to work lately because I'm finding if I don't I just end up eating the stuff the cafeteria serves, and while that is good, most of it is also unhealthy and overpriced. I'm feeling better for it, which I need because I have been getting pretty damn depressed.

I'm totally broke until the next payday. I hate bills. HATE HATE HATE.

Ok I'm going to go sulk before work now. :p

Strange dreams about drowning and trying to save people from also drowning. World ending in a sea. Explosions and crumbling rocks and chaos.

Started an msn group for my family which is working out nicely as we can all let each other know what's going on without typing eleventy billion emails.

Played literati with A and FG last night and it was fun and funny and great. And exactly what I needed because yesterday was a hell day until that point. So thank you, A and FG.

Memo to self: lace up C's new shoes for school.

My boss changed my work hours on me so now instead of from early to early it's from later on to later on. Which is ok but I don't know what to do about the extra hour or so I have in the mornings so it's messing up my routine.

On the other hand, it's making my Thursdays and Fridays a little easier (the days the kids go to babysitters). A little more time in the morning means a little less crying and gnashing of teeth on my part.

Diane Court: I just can't have any social life right now.
Lloyd Dobler: Don't worry about it. We're just having coffee. We'll be anti-social.
Diane Court: Be friends?
Lloyd Dobler: Yeah. With potential.

I saw that movie the other day. I still like it.

It's strange, this internet thing. Connections upon connections, overlapping. I have connected with so many people but it is a bit difficult because these are people miles away in different countries and I often wonder, would we have the same kind of connection in (for lack of a better term) the really real world? I don't know. How do you know what is real and what is contrived? Although I suppose the same could be said in physical existence. The world has become smaller with this. I see so many people doing the falling in love and moving across the earth to be with each other thing, and I think, wow, if it weren't for a little box transmitting information to another little box, these people would never know each other. Funny how life works.

I am rambling now and don't really know where I was going with that.

I need some time to be alone with myself. I don't remember the last time I had that.

I'm tired of the cold. I want lemonade and flopsy shoes and little umbrellas in my drinks.

I take it back. I want one further. I want twiddling toes in grassy knolls and laying on the sweet grass looking for four leaf clovers. I want the sun kissing my shoulders and the warm winds. I want daisy chains and lazy bees and the smell of rain.

I want one further. I want warm rain storms and running through them shrieking and feeling alive. I want chalk on the pavement and skipping because I can.

Fresh cut grass and running through sprinklers. Hearing the kids on their bikes with cards attached to the spokes. Tapoketa-poketa-poketa. Barbecue smells from the neighbors. Baby frogs in the garden. Crickets in the evenings.

I want one further. I want the stars so bright they make me breathless. Lying on the ground and staring up at them and wishing. And wishing.

Swinging on swings, legs dangling and tossing myself up so high I can almost fly. I want the air through my hair as I swing to the clouds. I want sunshine and wildflowers and sandy feet.

Rubber shoes on the pavement, thump thump thump as they run by. Children laughing. Popsicles dribbling down my arm as my mouth tries to beat the sun at consuming them. I want one further. I want the smell of fresh lilacs growing outside my window, breezing in. I want comfort. I want home.

Can't stop the spirits when they need you
This life is more than just a read-through

I keep having dreams that are telling me I am definitely wasting my talents and ignoring them more or less for the sake of normalcy.

People fear what they don't understand. Including me.

But sometimes you have to walk through those fears to leave more room for better things.

When I tell people what I can do they are either intrigued or afraid or both. I don't know how to explain things in such a way to make it easier to understand. Even for me.

Maybe I'm just crazy. Or maybe just the rest of you are.

I haven't locked a node in ages. I don't know why I am now. Maybe I'm just... waiting.

I understand that whatever I choose will be honored. But what if I regret my choice?

My friday sucked. Suck suck sucked. Horrible day.

But my sister-in-law's now-ex visited me at work. Which was surprising but not in a bad way. Of course this has solicited talk amongst my coworkers, but meh. I dun care.

We were actually supposed to go have coffee and talk or something last night but it got all screwed up and miscommunicated which was fine because of the whole, you know, my ear bleeding and me feeling dizzy thing.

My mother called me today just to talk but whenever she does that it ends up with us arguing. Always. Gah.

Oh! Good news! LP IS COMING TO VISIT. LP being my cousin. Yeah. I'm all excited and stuff. I haven't seen her LITERALLY in years. Probably the last time I saw her was at... my wedding? Good god it couldn't have been that long. No... no wait. She was there when K was... no that was before the wedding. Gah. It *has* been that long!

So I'm feeling a little dizzy and already had a nap but still feel icky. And little trickles of blood stopped only because of the wonderful thing called clotting. But if I go to clean that, it bleeds again. I think I may have ruptured my eardrum or something but I can't for the life of me figure out how.

The kids have been cats and dogs today fighting and squabbling like little turkeys. That's a lot of animals for this house. And there's only two of them! Eeee.

So my pageant entry is wayyyyy shorter than every one else's. Theirs are like, eleventy billion pages long! But feh. I'm not sweating it. I made the deadline! That in itself is miraculous!

