I should have known when we went to the chinese restaurant today (my mother, myself, & the kidlets) and my fortune cookie had no fortune in it, that today would not go as planned.

Mom was taking the kids overnight so SO & I could have some VERY much needed time together. I left my Mom's at around 3 pm and went to the store & got some things... nice clothes (you know the kind I mean) and the cutest underwear that says "you're fired!" on them and they look like underoos and they made me laugh so there. The pseudo-underoos wasn't the things I got for SO, that was something for me. Anyway. Got SO his favorite drink and etc. Pulled out some steak & stuff for barbecue. Made my favorite pasta salad. Got myself together. Did a little laundry.

I was in a good mood and was even prepping stuff to make SO's favorite dessert - lava cake. Then a knock on the door and "didn't you get my phone messages?" - I didn't even bother checking when I walked in the door at 4. K is pretty sick, the poor little guy, and as a result, there will be no dinner, no talking, no nonsense, just me playing the role of mommy taking care of K. C is staying at my mom's house because she was so looking forward to it. K was too, so he must have been REALLY sick to ask to go home. :(

While I feel so bad for the little guy, and hate to see him sick, the little selfish person inside of me is going "it fucking figures, why do I even bother to try anymore?". I'm heartsick because there is a lonely inside of me in the shape of SO and it isn't the sexual type of lonely, though that is always good and great and wonderful, it is more of the companionship type in the way of "let's talk about anything but our roles as parents and employees". I want to be drawn up into his arms and held and spoken to and listened to and laughed at and with.

I just went out to start the barbecue, and slipped and fell ass-over-teakettle down the steps. Stupid snow and ice. Stupid life. *snarl*

I am stressed, and tense, and it's been one HELL of a week, and for once I just need to be selfish, goddammit, and I can't. I can't. And that makes me even more stressed and tense. Damn damn damn damn and damn.

So my local boss came back early from the Sault yesterday but I barely got a word in edgewise with him as I was busy helping the IT guy CS re-configure my new machine so that it could actually run the customs programs I need. Hooray for new machine, boo for having to stay at work till 5:30 because of it (seeing as I was there at 7:30 am, it made for a verrrrrry long day).

I confided in one co-worker about my wanting to defect and she said I should wait and talk to my local boss first and see what he can come up with - being that he is the HR manager perhaps he could place me elsewhere where I won't be so frustrated... Any job he'd offer better be damn hella good and fulfilling or I am probably sticking to my original plan and blasting out of there come September.

First off, thank you for responses and/or advice. I find it a little funny that the answer was a unanimous "QUIT!!!".

I've decided I am probably going to quit my job... but not for a few months yet. I have a few things that require more money than I'd make elsewhere, ie) some weddings and my parents' surprise 30th anniversary bash. I'm being pretty level-headed about this I think. I am also going in to the bank today to set up a separate account in which I will deposit 1/3 of my paycheck from now until the point I quit, which will likely be sometime in September or maybe even August if I can get away with it. This will provide me with some cushion should I have difficulty finding something part time at first.

SO and I need to sit down and discuss our finances a little more clearly as well so we can set out who is going to be responsible for what from this point forward, etc. He is being eerily calm about all of this while I am having little panic attacks inside about whether or not this is the right thing to do. It takes courage to quit outright and I'm a bit of a coward when it comes to quitting (my tenacious soul refuses to give things up sometimes because it makes me feel like, well, a quitter).

I ended up going home from work at 10 am yesterday due to a head-splitting migraine, and you know, for once I didn't feel guilty about leaving. My feelings have changed pretty monumentally when it comes to work now. I no longer feel the impulse to give 140% of my energy to it, because it gives nothing back to me but a paycheck and benefits. I'm tired of being their little doormat (I know that sounds melodramatic, but trust me, I was/am).

People have noted that something is different too - a good example would be when CD sent me a bill of lading with 25 parts on it, no country of origin information, no pricing, weights completely off (15lbs for 15 pens? GIVE ME A BREAK) and I just emailed her (which I never do, I hate emailing coworkers for things when the phone is 1 foot away) and gave her the run-down of what I needed. She responded with they were all made in Canada and made up phony pricing.

I then forwarded it to my boss in Novi (who has been really nice to me since my return - too little too late) who said he'd bet anything she was lying and I should call her on it. Well I did and she ended up saying forget it she wouldn't send it now because it wasn't worth the hassle - well no fucking shit lady. She's lazy as all hell and usually expects me to do all the hunting information down etc which takes up a great deal of time - and I refuse to do it anymore.

She called me later and asked me what the problem was - I told her that I was sick of expending more time than necessary on non-value-added shipments (they hate it when I slip in the managerial craptalk) and that in a company that embraces Lean values and the 6-Sigma regimen, it was foolish to waste time and effort on this. I was taking my time back for more important issues and that if she wanted something shipped, she would do it the right way, the first time around. She hung up on me.

