My friend T had her baby last night! Little A was born at aroun 8 pm, 6 lbs. 5 oz.

From what I hear he is a cute little guy too. :)

I'm so very happy and relieved for her, she has been worried through most of this pregnancy, mainly because of what happened with her first one.

I worked the shift from hell this weekend but I managed to survive it and we really need all the extra money we can get these days...

I just LOVE getting up at TWO FSCKING A.M. to go to a job I hate and do all the crap things that no one else wants to do in that god forsaken place. and I get to be there till 3 pm. Then I work tomorrow 7am - 3pm, and then go back in 7-11pm. Woo me.
 
I have a song stuck in my head. Let's see if we can get it stuck in yours too.
 
i think i'll go home and mull this over
before i cram it down my throat
at long last it's crashed, the colossal mass
has broken up into bits in my moat.
lift the mattress off the floor
walk the cramps off
go meander in the cold
hail to your dark skin
hiding the fact you're dead again
underneath the powerlines seeking shade
far above our heads are the icy heights that contain all reason
 
it's a luscious mix of words and tricks
that let us bet when you know we should fold
on rocks i dreamt of where we'd stepped
and of the whole mess of roads we're now on.
hold your glass up, hold it in
never betray the way you've always known it is.
one day i'll be wondering how
i got so old just wondering how
i never got cold wearing nothing in the snow.
 
this is way beyond my remote concern
of being condescending
 
all these squawking birds won't quit.
building nothing, laying bricks.
 
hold your glass up, hold it in
never betray the way you've always known it is.
one day i'll be wondering how
i got so old just wondering how
i never got cold wearing nothing in the snow
 
all these squawking birds won't quit.
building nothing, laying bricks.
 
-The Shins, Caring is Creepy

stumbling over my feet, the ground, my words. i hate days like these. but then there were good parts too. bah i don't know.

Fucked up dream:
 
it was the end of the world and people kept telling me that if i was standing i'd die and a comet came but it wasn't a comet but it brought with it this hail that was like hot charcoal and it pelted people to death or maimed them but anyone not standing was unaffected and then i was in this factory it was full of giant dumpster-like bins and inside it were body parts one bin full of eyes, another with heads all floating in ether

it was bizarre and all these people were kneeling on ladders sifting through if anyone stood or moved from the ladder they fell down dead just like that and then i ran through this factory i ran until i was out of breath and something knocked me in the back i wasn't sure what i fell down and then kept going, crawling away

then i was in this house, an old victorian deal and there were rooms and had little beds in it with stuffed animals on them and i saw one that was mine when i was young and someone behind me said "don't pick it up, you will regret it" i told then not to be silly so then i picked it up and underneath was a dead child just lying there like it were sleeping and i started to cry

and then i was lying in this bed in another house and people kept coming in and out of the room and one woman came in screaming at me because she thought i had killed her husband and that's all i can remember

what do you think?

in spite of the fact that i have bone-crushing money troubles piled on my back, the sun is shining and everything's fine. mhmm. my life has been a mish-mash of goodness/badness/idon'tknowness.
 
ayup. but i kind of like it that way, it means i don't have much time to dwell on one thing before the next thing happens. i'm way too analytical anyway. it's nice to just let it all happen.

I love waking up in the middle of the night and finding him there, breathing quietly next to me. I love the fact that after all this time, he is still there. After all the bullshit after all the hell and after all the everything, I am still here. I love the fact that even though there are days when I would happily rip him to shreds, never once, NOT ONCE have I ever stopped loving him.

Five long hard years and we are still together. I have known this man since I was fifteen. It took us five years before we both woke up and realized that the person we needed wanted loved and were waiting for all our lives, was right under our nose the whole time. We were friends long before we were lovers.

The funniest part is there was always the pull, always the allure. Never spoken until years later. Neither of us ever knew or realized.

I feel incredibly lucky to have this. My god so lucky. Even on the days when I feel like throwing dishes at him because I am frustrated and we fight, even then I feel it. Because it's *our* dishes in *our* home and *our* argument. Fighting is normal. I wouldn't have that part of it any other way. Reminds us that even though we are a couple, we are both individuals and will not always see things eye to eye.

There are still days after all this time that I will look at him and my heart skips a beat. I can look into his eyes and no matter what else is going on, I see love there. This incredible man is mine.
I love the fact that after all this time, there are still times when we surprise each other by doing something out of the blue. I love the fact that sometimes, words are unnecessary and we will know what the other needs and is thinking about.

