wow.

a lot is going through my head right now. mostly that i suck at direction.

saturday was a typical day except...

i spent a good deal of time talking with my dad about nothing and everything. and it was like talking to an old friend. he kept saying "this is so cool, we *never* talk about these kinds of things, this is so neat." and i agree. i told him about how i met so and how we got together. we also talked about my best friend in high school j and how everyone thought i would get together with him and etc. we talked about him and my mom and it was kind of eerie listening because it was like he was talking about an entirely different person. mom is very good at hiding things i guess.

anyhow, then saturday night my sisinlaw's boyfriend(ish) called and said he wanted to come over he had something for me. so he and she did and he gave me a book (a book is the BEST present on the face of the earth to me) and wow i was so touched, it was my favorite author. they stayed and we talked a while and then i finally kicked them out because i was tired and had to go to work in the morning.

so the morning comes and i go to work, a little sulky because i had asked for the morning off but had to go in for some contractor stuff. anyway i finished at 11 and made for the hills, i was going to go see hb!. except my car had a hiccup. so i ended up borrowing my mom's little crap car that blows the way the wind does.

i got lost.

twice.

but it was a fun adventure. i end up at hb's house and the first thing she gave me was a hug which was muchly needed, i am a bit of a tense driver. (history of being in the car during accidents [not the driver y'all] will do that to you). hm was there too so it was like meeting two noders for the price of one.

here is the part where i shock you all. i am terribly shy. so hb if i seemed a little quiet to you, that is why. hb's house is very comfy and it was nice to just veg a bit before doing anything much. there was no snow (yes virginia, there was no snow in canada this weekend) so we couldn't go crazy carpeting but i don't think i'd have the energy for it anyway.

so we hung out and yapped a bit and then hb cooked me yummy very good food. hm kept teasing her because she wasn't making the right "cooking noises". then her sister teased him about his (lack of) hair.

then we ate and her brother came home in the middle of it and decided to "serenade" us with his accoustic guitar. very pleasant fellow but it was a bit surreal because he reminded me A LOT of my own brother.

we saw LAMBS they were sooooooooo cute. her sister gave her crap for rubbing the one little boy lamb's head, something about not encouraging him to be aggressive or somesuch. bah, he was cuuuuute. :) we also saw horses, that was very neat. i've never been on a horse but not much opportunity to ride one there, these were race horses (EEK!).

a lot more happened than i am telling but i am still processing it all.

we came in and talked on irc a bit, this too was a little crazy. took some webcam type photographs (PROOF OF MY EXISTENCE). then hb's parents came home (WITH DONUTS!) and i talked with her family a bit. but then i had to head home because i had to work.

i didn't get lost but i did end up taking the long way (i ended up in georgetown to drop something off to my cousin) but as a result i managed to be late (oops) and I DON'T CARE SO NYAH NYAH.

i hope hb liked her crown (hehe) and the little eyeball hand puppets.

thank you for having me over lady ma'am it was very good to see you and the perfect amount of people for my first noder encounter.

i managed to stab myself in the foot witha pencil today.
 
it hurt.
 
my day has generally been blah, or it was until i checked my mail
 
i got a CD from fw, the darling
 
he rocks like a giant electric robot cowboy ninja on the rockingest day of its life
 
my head aches tho so i can't really listen to it :/
 
oh well

It seems I have gotten back into an insomnia loop.
 
The nice long stretch of getting actual sleep worth mentioning has once again gone on vacation. Oh how I weep.
 
I feel sickly today. I hope I'm not getting the flu or something.
 
I think I souldsaghlasjfsaf. But don't quote me on that.
 
Peanut butter and banana toast.
 
I am writing a story but am having a block. I hate that.
 
I wonder how B's trip to Japan went?
 
