Have I ever mentioned my friend V?

Probably not. The reason being - I miss her so very much. There is a huge vacancy in my life that is left especially for her, and no matter what I do, nothing and nobody else can fill it. We were friends in college, and of all my "college friends" she is the only one that has stuck. What I mean is, I don't write about her much because there is so much to say. But I think of her all the time. She moved to England quite a few years ago. We get together maybe every 2 years if we are lucky. If she or I could afford it the visits would be much more frequent.

Today I got a package in the mail from her. She gave me "eat pray love" by Elizabeth Gilbert, and a CD of her making. It was so strange because I have seen this book on shelves in stores all over lately, and have felt drawn to it, but always held back from getting it. Now I know why. She wrote all over the inside cover of the book and I cried. And I read the tracks on her CD and I laughed and then I listened and then I cried.

All I really wanted to say here is, I miss her.

I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
the rhythm of my footsteps crossing flood lands to your door have been silenced forever more.
the distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
it seems farther than ever before
oh no.

I need you so much closer

(death cab for cutie - transatlanticism)

After 6 hrs at the hospital yesterday, guess who has pneumonia on top of everything else?

Will be celebrating my birthday with a nice round of antibiotics, possibly followed by some ice cream and ginger ale. Whoopieee.

As an extra special present for K today, my cousin Lola's babies were born!

I can be excited about this because she and they are doing fine, but wow it must have been a scary time for her. From my aunt's info it appears as though she was suffering from toxemia, she was doing better but then overnight took a turn for the worse and the doctors decided to get the babies out via C-section. So today at noon little baby girl was born, 3 lbs, and a minute later little baby boy was born, around 3 lbs as well. The hospital will likely keep the babies until they are bigger.

I'm so happy for her I can't even begin to express it. After all the struggling they had to get these little angels, I'm glad that things are ok.

K is extra thrilled because he gets to share a birthday with them. He was a little bummed because he wanted to sing happy birthday to them on the phone, when I explained they weren't available and why he said it was ok he would make them a card and give it to them later.

So it's been a pretty terrific day actually.

My boy is EIGHT today!

He was pretty surprised at his cake.



This morning I made him chocolate chip pancakes with hearts cut into them for breakfast, as per his request. Supper tonight will be sweet n sour meatballs & french fries (also his request. A weird combo but it is tradition that the birthday boy or girl gets to request their meal).



So the short term income people were fucking me over stating I had to start work today for 4 hours. My regular shift is only 5 hours. Huh? How does that equal half a shift, like my fucking doctor wrote on the forms? I talked to the medisys people on Friday and the woman was totally uncool about it - said there was no way that my company would allow for 2.5 hrs and it would HAVE to be four.

So of course I'm upset - I can barely do groceries without needing a nap afterward, whiskey tango foxtrot over.

I called my boss on Friday and he said there was "no way in hell I will allow you to come back in those conditions" and "sit tight, I will handle this" and "the medical insurance company is probably pissed that we are taking the business away from them and giving it to another company" and "DO NOT COME BACK UNTIL I CALL YOU".

I called today and left a message to see what was going on - he called back and said that he was looking into it, that HR agreed with him and said there was no way I should come back all at once, that they could even set it up that I only come back 1 hour and then work my way up slowly at my own pace. And that the medical ins co could suck it. Ha and HA. So he said even if I don't get a call back in enough time today, he would *winkwinknudgenudge* give me hours as if I had (knowing full well that I've on more than one occasion stayed an extra hour and never put it on my time sheet - this is strictly a quid pro quo move on his part).

The only reason he is being so cool about this is because he knows what I am usually like - I'm that person that comes in even though I'm dying, I'm the person that is cool about staying extra time when it's needed, and I'm the person that gets a METRIC FUCKTON of accolades from fellow employees, brokers, and lawyers that call in.

He said he would rather eat glass than see me come in before I am truly ready.

So yeah, basically, health wise, I'm better than I was say 2 months ago, but still not fabulous. I am more or less biting through the pain and trying to get my life back in order. The amitriptyline isn't doing shit for my sleeping, the doctor wants me to go up to 30mg by next week to see if that will work. And during the day I get to suck back the gravol for the dizziness and extra strength advil for the pain and just pray my vision/hearing doesn't go off on me. It isn't much of a solution but what can you do, right?

I've also been set up with "telephone counselling" that may/could eventually turn into "counselling in an actual counsellor's office", depending on my needs. The first call from them was kind of weird, it was this whole "please tell me your life story and the principal characters in it" and the lady on the other side was ok but also went into tangents about herself (which I totally expected to happen - next time you talk to me, ask me what I really think about counselling). It was ok in that I got to complain to a semi-neutral ear, but bad in that, here we go again, I do more listening than talking and feel like I've wasted my time because they aren't really listening, they are pausing until there is a gap and then talking talking talking. Ugh.

