So I managed to get myself suckered into working until 8 pm tonight. Ugh. So. So. Tired.

But it makes up for being off on Friday, so all is well.

Memo to self: court date Nov. 7

While I'm too tired to move, I'm also wide awake mentally. I hate that feeling.

I'm almost done C's hat - it looks gorgeous if I may say so. I will post results when complete. My sisterinlaw has requested one using shades of green - I'm actually pretty excited about it.

MIL wants me to knit some mittens for her mom for Christmas, which is fine, but I'm thinking what's the point? She's never out in the winter. But I'll do it because I think her mom deserves the little things to make her happy since she doesn't have very much to be happy about for the most part. There is a very long, very convoluted story behind that, that I am not at liberty to disclose since it is skeletons from a family not my own, and I have my own skeletons to deal with, why borrow someone else's?

Maybe I should be a skeleton for Hallowe'en. Yes I still haven't got a costume. Yes I totally suck this year. What's wrong with me? I LOVE THIS HOLIDAY and yet I am so blase this year. It sucks!

Ok, back to knitting.

Reformat status: VICTORY!

It was totally painless save for a bit of an issue updating my network adapter driver, as I had momentarily misplaced the backup disk. But all is well and we are up and running and in business again.

SO bought a George Foreman griddle type thing that lets you fry up delicious breakfast items all on one pan. So needless to say I got spoiled for breakfast. Bwaha! I love it.

The weather won't make up its mind lately - snowy then sunny then windy then all three. Bleh. It makes it hard to dress the kids in the morning.

Ok I'm off to reinstall games etc. since I was primarily focused on getting the machine back up to par.

Gone reformattin'. See you on the flipside, if all goes well.

If you don't know who Goldfrapp is - go find out.

Anyway. My PAR (employee review thinger) was this week (finally!) and I did excellent and they agreed with my self-assessment in that I am FABULOUS and hah! So anyway. Yes. Good PAR.

JG came over tonight and yapped in the garage with SO for most of the evening. Then I made pasta and he watched me carefully and wrote it down. He asked me for feedback on things he may have missed, then asked me how to make gravy, then asked me how I make that Portuguese stew I make, then wrote down as much as he could. See, he is moving in with ME come December, and figures he needs to be the cook since she doesn't really. I mean she can cook but she doesn't really like to, and he wants to, so it's all good.

My head sort of aches now because I was sitting in the garage with them and JG is a chain smoker when he gets talking, and since I quit back in - uh - I can't remember. A long time ago. I find it really hurts me head.

Tomorrow SO has declared it is going to be a boys' night in, in which they drink beer and order chicken wings and yap in our garage till all hours. I can't complain really, since the kids will be at the in-laws' house. But now I'm thinking, "what am I going to do to get myself out of the house?" So if you have any suggestions or wanna do something - call my cell, otherwise I'll be roaming around aimlessly in search of respite. Even if the kids end up staying home, SO will be home with them and they'll be safe in bed by the time the boys get their thing going.

Not that I don't enjoy spending time with SO and his buddies - I do. I'm just not in the mood for them right now.

Ok. Time to go resume my knitting project for C's hat and watch pointless films. Maybe finish up school council banking.

Whew. Thank God all that self-absorbed sadness decided to take a hike.

For reasons I'm not comfortable disclosing at this point, this is a really hard time of year for me, and I sometimes have to fight the sadness in favor of cheerful, but as long as I surround myself with positivity things seem to go ok. Last night positivity meant watching old episodes of The Family Guy. Also talking to a friend after picking C up from Brownies was nice - most of the people in my life are drama mamas and that's fine and all, but sometimes you need a break from it and just want to natter about whatevers and whosits as opposed to the "oh em gee I hate so and so they did xyz insignificant thing that just drove me up the bend".

Another major contributor to the yucky feelings were probably due to the fact that the gynecologist has now put me on birth control. Looks like the progesterone levels in my body were making it all crazy and stuff. As in, the ovaries refusing to let go of the eggs they were producing, acne forming, hair being courser/thicker, the migraines, the crazy menstrual cycles, the issues with my breasts, etc etc. So since the ovaries weren't letting go of the eggs, these eggs accumulated over time and caused all those follicular cysts that have been causing me grief. Since the ovaries never released eggs, the uterus didn't know it was supposed to shed anything - it just kept waiting patiently for the egg to drop. Eventually my body would overload and just shed it all at once - thank you progestrone. The doctor went through my entire medical history and basically said that I've likely had this problem all my life, and he was amazed I had two kids. Then we went on to discuss the various points in my life that I was actually on birth control. Oh boy did the fun start then.