I'm sad today.

weekend was blah.

all kinds of stuff going on in my head lately. i went over to k's yesterday, and again our talk led to the spiritual vs. the mundane. just a lot of very heavy deep subject matter going on. which was nice, but also, "whoah".

a while ago she lent me "the secret of shambhala" which by the way is an excellent book whether you take it as truth or no. in any case she asked for my opinion on it and for once i couldn't really piece together one. i sort of just hemmed and hahhed about it. it was hard to define my feelings on the book because they were rather myriad and complex. i will leave it at that.

i get to work extra hrs today and tomorrow. hoo-fuckin-ray. i hate my job. have i ever mentioned this before?

i get to go visit j this weekend! i am so excited.

ok i trudge of to workie now

Dr. Baker phoned me in the morning

Left a note, he's still yawning

Dr. Baker phoned me in the morning

Left a note, she couldn't make it

How did she ever take a lesson outside his head?

Dr. Baker phoned me in the morning
He couldn't understand, he was a busy man
Tried to reach him again, plead with him
Please come please come please come
Please come please come
 

p  l  e  a  s  e  c  o  m  e 
 
See me lost inside

You will see me lost how high

See me lost inside

You will see me lost how high

See me lost inside

You will see me lost how high

See me lost inside

You will see me lost how high

 

Hovering and hovering and hovering on

Hovering and hovering and hovering on

I'm a hovering and hovering and hovering on

Hovering and hovering and hovering on

 

Dr. Baker phoned me again later that day

Said he cried and he really sounded out of it

His wife was dead and his dog was dead

And misery planned inside his head

I tried to reason with him, tried singing

He said 'no boy you'll never listen'

Try it again

Try it again

Try it again

  gaingaingaingain
 

See me lost inside

You will see me lost how high
 

See me lost inside

You will see me lost how high

See me lost inside

You will see me lost how high

See me lost inside

You will see me lost how high
 

Hovering and hovering and hovering on

I'm a hovering and hovering and hovering on

I'm a hovering and hovering and hovering on

I'm a hovering and hovering and hovering on

I'm a hovering and hovering and hovering on

I'm a hovering on

I'm a hovering on

well, my weekend plans have been shot due to circumstances beyond my control.
 
so booo!
 
this makes me sad.
 
BUT!
 
i got a mix cd in the mail from p!
 
so yay!
 
this makes me happy.

I HEART PULP

Don't bother saying you're sorry
Why don't you come in?
Smoke all my cigarettes, again
Every time I get no further
How long has it been?
Come on in now
Wipe your feet on my dreams
You take up my time,
like some cheap magazine
When I could have been learning something
Well, you know what I mean
I've done this before and I will do it again
C'mon and kill me baby,
whilst you smile like a friend
 And I'll come running
 Just to do it again
I can't believe it
That this is still going on
Just how stupid can one person be?
Just how stupid and wrong
You are the last drink I never should have drunk
You are the body hidden in the trunk
You are the habit I can't seem to kick
You are my secrets on the front page every week
You are the car I never should have bought
You are the train I never should have caught
You are the cut that makes me hide my face
You are the party that makes me feel my age
Like a car crash I can see but I just can't avoid
Like a plane I've been told I never should board
Like a film that's so bad but I've just got to stay 'til the end
Let me tell you now - it's lucky for you that we're friends...
 
((lyrics to like a friend))

Not a bad weekend, still working crap hours but at least they didn't split up Sunday.

They gave everyone a stress assessment package at work. My results were that (duh!) I'm incredibly stressed out and have an 80% chance of getting really, really sick. I feel like waving it in front of my boss's face but that would be uncouth so I shall just wave it in front of my doctor's face instead. I have been considering *gasp* going to counselling.

The problem with this is, I find it hard to respect or even tolerate 70% of the counsellors/therapists out there. It invariably turns into this game of "You tell me your problems, I'll tell you mine, and *you* get to pay *me* while I get free therapy".
 
Maybe it's my approach. I do a lot of give and take in conversations but I ask too many questions. However, it is the doctor's choice to answer them or stay in focus, obviously they choose to answer.

But I cannot keep going at the rate I am going without seeking some sort of help. It is the curse of the carpenter to never fix his own home. He does it all day, he doesn't *want* to work at home. Well it is the curse of the empath to never solve their own problems. They are too busy saving the world.

