So I started training a new guy yesterday to take my place. He is young, gads, only 18. Cripes. He is also the first guy to ever do this job. It's always been girls.
 
After work I had to rush to get myself together to go to my friend JD's wedding. I ended up going alone because of babysitting issues. It was a lovely wedding and JD looked gorgeous, as did everyone. I took my daughter to the church with me, she was pleased as punch that I did so. But I sent her back home afterward.
 
The reception was good as well and fun. Except I was lonely for SO. I hate going to functions alone sometimes, I always get the "where's SO?" question and then the raised eyebrow as I try to explain the situation. Some people are vultures circling, waiting for something bad to happen so they can feed on it.
 
M scraped up her leg bad falling down the steep hill at the Vic Inn (where reception was at) parking lot. It was pretty nasty, but after a few drinks in her she felt fine hehehe. I sat at a table with some people I haven't seen in a long while, that was good. The funny thing about weddings is that there is of course the inevitable wedding talk among couples who are and are not married. The couples who are married inevitably warn the couples who are not married to ELOPE! DO IT! FORGET THE WEDDING STUFF!
 
Personally, I wanted to elope to Las Vegas and get married there, but, hmmm how can I explain this? My father had been dreaming about walking his daughter down the aisle and celebrating with family and friends since the day I was born. How could I possibly not grant him that?
 
In any case, a good time was had by all. Instead of clinking plates or singing songs about love to get the couple to kiss, we had to go up and tell a story about them or tell a joke. I found that to be a much better option. I went home early, however, because I was still tired from the night before (my son still having issues getting used to his "big boy bed").
 
Today I actually get the day off, WOO.
 
But Monday I work 7am-11am and then back in from 3pm-11pm. Fuckers. I am gone from their clutches in 2 weeks. Holy wow. Two weeks!
 
Ok. Time to do things.

I am spinning in circles.

You said you would tread gently; I hope you do, but not too gently. I need to remember what it means to be strong even when you are so very small.

I need to remember a lot of things.

Dear heart, the head and I have talked, would you mind it if you would stop breaking a little while? The tear ducts are going on strike and frankly, it is giving us a headache.

xo

G.

She says, "It's only in my head."
And she knows she's more than just a little misunderstood.
She has trouble acting normal when she's nervous.
 
I am feeling like I am going on an emotional roller coaster. My heart is a piece of pottery dug up from the earth, be careful, it is so old and fragile, you could shatter it if you aren't careful.
 
If you dusted it off you would find behind the layers of debris a cacophany of scenes that would both melt and shatter you.
 
I am not near so melodramatic as I seem. But I would like to be, if only for today. I hope that is ok with you.
 
Round here, we talk just like lions,
But we sacrifice like lambs.
Round here,
She's slippin' though my hands.
 
I don't know who I am anymore but I am slowly starting to find out. What frightens me to no end is that, in the end, when I finally emerge and be who I am meant to be, I will be standing alone.
 
And yet at the same time, I welcome that.
 
I am a fuckton of mixed-up craziness.Do you even care? Who reads this, anyway? Really now.
 
She says, "Shh... I know, it's only in my head."

Days are glomming into each other. I have been emotionally frazzled. HUGS ARE APPRECIATED.

I get to train soon, this should be interesting.

I am still messed up as far as daycare goes. *sigh*

I got excellent surprises from PI, J, and Q. They all have impeccable timing; I needed the lift.
 
I wrote something new. It exhausted me. Writing about stuff that has to do with my life always does exhaust me but after I am finished with it I feel... relief? Something akin to that.

Work is giving me $$ advance for my expenses and a car. YAY! This makes me feel a bit better about things, I hate the idea of paying upfront and then having work dick around and not refund for say YEARS.

Not that that's happened before, or anything. *cough*

I had more to say but I lost it. That seems to be the theme of late. Speaking of themes, it is fun playing themerati, the bastardized version of literati. Although not as easy as you may think!

Today is just not a very good day. I suppose it started with my son getting me up at 2:30 in the morning and my not sleeping since. Carried on with the chilling fact that I am going to have to shell out $170 (before tax mind you) for day care to watch my kids every afternoon when I take on this new job, thus putting me in the exact same amount of money left over as I am now, no improvement there. SO isn't helping by beeing moody as all hell. Oh yes, he called me a bitch today.

So now I'm in between shifts of working. Only a few more weeks and then I'm free of this god-awful position.
 
That is my mantra. "Soon I will be free."
 
Playing Ben Harper mp3's to give me energetic feeling. Hopefully I can trick myself into it. THANK YOU CBN FOR GIVING ME ACCESS TO YOUR PRETTIES. XOXOOk. Brain melting.
 
