I can't shake off this feeling like my life is slowly unravelling before me and not in the pleasant way either. Debt depression doubt defection it's all in there

I'm soooo tired I haven't slept a wink

(I will send a hello kitty valentine to the first identifier of that song)

I am also finding it hard to write sincere journal entries. You know I keep reading these beautiful truths about people and thinking, "wow, you just totally opened yourself up like that, thank you" and wishing I could do the same. The funny thing about truth and sincerity is that it can be very exhausting. Typing/speaking whatever you have to put effort into getting out all the minutae of your life because one mis-step and it all crumbles and you are left with nothing but rambling and misunderstanding from the reader/listener.

So hmm where to start?

Too many avenues not enough travel time.

For those of you reading this that don't know, I am a mom. I have two children. I adore these children, they have become essentially my entire life. And I am beginning to see the danger in this, oh yes it is dangerous because in giving 100% of yourself to them you lose you.

So I have been looking at my options here. I could go on the way I am, living with my heart on my sleeve and working crazy hours on weekends and spending the rest of the week with my kids while my hubby works. He is on the afternoon shift. Which means we get little to no time together (another not so nice aspect of things). I keep working and living like I do not eating properly because I'm too busy cooking for the kids and feeding them and cleaning up afterward and by the time that's all done I am setting up crafts and projects and things. Worrying about bills bills bills. (But then again who doesn't?)

Or, I could find something, no matter how small, that is only mine. Even if only a few hours out of the week, it belongs only to me.

Pfft. Right. Good luck. Even if I did manage to do this, I would spend half that time feeling guilty about it and the other half thinking about the things I have to do when I am done doing whatever it is I am doing.

I love my family and I love being a mom but I am beginning to feel that in being a mom a wife a daughter a granddaughter I am forgetting to be just G. And that is tragedy indeed.

I am extremely proud of our olympic teams this year, WOO HOORAY FOR US
 
Fifty years to the day and we take back the gold!
 
And the women's hockey team rocked our socks!
 
Of course I had to work through this auspicious event but I heard it on the radio and beamed.
 
Saw T's baby this weekend, he's such a cute little guy, and constantly hungry hehehe goooood luck T ;p

SO came home early from work last night, brought home dinner (woo no cooking for me!) and then watched the kids for me while I went out for a bit with my friend Ma. Had a few drinks yapped a bit and came home. Talked with SO for a while and then promptly passed out and hoped the evil terrible horrible awful pain would go away while I slept. Nope. I feel worse today than I did yesterday. But on the plus side, my grandmother is doing well enough to be sent home with a nurse.
 
My daughter looks like she is coming down with something and is complaining about her throat again. Just her luck she inherited my throat problems (I used to have tonsilitis as a kid almost all the time, they never pulled em out tho).

my father broke a few ribs the other day. he is on pain medication and practically on his back.
 
my grandmother is in the hospital again. seizures and minor stroke.
 
i am in my own physical pain for reasons i'd rather not share.
 
this week just keeps getting worse and worse.

*** g changes topic to '(df) When I went to the temple, it took me seven long, hard, arduous, dusty... minutes... to learn those techniques. (dj) *Seven* minutes? You're a more dedicated man than I, df.'
(p) WHEN I GROW UP I WANNA BE COOL LIKE G!
(d) 'cause she's cool like dat. She's hip like dat 'cause she's... something... like dat.
(cbn) g inspired me to quit smoking!
(cbn) and then I did!
(df) Damn. I hate blanking out on lyrics. My Buddhist master would be most displeased.
(g) hehe
(dj) There are very few honours greater than having something you said be part of the topic for this channel.
(g) cbn i am proud of you
(g) and p quit mocking me
(p) nah, I'm not mocking ya g, just admiring your keen eye for the topic
 
---------------
hehehehe

i saw moulin rouge. it was... interesting. and...
 
 
 
...
 
 
 
man oh man did i cackle when the unconscious argentinian went into a crazy rendition of the police's "roxanne"!

sometimes this stuff just flows out of me and i don't know where it comes from.

crow flutters wings & caws
rabbit runs on timid paws
the buffalo is dancing
squirrel stares
"be prepared"
brother wolf is running
confusion reigns
thunderous rain
doubts begin to fall
the sky cries
the wind sighs
the earth begins its call
spiders spin
i take it all in
the woman walks with grace
creatures cower
under her power
but adore her lovely face
delicate dreams
aren't what they seem
the fear is in your mind
the seer heals
the dreamwalker reveals
all ye seek to find
little bear
be prepared
your soul is caving in
curious cat
don't even think of that
this game you cannot win.

My friend T had her baby last night! Little A was born at aroun 8 pm, 6 lbs. 5 oz.

From what I hear he is a cute little guy too. :)

I'm so very happy and relieved for her, she has been worried through most of this pregnancy, mainly because of what happened with her first one.

I worked the shift from hell this weekend but I managed to survive it and we really need all the extra money we can get these days...

I just LOVE getting up at TWO FSCKING A.M. to go to a job I hate and do all the crap things that no one else wants to do in that god forsaken place. and I get to be there till 3 pm. Then I work tomorrow 7am - 3pm, and then go back in 7-11pm. Woo me.
 
