I'm wearing the same grin, I take it all on the chin
I still believe everything that I read
and sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's harder
sometimes it's on sale, sometimes it never fails
I have a psychic and she says I'm lonely
she says my destiny is turning out all wrong
so now I just sit here and think of meaningful things to say

Having man troubles. Oi.
 
I would like someone to explain to me why it is that when one gets married, suddenly communication goes out the window and you just end up shutting up instead of saying whatever the fuck it is that is eating at you?

I am honest enough to say that sometimes I do it too. But not near as often as he does. I will tell him if i am sad/mad/glad/whatever about whatever but he does not and I don't know why this is. We used to talk about everything and now we talk about the nothing things. You know, work kids bills groceries. There is more to me than this.

Symbolistic white walls surround me and you
every single day I am cheap and see through

And it is crushing my spirit to see myself being cut off at the knees whenever I ask him why he is so grumpy all the time and why I feel like I am walking on eggshells around him now. I am afraid to speak my mind because I don't want to bother him, he seems so depressed and he isn't telling me why. I can only speculate and if anyone reading this really knows me they know that sometimes my speculations can be dangerous because they go places that they shouldn't go and it causes me to be more upset.

I just don't know what to do anymore.
 

It's all right now

take the world and make it yours again 
 

this whole getting up at 5 am thing is for the birds. i used to be up for hours by this point. but not anymore. stupid #$*&#*$& pills.

I am SO glad the xmas crap is over. Feh! 5 freakin' christmases later and my house is a freakin' tornado of toys and socks and whatever the hell else the critters got. they got so much stuff i don't even recognize half of it nevermind who it came from. yowsa. recession my ass.

i have to work tomorrow from 6 am to 4 pm. hoo-fucking-rah! *grumblefuck*

i am in a pissy mood mainly because all i wanted for christmas was a little peace and quiet and i got ZERO. bah!

my friend J finally proposed to E today. they've been together for 9-1/2 years. whooboy. took em long enough!

had dinner at the in-laws' today. after cooking 7-1/2 trays of meatballs for the sweet n' sour sauce for the in-laws' xmas extravaganza on the 26th. yay!

anyhow. i'm too tired to type more. bleh.

so yesterday was the first of a series of christmas gatherings. i did not have much in the way of actual fun because i was tired and head hurty and chasing my little boy who was overtired from missing his nap. gah! SO had fun tho he even stayed after i took the kids home. so this is a good thing because sometimes i think he is too serious for his own good.

today i go to his mom's to help her with some christmas cooking and tomorrow morning i go out with dad to buy mom's stocking stuffers and tomorrow night i go to their house for a quiet gathering. man oh man.

My therapist said not to see you no more
She said you're like a disease without any cure
She said I'm so obsessed that I'm becoming a bore, oh no
Ah, you think you're so pretty

ack. i am not looking forward to christmas this year. it just gets to be more of a hassle and less fun every year. i keep trying to convince my hubby that we should just stay the hell home, but noooooo, we should do *family* stuff. bah! bah,i say!

tomorrow we go to my parents' home for my mom's side's family christmas.

on sunday i go to his mom's house to prepare sweet n' sour meatballs for their gathering on the 26th.

on the 24th (monday) we go to my parents' home again for my dad's side (sorta, but mainly just them and a few others.

on the 25th (tuesday) we stay at home in the am and then go to his parents' home in the pm for christmas.

on the 26th is his dad's side's xmas so we go to his uncle's home.

on the 27th was his mom's side's xmas but i got out of it to...yup! WORK. 6 am to 4 pm. woo!

on the 28th i work 6 am to 4 pm again.

on the 29th and 30th, i finally get to rest.

on the 31st (new years eve, y'all) i work 6 am to noon.

bleh. i wanna be a kid again!

pills suck, head hurts, gah. i'm editing this entry twenty bazillion times. yay me!

this whole test thing is getting out of hand. i already ranted about it a few days ago tho. so. i am feeling sleepy STILL. i hate pills. hate hate hate.

SO asked me waht i want for christmas today. i told him nothing. he didn't like the answer but as a matter of fact it is truth. i care not for material things, i have him, i have my kids, i have my friends and family...what more could i want? (aside from a better health portfolio, but we're workin on that).
 
i told him if he really wanted to get me something special that i would absolutely love, get us a few hours alone together. not for anything specific. just time. alone. together.

twenty bucks says he buys me something. because that is easier.

MEN!

It's SNOWING again. We are getting A WHOLE TEN CENTIMETRES TONIGHT. CHRISTMAS IS ALMOST HERE BABY!

