Let the lamp affix its beam.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.

I'm back at square one, with nobody knowing what is wrong with me, and therefore unable to help. I've been put on amitriptyline to help me get some rest at night; unfortunately, it is making me groggy during the day as well. I'm being referred to an ENT specialist, a back specialist, and possibly another neurologist because the first one was - I don't even have words for what he was.

The possibility of my going back to work on modified hours is now looming over me, and I am actually happy about it for the most part. Mentally I need this. I need not only to have something new and outside of myself to focus on, but I need to feel useful. I need to contribute. I'm not the type that likes to sit at home and feel sorry for myself. I am frustrated, yes. I am exasperated, yes. I have been doing my utmost to refrain from complaints because, frankly, complaints aren't worth anybody's time. And they don't get you very far. There are people out there in much greater need of help than I am - I am not so self-centered as to believe the world must spin around me and my worries. Whether I am physically ready for this is another story altogether, but I am nothing if not tough.

In the meantime, the bellows of my lungs continue to pump air through my body, although sometimes they falter. The little muscles and valves in my heart click and pull and do the job they are meant to do, pumping life through me, again only pausing for a break now and again. I keep convincing myself that one day I will wake up, fully functioning, and looking at this as some horrific dream. And every morning, I trick myself into it, until little by little it all comes crashing down. All the king's horses...

MRI results: No tumors, no bleeding. There was an incidental note of retention cyst/polyp in both maxillary sinuses (not something to get all up in arms about though).

Inconclusive otherwise.

I see my neurologist on Monday. My family doctor is frustrated as he has no answers for me.

Me: "What do I do about the excrutiating pain in my head and left side?"

Doctor: "I don't know?" (looking very flummoxed)

Me: "Excellent. That makes two of us."

So I'm to take the amitriptylene at night for now to help me sleep, and just wait it out till I see the neurologist. Just a few more days, right? I shouldn't die before that, right?

I am looking at the silver lining here: No tumors. No internal cranial bleeding. The headaches and severe pain I am having have no basis in something life-threatening, apparently.

Talked to a friend who has MS, she said to wait it out. Her first three MRI's came out clear before she got a diagnosis. She also said at least if there were no lesions/plaques apparent, then if I did have MS, that remyelinization was occuring and that was a *good* sign because it meant I was getting it early. (Earlier diagnoses make for better prognosis - aggressive therapy can stop a lot of the progression in its tracks.) In the end I am not caring much what it is as long as it's treatable and there is an answer for me to bring me back to normal life (whatever that is).

Had an x-ray of my back done this afternoon. That was uneventful, as x-rays go. Won't know results of that until next week.

Um. So yeah. How was your day?

É ingratidao falar mal do vinho
E a provar o que digo
Vamos, meu amigo, a mais um copinho
- Mariza, "Ouça Lá, Ó Senhor Vinho"

Dear whoever this concerns:

I haven't written much lately. I feel like I have poured too much sad and not enough happy, and things are feeling flat. I don't mean for most of my tales to be sad. Truly, I don't. It's just that I'm always told, "Write what you know". It is as simple and as difficult as that. Most of what I write is true, and most of what I write is real, and most of what I write is probably a bad idea.

I still have many stories to share and I don't know where to begin. It is like all these moments are surfacing for me and I want to express them but I already feel so damn exposed here. At the same time I wonder why not? Over time I have peeled myself down, layer by layer. It is all out there if you want it. This is something that has been both painful and cathartic. The knife ever so gracefully poised over my cadaver, waiting to sink into flesh and reveal all the viscera underneath. But I am no longer looking to see who is wielding the scalpel, instead I am itemizing these things, labeling them neatly, presenting my case and stepping back to allow for the words to speak for themselves.

What you don't see is what is happening between the lines. I am really good at playing the bumbling fool. However, the curious (but wholly expected) side effect of playing the fool is that I am never taken very seriously. This is my protective shell - do not allow myself to be seriously considered and then I won't get hurt. When I am cornered into telling it like it is, no fancy analogies or anything, I shuffle my feet abashed and wishing that the focus was on anything but me. People would not believe that I am terribly shy; that I rarely tell the people I love how I really feel about them; that I rarely smile; that I cry and cry until I am dry and then I won't cry for months; that these days I think that I am almost always afraid. I have spent literally decades of my life fooling people into thinking I am unapproachable, like some freaking special unicorn faerie or something. That if you touch me you will find that I disappear into the mists. I am fun but I will hold you at arms length.

I am really tired of pretending that I am ok. I pretend and I pretend and everyone else goes along with it. That is so much better for me than to see their worried glances and sometimes even see their questioning eyes. And I want to be honest here, life has been one long struggle and this past month or so has been more than I can bear at times. So now I am trying to just sort of live day by day, watch the seconds on the clock march in cadence and bring me closer to an answer.

