Happy annivesary darling.

I really love the Gary Jules cover of Mad World.

As much as Smallville irritates the hell out of me (The Outer Limits meets Melrose Place. Niiiice. Plus I probably wouldn't be so irked by it if I weren't forcefed every episode back to back a la clockwork orange) I do have to say they have the best music. It's like the producers are channeling Quentin Tarantino - they know what songs are going to give the right feel to a scene.

I'm just mentioning Smallville because that's where I first heard the cover.

I'm just babbling now. I've had a very long week. Today I do my PAR interview with my boss. Guh. I'm just not in the mood for this.

This Saturday is my six yr anniversary. Well, six years married, anyhow. We are going out for dinner and all that jazz, which is fine but I just. I just feel like huddling under blankets and watching a sad movie and letting him play with my hair until I fall asleep. Nothing more. It's true, what I was told once, that sometimes being with me is like courting sadness. That mantle on my shoulders can get pretty heavy.

I'm not being all drama-queen woe-is-me here. There are things in my life and about my life that are large contributors to my sadness. For the most part I just shrug it off, and most people that know me in general can attest that I'm normally a happy go lucky jokester. In all honesty I'm pretty selective about who I allow to witness me when I'm feeling like this - I'm good about putting the happy on in public especially. That stems from years and years and years of playing "everything's perfect" in my household. I don't know if it's the European upbringing or something - more than likely though. You know, that whole "Oh my what will the neighbors think" thing.

At some point I will write about my phone conversation with the prosecutor, the extra-long appointment at the gynecologist, and spending 2.5 hrs on the phone with a friend who kept asking me for my honest opinion and then kept pestering me because I was giving her my honest opinion instead of the answer she wanted to hear. But right now I am just going to listen to sad music and try and get it out of my system before heading for work.

No reason for the title, just had the tune in my head.

So. The courthouse called today but unfortunately I didn't get the guy's message until he had already left for the day. So my morning agenda has calling him back on the top of the list. I will let you know how it goes.

Wednesday I have off - time to be spent going to see gynecologists and etc.

Talked w/sir T on the phone, which is always interesting banter at the very least. Discussed current situation w/SIL. Considered possibility of gathering forces and getting a group to play board games or whatever, however scheduling is becoming a quick nightmare. Welcome to the Christmas season (yes already).

Which reminds me, I need to call a few places about reservations for the employee Christmas party. Yes I got suckered into planning it. Hush.

Today was a day from hell at work, I had a terrible migraine and every second call involved something complex that required some investigation and callbacks. Bleh.

Bags under my eyes are only slightly smaller - I really need to do something about that not sleeping thing.

Dead tired
Originally uploaded by sadsilliness.

My sistern in law came over yesterday just a mess. A friend of hers decided to attempt suicide, shortly after she told him they could only ever "just be friends". She feels terrible of course and blames herself - understandably, as her ex boyfriend killed himself a couple of years ago. She feels at fault and is scared of relationships now.

I jokingly told her that her only option now was to become a monk. She was grateful that I was home as I provide good distractions - I know exactly how she is and know that what she didn't need was someone going "oh honey boo hoo that's right cry it out". I mean I let her cry a little and hugged and hugged her like the Dickens, but then I straightened her up and poured her some wine. We made brownies and then she stayed for supper. We talked about whatnots and nothings and I made her laugh and bit back my anger at that selfish boy who made an attempt on his life in so selfish a gesture it makes me absolutely sick to think about it.

This guy has a daughter who is barely three. He apparently has been in love with my sisterinlaw since he met her years ago in high school. She and he lost track of each other, then started hanging out recently. On my sisterinlaw's part there were no feelings, she made no advances, there was no physical aspect to the relationship that would allow for these emotions of his to give way. Apparently he was being treated for depression and some other thing. She and he had an argument wherein she told him explicity and firmly that she did not feel about him in any sort of romantic/sexual way and she never could. She thought they were friends and she was sorry if he ever thought there could be anything else, but she thought she had made herself pretty clear. After she left apparently he took all his medication at once. He is now at the hospital, incoherent and in restraints. Something inside of him snapped and I told my sisterinlaw - she cannot control these things. She has no control over what he does to himself, no more than he could control her feelings. The fact that he KNEW exactly what she has gone through, KNEW how much she went through to get over blaming herself about her ex-boyfriend's suicide, makes it all the worse and makes what he did absolutely pathetic and terrible.