I love the fact that after bearing two of his children, I never feel ugly in his eyes. Even on the days I hate myself, I can look to him and see that I should not worry about these things. Even on the days when the house is a mess and the kids are a mess and *I* am a mess, he will kiss me the way he did when we were first lovers. And then he will do what he can to help sort it all out again.

I love the fact that I can trust him. I mean really and truly trust him. Do you have any idea how rare this is? To love without jealousy? Oh, in the beginning I was wickedly jealous. He has this way about him that draws people in. But with time I learned that he isn't that sort of person. He has never intentionally hurt my feelings. He has never made me feel that I was not worth his time. He has never done the million things that every other man I was ever involved with managed to do to hurt me in whatever way they could.

We accept each other's faults with each other's glories. There are no pedestals here. Just the solid ground beneath us and the sky around us. And these are enough. Because we see the miracle in each other that people spend their whole lives looking for.
I could probably go on forever about this.

It was these thoughts that ran through my head in the middle of the night. It was these thoughts that caused me to pounce upon him.

Because what's a relationship without a little rough-and-tumble sex now and then?

Blah weekend, worked 3 am to 3 pm on sat and then didn't go to bed till 10 pm because i was visiting my pregnant friend T. she is due any time now. woo! then i worked 6:30 am to 3 pm sunday. then i came home and cleaned the kitchen, i mean REALLY cleaned it. i can see my face in my oven. phew.

Tomorrow, I go to the school board to pick up the pre-kindergarten registration package. Whoah. My daughter will be in JK this September! How exciting! She is bouncing with anticipation. It is all she will talk about. I hope she still feels that way when I am hauling her ass out of bed in the morning to go there. hehe

i'm tired. and sad. and so many other things in between all that.

the trip is looking like a no go, finances just won't allow for it. ah well c'est la vie.

my mother in law had to put her dog down because of various things but in any case it gave me the responsibility of trying to explain death to my three year old daughter. tricky subject, death is. very tricky.

she didn't quite understand but she did at the same time and she was hurt and upset which made me hurt and upset.

the curse and blessing of motherhood is that each child tugs at your heart and every whisper and scream will cause your heart to react in ways you've never dreamed.

i am tired. we are out of cookies. i want cake.

this is unacceptable. 
  

i am finally feeling a bit better after a horrid bout of the flu. my stomach is still pretty weak though (S: read: no lunch tomorrow) and i am still kind of tired but otherwise all is well.
 
i am hoping to go to boston in the spring, right now it depends more on funds and convincing my hubby i won't go up in flames if i take a plane than anything else. let's cross our fingers because i am in need of a holiday.

Ugh ugh. I don't wanna. I am up at 4 am to go to work by 5.
 
SHOOT ME PLEASE.
 
I still feel sickie sickie. Pity me.
 
I am going to sleep like the dead when I come home today.

i was sick as i could ever be yesterday. funny, i felt fine at S's on sunday night, we were there yapping it away till about 12:30pm, then i went home, and proceeded to get royally sick.
 
i was so weak yesterday SO pretty much had to carry me down the stairs and there i stayed on the couch the rest of the day. SO stayed home from work to take care of me and the kids. what a sweetheart.

high fidelity was on tv so i watched that and you know, it really is a good movie all around. funny and philosophical but not too pretentious and in your face. woo.
 
i still feel a bit cruddy but at least i can stand without help. so, i go to workie now.

It is early in the morning. I am killing time before going to work and killing some more time. I like it in the early hours because I am the only person awake and the house is still and silent. Listening to me.

Have you ever noticed that things are clearer and louder at night? Perhaps it's just me.

Life is getting more complicated by the minute. So I enjoy being able to identify and appreciate the simpler things.

I went to see the neurologist today and she is weaning me off the apo amitriptylene (for my headaches) and putting me on something else because this stuff just messes me up royally and I am constantly tired and wayyyy too moody. So yay!

My daughter drew me a picture today of a little girl dancing and she atually put some time into it making the face hands hair dress everything. Which was a proud moment because prior to this it was pretty much scribbles and snails. She is only 3. I adore her.

My son has also discovered the magical world of crayons and has found fit to express himself using the medium of black crayon on my living room wall. We still have yet to paint over one of Celeste's previous creations in the front room.

I am itching to repaint the whole house. The people who lived here before had their own ideas about color combinations which leaves much to be desired. A home doesn't feel like home to me until I have done something to alter it, no matter how small.

I have resolved to go against my pack-rat nature and get rid of the things I don't need. This should take me quite some time; but I need to.