I keep opening and closing my hands. I keep blinking my eyes. I keep feeling my pulse under the surface of my skin and I am grateful for every little beat that pumps through my heart.

You want to shake your head some? Download Type O Negative's cover of "Summer Breeze". (YouTube has a user-created vid here, if you are curious. The vid is just a montage of Peter Steele and the rest of tha band ad nauseum, but the music is the part I'm talking about anyway.)

So um. I went to doctor again today, because couldn't sleep at all last night. Or for the past forever. Pain like you wouldn't believe. He checked my legs for blood clots (just to be safe) of course found nothing. "Take some advil & tylenol if you are finding it to be too much at night, go easy on the narcotic stuff". Right, because I'm huge on pills.

As I am wide awake, I figured it would be a good project to hook up the Wii to our wireless network. Well what do you know, I am a genius and managed to do it, even remembered the WEP code to allow it access. Now I am waiting a zillion years for it to update as the Wii has been out for quite some time now and we have never updated it.

So.

Recently watched "You Kill Me" again, which is a rather dark "romantic comedy" (I use the term very loosely here - this is not your typical romcom) featuring Sir Ben Kingsley & Téa Leoni. I love them both and it was interesting to see how they interacted with each other. S mentioned that Kingsley's voice sounded really odd in this film - I pointed out that he is playing an alcoholic - and doing it rather well at that. The slur is intentional. If you have a macabre bone or two in your body, you will find parts pretty damn funny. I bought the film used for 4 bucks at the video store a few months ago. For less money than a rental, I can now watch it at my leisure.

Let's see... there are still things I need to update on but my mind is in a ramble bramble sort of mood so I can't really articulate it all at present.

I'm going to try napping, we'll see if my legs & arms cooperate & let me sleep - even if only for a little while.

I've been a fan of Wil Wheaton for a while, and not just because of his stellar performance in Stand By Me (which is what most people pair him with, if not Star Trek: The Next Generation). In all honesty, I've been a fan of his journalling, and more recently his books. So I yoinked this from his blog:

Classics in Lego

Actually, all of Balakov's photostream is pretty kickass, worth the viewing.

Haven't slept much in the past few days, due to general uncomfortableness (is that a word?) and the raging storms at night. Two nights in a row with severe thunderstorm/tornado warning type material. Whooboy. Welcome to summer!

I watched Bee Movie the other day with my kidlets. They had already seen it at the theatre with their grandparents but I hadn't, so I was more than happy to rent it for them. Afterward came a frank discussion on the importance of bees. The kids were receptive and K and C were pretty upset about the whole Colony Collapse Disorder thing. It's hard to explain this sort of thing to children, so I kept it as simple as possible, and left the conversation pretty open for follow-up questions (which inevitably come at night time when they are supposed to be sleeping).

S kept me up last night because he was all pumped about watching the season 5 finale of CSI. He said it was the best finale he's ever seen, which prompted a long discussion of how much of that was Tarantino's influence, and how much of it was the regular script writers. Then of course I couldn't sleep and I watched Pride & Prejudice because for whatever reason, to me it's the world's greatest sedative, and then of course S couldn't sleep. So we were grumpy at each other, and the end result was my coming downstairs and camping out on the couch watching re-runs of Holmes on Homes (thank you On Demand channel) until I passed out.

Busy week this week. Meeting with the school principal on Thursday to discuss K's educational plan for next year, something that was postponed due to my illness. I'm still not top drawer here but I can hold a conversation for a few minutes at least. Then after that I go see my family doc for my weekly review. Friday is K's school trip, which I had initially signed up for, and I am kind of wishy-washy about whether I will go or not. Friday is also my friend Hammer's birthday - hurrah!

Time to go and get whatever housework done that I can before I get a case of the fatigueishness (I know that isn't a word).

Ciao.

Update: My work has approved paid leave until July 7, in light of current circumstances. This simutaneously pleases and worries me. I don't like not working. It's an illness unto itself - I'm the type that will go mad when I retire if I don't have several time-consuming hobbies in place by then.

Update update: I also find it a hilarious form of serendipity that Mr. Wheaton's post today is about (drumroll) Stand By Me.

Being stuck in the house for the majority of my time has caused me to develop an Etsy problem. I've made a few purchases (which I am very excited about!) and have been surfing. I came across THIS father's day card, and I curse that I don't have the Y chromosome to pull it off. Because ha and HA. I actually giggled reading it.

I couldn't sleep well last night, no matter what I tried to do. Intermittent pain and nausea made life super extra fun. S didn't come home until 4 am because he had to work overtime, he was exhausted and more or less plunked down onto the bed and immediately began to snore. Which didn't help the not being able to sleep thing. Eventually I managed to doze off by itemizing the things in my house, one by one, until the banality of the task finally set my brain synapses on shutdown mode. Hey, you do what you can, right?