My sisterinlaw's culpability in this is nonexistant, but that is not how she feels at this point in time. In any case, we then went to the pharmacy and got hair dye and dyed her hair. We didn't have enough dye though so we had to go back a second time. The first adventure to the pharmacy resulted in my bumping into someone I hadn't seen in years, and this person I saw has this way about them that causes my heart to stop and I never know what to do. I don't know where to put my hands and where to look or how to be. I can't explain why this happens to me whenever I encounter this person - it just does, and it always leaves me reeling as though I'd been struck by cold water.

I did my best to shake it off though, as I had a mission in keeping my sisterinlaw company. She could tell something was off though. It didn't matter, I managed to cheer her up a bit and she went home in much better spirits than when she first arrived.

I have not slept much in the past while and you can tell. Photo evidence above indicates that the baggage on my eyes could not get any lower if it tried. Any remedies for insomnia are appreciated, but keep in mind I refuse to take sleeping pills and gave up on counting sheep long ago.

Ran into someone I didn't expect to and felt so many confusing and conflicting emotions my heart stopped.

I don't really want to elaborate; just wanted to put that into the ether. How can this happen still? It just...

Cappucino and Maltesers... breakfast of champions!
Originally uploaded by sadsillyness.

Cappucino and Maltesers... breakfast of champions!

Bwahaha. I dropped the kids off at school, picked up funds to be deposited into the council account, and came home and had evil breakfast. Photo evidence shown above.

I remember when I was a kid I couldn't wait until I was grown up so I could have ice cream for breakfast if I wanted, etc. Then I actually became a grownup and felt the need for things like eggs and toast and whatnot. But every once in a while I indulge that little girl in me clamoring for bad non-breakfasty things.

The snow is still lightly on the ground. We'll see if it lasts the weekend.

Oooooo it's Friday the thirteenth! I would be worried if I were into that superstitious mumbo-jumbo. It's also the day after Alistair Crowley's birthday. It's also the day that Lemony Snicket finally ends the Beaudelaire children's saga. I'm most excited about that last bit of information.

I ordered books one through ten from C's scholastic order, and eagerly anticipate their arrival. Only 30 bucks for all ten books! Talk about steal. I don't care if they're paperback. I just saved a kajillion dollars without even trying. Now I only have to buy 11 to 13 (and probably also the Beatrice Letters). The nice thing is C is just about getting to the age where she would absolutely love these books.

I am so glad my kids are bookworms. In the age of electronics, it's tough competition against television and video games. Don't get me wrong - my kids love those things too. Everything in moderation, right? But they will plunk down and read/be read to for hours and hours without getting bored.

The auditors are gone from work hurrah! From the email from my boss it looks like they were impressed. Now we are on to employee review time - interviews etc. I'm a little nervous as this is my first formal review since starting there. I'm sure I'll be fine but there's this stone at the pit of my stomach just agonizing over it.

Ok time to go to the mall and see about some books. This weekend I'm supposed to go to a book club gathering to drink sake, eat sushi and sashami and discuss Memoirs of a Geisha. I absolutely loved the book. The beginning was a little slow - I found the preface would be a turn-off if that was how you were to judge the book. But man oh man. Interesting? You bet your bootiepie.

Ok time to go. Seriously.

Let it Snow!, originally uploaded by sadsillyness.

So we had flurries today after all. I'm very glad I sent the kids with hats and mitts and boots.

Took C to the mall tonight to re-pierce one of her ears. When she got them done initially, one side got pierced crooked and as a result her body rejected it and pushed it out entirely. She's all better now thanks to her bravado and a little emla cream. She's all better now and it was pretty exhausting.

I put in the other earring so that she wasn't lopsided earrings wise. They look nifty and she is very happy with the result. It's given her something to talk about at school that is for sure.

Time to go pretend I'm a bear and hibernate a while on the couch, with some cappucino and a book or movie. I will probably end up watching Aeon Flux for the fifteenth time this week. I cannot help that I am a sap.