I have a song stuck in my head. Let's see if we can get it stuck in yours too.
 
i think i'll go home and mull this over
before i cram it down my throat
at long last it's crashed, the colossal mass
has broken up into bits in my moat.
lift the mattress off the floor
walk the cramps off
go meander in the cold
hail to your dark skin
hiding the fact you're dead again
underneath the powerlines seeking shade
far above our heads are the icy heights that contain all reason
 
it's a luscious mix of words and tricks
that let us bet when you know we should fold
on rocks i dreamt of where we'd stepped
and of the whole mess of roads we're now on.
hold your glass up, hold it in
never betray the way you've always known it is.
one day i'll be wondering how
i got so old just wondering how
i never got cold wearing nothing in the snow.
 
this is way beyond my remote concern
of being condescending
 
all these squawking birds won't quit.
building nothing, laying bricks.
 
hold your glass up, hold it in
never betray the way you've always known it is.
one day i'll be wondering how
i got so old just wondering how
i never got cold wearing nothing in the snow
 
all these squawking birds won't quit.
building nothing, laying bricks.
 
-The Shins, Caring is Creepy

stumbling over my feet, the ground, my words. i hate days like these. but then there were good parts too. bah i don't know.

Fucked up dream:
 
it was the end of the world and people kept telling me that if i was standing i'd die and a comet came but it wasn't a comet but it brought with it this hail that was like hot charcoal and it pelted people to death or maimed them but anyone not standing was unaffected and then i was in this factory it was full of giant dumpster-like bins and inside it were body parts one bin full of eyes, another with heads all floating in ether

it was bizarre and all these people were kneeling on ladders sifting through if anyone stood or moved from the ladder they fell down dead just like that and then i ran through this factory i ran until i was out of breath and something knocked me in the back i wasn't sure what i fell down and then kept going, crawling away

then i was in this house, an old victorian deal and there were rooms and had little beds in it with stuffed animals on them and i saw one that was mine when i was young and someone behind me said "don't pick it up, you will regret it" i told then not to be silly so then i picked it up and underneath was a dead child just lying there like it were sleeping and i started to cry

and then i was lying in this bed in another house and people kept coming in and out of the room and one woman came in screaming at me because she thought i had killed her husband and that's all i can remember

what do you think?

in spite of the fact that i have bone-crushing money troubles piled on my back, the sun is shining and everything's fine. mhmm. my life has been a mish-mash of goodness/badness/idon'tknowness.
 
ayup. but i kind of like it that way, it means i don't have much time to dwell on one thing before the next thing happens. i'm way too analytical anyway. it's nice to just let it all happen.

I love waking up in the middle of the night and finding him there, breathing quietly next to me. I love the fact that after all this time, he is still there. After all the bullshit after all the hell and after all the everything, I am still here. I love the fact that even though there are days when I would happily rip him to shreds, never once, NOT ONCE have I ever stopped loving him.

Five long hard years and we are still together. I have known this man since I was fifteen. It took us five years before we both woke up and realized that the person we needed wanted loved and were waiting for all our lives, was right under our nose the whole time. We were friends long before we were lovers.

The funniest part is there was always the pull, always the allure. Never spoken until years later. Neither of us ever knew or realized.

I feel incredibly lucky to have this. My god so lucky. Even on the days when I feel like throwing dishes at him because I am frustrated and we fight, even then I feel it. Because it's *our* dishes in *our* home and *our* argument. Fighting is normal. I wouldn't have that part of it any other way. Reminds us that even though we are a couple, we are both individuals and will not always see things eye to eye.

There are still days after all this time that I will look at him and my heart skips a beat. I can look into his eyes and no matter what else is going on, I see love there. This incredible man is mine.
I love the fact that after all this time, there are still times when we surprise each other by doing something out of the blue. I love the fact that sometimes, words are unnecessary and we will know what the other needs and is thinking about.

I love the fact that after bearing two of his children, I never feel ugly in his eyes. Even on the days I hate myself, I can look to him and see that I should not worry about these things. Even on the days when the house is a mess and the kids are a mess and *I* am a mess, he will kiss me the way he did when we were first lovers. And then he will do what he can to help sort it all out again.

I love the fact that I can trust him. I mean really and truly trust him. Do you have any idea how rare this is? To love without jealousy? Oh, in the beginning I was wickedly jealous. He has this way about him that draws people in. But with time I learned that he isn't that sort of person. He has never intentionally hurt my feelings. He has never made me feel that I was not worth his time. He has never done the million things that every other man I was ever involved with managed to do to hurt me in whatever way they could.

We accept each other's faults with each other's glories. There are no pedestals here. Just the solid ground beneath us and the sky around us. And these are enough. Because we see the miracle in each other that people spend their whole lives looking for.
I could probably go on forever about this.

It was these thoughts that ran through my head in the middle of the night. It was these thoughts that caused me to pounce upon him.

Because what's a relationship without a little rough-and-tumble sex now and then?

Blah weekend, worked 3 am to 3 pm on sat and then didn't go to bed till 10 pm because i was visiting my pregnant friend T. she is due any time now. woo! then i worked 6:30 am to 3 pm sunday. then i came home and cleaned the kitchen, i mean REALLY cleaned it. i can see my face in my oven. phew.