Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do.
Cold Play, Yellow

Playing Scrabble Online at 4 am can get quite crazy.

Insomnia sucks. Know that? It's true. Whoever out there glorifies it obviously doesn't get the picture. NOT SLEEPING ENOUGH IS BAD FOR YOU.

Headaches are worse, I don't know if it is because of the lack of sleep thing or what, but they are horrible. Blah blah blah like any of you care.

I spent last night at S's house, smoking cigarette after cigarette and trying not to think about anything too upsetting though lord knows that plenty of upsetting things have been going on behind the curtain of the drama that is sometimes known as my life. I am learning that everything is to be expected and nothing discluded from the list of possibilities. I am learning that the more I think about what's wrong the less I think about what's right, so I am reversing these things. I am learning that by reversing these things I am confusing the hell out of myself.

I am learning that I am lost. I am learning that maybe I never was who I should be and all the people that knew me as this brave incandescent light were just as fooled by me as I was. I am not always so brave. I am not always so strong. I get scared and upset too. Sometimes, I need the shoulder. How lonely it is that when I do, I have so few, so very few of the many people I know, to turn to.

Work really sucks lately.

Sometimes I wonder why I come to care about people I barely know more than some of the people I have known all my life.

I think that I think too much.

let us die young or let us live forever
we don't have the power but we never say never
sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip
the music's for the sad men
can you imagine when this race is won
turn our golden faces into the sun
praising our leaders we're getting in tune
the music's played by the madmen
Alphaville, Forever Young

How long has it been since you'd heard that song? Yeah, same here. I heard it in the cinema yesterday while we were waiting for "Bridget Jones' Diary" to come on. It wasn't terrific, but it was pretty good. Smacked of Pride and Prejudice re-written, but maybe it was just the whole Colin Firth influence. Renee Zellweiger (I probably spelled that wrong, I can never get her name right) did an excellent job with the whole Brit accent bit, much better than most movies I see where people put on accents and then forget halfway through the movie they are supposed to have one.

I have a tumor. On my pituitary gland. Yeah, the one in my brain. Most cases of pituitary tumors result in it being benign. This is good. The tumor can be operated on via laser surgery through the nose a la Totall Recall. Yeah, I shuddered too. If it doesn't work, the next step would be radiation therapy.

It is relieving to know what is wrong with me, but it is aggravating because now that they have a path to follow, they are taking their sweet time about following it. I told my parents. My father wants a fifth or even sixth opinion before he will believe it. Of course, to him, tumors have always meant cancer. We have lost a lot of family to cancer. He couldn't handle my having that. My mother of course is turning it into a soap opera. And me? I just wish the headaches would stop. Because they are getting worse and worse.

Now be off with you. Go somewhere much more interesting than this place.

I will try not to breathe.
This decision is mine. I have lived a full life
and these are the eyes that I want you to remember. Oh.

I need something to fly over my grave again.
I need something to breathe.

I will try not to burden you.
I can hold these inside. I will hold my breath
until all these shivers subside,
just look in my eyes.

I will try not to worry you.
I have seen things that you will never see.
REM, Try Not To Breathe

I got my CT results back. I don't really know what to think of it all, I will post about this soon. Perhaps after I have talked to my family about it. My parents are currently in Portugal and have been for almost a month. They will be home soon. I don't know if they are going to take this well. We shall see. At the very least, the doctors now have a path to follow. Whether it is good or bad, it is a path. Better than not knowing.

I have been playing around with the page as you can see, I've updated the look of pretty much everything except the poetry pages and the old archives. I do not know what I will do with them yet.

I was voted Vice President of Public Relations for my Toastmasters club today. The title is more impressive than the job. I basically promote the club to the outside and make newsletters and stuff. *shrug* Hey, it's something to do.

We've been through fake-a-breakdown
Self hurt
Plastics, collections
Self help, self pain,
ESP, psychics, fuck all
I was central
I had control
I lost my head
I need this
I need this
REM, Country Feedback

Want to talk about wierd days? My alarm never went off this morning so I was two hours late to get to work to cover for a coworker. I got out to my car to find the lamp part of a streetlight in front of my car. The pole which it came from was still intact and erect. Just the lamp was off. In front of my car. Good thing it wasn't ON my car.

I get to work and find out that someone from one of our other divisions has been fudging their figures to make themselves look good and make us look bad. The next spending/savings review is coming up and my boss is preparing to chew a hole through them. Oh to be a fly on the wall for THAT meeting...

Now that I have gotten the hand of this blogger nonsense, I am finding it much easier than the html nonsense. Lazy, yes, but efficient, also yes. 

Carry on.

Once upon a time there were no birds. But Sky was lonely and needed song, so the birds came and cheered it up. Now, not all the birds were happy. Some sang sad songs, so the sky would cry a while. And sometimes the birds would go away for a long time.

Then the sky would be sad and lonely, and would cry frozen tears until the birds came back. The frozen tears were called Snow and Ice. Sky's tears would blanket Earth and make her beautiful, in hopes that the birds would come back. Some did, but not all. Sky was sad and bleak.

Soon enough, the birds would return. Sky would shine and melt away the blankets that kept Earth asleep. Then, Sky would cry tears of joy at the return of the birds. The earth would swallow up Sky's tears when it was all done; but sometimes Earth couldn't contain so much sorrow, so the tears would wash everything away. This was called flood.

Sometimes Sky became so preoccupied with the singing that it would forget it was sad. It would bring the shining heat on everything and make it pretty for the birds, to entice them to stay. The sad birds would say not a word. The happy birds were too warm to sing. Earth would radiate its fury at the sky. This was called drought.

Sky would not give in. It would fill up with the tears and not release them. It did not want to be sad. It wanted to feel only joy. The pent-up
tears and the shining heat would make everything hazy. This was called humidity.

Everyone would pray that some day, Sky would cry again. The plants would scream in abject horror as the sun burnt their flesh. They had no tears from Sky to save them.

The Dancers would come and sing to Sky because the birds were too weak. Sky would boom back at the dancers, wanting the birds. The boom was called thunder.

The Dancers would sing louder, and move in a frenzied pace. Sky would boom back louder, crackling with anger and lighting up with its fury. The crackling would bring lightning.

The Dancers would not let up. They would make fire and circle around and around, their voices reaching up and out.

The Dancers would pray.
The birds would pray.
Earth and the plants would pray.

Sky would finally snap in frustration. The noise was deafening.

And finally, the tears came.

This was called rain.

And the rain was good.

Don't project
Don't connect
Protect
Don't expect
Suggest
U2, Numb

So today I caved and finally decided to start using the account I set up at blogger. Much as I love putting my own weblogs together from scratch, this is nice too, because I can update this from wherever, instead of waiting until I'm home and at my comp with all my ftp info and stuff.

Anyway, this past weekend was a long weekend in Canada. We all get Monday off. Well most of us. I got to go to work and answer the phone and explain to everyone else on the planet that "you see, in Canada, where I happen to be, it is a holiday, so no one else is here. Why am I here? Good question. I have things to do. Call so-and-so tomorrow. Yes. Ok. Bye." Why is it that we are expected to keep on the up-and-up with events and holidays in other countries, but it isn't reciprocated? I just don't get that. Oh well.