Ok, time to go pick out a movie to watch with the kids (read: fall asleep to).

Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog

Come on, how much do I love it?



So very, very much.

It's up for free until midnight Sunday, so soak it up darlings. Otherwise you can then purchase it for a pretty small fee at itunes.

The answers here make me laugh and laugh.

So Jason Reitman made a short film called "Consent" back in 2004. It was on the internet for a while and then disappeared, but I found it again. It is hilarious, however I will warn the moms out there to wait until kids aren't present to watch it. There isn't any nudity or violence but.... ok just watch it, you'll understand

I wasn't giddy over this book, but there's this one quote that just sticks to me.

"I try to believe," she said, "that God doesn't give you more than one little piece of the story at once. You know, the story of your life. Otherwise your heart would crack wider than you could handle. He only cracks it enough so you can still walk, like someone wearing a cast. But you've still got a crack running up your side, big enough for a sapling to grow out of. Only no one sees it. Nobody sees it. Everybody thinks you're one whole piece, and so they treat you maybe not so gentle as they would if they could see that crack."

Rebecca Wells, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

Let the lamp affix its beam.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.

I'm back at square one, with nobody knowing what is wrong with me, and therefore unable to help. I've been put on amitriptyline to help me get some rest at night; unfortunately, it is making me groggy during the day as well. I'm being referred to an ENT specialist, a back specialist, and possibly another neurologist because the first one was - I don't even have words for what he was.

The possibility of my going back to work on modified hours is now looming over me, and I am actually happy about it for the most part. Mentally I need this. I need not only to have something new and outside of myself to focus on, but I need to feel useful. I need to contribute. I'm not the type that likes to sit at home and feel sorry for myself. I am frustrated, yes. I am exasperated, yes. I have been doing my utmost to refrain from complaints because, frankly, complaints aren't worth anybody's time. And they don't get you very far. There are people out there in much greater need of help than I am - I am not so self-centered as to believe the world must spin around me and my worries. Whether I am physically ready for this is another story altogether, but I am nothing if not tough.

In the meantime, the bellows of my lungs continue to pump air through my body, although sometimes they falter. The little muscles and valves in my heart click and pull and do the job they are meant to do, pumping life through me, again only pausing for a break now and again. I keep convincing myself that one day I will wake up, fully functioning, and looking at this as some horrific dream. And every morning, I trick myself into it, until little by little it all comes crashing down. All the king's horses...

Much as I love CSI, I have to admit that the recent news of Billy Peterson leaving the show makes me feel as though anything they do afterward would be a magnificent shark jump. I didn't care much when Jorja Fox decided to jump ship a while back, knowing that eventually they would pull her back in. I admit that I was pretty upset to learn that Gary Dourdan was leaving the show, but not surprised.

But how do you replace such a pivotal character as Gil Grissom? (It pains me to link to wikipedia in any shape or form, but that's a pretty comprehensive description of the character, so I suppose it can stay). Based on this report, it appears as though CBS is trying to court a 'big name' to bring the fans around (Larry Fishburne? Kurt Russell? John Malkovich? I'm glad there was a scheduling conflict to take Malkovich out of the running, because, um, ewwww there's no way), but I think that it will be a tough act to follow. I am pleased that the rest of the original cast is remaining, but Grissom leaving is taking a big chunk out of the heart of the show.

That being said I am still willing to give the show the benefit of the doubt, but I have a feeling this upcoming ninth season may just be their last.

As for recent medical insanity, I'm still not up to talking about it. Sorry.

MRI results: No tumors, no bleeding. There was an incidental note of retention cyst/polyp in both maxillary sinuses (not something to get all up in arms about though).

Inconclusive otherwise.

I see my neurologist on Monday. My family doctor is frustrated as he has no answers for me.

Me: "What do I do about the excrutiating pain in my head and left side?"

Doctor: "I don't know?" (looking very flummoxed)

Me: "Excellent. That makes two of us."

So I'm to take the amitriptylene at night for now to help me sleep, and just wait it out till I see the neurologist. Just a few more days, right? I shouldn't die before that, right?

I am looking at the silver lining here: No tumors. No internal cranial bleeding. The headaches and severe pain I am having have no basis in something life-threatening, apparently.

Talked to a friend who has MS, she said to wait it out. Her first three MRI's came out clear before she got a diagnosis. She also said at least if there were no lesions/plaques apparent, then if I did have MS, that remyelinization was occuring and that was a *good* sign because it meant I was getting it early. (Earlier diagnoses make for better prognosis - aggressive therapy can stop a lot of the progression in its tracks.) In the end I am not caring much what it is as long as it's treatable and there is an answer for me to bring me back to normal life (whatever that is).

Had an x-ray of my back done this afternoon. That was uneventful, as x-rays go. Won't know results of that until next week.

Um. So yeah. How was your day?