Not enough sleep in me. Too many hrs working. Write more later.

Have you ever:
 
01. fallen for your best friend?: yes.
02. made out with JUST a friend?: yes
03. been rejected?: yes
04. been in love?: of course!
05. been in lust?: well duh.
06. used someone?: never.
07. been used?: unfortunately, more often than not.
08. cheated on someone?: define "cheated".
09. been cheated on?: see above.
10. been kissed?: yeah.
11. done something you regret?: i regret nothing.
 
who was the last person....
12. you touched? my son, i gave him a hug and a kiss before putting him into bed
13. you talked to? with a voice? uhmm... my mom.
14. you hugged? see #12
15. you instant messaged? eh, feck, i don't know. lotsa people.
16. you kissed? *kiss* kissed? my husband.
17. you yelled at? same person i kissed.
18. you laughed with? my kids.
19. you had a crush on? i try not to crush and tell.
21. who broke your heart? i'm a mom, my heart breaks on a daily basis.
 
do you...
22. color your hair? yes. any color you can imagine.
23. have tattoos? no, but hoping to get one this summer.
24. piercings? aside from my ears?
25. have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both? no, my husband wouldn't approve
26. floss daily? yes.
27. own a web cam? no, thank goodness!
28. have aol? nope. i use aim though.
29. what are you wearing? kinky bastage, i'm not answering that!
 
favorite...
30. car?: ARMY TANK
31. place? : can't narrow it down.
32. thing to do on a rainy day?: watch movies
33. ... sunny day?: have a picnic
34. ... boring day?: read something
35. ... good day?: spend time with loved ones
36. ... bad day?: kick things
37. friends?: i don't play favorites with friends, yo.
38. person?: my kids tie this one up.
39. movie(s)?: anything with john cusack in it, and uhmmm this is tough. i like lotsa movies.
40. song(s)?: again, i can't play favorites
41. color(s)?: black, silver, red, purple, white
42. food(s)?: ice cream!
43. drink(s)?: water, milk, tea
44. memory?: my first kiss
45. features of the opposite sex?: eyes, shoulders, hands
 
what...
46. do you do in the mornings?: wake up to hungry baby noises, feed my kids, make some coffee, read the paper if i'm lucky, every day is different, i don't have a "typical" day.
47. ... afternoons?: stuff with kids/work/whatever.
48. ... evenings?: see 46/47
49. do you like to watch on daytime tv?: i don't like television.
51. makes you swoon?: john cusack (hahaha), men who can pull off smoking a cigar without looking ridiculous, good music
52. makes the guys/girls swoon about you?: I don't know, ask them.
53. makes you happy?: making others happy
54. ... sad?: memories
55. ... mad?: selfishness
56. ... feel good?: an un-looked-for message/phone call from someone i have been thinking of.
57. would you rather be doing?: traveling the world.
58. are you listening to? the gentle hum of the air conditioning
59. can you do anything freakish with your body? yeah, wanna see? :p
 
Random Questions:
60. chicken or fish? fish
61. do you have a favorite animal? cats. meow!
62. is ice cream the best thing in the world? no, but it is pretty damn high up there!

New work coming up quickly.
 
Old boss getting cranky.
 
Me feeling happy and nervous and excited and everything all at once.
 
I have to iron out details about getting a company car and cash advance. Also directions to the workplace and maybe to places to sleep that are near place of training. It is kind of going to be nice to have some time to myself. I still am scrambling to find good daycare. *sigh*
 
Things you may or may not know about me:
 
I hate cherries because their texture reminds me too much of olives, which I also hate.
 
Up until last week, I had never tried mango or any mango derivative. Last week I had some mango juice. It was yum.
 
Never tried avocado, either; no, not even in guacamole (spell that? guacamole? guacamoli? bah). I still haven't and probably won't for some time.
 
I am allergic to: blueberries, mustard, and marijuana.
 
I have a brother. He is 18 months younger than I am.
 
I owned the movie "The Shawshank Redemption" for TWO YEARS before cracking it open to watch it. And then it became a favorite.
 
I went to the island of Sao Miguel, Portugal when I was sixteen.
 
I love tomatoes. I will eat them like apples, given the chance.
 
I also love David Bowie.
 
That's all for now. Have a good day, folks.

Here is a snippet of my life.
 
the story. my daughter comes up to me a while back and says "i know a sekrit. a deliciously yummy sekrit. and i'm not tellin' nobody."
 
i say "not even me?"
 
she says "ok but just you!"
 
i say "well, what is it punkin?"
 
she looks around all conspiratorial-like, and then creeps up close and angelic whispers "i love you to the moon! and you are the bestest in the world!"
 
she told me this not minutes after i gave her crap for not cleaning up after herself.
 
the secret she taught me was the secret of unconditional love. that it does indeed exist in others, and it isn't just me. unconditional love is possible and you should settle for nothing less.
 
out of the mouths of babes...in any case, it isn't as big a deal as it seemed, not to anyone outside of myself. but the line struck a chord. Children open up your eyes in unfathomable ways. It is amazing.
 