I am today defining irony in this manner: had I not been on birth control when I was seeing SO, I probably would not have gotten pregnant at all. Both of my children are indeed birth control babies. There we were, thinking we were all responsible and shit, and basically, I was facilitating my body to do what it should have done normally anyway. The doctor said however that this was probably likely due to the type of birth control I was on, that caused my hormonal levels to be at just the right point. And since my pituitary adenoma was also likely a contributor - fighting back at the birth control, making me prime for fertilization - the chances of that being the issue now are much slimmer, as my pituitary seems to be attacking the other adrenals these days anyway.

Needless to say, I'm really really glad SO had a vasectomy. So um. Sorry for the up close and personal. But you know. Inquiring minds, et al.

K wore his Jayne hat with pride today, citing that it matched his coat perfectly, and nobody else on the playground would have one. C wants one but not in the crazy orange and yellow and redness - she wants one in blue tones. So I went to Giant Tiger and picked up some cheap yarn (no sense in getting wool when acrylic will do and is just as warm) so tonight I start making a blue Jayne hat.

Well. I think that's enough update for now, hmm?

Anniversary was good, and something I've chosen not to discuss on the internet.

Yesterday I got to sleep in, then headed to the inlaws' home for my brother in law's belated birthday dinner. My MIL wasn't there of course so guess who got most of the food done by the time she actually managed to show up? Yeah.

It was chinese food - brotherinlaw's favorite food. I managed to convince her to oven bake some of it. I hate most deep-fried food, mostly because it just sits like lead in my belly. Not to mention it makes my clothes smell like a deep fryer. Ugh. But everyone seemed to love the food so hooray.

Sisterinlaw brought over her suicidal friend's daughter to the birthday, a move which baffled me but I couldn't be bothered to bring it up at the time. Mostly yesterday I hid in a spare room and talked with her about everything else. She did mention that dude was not allowed to have his daughter unsupervised, and had moved back home to facilitate this. Then she mentioned she had another awkward moment over the weekend with another male friend of hers. I told her she needed a red herring of sorts - did she happen to know any gay men who were game in pretending to be her lover? At least if she had "someone" it would deter others from confessing their undying love every other weekend.

I'm just not shaking off this sad stuff. Somebody give me a reason to laugh already.

Happy annivesary darling.

I really love the Gary Jules cover of Mad World.

As much as Smallville irritates the hell out of me (The Outer Limits meets Melrose Place. Niiiice. Plus I probably wouldn't be so irked by it if I weren't forcefed every episode back to back a la clockwork orange) I do have to say they have the best music. It's like the producers are channeling Quentin Tarantino - they know what songs are going to give the right feel to a scene.

I'm just mentioning Smallville because that's where I first heard the cover.

I'm just babbling now. I've had a very long week. Today I do my PAR interview with my boss. Guh. I'm just not in the mood for this.

This Saturday is my six yr anniversary. Well, six years married, anyhow. We are going out for dinner and all that jazz, which is fine but I just. I just feel like huddling under blankets and watching a sad movie and letting him play with my hair until I fall asleep. Nothing more. It's true, what I was told once, that sometimes being with me is like courting sadness. That mantle on my shoulders can get pretty heavy.

I'm not being all drama-queen woe-is-me here. There are things in my life and about my life that are large contributors to my sadness. For the most part I just shrug it off, and most people that know me in general can attest that I'm normally a happy go lucky jokester. In all honesty I'm pretty selective about who I allow to witness me when I'm feeling like this - I'm good about putting the happy on in public especially. That stems from years and years and years of playing "everything's perfect" in my household. I don't know if it's the European upbringing or something - more than likely though. You know, that whole "Oh my what will the neighbors think" thing.

