Today I am thankful for the news I received that I can't share until things are official. Cryptic I know, but one never knows who is reading.

I do have some news that I *can* share though. My sister-in-law is pregnant again. She let us know on Christmas Day by giving us each a photo with her, her husband, her son, and a photo of an ultrasound in front of her belly. I responded by... breaking into tears? Yup. Still emotional over losing my Vovo and other such things, I was sobbing at the news. Happy sobs though, I promise.

So much has happened. My heart is nearly bursting from it all.

I lost my dear dear grandmother (my father's mom) on December 10 this year. I'm broken. She was our mom away from mom, if that makes sense. She helped raise us grandkids while our parents worked. She loved us all dearly and it broke my heart to say good-bye.

Other things have happened over time. Some harder than others.

It's a new year. Let's see what I can be thankful for today. Hmm.

Today I am thankful for sleeping in, resting for the first time in a long time. I have a roof over my head and two fantastic kids. A husband whom I love dearly and who loves me back, no matter what.

I'm thankful I didn't delete this journal in a huff. There are so many thoughts here that I can't possibly remember it all and it's good to have something I can look back on now and again.

If for whatever messed up reason you haven't seen it yet, GO WATCH THE AVENGERS.

My heart is in a million tiny pieces. I took Missy to the vet this morning - she had gotten worse overnight. Her breathing was very labored, her tongue sticking out and she was drooling like mad. He wanted to start her on a puffer, I said I am not going to torture my cat twice a day by sticking that thing on her face, especially if you can't guarantee it will help - she wasn't even getting a little better on the regular medicine, in fact she got worse. If it really were 'cat asthma' she'd have shown just a bit of improvement, not worse symptoms. I couldn't let her live like that so I made the decision, even though it just crushed me to do it.

Now I'm trying to sort out what I'm going to tell my kids. I don't think they're going to like me very much for not letting them say goodbye.

Adding to the pot of sorrows is finding out my mom has about 70% chance she has breast cancer, and my friend died of ovarian cancer yesterday. Still haven't heard from my neurologist either.

I feel like shit and my head hurts from crying and I really really hate my life right now. I think if one more bad thing happens I'm going to scream.

Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: You are all stardust. You couldn’t be here if stars hadn’t exploded, because the elements - the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution and for life - weren’t created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of stars, and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to explode. So, forget Jesus. The stars died so that you could be here today.

- Lawrence M. Krauss, Theoretical Physicist.

While Hey, I still believe in old man Jesus, I think he points out something very poignant and beautiful - we are all stardust. Regardless of the Son of God or any of that (believing in physics does not mean that I cannot believe in an intelligent creator), the point is, we are all stardust, and that makes me feel kind of wonderful and significant. More than any bible verse has, in a very long time. I guess I'm going to hell now. Oh well.

Daniel Aguiar

1938-2011

AGUIAR, Daniel Medeiros … passed away peacefully at the Cambridge Memorial Hospital on Monday, July 18th 2011 at the age of 72. Husband of Donna. Loving father of Adrian (Michelle), Manny (Cassie), Steve (Isabelle) and Chris (Samantha). Cherished grandfather of Alexandra, Dylan, Madison, Dustin, Kyle, Julia, Kaitlyn, Hailey, Seth and Tyson. Family will receive friends at Corbett Funeral Home, 95 Dundas Street, Cambridge, on Tuesday, July 19th from 7-9 p.m. Rosary prayers at 8 p.m. A Mass of Christian Burial will take place on Wednesday, July 20th at Our Lady of Fatima Roman Catholic Church at 10 a.m. Cremation to follow.

So much has happened since my last post. I guess I'll just do the perfunctory "Hey it is hot as heck out there and I am tired and that's that."

Real post to come soon.

What is new?

I'll never forget you. Ever. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Finally getting my vision back, sort of. Things are still blurry but nowhere near as blurry as before.

MRI is tomorrow at "oh my god it's too damn early" o'clock. I'm equal parts nervous and calm. I don't really know what I want from this. Answers, to be sure, but you know what they say about getting what you wish for.

My daughter has been writing a story which tickles me to pieces. She's almost 12 and parts of her writing make it glaringly obvious that she's an adolescent girl, but oh my is she clever. The story is interesting and her dialogue cracks me up. She definitely picked up my dry wit.

I've been listening to CCR; no idea why. Maybe because I miss my Dad. He once wore out this tape he had of their greatest hits, when we would go on long drives to visit family. So Dad, this is for you. Can't wait till you & mom are home.

So proud to be Canadian for this year's Winter Olympics. The most gold ever? Take that United States of 'We think we are the best at everything'!

I have been fighting off this cold for a while, which sucks but is better than the flu I had last week - naaaaasty. Blood and viscera. Not fun at all.

So they found scars on my liver and right kidney. No idea what caused them though. I yet continue to confound science. Sadly I've begun to be okay with that.

