Tomorrow, I go to the school board to pick up the pre-kindergarten registration package. Whoah. My daughter will be in JK this September! How exciting! She is bouncing with anticipation. It is all she will talk about. I hope she still feels that way when I am hauling her ass out of bed in the morning to go there. hehe

i'm tired. and sad. and so many other things in between all that.

the trip is looking like a no go, finances just won't allow for it. ah well c'est la vie.

my mother in law had to put her dog down because of various things but in any case it gave me the responsibility of trying to explain death to my three year old daughter. tricky subject, death is. very tricky.

she didn't quite understand but she did at the same time and she was hurt and upset which made me hurt and upset.

the curse and blessing of motherhood is that each child tugs at your heart and every whisper and scream will cause your heart to react in ways you've never dreamed.

i am tired. we are out of cookies. i want cake.

this is unacceptable. 
  

i am finally feeling a bit better after a horrid bout of the flu. my stomach is still pretty weak though (S: read: no lunch tomorrow) and i am still kind of tired but otherwise all is well.
 
i am hoping to go to boston in the spring, right now it depends more on funds and convincing my hubby i won't go up in flames if i take a plane than anything else. let's cross our fingers because i am in need of a holiday.

Ugh ugh. I don't wanna. I am up at 4 am to go to work by 5.
 
SHOOT ME PLEASE.
 
I still feel sickie sickie. Pity me.
 
I am going to sleep like the dead when I come home today.

i was sick as i could ever be yesterday. funny, i felt fine at S's on sunday night, we were there yapping it away till about 12:30pm, then i went home, and proceeded to get royally sick.
 
i was so weak yesterday SO pretty much had to carry me down the stairs and there i stayed on the couch the rest of the day. SO stayed home from work to take care of me and the kids. what a sweetheart.

high fidelity was on tv so i watched that and you know, it really is a good movie all around. funny and philosophical but not too pretentious and in your face. woo.
 
i still feel a bit cruddy but at least i can stand without help. so, i go to workie now.

It is early in the morning. I am killing time before going to work and killing some more time. I like it in the early hours because I am the only person awake and the house is still and silent. Listening to me.

Have you ever noticed that things are clearer and louder at night? Perhaps it's just me.

Life is getting more complicated by the minute. So I enjoy being able to identify and appreciate the simpler things.

I went to see the neurologist today and she is weaning me off the apo amitriptylene (for my headaches) and putting me on something else because this stuff just messes me up royally and I am constantly tired and wayyyy too moody. So yay!

My daughter drew me a picture today of a little girl dancing and she atually put some time into it making the face hands hair dress everything. Which was a proud moment because prior to this it was pretty much scribbles and snails. She is only 3. I adore her.

My son has also discovered the magical world of crayons and has found fit to express himself using the medium of black crayon on my living room wall. We still have yet to paint over one of Celeste's previous creations in the front room.

I am itching to repaint the whole house. The people who lived here before had their own ideas about color combinations which leaves much to be desired. A home doesn't feel like home to me until I have done something to alter it, no matter how small.

I have resolved to go against my pack-rat nature and get rid of the things I don't need. This should take me quite some time; but I need to.

I'm wearing the same grin, I take it all on the chin
I still believe everything that I read
and sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's harder
sometimes it's on sale, sometimes it never fails
I have a psychic and she says I'm lonely
she says my destiny is turning out all wrong
so now I just sit here and think of meaningful things to say

Having man troubles. Oi.
 
I would like someone to explain to me why it is that when one gets married, suddenly communication goes out the window and you just end up shutting up instead of saying whatever the fuck it is that is eating at you?

I am honest enough to say that sometimes I do it too. But not near as often as he does. I will tell him if i am sad/mad/glad/whatever about whatever but he does not and I don't know why this is. We used to talk about everything and now we talk about the nothing things. You know, work kids bills groceries. There is more to me than this.

Symbolistic white walls surround me and you
every single day I am cheap and see through

And it is crushing my spirit to see myself being cut off at the knees whenever I ask him why he is so grumpy all the time and why I feel like I am walking on eggshells around him now. I am afraid to speak my mind because I don't want to bother him, he seems so depressed and he isn't telling me why. I can only speculate and if anyone reading this really knows me they know that sometimes my speculations can be dangerous because they go places that they shouldn't go and it causes me to be more upset.

I just don't know what to do anymore.
 

It's all right now

take the world and make it yours again 
 

this whole getting up at 5 am thing is for the birds. i used to be up for hours by this point. but not anymore. stupid #$*&#*$& pills.

I am SO glad the xmas crap is over. Feh! 5 freakin' christmases later and my house is a freakin' tornado of toys and socks and whatever the hell else the critters got. they got so much stuff i don't even recognize half of it nevermind who it came from. yowsa. recession my ass.

i have to work tomorrow from 6 am to 4 pm. hoo-fucking-rah! *grumblefuck*

i am in a pissy mood mainly because all i wanted for christmas was a little peace and quiet and i got ZERO. bah!

my friend J finally proposed to E today. they've been together for 9-1/2 years. whooboy. took em long enough!

had dinner at the in-laws' today. after cooking 7-1/2 trays of meatballs for the sweet n' sour sauce for the in-laws' xmas extravaganza on the 26th. yay!

anyhow. i'm too tired to type more. bleh.

so yesterday was the first of a series of christmas gatherings. i did not have much in the way of actual fun because i was tired and head hurty and chasing my little boy who was overtired from missing his nap. gah! SO had fun tho he even stayed after i took the kids home. so this is a good thing because sometimes i think he is too serious for his own good.

today i go to his mom's to help her with some christmas cooking and tomorrow morning i go out with dad to buy mom's stocking stuffers and tomorrow night i go to their house for a quiet gathering. man oh man.

My therapist said not to see you no more
She said you're like a disease without any cure
She said I'm so obsessed that I'm becoming a bore, oh no
Ah, you think you're so pretty

ack. i am not looking forward to christmas this year. it just gets to be more of a hassle and less fun every year. i keep trying to convince my hubby that we should just stay the hell home, but noooooo, we should do *family* stuff. bah! bah,i say!

tomorrow we go to my parents' home for my mom's side's family christmas.

on sunday i go to his mom's house to prepare sweet n' sour meatballs for their gathering on the 26th.

on the 24th (monday) we go to my parents' home again for my dad's side (sorta, but mainly just them and a few others.

on the 25th (tuesday) we stay at home in the am and then go to his parents' home in the pm for christmas.

on the 26th is his dad's side's xmas so we go to his uncle's home.

on the 27th was his mom's side's xmas but i got out of it to...yup! WORK. 6 am to 4 pm. woo!

on the 28th i work 6 am to 4 pm again.

on the 29th and 30th, i finally get to rest.

on the 31st (new years eve, y'all) i work 6 am to noon.

bleh. i wanna be a kid again!

pills suck, head hurts, gah. i'm editing this entry twenty bazillion times. yay me!

this whole test thing is getting out of hand. i already ranted about it a few days ago tho. so. i am feeling sleepy STILL. i hate pills. hate hate hate.

SO asked me waht i want for christmas today. i told him nothing. he didn't like the answer but as a matter of fact it is truth. i care not for material things, i have him, i have my kids, i have my friends and family...what more could i want? (aside from a better health portfolio, but we're workin on that).
 
i told him if he really wanted to get me something special that i would absolutely love, get us a few hours alone together. not for anything specific. just time. alone. together.

twenty bucks says he buys me something. because that is easier.

MEN!