When I think about what I did before kids, it feels both hollow and good. Good because I didn't know any better, hollow because now I know what I was missing.
 
Some (not all but SOME) single people hate to hear parents gush about kids. They can't comprehend it until they are in the moment.
 
Is that interesting enough, D? :P

Long week last week and longer weekend.
 
I got the job and all is well on that front except now I have to scramble to find reliable daycare.
 
And my boss is being nasty about it because she wasn't around when it all took place. WELL FUCK THAT she has no control over me or my life (and she HATES that, she is a total control freak).
 
In any case FUCK IT I didn't go looking for this behind anyone's back it dropped in my lap and I took the opportunity.
 
Haircut from HELL this weekend I ended up going home and crying and then cutting way more off to fix it. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
 
So yeah. I had more to say but I lost it. I'm going crazy I think.

So I got offered a job in a different department today. I would basically be doing customs stuff making sure things get across the border safely.
 
It would require 2 weeks of training in W. Dudes, that's a 3-4 hr drive away. So they will be paying for my accomodations &etc.
 
Except it means 2 weeks away from kids (excluding weekend).
 
At the same time, it means 2 weeks to myself!
 
But it means 2 weeks of an empty hotel bed.
 
But it means 2 weeks to myself!
 
Obviously, I have mixed feelings.
 
SO is being a bit of a doody-head about it. Oh well.

So I went to the hospital from work yesterday because they thought I had a stroke.
 
 

I don't know what happened to the missing letters. Leave me be.
 
A - Age: guess!
 
B - Best Quality: open-minded
 
C - Choice Of Meat: bloody rare steak
 
D - Dream Date: John Cusack. Meow. Oh wait, you meant what would I want to do? Meh, whatever suits the mood.
 
E - Exciting Adventure: Trekking through a jungle. Or in space!
 
F - Favorite Food: spaghetti, nectarines, peaches, ice cream
 
G - Greatest Accomplishment: Waking up every morning and still believing the world is/can be a beautiful place.
 
H - Happiest Day of Your Life: Tied between my daughter and my son being born.
 
I - Interests: words, music, movies. Observing people.
 
K - Kool-Aid?: Yes please. I'm parched!
 
L - Love: Unconditional. Why settle?
 
M - Most Valued Thing I Own: My responsibility.
 
N - Name: guess!
 
O - Outfit You Love: ...on me? Whatever fits comfortably.
 
P - Pizza Toppings: pepperoni, pineapple, extra sauce
 
Q - Question Asked To You The Most: "Can I ask you something?" and "Why?"
 
R - Request a song on the radio: Catch
 
S - Sport To Watch: Wrestling! Or hockey.
 
T - Television Show: Sex in the City, The Simpsons
 
U - Your favorite movie: The Shawshank Redemption. Or High Fidelity.
 
W - Winter: cold but beautiful
 
Y - Year Born: 19--
 
Z - Zodiac Sign: Leo, baby. Mrowr!
 
---------
 
now off to work I go. Phooey.

So Friday was soooo hectic, I had a million things to run around and do before hb and ca and hm came by. Thy arrived at 3pm SHARP. It was so good to see them but I am also painfully shy and therefore didn't really know what to do with myself at first. My kids were visibly shy and unsure because these were strangers hehe.
 
Then C brought out the barbies.
 
Imagine, if you will, ca playing hairdresser while hb had to say "hi! hi! hi!" a million times. hm wisely sat back and stayed out of the way.
 
I made them supper, spaghetti and sauce. It wasn't anything big, mainly because it was grocery day and that was one of the things on my REALLY BIG LIST OF THINGS TO DO (tm) that didn't get done. They seemed to enjoy it anyway.
 
They are beautiful people and I was so glad they could come, and wished I didn't have other obligations that night. I would have liked to have shown them my city, it is quite pretty indeed.
 
At one point I just sort of sat back and listened to ca hm and hb talking with each other. I am one of those people that likes to observe. I was also fighting off a massive headache.
 
The phone must have rang eleventy billion times, this too was aggravating me. Oh and then there was the coffee maker bit. I have been arguing with SO about cleaning the coffee maker for some time now, I insist he does it because it was his bright idea to make a full pot of coffee a half hour before he left for work while the kids and I were gone, he insists I should because, well, I'm the mom. So he promised to clean it before they came over, and of course, he did not. Bastage.
 
