Posted by Slowplum on 9/28/2001 07:59:00 PM
I am a testaholic.

What kind of Gorrila are you? - I am most like Ivan.

Do You Make Enough Time For Yourself? - I am Striving for Balance.

What's Keeping You Awake? - My list included Sleep Apnea, Insomnia, Narcolepsy, Periodic Limb Movement Disorder, and Restless Legs Syndrome. The narcolepsy bit surprises me completely, the others not so much.

The College Personality Quiz
- Learning style: You scored in between
- College orientation: General education
- Academic/social balance: Balanced
- Affection for knowledge: Strong
- Basic academic skills: Solid
- Social Consciousness: Individually focused
- Independence: Self-sufficient
- Self-understanding: Less aware
- School enthusiasm: You scored in between
- Eagerness for college: Eager
(I am wondering what my score on this would be several years ago when I was on the brink of going. Hmm.)

Enough for now. More later. Ta.


Posted by Slowplum on 9/28/2001 07:52:00 PM
A friend in need's a friend indeed
A friend with weed is better
A friend with breasts and all the rest
A friend who’s dressed in leather

A friend in need's a friend indeed
A friend who’ll tease is better
Our thoughts compressed
Which makes us blessed
And makes for stormy weather

Placebo, Pure Morning

Please pity me. My rockstar boyfriend is Brian Molko.

I worked from 3 am to 3:30 pm last Saturday, and get to work 7 am to 7 pm last Sunday. I haven't slept much the past while. It is taking its toll. This weekend I work Midnight Friday to noon Saturday, and 11 am Sunday morning to 11 pm. In between I go out with my sister in law for her birthday. Weeeeee

Somebody shoot me.


Posted by Slowplum on 9/17/2001 10:19:00 PM
He lay back in the long dark grass and closed his eyes. It was getting colder. Winter is coming, the breeze around him seemed to whisper.

He was still and silent, thinking about things, mostly worrying. Footfalls on the soft green carpet. He sensed someone near. His eyes remained closed. He didn't need to look. He knew who it was. The presence spoke.

Darling...the voice trembled. From the cold, or distress? Probably both. What are you doing?

Breathing deeply, in and out. Counting the stars he still saw with closed eyes.

Darling? Inquisitive. Perhaps pleading? Yes, he recognized the tone. The presence crouched nearer. Are you ok? These things that I am fighting, that I am worrying over...in the grand scheme...they are nothing. Don't fret about it. Okay? Please.

Soft sigh. He willed his patience to stick around a little longer. Eyes opened and stared into the night sky. Stars were falling. He was falling. Into what? He didn't know. Change of focus. There she was, to the right of him. He stared back up into the sky. The occasional star was still falling.

She looked up as well, and spoke again. You see the stars? The universe out there is so very vast. Our troubles are minute. We are but specks of sand.

He paused. Not so. Not so at all. They are just...different. To something yet bigger, the stars themselves are specks.

Her turn to sigh. She lay down too, not touching him, just near. The two stared up into the dark blue forever, stars punching holes into the sky, letting in light. Sparkling. Some still falling, going out. Winking at them. A few minutes of silence, and then...

You see them falling? From his peripheral vision he noted her nodding, yes. If I am right, if those stars are specks to something greater...if even those amazing stars can burn out...

She held her breath and waited. He slowly sat up, still looking at the sky. He cleared his throat. We are all shining and important to someone. We are not so insignificant as you say. We matter. We all shine in different ways. And some of us...tire of that shining. We burn out. We fall.

She too sat up now, concerned. Darling, I --

He held up his hand, motioning for her to be silent. We count. Even if only to the specks of dust that see us as the vast universe. We are significant. He stood up. He paused, ran a hand through his hair. He looked up again, gesturing at the sky. These stars...they have a universe of darkness to fight against. Yet they still shine on. Even as they fall, they burn bright to the very last. We should do well to take our lesson from the stars.

He turned to her. She was staring at nothing, listening intently. His voice softened a little. These worries of yours, these trials you must overcome - they are significant. They matter. They are like the darkness we each fight against, every day. We shine on, regardless. It is just a matter of choosing how long we wish to give out light. He focused on her. She was looking up at him, overwhelmed. His voice lowered to almost a whisper.

If even things as amazing as stars burn out sometimes, is it any surprise that we can, too? And you wonder why I worry about you. You are no less important than the stars. You dazzle so many people, and yet you shine on, oblivious. Just like a star. So if you were to burn out...it would matter. You are important. You are so much more important than you realize. We all are.

She stared at him in quiet awe. He was right. And then, she smiled, and bravely chose to shine on.