Bah. Too much philosophy for a Monday morning.

I can't shake off this feeling like my life is slowly unravelling before me and not in the pleasant way either. Debt depression doubt defection it's all in there

I'm soooo tired I haven't slept a wink

(I will send a hello kitty valentine to the first identifier of that song)

I am also finding it hard to write sincere journal entries. You know I keep reading these beautiful truths about people and thinking, "wow, you just totally opened yourself up like that, thank you" and wishing I could do the same. The funny thing about truth and sincerity is that it can be very exhausting. Typing/speaking whatever you have to put effort into getting out all the minutae of your life because one mis-step and it all crumbles and you are left with nothing but rambling and misunderstanding from the reader/listener.

So hmm where to start?

Too many avenues not enough travel time.

For those of you reading this that don't know, I am a mom. I have two children. I adore these children, they have become essentially my entire life. And I am beginning to see the danger in this, oh yes it is dangerous because in giving 100% of yourself to them you lose you.

So I have been looking at my options here. I could go on the way I am, living with my heart on my sleeve and working crazy hours on weekends and spending the rest of the week with my kids while my hubby works. He is on the afternoon shift. Which means we get little to no time together (another not so nice aspect of things). I keep working and living like I do not eating properly because I'm too busy cooking for the kids and feeding them and cleaning up afterward and by the time that's all done I am setting up crafts and projects and things. Worrying about bills bills bills. (But then again who doesn't?)

Or, I could find something, no matter how small, that is only mine. Even if only a few hours out of the week, it belongs only to me.

Pfft. Right. Good luck. Even if I did manage to do this, I would spend half that time feeling guilty about it and the other half thinking about the things I have to do when I am done doing whatever it is I am doing.

I love my family and I love being a mom but I am beginning to feel that in being a mom a wife a daughter a granddaughter I am forgetting to be just G. And that is tragedy indeed.

I am extremely proud of our olympic teams this year, WOO HOORAY FOR US
 
Fifty years to the day and we take back the gold!
 
And the women's hockey team rocked our socks!
 
Of course I had to work through this auspicious event but I heard it on the radio and beamed.
 
Saw T's baby this weekend, he's such a cute little guy, and constantly hungry hehehe goooood luck T ;p

SO came home early from work last night, brought home dinner (woo no cooking for me!) and then watched the kids for me while I went out for a bit with my friend Ma. Had a few drinks yapped a bit and came home. Talked with SO for a while and then promptly passed out and hoped the evil terrible horrible awful pain would go away while I slept. Nope. I feel worse today than I did yesterday. But on the plus side, my grandmother is doing well enough to be sent home with a nurse.
 
My daughter looks like she is coming down with something and is complaining about her throat again. Just her luck she inherited my throat problems (I used to have tonsilitis as a kid almost all the time, they never pulled em out tho).

my father broke a few ribs the other day. he is on pain medication and practically on his back.
 
my grandmother is in the hospital again. seizures and minor stroke.
 
i am in my own physical pain for reasons i'd rather not share.
 
this week just keeps getting worse and worse.

*** g changes topic to '(df) When I went to the temple, it took me seven long, hard, arduous, dusty... minutes... to learn those techniques. (dj) *Seven* minutes? You're a more dedicated man than I, df.'
(p) WHEN I GROW UP I WANNA BE COOL LIKE G!
(d) 'cause she's cool like dat. She's hip like dat 'cause she's... something... like dat.
(cbn) g inspired me to quit smoking!
(cbn) and then I did!
(df) Damn. I hate blanking out on lyrics. My Buddhist master would be most displeased.
(g) hehe
(dj) There are very few honours greater than having something you said be part of the topic for this channel.
(g) cbn i am proud of you
(g) and p quit mocking me
(p) nah, I'm not mocking ya g, just admiring your keen eye for the topic
 
---------------
hehehehe

i saw moulin rouge. it was... interesting. and...
 
 
 
...
 
 
 
man oh man did i cackle when the unconscious argentinian went into a crazy rendition of the police's "roxanne"!