I am dying to see if she bitches to my boss... something tells me she won't though because she knows I'm in the right here.

Anyway, off to work with me.

p.s. I got a new lunch pail! A black metal one that is awesome!!! And it only cost me 5 bucks!

more weird dreams, this time i can't remember them but they've left this lingering sleepy feeling in my eyes. ever look in the mirror but could not focus on yourself for the life of you? yeah, that feeling.

trying to explain my question yesterday with regards to my employ, it started by my coming home from yet another terrible day at work and pretty much crying in the car for the duration of SO driving me home. he said that it bothered him that only 3 days back into work, i'm already a mess of stress etc. and that i should just quit. that no matter what i decided, he would support that decision, but if it was a matter of money, that we would be okay, lots of families live on one income and we can do it too. that if it was a matter of my just wanting some independance, to find a little part time job that would be no-stress and still give me some playing money, but still let me do what i needed to do.

he said he and the kids really enjoyed having me home, and i have to admit it, i enjoyed being home. i don't know how long i've felt little pangs of jealousy over moms who worked part-time and got to do lots of things with their kids, get involved in their school & etc. i always shrugged these feelings off by telling myself that "eventually the kids get over their need for me and at least if i keep at this job i will have something to fall on etc" i don't even know what i'm saying anymore.

all i know is i spent a good long time crying last night and completely confused about what i should do.

http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,15968,00.html?tnews

Should I quit my job?

i had a really weird dream involving swimming and going through tunnels lined with books and then going on some messed up class trip of sorts where giant waves almost pulled me under and then there was my son in the middle of it and i swam to him and he was crying and so i taught him how to swim when there's giant waves coming at you so we made it to shore but what was really peculiar and a little bit frightening was that the water was black as ink.

i also had an abduction dream which i haven't had in a great long while but it had me woken up in a silent scream and sweating because they were putting this mask over my face and i felt so claustrophobic and i couldn't breathe and their thoughts stabbed into me like a thousand tiny knives.

I have this song stuck in my head damnit. Stupid radio.

If I was a rich girl
na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na

I am contemplating stabbing myself in the ear until it gets out.

(though others may answer as well)

If you had to recommend only three movies to me, which would they be? What draws you to these films?

I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.

BEST BELATED VALENTINE'S DAY GIFT EVER: (AKA the anti-Valentine Valentine)

The Special Edition DVD of "Say Anything"!!!

Those of you who know me, know that I love John Cusack in a retarded sort of way. My husband is no stranger to my partiality to this man. He has never encouraged it of course, so I was very very delighted to receive in my happy little hands this DVD. With the movie and the commentaries and the extended scenes and the deleted scenes and the alternate scenes and the featurette and *swoon*

...


Yes I am a nutcase for being happy over a movie. Leave me be.

by starlight i’ll kiss you
and promise to be your
one and only

woke up from a 10 minute nap after having no sleep for over 24 hrs and realized i forgot to post this most important thing:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY panamaus!!!

So I'm going in to the kids' school this afternoon to have a meeting with the principal and other parents of students in my daughter's class. Their teacher is being seen as unfit for her vocation (missing 30 days from September to December and then being off now until after the March break, yelling at the kids, making some of them in general feel uncomfortable, and sending most of their work home and leaving it up to us, the parents, to educate our children, to name a few of the problems going on) and some parents decided it would be better to address the issue en masse rather than piecemeal.

May seem harsh but the only ones getting hurt right now are our children and I refuse to let my child go to a school that isn't educating her. She is pretty tight-lipped about the whole thing which also sends out danger signals in my head because C is pretty vocal about everything. Hopefully at the very least this meeting will enlighten us as to what is going on... I'm guessing something is wrong with the teacher in her personal life that it could be affecting her professional life this much.

Well well well.

I just don't know what to think of that.

This just goes to show you the world is full of weird, weird people.

This is kind of funny, actually.

This really is funny.

OK I'm out.

I woke up this morning and me feet felt like they'd either been broken or walking a really, really long time. Strange.

You scored as Heart attack. Well, well. You were a good person, and a good bowler. You will die like so many others of your generation: before your time. In His wisdom, the Lord will take you, as he took so many bright flowering youngsters from Khe San, Lan Doc, and Hill 364! They gave their lives, and so will you... you, who loved bowling. Heart attack 100% Stroke.... Massive stroke 70% In front of your computer 70% You'll go down in flames for what you believe in 60% You will die utterly alone. 50% How Will You Die? created with QuizFarm.com

http://spacetree.keentoons.com/

Space tree!


Also I'm tired.


What was your favorite thing to do on a Saturday when you were a kid?