At some point I will write about my phone conversation with the prosecutor, the extra-long appointment at the gynecologist, and spending 2.5 hrs on the phone with a friend who kept asking me for my honest opinion and then kept pestering me because I was giving her my honest opinion instead of the answer she wanted to hear. But right now I am just going to listen to sad music and try and get it out of my system before heading for work.

No reason for the title, just had the tune in my head.

So. The courthouse called today but unfortunately I didn't get the guy's message until he had already left for the day. So my morning agenda has calling him back on the top of the list. I will let you know how it goes.

Wednesday I have off - time to be spent going to see gynecologists and etc.

Talked w/sir T on the phone, which is always interesting banter at the very least. Discussed current situation w/SIL. Considered possibility of gathering forces and getting a group to play board games or whatever, however scheduling is becoming a quick nightmare. Welcome to the Christmas season (yes already).

Which reminds me, I need to call a few places about reservations for the employee Christmas party. Yes I got suckered into planning it. Hush.

Today was a day from hell at work, I had a terrible migraine and every second call involved something complex that required some investigation and callbacks. Bleh.

Bags under my eyes are only slightly smaller - I really need to do something about that not sleeping thing.

Dead tired
Originally uploaded by sadsilliness.

My sistern in law came over yesterday just a mess. A friend of hers decided to attempt suicide, shortly after she told him they could only ever "just be friends". She feels terrible of course and blames herself - understandably, as her ex boyfriend killed himself a couple of years ago. She feels at fault and is scared of relationships now.

I jokingly told her that her only option now was to become a monk. She was grateful that I was home as I provide good distractions - I know exactly how she is and know that what she didn't need was someone going "oh honey boo hoo that's right cry it out". I mean I let her cry a little and hugged and hugged her like the Dickens, but then I straightened her up and poured her some wine. We made brownies and then she stayed for supper. We talked about whatnots and nothings and I made her laugh and bit back my anger at that selfish boy who made an attempt on his life in so selfish a gesture it makes me absolutely sick to think about it.

This guy has a daughter who is barely three. He apparently has been in love with my sisterinlaw since he met her years ago in high school. She and he lost track of each other, then started hanging out recently. On my sisterinlaw's part there were no feelings, she made no advances, there was no physical aspect to the relationship that would allow for these emotions of his to give way. Apparently he was being treated for depression and some other thing. She and he had an argument wherein she told him explicity and firmly that she did not feel about him in any sort of romantic/sexual way and she never could. She thought they were friends and she was sorry if he ever thought there could be anything else, but she thought she had made herself pretty clear. After she left apparently he took all his medication at once. He is now at the hospital, incoherent and in restraints. Something inside of him snapped and I told my sisterinlaw - she cannot control these things. She has no control over what he does to himself, no more than he could control her feelings. The fact that he KNEW exactly what she has gone through, KNEW how much she went through to get over blaming herself about her ex-boyfriend's suicide, makes it all the worse and makes what he did absolutely pathetic and terrible.

My sisterinlaw's culpability in this is nonexistant, but that is not how she feels at this point in time. In any case, we then went to the pharmacy and got hair dye and dyed her hair. We didn't have enough dye though so we had to go back a second time. The first adventure to the pharmacy resulted in my bumping into someone I hadn't seen in years, and this person I saw has this way about them that causes my heart to stop and I never know what to do. I don't know where to put my hands and where to look or how to be. I can't explain why this happens to me whenever I encounter this person - it just does, and it always leaves me reeling as though I'd been struck by cold water.

I did my best to shake it off though, as I had a mission in keeping my sisterinlaw company. She could tell something was off though. It didn't matter, I managed to cheer her up a bit and she went home in much better spirits than when she first arrived.

I have not slept much in the past while and you can tell. Photo evidence above indicates that the baggage on my eyes could not get any lower if it tried. Any remedies for insomnia are appreciated, but keep in mind I refuse to take sleeping pills and gave up on counting sheep long ago.

Ran into someone I didn't expect to and felt so many confusing and conflicting emotions my heart stopped.

I don't really want to elaborate; just wanted to put that into the ether. How can this happen still? It just...

Cappucino and Maltesers... breakfast of champions!
Originally uploaded by sadsillyness.

Cappucino and Maltesers... breakfast of champions!

Bwahaha. I dropped the kids off at school, picked up funds to be deposited into the council account, and came home and had evil breakfast. Photo evidence shown above.