------------

This story is fiction. This story is also true. No matter how insignificant we may feel, we affect a multitude of things and people in so many ways. Nothing is trivial. We are important. We are loved.

We matter.



Posted by Slowplum on 9/13/2001 09:23:00 AM
We will match your capacity to inflict suffering with our capacity to endure suffering. We will meet your physical force with Soul Force. We will not hate you, but we cannot in all good conscience obey your unjust laws. But we will soon wear you down with our capacity to suffer. And in winning our freedom we will so appeal to your heart and conscience that we will win yours in the process.
-Martin Luther King, Jr

I weep for America. I weep for Afghanistan. Innocent lives are in the balance here. I hope our leaders choose wisely. No more blood. An eye for an eye is NOT a good motto.


Posted by Slowplum on 9/06/2001 06:33:00 AM
I just want to feel safe in my own skin,
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world

But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore

On a different day,
If I was safe in my own skin,
Then I wouldn't be lost and so frightened
But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin

And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again

Dido, Honestly OK




Posted by Slowplum on 8/24/2001 10:50:00 PM
i can't let you be
cause your beauty won't allow me
wrapped in white sheets
like an angel from a bedtime story
shut out what they say
cause your friends are fucked up anyway
and when they come around
somehow they feel up and you feel down

when we were kids
we hated things our parents did
we listened low
to casey kasem's radio show
that's when friends were nice
to think of them just makes you feel nice
the smell of grass in spring
and october leaves cover everything

have you forgotten how to love yourself?

i can't believe all the good things that you do for me
sat back in a chair
like a princess from a faraway place
nobody's nice
when you're older your heart turns to ice
and shut out what they say
they're too dumb to mean it anyway

when we were kids
we hated things our sisters did
backyard summer pools
and christmases were beautiful
and the sentiment
of coloured mirrored ornaments
and the open drapes
look out on frozen farmhouse landscapes

have you forgotten how to love yourself?

Red House Painters, Have You Forgotten?

Sometimes I ache and ache for no reason at all.

I think I need a vacation.



Posted by Slowplum on 8/16/2001 09:21:00 PM
 do you have an opinion?
a mind of your own?
i thought you were special
i thought you should know
but i've run out of patience
i couldn't care less

Garbage, Special

I was Shirley Manson in a past life. I bet you are all jealous.


Posted by Slowplum on 8/08/2001 10:14:00 PM
[refer to song quote below. nyah.]

Same day, much much later.

I HOPE YOU GUYS ARE HAPPY.

I'ma go to bed now.


Posted by Slowplum on 8/08/2001 06:05:00 PM
dont' get your back up over this
if i'm so wrong and you're so right
you really got your mind made up i guess
won't you let me get some sleep tonight?

Sarah Harmer, Don't Get Your Back Up

I've been getting flack from both S and M to "freakin update the page already!" So I am going to do so. Today. I PROMISE.

ciao


Posted by Slowplum on 7/19/2001 10:19:00 AM
[no lyrics today. i'm too moody.]


Went to African Lion Safari yesterday. Woo!

Stay tuned!

My speech went rather well the other day, people liked it very much and I got a good review from the person who had to evaluate me. Except that I didn't get many grow points; I don't know if it is because they were too busy listening to me or because they honestly believe I have nowhere to grow. I of course found a million things I did wrong, but oh well.

To elaborate on the safari excursion: This week was my hubby's vacation, I finally kicked his ass in gear and we were off to the African Lion Safari. The whole way there my daughter was singing her lungs off while my son snoozed away. We got there and she took a bit of a pout because we wanted to eat first but then she was good to go when my hubby threatened to take us all back home again. Haha. So we get some food and then go and watch the elephants swim in the water for a while. My daughter thought that was the greatest thing since sliced bread. The only way we could convince her to leave was with the promise of tigers. So we get in the car and follow many other cars into the reserve. First stop a bunch of birds. None of us were altogether too impressed so we moved quickly along to the next stop: lions! These things are HUGE! I swear they must tranquilize them or something, because they were so...docile. Next on the road was tigers, which were kept at bay by two big trucks. They really wanted to roam but the safari people wouldn't let them. Bla bla we see a bunch more animals, all in all pretty cool. But halfway through the tour, the A/C in our car decides to die a slow and deliberate death. Oh, the horror! Meanwhile a car in front of us has their windows DOWN and smoking like crazy! Fools. I hope the monkeys ate them. We bypassed the baboon section because those suckers are aggressive and tear people's cars apart.

So the safari bit ends and we decide to look around the rest of the place. Check out some birds, some monkeys, some baby elephants at play. Then the highlight, my daughter and my hubby take an elephant ride. She absolutely loved it and was even thanking the elephant after the ride hehehe. Kids are so cute sometimes.