All my words are stuck inside. They won't come out. Maybe that's them, escaping out of my ear via blood. GET BACK IN THERE I NEED YOU

Yes I just might be going inane. Er insane. Probably the first one.

Should I be concerned that my ear is bleeding?

I don't wanna.

Was woken up at 3 am by C who had puked up in her bed and was crying and apologising saying "I didn't mean to mommy it was an accident." Poor lamb. Of course nobody means to do that. So spent half hour cleaning her up, cleaning the bed up, putting new sheets on, etc. She is sleeping soundly and fine. Before she fell asleep she gurgled something about being tired of growing and could she stop now?

This stemmed from an earlier conversation I had had with my dad on the phone because C has been eating like a lion lately, there was no stopping her. Past few days she's been complaining she was hungry RIGHT AFTER EATING A MEAL so we figured, meh, growth spurt right? Well she overheard me and that's where her mumbling came from.

She probably got sick because she got all worked up about the idea of going to my parents tomorrow for some Portuguese thing (dont' ask, long story) and because she had food in her belly the getting worked up made it all come up. Poor dearie. She has the my mom's nerves. *sigh* My mom gets the exact same way sometimes.

So now I'm wide awake and going to go play NWN because the internet is boring and so is the TV. And I'm finished the book I was reading about the glamourous person I'm going to write about for the E2 pageant thingy. So yeah.

I just realized that like, the last twenty or so posts have literally been littered with stories of sickness. God I hate February. Stupid sick bugs.

Once upon a time there was a girl who wasn't allowed to cry. So she made a deal with the sky. Every time she felt sad, the sky would cry for her. Big fat raindrops washed down her window. And somehow, she felt a little better, watching it.

But as she grew, all the tears the sky had were not enough. She felt a small ache that began to grow. It started in her throat and spread. Her eyes burned with need to cry. So one night, she locked herself up in her room, and she cried. And the wind howled outside to hear it.

And every day, she would cry when she was alone. And nobody knew about it. They thought she was happy. She was not. She was not.

The sun would kiss her on her shoulders. The wind would whisper into her hair. The air would listen. Everything would go still. She learned that not all tears were sad. She learned to be strong. She learned the secret of happiness from the birds. She filled the ache.

Now when she sees the sky it doesn't hurt so bad. She grew stronger. She learned love. She is ok.

She is more than ok.

Which movie am I?!



Zoolander


What movie are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

And you can quote me on that.

This morning it took me twenty minutes to get my kids into the car. Why? Because my son didn't wanna. That's why. So when I finally got him out the door, he swung back in a last ditch effort to get back inside, and I caught his head and pulled him forward before he could smash it.

But somehow in the mix I managed to RIP ONE OF MY FINGERNAILS OFF. Can we say pain? Oh yes. We can say pain. So I went to work sporting a Barbie band-aid that had hearts all over it. People thought it was very apropos and fashionable for the day. GRR.

So my job requires a lot (A LOT) of typing, which is hard to do with a Barbie bandaid on. And if I took it off I bled all over the place which is also not good. "Hello yes Customs? No don't mind the blood on these invoices, I DIDN'T MURDER ANYONE I SWEAR" yeah bad scenario. But funny.

Got an email from Lolo but have so much to say so I think I will reply tomorrow when I have a little more time. Also I have to research Portugal a little more for my entry into the E2 pageant. Gah. Why did I agree to it again? Oh right. Because I thought it was cool. (AND IT IS.) And also to totally beat Miss Federated States of Micronesia. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

Gah! Also. When I took a bath tonight, I was lying there relaxing, then I looked at the water and IT WAS MURKY BLACK! AAAAAH! STUPID HAIR DYE! I HATE YOU!

*sniffle* I just... just wanted... *sniffle* to have black hair again... *sniffle* IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK??? *cry*

Also, my bangs were poofing up a la bad eighties hair cut, so I had to hide my hair under a kerchief today. I am so Jemima. :p

Oh! And also! I got a really friggin' HUGE papercut on my right pinky finger. So both hands were INJURED.

Also I puked at work because the smell of all the flowers that the ladies in accounting got made me sick. Literally.

So yeah. VALENTINE'S DAY SUCKS NADS.

Today was one of those days where I should have just rolled over and went back to sleep. I was having such a great dream too. Too bad I can't remember it now. *pout*

Today I helped C make Valentines for her classmates and her teacher. It was cool. I love these things about parenting.

TOday was also hell day at work.

Today also I played volleyball and our team did pretty well but we lost all our games because the other team was all aggressive and mean and angry. While we were happy-go-la about it. We only lost by a few points each time though. SO nyah. Because WE HAD MORE FUN THAN THE OTHER TEAM NYAH NYAH

Yes I am really really mature. :p

Ok exhausted. Didn't sleep much because Kevin decided he didn't wanna sleep last night.

*zonk*

So get this. They want to pile more work on me.

On top of what I already do, they want me to help out in the department I used to work in, "whenever I have some spare time". Which just proves my point, I did a lot of the work and now they have hired an incompetant pissant who can't do a fourth of what I did. And now they miss me. Boo fucking hoo.