My father came and picked up my daughter for the night and then it was just me and K and my guests. They stayed until 6:30 and then they had to go. It was lovely to see them but also bothersome I couldn't spend more time. They left and I being the emotional train I am started to cry a little.
 
Then I dropped K off at my in-laws' home and I was off to meet friends at a friend's home to go out to see Puppetry of the Penis. It was hilariously funny, my jaw hurt from laughter and it is definitely worth watching. We went to see it for a stagette type thing to do for JD.
 
Then we went to Sammy's Garage for a few drinks. I was designated driver as was JK. This seemed to piss JD off because she wanted us all to be drinking but also I think she expected a limosine to cart us around and was disappointed when we didn't have one. Well lady it cost money for those tickets and we felt it was worth it. Some people just can't be happy.
 
So K-W is a non-smoking type city now, people had to smoke in this alleyway between Sammy's and Howl at the Moon. The two pubs are accessible to each other by this ramp they made attaching the two. on the ramp is a door that leads into a closed-off alley. This has become the smoking section, thus being sort of closed up but still going by regulations as it is "outside" the building. I was a bad girl and had a cigar or two. But hey, special occasion, right?
 
I got a free CD that night too, some guy just handed it to me. This cheesed off quite a few of the Sammy's patrons, because they felt it unfair they had to beg and do stupid things for em when I just got one handed to me. Suckers. It was an ok night but I tend to avoid bars, they are loud and stupid and the music is all the same after a while. Eventually some of us snuck off to Howl at the Moon for some food, we were starving. I got Chicken thangs, boy were they hot! Very very much so. I liked them but a few people foolish enough to scarf some from me were in for a surprise.
 
By 2:30 am I was more than ready to leave as were a few other people. ON the way home I listened to drunken mutterings about people not having fun and why can't they just lighten up already. I blacked out and don't remember half the trip home, I'm glad we made it safe. I just barely missed a family of raccoons crossing the road. I was thus declared a hero for stopping in the nick of time.
 
We get back to my house and I park S's car in the lot (I drove her car to K-W, ours is even less reliable than hers so it was a no go for my car). S and M and Ju left off in search of more fun whilst I crawled into bed.
 
I got to sleep in Saturday, it felt glorious.
 
Saturday day was ok, we went and supported the Ride for Sight barbecue, SO's brother is participating in it as well as his aunt. Then we went to get some ice cream from Scoopers, a place we have been going to since it opened back in the spring of 1997.
 
Watched Ocean's Eleven on Saturday night after the kids went to bed, my brother lent the movie to me. It was quite good, although the character played by Julia Roberts could have been better played by someone else.
 
I love caper movies so this was just a great ending to a pretty good day.Sunday I worked and so did SO. MJ, SO's brother watched the kids for us. It was very nice of him but he almost showed up too late and I ended up being a bit late for work because of it.
 
I have more to say on all the events but I am getting head-achey. I spent all morning in the sun helping my mother-in-law with her garden. Gold stars for me.
 
Wow this entry is the longest one I have done in some time. Go me!

I am still processing everything that happened yesterday, it was so full of goodness.
 
Thank you beautiful dearlings who visited me, I love you all.
 
I'm sorry if I seemed subdued, I was fighting off a terrible headache. I did my best to hide it.
 
The show was hilarious and I highly recommend going. The rest of the night was... interesting.
 
I will type more when I am ready. I am so glad you guys came.
 
Thank you and thank you and thank you.

So it looks like the ca/hb/hm train isn't coming here after all.
 
It's all good. I'm tired and weepy.
 
Good night, moon

So we took daughter to go see Spider-Man last night. She's been craving wanting to go see it forEVER and SO and I discussed it and talked about it and conferred with each other and decided we would take her to see it.
 
She loved it. One minor point: She complained about wanting to go home during the Peter/Mary Jane scenes. Just proof in point that Kirsten Dunst/Tobey MaGuire don't have enough chemistry to pull it off. Tobey MaGuire is the *perfect* Spider-Man, so don't get me wrong. But ugh. Watching them do key scenes in the romantic sub-plot just made me want to gag. C made the theatre laugh however when it was the end Norman Osborn's funeral and she realized that Spider-man had won she shouted "SPIDER-MAN SAVED THE DAY! HE GOT THE GREEN GOBLIN! HOORAY!" just minutes after Harry told Peter he was going to get Spider-Man some day...
 
Anyway...I have to work today and in between shift have to go to a bridal shower, but the location has moved and I have no idea where it is now so I am thinking of saying to hell with it and just rest at home until I have to go back in.
 
Ca and hb and hm are coming to see me next week, WOO! Ooooog. Don't. Wanna. Work.