Here's hoping the snow goes "poof" and Halloween is warm.

The forecast over the next day or so includes FLURRIES. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. Over.

So for the first time since, well to be honest since ever, I took the kids out boot shopping early, in preparation for the impending doom aka Canadian winter. We managed to find boots for K right away at Payless. However, we are now running into a problem with C. She is size 4 generally but to make the boots last we'd have to go 1/2 size to 1 size up. That brings her into ladies sizes. That is fine whatever but most women's boots at payless are for fashion not function, and come with a kickass heel on them. So we tromped through Sears to see if they had any - suuuure they did. For 99 bucks a pair. I'm not about to spend that much on a pair of boots I know that my daughter is going to outgrow in a year. Call me miserly all you like - it just doesn't make sense, fiscally speaking. So we went to my last resort - Zellers. There she hemmed and hawed and tried on fifty bajillion pairs until she finally found a decent, affordable pair of black lace-up boots that will keep her feet warm up to temperatures of 20 below celsius. Hurrah, says I. I still ended up shellng out about 90 bucks total for both of their boots - yowsa. But I know they'll have warm feet and the boots will fit them through the cold season.

So naturally they wanted to wear them this morning. Not only that, they wanted hats and mitts, too. Who was I to argue against that point - it's 4 degrees out there, and the wind is getting mighty chilly. At first I figured "oh boy my kids'll be the only ones decked out at school" but nope, lots of kids were dressed more warmly, except of course for the age 11 and up crowd. They're too cool to be cold.

That's it for today. I mostly just wanted to rant about how friggin expensive women's boots are. I mean it wouldn't be so bad if I could wait until mid-season to catch a sale, but I can't do that in this situation.

So we rescued a pidgeon last night.

On the way to take C to brownies, there it was on the ground, all puffed up and scared but unable to fly away. K & C were pretty upset about it. I promised C that when we were finished dropping her off, K & I would take the pidgeon to the SPCA. We ran into Hammer & her daughter Z on their way to brownies as well, so Hammer K and I ended up performing operation: bird rescue.

I grabbed a bunch of paper towel from the church bathroom when I dropped C off and we picked up mister pidgeon who was docile as docile can be. Hammer bravely held onto the pidgeon as we drove to the SPCA. I would not find out until after the deed was done that she is indeed terrified of birds. She managed to end the adventure unscathed, and all was well. Then we went to the bank to make deposits and while I was waiting for her, Sir T pulled up so I spoke with him for a minute or two before we took off again.

K proclaimed an interest in going to Dollar Giant, and offered to lead the way for Hammer. (I really have to find a better name for Hammer, which I dubbed her as due to the title of her blog.) I ended up buying an air freshener due to the fact that my car now smelled like injured pidgeon, not something too terribly enticing I can assure you.

Then I came home and gabbed with ME for an hour or so, and then called it a night, good deed done and feeling sleepy.

Almost time to take C to brownies tonight. For supper I made chicken balls and home-made sweet n sour sauce. It is hella easy and damn, son. So tasty. When I was pregnant with C I used to have weird food cravings and aversions. One of my favorites that I ate for most of the second trimester involved putting pickles, mayonnaise, and this home made sweet n sour sauce on toast. No joke, I ate that like the dickens. That and bologna sandwiches, which may not seem weird, but considering I absolutely hate most processed meats, it's weird for me.

Wow, that was a strange digression. What was I on about again? Oh, right. Supper. So yeah. chicken balls and pineapple rice and etc. JG came to pick SO up for work and had supper with us. He and ME are looking to move in together come the New Year. This is a big step but hardly surprising - they are pretty happy with each other and it's the next logical move.

Ugh, audit. Still going on this week but the auditor guy isn't so bad. By the time it's done he'll be sick of us though. We chirp the same greeting into the phone ten thousand times. Seriously.

As for the titles lately: I have been using snippets of tunes that are stuck in my head. A rather gauche version of that livejournal thing where you can post what you are currently listening to. Today's title is from a Pulp song, "Like a Friend". I love Pulp. I had this song stuck in my head all day. I don't typically post lyrics but with this one I cannot help myself. Here's the end bit:

You are that last drink I never should have drunk
You are the body hidden in the trunk
You are the habit I can't seem to kick
You are my secrets on the front page every week.
You are the car I never should have bought
You are the train I never should have caught
You are the cut that makes me hide my face
You are the party that makes me feel my age.

