Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do.
Cold Play, Yellow

Playing Scrabble Online at 4 am can get quite crazy.

Insomnia sucks. Know that? It's true. Whoever out there glorifies it obviously doesn't get the picture. NOT SLEEPING ENOUGH IS BAD FOR YOU.

Headaches are worse, I don't know if it is because of the lack of sleep thing or what, but they are horrible. Blah blah blah like any of you care.

I spent last night at S's house, smoking cigarette after cigarette and trying not to think about anything too upsetting though lord knows that plenty of upsetting things have been going on behind the curtain of the drama that is sometimes known as my life. I am learning that everything is to be expected and nothing discluded from the list of possibilities. I am learning that the more I think about what's wrong the less I think about what's right, so I am reversing these things. I am learning that by reversing these things I am confusing the hell out of myself.

I am learning that I am lost. I am learning that maybe I never was who I should be and all the people that knew me as this brave incandescent light were just as fooled by me as I was. I am not always so brave. I am not always so strong. I get scared and upset too. Sometimes, I need the shoulder. How lonely it is that when I do, I have so few, so very few of the many people I know, to turn to.

Work really sucks lately.

Sometimes I wonder why I come to care about people I barely know more than some of the people I have known all my life.

I think that I think too much.

let us die young or let us live forever
we don't have the power but we never say never
sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip
the music's for the sad men
can you imagine when this race is won
turn our golden faces into the sun
praising our leaders we're getting in tune
the music's played by the madmen
Alphaville, Forever Young

How long has it been since you'd heard that song? Yeah, same here. I heard it in the cinema yesterday while we were waiting for "Bridget Jones' Diary" to come on. It wasn't terrific, but it was pretty good. Smacked of Pride and Prejudice re-written, but maybe it was just the whole Colin Firth influence. Renee Zellweiger (I probably spelled that wrong, I can never get her name right) did an excellent job with the whole Brit accent bit, much better than most movies I see where people put on accents and then forget halfway through the movie they are supposed to have one.

I have a tumor. On my pituitary gland. Yeah, the one in my brain. Most cases of pituitary tumors result in it being benign. This is good. The tumor can be operated on via laser surgery through the nose a la Totall Recall. Yeah, I shuddered too. If it doesn't work, the next step would be radiation therapy.

It is relieving to know what is wrong with me, but it is aggravating because now that they have a path to follow, they are taking their sweet time about following it. I told my parents. My father wants a fifth or even sixth opinion before he will believe it. Of course, to him, tumors have always meant cancer. We have lost a lot of family to cancer. He couldn't handle my having that. My mother of course is turning it into a soap opera. And me? I just wish the headaches would stop. Because they are getting worse and worse.

Now be off with you. Go somewhere much more interesting than this place.

I will try not to breathe.
This decision is mine. I have lived a full life
and these are the eyes that I want you to remember. Oh.

I need something to fly over my grave again.
I need something to breathe.

I will try not to burden you.
I can hold these inside. I will hold my breath
until all these shivers subside,
just look in my eyes.

I will try not to worry you.
I have seen things that you will never see.
REM, Try Not To Breathe

I got my CT results back. I don't really know what to think of it all, I will post about this soon. Perhaps after I have talked to my family about it. My parents are currently in Portugal and have been for almost a month. They will be home soon. I don't know if they are going to take this well. We shall see. At the very least, the doctors now have a path to follow. Whether it is good or bad, it is a path. Better than not knowing.

I have been playing around with the page as you can see, I've updated the look of pretty much everything except the poetry pages and the old archives. I do not know what I will do with them yet.

I was voted Vice President of Public Relations for my Toastmasters club today. The title is more impressive than the job. I basically promote the club to the outside and make newsletters and stuff. *shrug* Hey, it's something to do.