Blah, see this is the problem with journals - I have too much to say and my fingers cannot type as fast as I think so I get frustrated and then bored. Enough for today.



Posted by Slowplum on 7/13/2001 07:27:00 PM
I will try not to worry you.
I have seen things that you will never see.
REM, Try Not To Breathe

Argh. Not enough time to say what I need to today.




Posted by Slowplum on 7/10/2001 10:20:00 AM
dont' get your back up over this
if i'm so wrong and you're so right
you really got your mind made up i guess
won't you let me get some sleep tonight?

Sarah Harmer, Don't Get Your Back Up

Lordy, it's been a while since I have updated. Hrm. I don't even know where to begin.

I've been quite ill, this whole tumor nonsense really really sucks. Seizures have been coming back. Insomnia has been kicking me in the ass. I've also been working a crapload of hours. Blah.

Saturday night my other half and I went to a friend's birthday gathering. There was much playing of cards on the wimmen's part and much bitching about the wimmen on the men's part. All in all a good time. Did not drink which was odd but nice at the same time. I am finding that if I even have one drink I get rather ill and very very dehydrated, talk about wierd. SO likes it however as now he has a dedicated DD. Of course he still panics when I am at the wheel but that is neither here nor there. Do NOT mail me about how crappy women drivers are, I am not listening, la la la.

S, the bitch, is going away for my birthday again. True. Nah she isn't a bitch, in fact I don't think we have been around for each other's birthday in years and years. Since the beginning it has been our bane. But we always seem to make up for it in the long run. We are thinking of creating a mutual birthdayish sort of day smack in the middle of nowhere, calendar wise.

Either way I am having mixed feelings about my birthday. I turn 25 this year. The whole quarter of a century bit doesn't bother me. I just have an odd feeling about this year. Anyhow, I'm off. To work. Blah.


Posted by Slowplum on 6/17/2001 08:54:00 AM
Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do.

Cold Play, Yellow

Playing Scrabble Online at 4 am can get quite crazy.

Insomnia sucks. Know that? It's true. Whoever out there glorifies it obviously doesn't get the picture. NOT SLEEPING ENOUGH IS BAD FOR YOU.

Headaches are worse, I don't know if it is because of the lack of sleep thing or what, but they are horrible. Blah blah blah like any of you care.

I spent last night at S's house, smoking cigarette after cigarette and trying not to think about anything too upsetting though lord knows that plenty of upsetting things have been going on behind the curtain of the drama that is sometimes known as my life. I am learning that everything is to be expected and nothing discluded from the list of possibilities. I am learning that the more I think about what's wrong the less I think about what's right, so I am reversing these things. I am learning that by reversing these things I am confusing the hell out of myself.

I am learning that I am lost. I am learning that maybe I never was who I should be and all the people that knew me as this brave incandescent light were just as fooled by me as I was. I am not always so brave. I am not always so strong. I get scared and upset too. Sometimes, I need the shoulder. How lonely it is that when I do, I have so few, so very few of the many people I know, to turn to.

Work really sucks lately.

Sometimes I wonder why I come to care about people I barely know more than some of the people I have known all my life.

I think that I think too much.






Posted by Slowplum on 6/11/2001 05:48:00 PM
let us die young or let us live forever
we don't have the power but we never say never
sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip
the music's for the sad men
can you imagine when this race is won
turn our golden faces into the sun
praising our leaders we're getting in tune
the music's played by the madmen

Alphaville, Forever Young

How long has it been since you'd heard that song? Yeah, same here. I heard it in the cinema yesterday while we were waiting for "Bridget Jones' Diary" to come on. It wasn't terrific, but it was pretty good. Smacked of Pride and Prejudice re-written, but maybe it was just the whole Colin Firth influence. Renee Zellweiger (I probably spelled that wrong, I can never get her name right) did an excellent job with the whole Brit accent bit, much better than most movies I see where people put on accents and then forget halfway through the movie they are supposed to have one.

I have a tumor. On my pituitary gland. Yeah, the one in my brain. Most cases of pituitary tumors result in it being benign. This is good. The tumor can be operated on via laser surgery through the nose a la Totall Recall. Yeah, I shuddered too. If it doesn't work, the next step would be radiation therapy.

It is relieving to know what is wrong with me, but it is aggravating because now that they have a path to follow, they are taking their sweet time about following it. I told my parents. My father wants a fifth or even sixth opinion before he will believe it. Of course, to him, tumors have always meant cancer. We have lost a lot of family to cancer. He couldn't handle my having that. My mother of course is turning it into a soap opera. And me? I just wish the headaches would stop. Because they are getting worse and worse.

Now be off with you. Go somewhere much more interesting than this place.



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