so monday evening i caved and went to the clinic. the doctor set me up with lots and lots of meds and sent me home. i slept most of tuesday and thought what the hell i'll try to go to work on wednesday.

by 10 am i was ready to fall into a corner under my desk and sleep. the nurse gave me shit for coming in and sent me home to bed. i said sure i'll just tie up a few loose ends first. next thing you know it's 1 pm and SO is there to take me home and i'm shaking from exhaustion. so today i am going to see my doctor to see how long i should be off work already. my novi boss is being nice about it which raises little alarm flags in my head but oh well what the hell right.

time to get C's school lunch together and think about getting them breakfast...

read note from teacher i found in bottom of C's schoolbag this morning about C kicking & shoving kids and telling kids she hates them. and not wanting to participate in class. and lots of other things. so i had a long talk with C and we all cried this morning me her and K in the kitchen because i am at my wit's end. i told her under NO circumstances was it ok to hurt other people, didn't she see how upset we got when K came home with bruises, how did she think other parents felt when their kids came home hurt and knowing SHE did it?

also discussed school and that she is there to do what she needs to do. just like when SO and i are at work, we are there doing what we need to do. we don't always like it but we don't always have a choice.

took her to school and talked to the teacher while she was out at before-class recess. we had a long discussion about the behavior and she said that she thinks part of the problem is that C internalizes too much, she has a temper (does she ever) and that she is too smart for the class. she is reading well beyond a grade 2 level and she's only in grade 1. she never has much homework to bring home because she does it all in class. she gets frustrated with reading group because others are stumbling over words that she knows like the back of her hand. she got word wizard status just this week for having 28 of 30 words spelled correctly when most of her class only are getting 10. she is in a mixed grade 1/2 class.

she seems to be doing very well with the circle of friends program (a program where she signs up to spend time with special needs children during recess to help them feel a part of the gang etc. we have several autistic students and celeste not only displays an unending amount of patience with them, she is truly caring about them and tries to include them when she can).

so she's doing a lot of positive things, said the teacher, but that her recent negative behavior is becoming a concern. she has pushed people in line quite a few times and kicked a boy once because he wanted her to run a marathon in order to be able to play with him & a few others. the principal knows of course and he suggested she set up a meeting with us. she said she wanted to let me decide that because she knew that SO & i are very involved in our kids' day-to-day lives and that she knew it wasn't a matter of getting through to us, for cooperation, because we would. she was hoping it was just a growing pain on C's part and didn't want to involve us if it could be resolved at school but that enough was enough. so i thanked her for letting me know what was going on and assured her i would continue to stress to C the importance of treating others the way she would like to be treated and continuing to work *with* others instead of refusing to do anything.

C confessed to me this morning that she's angry with me for being away at work so much, and why can't i be like other mommies who pick their kids up every day and bake cookies and volunteer in the classroom and do a million things i don't? and i told her i was trying, that i loved her just as much as other moms love their kids, probably even moreso. that i come to more things for her school than my mom ever had a chance to. that i always do things with her and her brother whenever i can, i don't just buy them toys and stick them in a corner, i take them to places and teach them things about their world and treat them like the wonderful special people that they are. that i am trying to find a different job so that i can spend more time at home. and that if she really wanted mommy home, she would have to give up some luxuries and we'd have to make do without some things. and she told me this: "you are better than EVERYTHING, mom, EVERYTHING" and she started bawling and i started to cry and then K cried too because he saw us crying and wasn't sure what we were going on about.

all that happened in the span of an hour.

then i went to see my doctor and he told me to stay home until at least tuesday, and see him again on monday to re-evaluate my health. i'm wheezing and coughing like a mofo. now i'm going to bed as i am stressed, tired, sick, and et cetera.

how was YOUR morning?

terrible chest cold which i am combatting with tylenol cold meds & rubbing vicks vapo-rub (which i have only now noticed expired 2 yrs ago, oops!) all over the place.

stayed home, take that stupid work place

also the boss from novi came on friday, i think i make him uncomfortable as it took him 40 minutes to explain something that should only have taken 5.

tired sleepy don't wanna

SO called in sick for me hurrah

also i am craving pop tarts.

JMc's grandma (on his mom's side this time) had a heart attack the night of his grandpa (on his dad's side) funeral.

Why has the world of almost everyone I love turned completely chaotic this past month or so?

The Walk for MS went over well, we had 574 walkers (200 less than last year) and managed to raise a running total of $92,750 (they are still adding up online donations) and that is $2k more than last year already. Not bad for our little city. The nice thing is after expenses all the money goes to our local chapter to help improve the quality of life for our residents suffering with MS.