The kids are getting antsy about Christmas, but they are behaving (that whole "ack you mean Santa KNOWS when I'm hitting my sibling over the head with a toy truck?" thing). I am feeling blase about it, which is kind of sad.

The medication I am on for the stupid tumor is hopefully working, but the medication to treat my headaches isn't so hot. It makes me groggy and morose. Blah. I HATE PILLS.

On the bright side, M SENT ME JAFFA CAKES! Hooray!

On to the testity test test test....

it snowed the other night but now it is almost all melted away, they are predicting more snow on saturday but i doubt it. this all follows my theory that the seasons are shifting on us. soon we shall have christmas in autumn. which might be nice because i LOVE autumn.

i wrapped all the presents we got for our kids last night. whooboy it can be tiring. they get way too much stuff because there's stuff from "santa" from us from my parents from his parents...man! if i had even 1/2 as much of what my kids have now at their age...

wow. that made me feel really...old.

My grandmother was in a serious car accident yesterday. She is 66. She is very active and looks 20 years younger than she is. She was driving to church when a van driven by a 17 yr old girl and full of kids smashed into her. Totalled her little car. Smashed her up good as well. Her knee is applesauce right now and she is in a great deal of pain. My mom has been staying at her place taking care of her because she refuses to stay in a hospital.

My mom called me last night to tell me. She sounded tired and sad. I was of course shocked. When I found out she was thankfully alive but not so thankfully injured, I was sad and confused. I didn't even bother asking about the car full of kids. I didn't care about them. I wanted to be sure that my grandma was ok. This woman, this remarkable woman that so many people take for granted. I entertained the idea of her not being around anymore and of course was reduced to tears. I couldn't handle it.

Our family Christmas for my mom's side is taking place on the 22nd. I am hoping grandma will feel up to it. I am praying she heals fast...but I know she will not. She has always had problems with her knees. The hospital sent home a walker for her. For my grandmother, the lady who is more active than most 20 yr olds I know! She is a proud woman, this must have devestated her.
Here is the sad part. No snow in our town right now. Dry road. The van was to blame. How? I don't know, I didn't press for details last night. But I am sad. I am angry. I feel drained from it. I hope they are all ok. At the same time the small part inside of me, the part that is mean and evil, hopes the driver rots for this. Silly but true.

Anyway. I'm sad. I'm tired. I think I'm catching the flu my husband has had for the past week or so. I just wanted to write this all down. You know. Real life. Not quizzes. Not quizzes about quizzes. No hiding behind silent walls of "friends only" locks. Here is my life. Be nice to it. It's a bit bruised right now.

It's my bruddah's birthday today. He is a whole 24 years old! Yowch. Tempis fugit.
Went out krimmis shopping this weekend, how painful. It was disturbing and depressing because every store we went to seemed to be filled with utter crap. Half the stuff I don't see how kids would take any joy in them. I yearn for simpler days. And I'm only 25. How pathetic is that?

We've had our tree up for a few weeks now. My daughter is Christmas hungry and has been asking for Santa since August. She is only 3. Imagine how she will be in upcoming years? Right now I enjoy the fact because she isn't after the toys she just loves to see the decorations up and to do fun things like bake our own ornaments and whatnot. I'm no 50's cookies mom but sometimes I can be crafty. This is one of those times.

I long for snow (I must be crazy for saying that but I do!) and snow isn't coming. People are predicting a mild winter. I just think the seasons are shifting more and more every year. So in essence in the future Christmas will be celebrated in autumn.

My I am long-winded today. I shall stop for now.

ended up that SO came home early from work, what a pleasant surprise! we went out to london to see shallow hal and eat at the keg (here's the part where my vegan friends cringe and gnash their teeth) mmmm teriyaki steak blue rare anyhow SO had never been to one before and he was quite impressed.
 
shallow hal was actually quite good. i mainly wanted to see it because i have a thing about jack black (what can i say i have a soft spot for funny guys) and also to see how they managed to take gwyneth paltrow and turn her into a 300 lb woman. but they did it and did it in style i might add. the movie has a good ending so all is well. but it surely makes you think about how much weight (no pun intended) is put upon looks.
 
anyhow. off to find another test, you know how i am about these things...

Sleepy. New pills make me so very sleepy. Blah. But they arehelping. I think? I nunno. Internist flaked out on me so I have to go back on Wednesday afternoon. Fuck.
 
Applied for some new jobs (talk about proactive! Yay me!) and hopefully will see some feedback. Wish me luck.