Like a car crash I can see but I just can't avoid
Like a plane I've been told I never should board
like a film that's so bad but
I got to stay 'til the end
Let me tell you now
it's lucky for you that we're friends.

Was up late last night watching Batman Begins w/SO and then Basic on my own. I really enjoyed that movie - for once I actually agree with a film-maker's change in the script in that initially, in the movie Basic it turns out Travolta's character was actually the bad guy. The ending that was re-scripted gives it a better twist.

I lent the movie to my parents and my father actually stayed awake to watch it - a great compliment to Hollywood, who usually inspires snores from him, and mom giving him the synopsis when he wakes up five minutes before the movie should end.

I wish the weather would make up its mind. I also hope it's nice for Halloween. My FIL is taking the kids out trick or treating this year apparently - they had already conspired with him on that take. So I guess I get a break this year. Why am I so pouty about it? Probably because I love this holiday as much as they do, if not more.

Woke up to the cat chirping in my ear. Here's why - the cordless phone was emitting beeps and blips to let us know it was low on the battery. This woke kitty up, who in turn woke me. Seven am and it was dark as night out. When did that happen? Nobody invited old man Winter - tell him to come back later, it's early and we're not prepared!

Time to head for work. Auditors are coming back this week.... *grumblefuck*

Thanksgiving was full of lots of turkey and potatoes and desserts and... well... poker.

Not at the inlaw's today though. At my parents' house last night. I cleaned my family out. My brother had no idea I was a card shark which made winning against him all the more fun.

SO had actually spotted me the 5 bucks to play. The interesting thing is, they don't usually let girls play poker so I was one of those genius ideas dad had to "mix things up, keep it interesting". So there I am, playing on borrowed money, and it ended up just being my brother and me playing it out for about an hour. I finally crushed him like a bug. He had no idea what to do, he was flabberghasted. So of course we went for round two, this time I spotted SO with some from my winnings. I cleaned up the second round as well, and turns out I went home 40 bucks richer. Woohoo!

Because you know. Nothing says Thanksgiving like gambling.

I love gmail because it lets me talk to my friend V who is all the way in the UK. For free. Thank you, internet. Thank you, gmail.

I'm too tired to discuss anything else - due to sleeping issues (no, not again, rather consider it "still"). Also I have the supermario music in my head - the boss monster music, mixed in with the music you get when you go down the tubes.

ba-da ba-da ba-da! ba-da ba-da ba-da!

Still no idea what to be for Halloween so I'll probably cop out and go as a pirate or something easy like that.

Ran into P at EB today who reiterated the need for a bunch of us to get together to play Risk. My October is filling up fast so we shall see.

What should I be for Hallowe'en? A bunch of us were going to go to a dance as the cast of Gilligan's Island, until I discovered the date of said dance was the very same day as our anniversary. While it would be cool and all to canoodle as the Professor and Marianne or whatever, I'd much prefer quiet time with my boy.

However it does not mean I cannot dress up while taking the kidlets on their Spookyween adventures. So. Any ideas? Usually I am full of them but at present I'm drawing a blank, and now is the time I usually begin to prepare for it.

The autumn blues are fast approaching and with each step my heart gets a little heavier, my words a little slower, my thoughts a little lower.

It isn't that I'm one of those people counting down, anticipating, and thus causing it to come. It just... sneaks up on me and creeps into me so slowly that I can scarcely believe it when it hits. I do my best to fight it off, but there you are.

The trouble with this is, in previous jobs I could more or less decrease my exposure to people and let it pass. Where I am working now, there is no break from it. I am more or less entrenched in socialization, in talking talking talking all day. In a way I guess it's good, but in a way it sort of irritates me. I need space. I can't breathe.

I am smart enough to realize it will pass, as all things do; and the winter will put my heart to sleep and my mind will spin like a snowflake and land in the cold and thoughts will freeze up and I will dry up and wait for spring. And spring will come as it always has and the sun will warm me and my mind will wake up and I will feel alive again.

In the meantime, it's me and my sappy prose. Amigos till the end.