I've been feeling like a hermit these past few months - I don't really do anything or go anywhere. It isn't my fault - I rarely have the *energy* to verb all over the place.

My brother's twins celebrated their first birthday with great fun and mischievous smiles. Who doesn't love smashing cake into their mouths? I can't believe a year has gone by already - it went so very fast. I love being an aunt so much. I am doubly blessed to call myself their godmother as well. It's so fun to have babies around that you can hand back to the parents when you are tired, heheheh.

I'm getting a tattoo this weekend, if my cold doesn't get worse. I am getting it with my sisinlaw, we are getting the same one, the celtic symbol for sisters. It is her gift to me for helping her out with her upcoming nuptials.

My parents are returning to Canada in June - they have both had more than enough of Mexico and are very homesick. They said it was a wonderful opportunity but enough is enough, they even are looking forward to having Canadian winters again - bizarre. It is going to be so nice to have them home again. I can't wait.

Ok that's all for now I guess. I need to get back into the habit of writing in this thing, even if it's only for myself.

Cheers.

I love Ok Go. That is all.

It's been forever and a day since updating this thing. I had to shovel at least a foot of dust off.

I'm still in medical limbo, most recent round of tests "inconclusive" which is medical speak for "There's something there, but damned if we know what to do about it".

The weather out there is terrible. I hate winter. People say "oh, but you'd miss the snow if you didn't have it" or "but Christmas is just not the same without snow" and to that I say BULLSHIT. That's right. I'm calling the bullshit card.

My daughter got her ears pierced again, we did it the weekend my Mom was home. Which was incidentally the same weekend of the baptism for my twin nieces. They were adorable and very well-behaved. I'm their Madrin AND Padrin, by funny default. What happened is that my brother and his wife chose me and her sister to be the godparents of both, with no godfather. However, during the lighting of the candles, the Deacon asked all the godfathers to step up to take the candles. So M's sister and I looked at each other, shrugged, and I went for it, being the Catholic one of us. So I've been teased about being their godfather, which puts me into Marlin Brando autopilot. Those poor girls have a crazy aunt/godmother/godfather.

I really, really, really, really, REALLY want a Kindle. As a self-professed bibliophile, the appeal of this to me is huge - imagine carrying around hundreds of books at once! Ummm, yes please!

They have a version for the PC, so I do have it installed in my laptop, but it isn't the same. Not by a long shot. I prefer using my laptop for writing and/or watching movies. I can't hold it the way I could hold a kindle, so reading on it is more cumbersome than a kindle would be. I did shop around, the Sony reader thing does not appeal at all (I've heard some really bad feedback from friends who have it or have used it, plus it doesn't carry half the books or features kindle does). The Nook is not available in Canada yet (boo! Get on that, Barnes & Noble!) so I'm afraid a Kindle is the only one appealing to me. Too bad it costs more than I can afford at the moment. Sigh.

I realize this post is all over the place. I'm just too tired to care or try and gather thoughts in a concise manner. I've had a really craptastic week, if not longer, and I just can't be bothered. I don't even know why I am bothering to update, since I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who reads this thing anymore. Ah well, whatever.

The girls will be 1 year old on February 27th. That year went pretty damn fast.

Where are all the damn hovercars, meals in a pill, and teleporters?

Sad news about Betelgeuse:

http://www.rasc.ca/news/printer_The_Sky_This_Month_Jan_2010.shtml

Remember when we had a galaxy? Man, those were good times.

I've been a slacker. I know it. So much has happened in the past while. It's too much to absorb. It's not enough information. It is what it is.

I've had this song in my head. The video below is some dude doing a cover of the song. I'm finding I like his cover of the tune better than the original. He starts off a bit shaky but you learn to overlook it. Things happen that way sometimes. The original is a tune by The Editors, called No Sound But The Wind. It is slow and long and wintery. I don't know. Listening to it reminds me of winter and warm blankets and wine and love. Especially that last one. If I neglect this before, Happy Christmas to you, whoever still reads this. You are loved.

We can never go home
We no longer have one
I'll help you carry the load
I'll carry you in my arms
The kiss of the snow
The crescent moon above us
Our blood is cold
And we're alone
But I'm alone with you

Help me to carry the fire
We will keep it alight together
Help me to carry the fire
It will light our way forever

If I say shut your eyes
If I say look away
Bury your face in my shoulder
Think of a birthday
The things you put in your head
They will stay here forever
Our blood is cold
And we're alone, love
But I'm alone with you

Help me to carry the fire
We will keep it alight together
Help me to carry the fire
It will light our way forever

Help me to carry the fire
We will keep it alight together
Now help me to carry the fire
It will light up our way forever

If I say shut your eyes
If I say shut your eyes
Bury me in suprise
Where I say shut your eyes

Help me to carry the fire
We will keep it alight together
Help me carry the fire
It will light our way forever