Didn't go to work yesterday because I had to go to a funeral for my friend JMc's grandfather. It sucks that I haven't seen him in literally a year and this is how we managed to reunite. His grandpa was in a lot of pain for a long time though, I'm glad he's at peace. At the funeral his Dad introduced me to his grandma as "this is the girl JMc used to chum around with all the time, we were pretty sure they'd end up getting married but as luck would have it, they didn't. It would have been nice too she's a nice Portuguese girl, big family, but oh well things worked out in the end I guess." How do you even begin to respond to that? My own dad went up to JMc on my wedding day and told him "you know I always thought she would have ended up with you... I'm happy she's with SO, but still." WTF people? Platonic relationships *do* exist you know.

Don't want to go to work today because I'm tired, so very very tired. It was a long and exhausting weekend. Next weekend I get to move my sis-in-law's stuff out of her apartment (she's more or less been staying at my in-law's place since MH died) and on Wednesday we move my brother-in-law's stuff out of his ex-girlfriend's place (that is a long story right there) and SO agreed to store his stuff in our basement which vexes me to no end. We are NOT a storage center I'm tired of holding all his family's junk - if they don't need it GET FUCKING RID OF IT honest to Pete grr.

So yesterday the Director of HR for the Canadian end of our company came up to me and said, "M tells me you are looking to move up and on..." I said "yup." He said "That's a shame, you know, because you are EXCELLENT at this job... but I thought I'd let you know, we are working on something for you."


And then he walked away.


So I am wondering what's going on but know it won't be revealed to me until the last possible moment ie) 2 seconds before I go to tell them I'm quitting.

Have a funny feeling I'll be working late tonight, joy. Gotta be done though.

Walk for MS is this weekend and I'm not looking forward to that either because I have to speak publicly which normally doesn't bother me, but for some reason I'm really not looking forward to it this time...

so kevin has a bladder infection, my brother-in-law got kicked out by his nogood twotiming pathetic not-fit-for-motherhood-but-gee-has-a-kid-who
-she-let-him-watch-all-the-time-and-never-changed-a-goddamn-diaper-or-fed-or-
anything-and-it's-not-even-his-kid girlfriend, and i'm 4 weeks behind in some parts of my work (still a backlash from being away due to surgery), but things are still ok.

in a very not like me irresponsible turn of events, i skipped out on my walk for ms meeting (even though it's the last one before the day of the walk, bla bla bla, i just don't have it in me to care at the moment that i missed it), and convinced my sister-in-law that it would be a good idea to tag along with the boys for their wing night (every tuesday, they go out for beer & cheap chicken wings). i've crashed the boy party before with no issues, as i provide countless moments of amusement, and she was almost going to say no but then decided what the heck, she'd go.

a good time was had by all and she was very glad she went out and did something fun for a change. i think the interesting thing about these events is, the boys are usually the loudest table, and the talk almost never turns to sports, instead it is all computers and gaming and very occasionally nascar crap. so imagine walking by and hearing "so there i am gathering up some roots and this guy totally blindsides me from out of nowhere. so i turn around and start handing his ass back to him, but then a fucking bear came around and killed me." or "you know asshat, if you'd just heal me when i'm wounded we'd have a better chance of winning x event".

...

i just spent the last 5 minutes staring blankly at the screen. this is a good indicator that i am now prepared to head to work.

Cookie?!

So I had my employee performance review yesterday, it was a 2 hr meeting that resulted in:

- my telling nice boss that I felt like a square peg in a round hole
- my getting absolutely GLOWING reviews from everybody, including the mean boss, which blew me away
- my only getting a 2% raise, in spite of said glowing reviews
- nice boss being a little taken aback when i more or less told him find me something new or lose me in the next few months
- nice boss willing to accomodate once we've found something that fits.
- nice boss also willing to train someone else locally so i have a little more freedom with regards to customs etc.
- my telling nice boss that my priorities have shifted in the positive direction, away from work and toward family, and if they didn't like that, follow the following instructions: 1. Open Anus. 2. Insert Finger. 3. Spin.
- me having a little cry because I'm so tired and stressed about the whole MH committing suicide and not having time to adjust to that because I've been holding up the entire family thing, peppered with regular work stress and school stress because K has been coming home with huge bruises on his legs from other kids kicking him and when I find out who they are I will be having a long talk with their parents and/or the teacher, no joke. The boss didn't know what to do but he was very nice about it.


We'll see where this all goes.