I may have no choice but to help depending on how my current boss responds to their proposal. *snarl*

On the other hand, YAY BONUS! We profited well this quarter so next week we all get bonus money! Not very much mind you but enough to make me go YAY! Bonus!

Yay! Nobody's really reading this! Except maybe Q. Who is probably bored. :p

Yay! It's Wednesday!

Yay! I forgot why I am saying Yay!

Ok I'm off now.

Work sucked today.

I am thinking of picking up a book they have there tho for like 12 bucks it's a huge book on vegetarian/vegetable side dish cooking. mmmmm.

Memo to self: be nicer to me.

So I was sick from late Sat. night to last night. Puke type sick. Fucking sucked, and meant I missed ANOTHER day of work. I'ma get myself fired right quick if'n my body don't smarten the hell up and quit picking up people's sicknesses.

Wedding on Sat. was really good. Benmiller Inn very nice place to stay. Want to write more about it but am still feeling weak.

The kids were sick too. So was SO.

Can't remember what else I was going to say. Bye bye.

Ok so first, I called in sick again today. Because I feel like a bag of hell. True story.

Second, I AM SO EXCITED because Margaret Atwood is coming to speak here in June. The tickets are very reasonably priced so I am definitely going. YAY!

The Celebrated Writers series this year includes:

Richard B. Wright*
Margaret Atwood*
Joan Barfoot & Yann Martel
Guy Vanderhaeghe
Wayne Johnston

We actually have some pretty cool stuff going on in the summer, it's just a matter of finding out where and when. They set up interviews with the different people involved in the plays, they have courses you can take, workshops etc. There's all kinds of cultural junk going on if that's your bag.

Anyhow, I'm off to go get some rest. Mmm. Rest.

So I called in sick today. I'm better off rested than dead I s'pose. Feel like crap. Boss seemed to believe me. It's hard to tell with him. He works in Novi and I'm all the way in the opposite direction so he's never around. But I got tired of my cow orkers telling me to go home already and that I sounded and looked like hell.

I've been really up and down moody lately. Crying jags and then bouncy flirtatiousness and then angry dish throwing and then cheeky wordplay. Meh. I yam who I yam. Fortunately the people on the receiving end of these moods don't seem to mind much ;)

C was sick yesterday, pukey type sick. Felt so bad for her. She was really embarrassed the first time because she didn't get a chance to tell us she was sick she just puked all over. Then we had to clean it all up and she was crying from embarrassment and I told her it was ok, we all had accidents from time to time. Then we gave her a bath and put fresh pj's on her and let her rest on the couch watching Rugrats. I gave her a pail lined with a grocery bag and all was well. She kept asking for water so at least she was staying hydrated and had something to bring up when she was sick. I feel so bad for the kids when they get sick like that. At least C is at an age now where she can tell us what is wrong. With K we don't find out until it's too late...

I bet y'all really wanted to read that. :p

Today she's supposed to be the Happy Helper in class but I don't think she'll be making it to school, which is really going to disappoint her... I'm going to talk to her teacher and see if she can switch today with the kid who does it on Friday...

What am I doing home? I feel guilty for not going to work even though I am genuinely sick. My martyr-like work ethic is going to get me dead someday.

Ok I'ma go lie down now.

Yesterday was a pretty emotionally charged day for me. Cried no less than three times. Had a long talk with SO about how I've been feeling about everything. Stressed beyond the boiling point. Feeling like a failure in pretty much every area of my life. It is so hard to be mother, daughter, wife, employee, friend all at once and there are only so many hours. How can I keep up?

At one point in the day my daughter was sitting in my lap looking up at pictures on our entertainment unit. "Is that a picture of me?" I nod. "And that's a picture of brother?" Yup. "Why are they there?" I said, "because I'm so proud to have you two, I like to have your pictures up so everyone can see them."

She thought this over for a while. Then she gave me a big hug and whispered into my ear, "Mommy, I am so proud of you." I tried not to cry but it was exactly what I needed to hear. I cried a little and hugged her tight.

Children keep you afloat. Even when sometimes it seems like they are contributing to drowning you.

B gave me a link to lots of music-y goodness the other day. I love that boy. He keeps me in the loop. He should slack a little more though before he stresses himself out.

Still sounding like an old man dying of emphazema (or however the hell you spell that) and hating it. Stupid sickness. I keep telling my body to give it the eviction notice, but it has spies inside or something because IT WON'T GO AWAY. Fook.

My daughter's school is having a family fun night on the 12th. They are making big baskets to raffle off to raise money for the school. Each class is doing a different theme. C's class's theme is "Dog lovers" so we have to supply something to do with dogs for the basket. Each kid only has to bring in one thing. I think it's a neat idea and at least it means my kid doesn't have to go door to door selling crap so the school makes money, know?

Today I go to a bridal shower. I think I'm the only one getting EF lingerie. Everyone else is getting her practical stuff. Bah! is what I say to that.

Ok I go make breakfast now. Byee