If anyone knows of any sightings on ebay or elsewhere where I can get my hands on a boatload of knitting supplies on the cheap, please let me know. I left most of my favorite things at the hotel back in March when I went with my daughter & mother, and the hotel staff has cheerfully not only refused to mail it back to me (even at my own expense) but it appears as though they have just tossed it out altogether. The manager was appropriately apologetic and offered me a discount on my next stay, because I was appropriately pissed off and gave him a polite but angry earful. I am REALLY good at complaint politics, and while I am heartbroken (I was almost finished my octopus!) I can't say no to discounted hotel stay (and it's a significant amount).

Back in April I got S the first 4 seasons of CSI (among a boatload of other things, because it was his 30th this year) for his birthday. We have slowly been plowing through them, skipping the ones we'd seen or sometimes re-watching them. We finished up and then he couldn't stand the idea of having to wait for the next giftable event to receive the next, so he went out and bought Season 5. So I've been watching them when he's sleeping, and vice versa. I've seen a LOT of season 5 on the telly but I don't mind re-watching, plus I have this illness where I actually *like* listening to commentaries on DVD.

So now I'm going to go fall asleep to that, or try to at least.

Can somebody wake me up when the Democrats get their acts together? Until then I'm on strike from the news because enough is enough.

So S's friend JG told him earlier this week that our presence was needed at a pig roast today, it was imperative we come, blar blar blar. Tonight we made plans to go to my friend's house and taste wine (they just came back from a Niagara wine tour) but we said sure, we'll come to the roast as it was going to start at 11 am.

Last night I got almost no sleep, and as a result, I almost sent S off without me.

I am so very, very glad I didn't do that.

JG & ME got married today, in front of a minister in their own home, with a small gathering of family and close friends.

They didn't even tell their parents. NOBODY knew what was going on for this. We all showed up in our civvies and ta-da! There they were, and ME looked lovely in her gown and JG in his suit also looked swell. The ceremony was short and wonderful, and yes, they still had roast pig for us to eat. JG had asked her to marry him back in November, and together they planned this surprise ceremony. This is the second marriage for them both, and I think they wanted it low-key, but knew if they announced an engagement it would snowball into something bigger. ME's 4 boys were the doormen, taking coats, arranging us, etc. It was very cute. All in black pants and black turtlenecks. ME's baby girl was dressed up in the smartest little gold & black polka-dotted dress. S was JG's witness, and ME's sister was hers. S was a little in shock, and kind of wished he would have known ahead of time. He felt terribly under-dressed, but then again, so did we all!

All in all, it was perfect, and suited them fine. And what a surprise! I was so glad I changed my mind and went. The kids were a bit confused at first, but in the end they were also glad we dragged them along. Of course, L and I will still be setting up a bridal shower for ME - she can't get away with that part, muahaha. It will be low-key as well, but we want to celebrate this.

So now I'm hoping this wine tasting isn't another surprise wedding - don't know if I could take another in the same day!

So below is a photo of GIR in all his glory. I had to frog the arms once (forgot to change from blue to gray on shoulder part) and the tongue twice (the pink yarn I used is thicker gauge than the worsted used to make his body) but all in all, I think I did pretty swell!

Tonight was a meeting for K's first communion. It was the typical blar blar blar. I nearly fell asleep during the video, no joke. Then I talked Hammer into taking a spin with me through the drive-through of Tim Horton's because it beat her freezing her knickers off while talking with me in the parking lot. Apparently there is drama going on in the other Gr 4 class that doesn't involve either of our daughters, which suits me fine and is a nice change from the norm. However it also makes me pretty sad - ugh. Already, it starts.

My Dad is leaving for Brazil this weekend. He'll be gone for a while so in the meantime I have to keep an eye on my mom and her healing up etc. No word on what is going on yet, but I remain positive.

I have had serious bouts of insomnia, probably brought on from the stress of dealing with family member dying and my mother having issues.

Tomorrow I go for breakfast with Sir T, an event I am looking forward to because frankly I miss chit-chatting with him. Ok. Enough posting, I need to take a hot bath and uncoil all the tension. Breathe deeply. Wax on, wax off, Daniel-san. That sort of thing.

Ciao.

Oh hell, I have a ton to say but I'm too tired to say it all, so here's some point form:

- K's class put on a Mother's Day tea for us, complete with squaredancing. It was awesome and funny and awesome.
- C's birthday went well with few issues.
- C turned NINE (NINE!!!) yesterday.
- I worked crazy hours this week, in between massive bouts of insomnia. I don' t know what might be subconsciously troubling me to the point that I am losing sleep - could just be biology. Who knows.
- Been corresponding with people I haven't spoken to in a while, which is good and fun but also weird. You know?
- I'm already running out of steam for this.
- THANK GOD IT'S A LONG WEEKEND THIS WEEKEND!