I remember when I was a kid I couldn't wait until I was grown up so I could have ice cream for breakfast if I wanted, etc. Then I actually became a grownup and felt the need for things like eggs and toast and whatnot. But every once in a while I indulge that little girl in me clamoring for bad non-breakfasty things.

The snow is still lightly on the ground. We'll see if it lasts the weekend.

Oooooo it's Friday the thirteenth! I would be worried if I were into that superstitious mumbo-jumbo. It's also the day after Alistair Crowley's birthday. It's also the day that Lemony Snicket finally ends the Beaudelaire children's saga. I'm most excited about that last bit of information.

I ordered books one through ten from C's scholastic order, and eagerly anticipate their arrival. Only 30 bucks for all ten books! Talk about steal. I don't care if they're paperback. I just saved a kajillion dollars without even trying. Now I only have to buy 11 to 13 (and probably also the Beatrice Letters). The nice thing is C is just about getting to the age where she would absolutely love these books.

I am so glad my kids are bookworms. In the age of electronics, it's tough competition against television and video games. Don't get me wrong - my kids love those things too. Everything in moderation, right? But they will plunk down and read/be read to for hours and hours without getting bored.

The auditors are gone from work hurrah! From the email from my boss it looks like they were impressed. Now we are on to employee review time - interviews etc. I'm a little nervous as this is my first formal review since starting there. I'm sure I'll be fine but there's this stone at the pit of my stomach just agonizing over it.

Ok time to go to the mall and see about some books. This weekend I'm supposed to go to a book club gathering to drink sake, eat sushi and sashami and discuss Memoirs of a Geisha. I absolutely loved the book. The beginning was a little slow - I found the preface would be a turn-off if that was how you were to judge the book. But man oh man. Interesting? You bet your bootiepie.

Ok time to go. Seriously.

Let it Snow!, originally uploaded by sadsillyness.

So we had flurries today after all. I'm very glad I sent the kids with hats and mitts and boots.

Took C to the mall tonight to re-pierce one of her ears. When she got them done initially, one side got pierced crooked and as a result her body rejected it and pushed it out entirely. She's all better now thanks to her bravado and a little emla cream. She's all better now and it was pretty exhausting.

I put in the other earring so that she wasn't lopsided earrings wise. They look nifty and she is very happy with the result. It's given her something to talk about at school that is for sure.

Time to go pretend I'm a bear and hibernate a while on the couch, with some cappucino and a book or movie. I will probably end up watching Aeon Flux for the fifteenth time this week. I cannot help that I am a sap.

Here's hoping the snow goes "poof" and Halloween is warm.

The forecast over the next day or so includes FLURRIES. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. Over.

So for the first time since, well to be honest since ever, I took the kids out boot shopping early, in preparation for the impending doom aka Canadian winter. We managed to find boots for K right away at Payless. However, we are now running into a problem with C. She is size 4 generally but to make the boots last we'd have to go 1/2 size to 1 size up. That brings her into ladies sizes. That is fine whatever but most women's boots at payless are for fashion not function, and come with a kickass heel on them. So we tromped through Sears to see if they had any - suuuure they did. For 99 bucks a pair. I'm not about to spend that much on a pair of boots I know that my daughter is going to outgrow in a year. Call me miserly all you like - it just doesn't make sense, fiscally speaking. So we went to my last resort - Zellers. There she hemmed and hawed and tried on fifty bajillion pairs until she finally found a decent, affordable pair of black lace-up boots that will keep her feet warm up to temperatures of 20 below celsius. Hurrah, says I. I still ended up shellng out about 90 bucks total for both of their boots - yowsa. But I know they'll have warm feet and the boots will fit them through the cold season.

So naturally they wanted to wear them this morning. Not only that, they wanted hats and mitts, too. Who was I to argue against that point - it's 4 degrees out there, and the wind is getting mighty chilly. At first I figured "oh boy my kids'll be the only ones decked out at school" but nope, lots of kids were dressed more warmly, except of course for the age 11 and up crowd. They're too cool to be cold.

That's it for today. I mostly just wanted to rant about how friggin expensive women's boots are. I mean it wouldn't be so bad if I could wait until mid-season to catch a sale, but I can't do that in this situation.